Her Name was Bella

Because today is infant loss day, and I have been thinking of her. Her name was Bella. I smile and say her name, and my heart remembers the time I had with her.  There were so many hopes and dreams.  Because she was a part of me that I am grateful for, that I am still sometimes sad for. Because I remember those moments that I felt her move, and everything bad in the world just melted away.  I was unable to fully comprehend all that was going on, all that she meant. I am sure that I LOVED her with my whole heart. We were going to save the world together and make everything OK.

Because its important, She is important and all the times that I have talked about her and people ignored like it didn't matter or people that said things like it happened for the best or my story was different and looked over, and not seen as a loss at all, or the people that said well "that" just doesn't happen.  Well "that" is different, I was raped BUT, No its not different I lost her I lost my Bella, and there is an ache sometimes..that I can not explain. There are tears sometimes that I can't hold back.  Some days there are thoughts of her that I just want to share and I can't because others don't want to hear stories like "that".  And it makes me sad She was my baby just like so many other babies that are lost.  She was mine.  She was mine for those months and she mattered.

Today she would be 27.  My Bella would be 27, and I stop and that takes my breath away. I imagine all the things that we would have done together, I imagine what she would be doing, I imagine all those things that a mother dreams for her child.  Mine was a loss, and there are so many that look over her and today I won't let that happen.  I never got to really share her or her life.  To many were unable to hear and I had to suffer in silence.  It wasn't fair.  Others get to talk about their loss but not me.  My loss was different and the pain didn't deserve to be felt, or for there to be an understanding.  Today I am saying that it does, it did. It mattered back then and it matters today.  She was mine. Her name was Bella.

I have shared her with a few people in my life. And they were very kind and very understanding and that meant the world.

There was Calvin , he was my awesome friend; he watched out for me like a big brother would and I was more than GRATEFUL for him.  He cared for my heart and wanted to make sure that I was OK. He was the one who always knew when I wasn't doing fine. I can still remember the first time that I felt her move those little flutters and the amazement in that.  Then as she got stronger and did her kicks, oh that feeling, I felt her ALL THE TIME!! I loved it. I can remember doing homework with Calvin and taking his hand and putting it on my belly, and oh my heart. That was one of the only times I got to share the joy of her with anyone.  If there was only a picture, of that moment, if I could just draw it, it was something more than amazing. I was going to keep her safe and sound. Everything in the world was so dark and so dangerous but she was the light, she was my only reason to keep going. 

I am more than aware than I DID live in a fairy tale world, how was I ever going to raise a daughter in my situation and the time was coming when hiding the pregnancy was no longer an option, Calvin was always wanting me to tell,  that soon there would be no keeping it a secret.  At the same time I look back and think how in the world did no one ever know?  Truth is I am almost sure that some did, but were unable or unwilling to help, so so very sad. 

I didn't feel good all day, something just wasn't right, even then I knew that.  No one knew, there was no one to ask.  I knew something was wrong but I didn't have a clue what to do.   It got worse and worse until I had to call Calvin.  There are so many pieces that I just don't remember,  I lost everything.  I remember bits and pieces of the emergency room,  I remember the Dr. putting his hand on my leg and his exact words were:

 I am sorry you have lost her. 

 I remember begging and pleading telling him no, begging, asking please.  The Dr was the only kindness in that room.  And I shut down.  Nothing else mattered I closed off the world. I was breathing but not living .  My heart was broken,  She was gone. There was nothing I just had to move on.  A part of me died inside, there would be no getting it back. 

She was not spoken of for years.  I learned she was something to hide.

The next time that i even spoke about her was when I went to Germany.  I have no clue how the conversation started or how it came about.  Oliver and I were sitting in this little bar in Germany, The Krown.  It was a gorgeous night, the windows were open candles were on, it was amazing, and we sat there candles flickering, breeze blowing and I got the chance to talk about her.  There were oh so many words, and only kindness.  Oliver sat beside me telling me he was sorry, that things should have been different.  He was kind and supportive, I was such a kid, and was so alone and suffered such loss.  I was grateful to be able to speak about her and my experience and my sadness.   Truly Grateful, there was a heaviness lifted, in getting the chance to speak about her and that was the first time I said her name out loud.  So grateful I got that chance.  So glad that Oliver listened.    

But then i had to come back to the states and live the same dark life that I had left.  Things were more than rough, I was not doing well, no one really seemed to care.  I lived life in a fish bowl looking out , life was dangerous.  There were a few times Bella was mentioned,  not much was said, not enough to mend my heart just not enough.....

Then i was in my thirties, middle thirties and I was talking in counseling and it just came out in a round about way....But he stopped me and asked did I know that ?  You were pregnant ?  I was more than afraid I didn't mean to talk about her, but I did, and I was cared for, stories were shared and my heart became even that much lighter.  For the first time ever I felt like I didn't have to keep her a secret, that she didn't make me something awful that she wasn't awful for what happened to me.  I finally got to share her and what she meant to me.  She was always in this dark place and finally because of that time in my thirties,  she was in the light and I even began having dreams of a woman I love holding her and loving her, and finally seeing her as perfect pure and innocent as she was always meant to be.  I finally saw Bella in the light, and such peace came with that.    

But its been some time,  and the truth is I can't share my stories of loss like other women, because it is different.  Circumstances and situation are different but I still have every reason to grieve and be sad and think of her.  She was my Bella, my everything my reason for living.  The story scares people and I am more than sorry but her little life, that amazing life that I had those months with were amazing and I am grateful for that time.  

So on this day, Infant Loss day, I am standing up for Bella; she mattered , she was mine and I loved her.  The loss is just as real as others moms that have lost.  My sadness is just like yours. 

I am sure She would be an amazing woman , and I look forward to seeing her in heaven

For my Bella this is for you.I hope that you are proud.

I heart your heart. 

Plumb  : I want you Here     

You have to Promise

 I know that at this point in my life promises are kind of important. I more than  need people to promise, and mean it! I have a feeling this is going to be a bit of a selfish post, I am sorry I just want others to be kind and to notice and they don't. No matter what is going on with me I always notice, Always. And I just don't understand.  I know its a fact that people leave, that people change that situations and intentions change. That others have their own things going on. I know all of those things, I KNOW I KNOW I KNOW.  As much as I always notice I am often the one forgotten.  And when I am noticed when i am cared for when someone stands up for me and fights for me that means more than I can ever explain in words.  If you are there and you are wiling to stay you must promise that you will be careful of me heart.  As much as I don't want to admit that I need other people, that I would like to think I can do everything on my own I can not.  And since I can not if you are going to be around I need you to promise me a few things.  I need you to promise that you will not hurt me, that you will care for my heart, my  thoughts and my feelings. That you will think about me sometimes and not just when you need something. I am not fragile and will not break but that is a constant fear.  I worry all the time that there is going to be that one thing and I am going to crumble.  Seriously if i haven't crumbled yet I doubt that I will, I am 99% sure that i won't but that 1% fear is often overwhelming.  Because the person that I am; I just always do what i have to do and I get through.  I smile pretend that I fine.  I take every blow off , but honestly it hurts.  I am not so OK right now,  so many reasons and no reason at all. I am in the in-between.  Friends that were only yours because of someone else, friends that said they were friends, but only when it was convenient. I am done with that.  And slowly things are changing I am weeding those out and adding my own but oh its more than rough. I do not make promises to my children unless I know I can keep them.  And there are times I want people to promise me and see me and be true and real.  I NEED that,  and I don't think I am asking too much, I just need constant.  When there is none besides my children but I need someone for me.  To notice and to ask and to care. Last week a dear friend did that, it made me cry, that she noticed that I wasn't doing so great, I can not explain what that meant.  I know I don't often openly share how I am, I know that I often leave hints, because I feel awful coming out and saying no I am not fine I feel like shit and my heat hurts.  I need someone to ask how I am, and just give me a hug There are so very many examples and I just can't I don't want to hurt any ones feelings but there are so many and I am left, ignored or both.  And all I want to do is crawl back in my hole, in my safe bubble where I am safe and sound, the problem with that bubble is that its lonely, and I don't want to be alone any more.  I am so done with being ignored. There has been a saying floating around face book about people making time for you, that if its important they make time.  And that is what I need more of.  Because in this season I am not so great, I am alone and I need to be seen and I need to be noticed.  I am stepping out of my box more and more doing things I never thought that I would.  Building relationships at work,  at Mercy, in my city group I am working so very hard right now,  and the last thing I need is more crushed feelings.

I am coming to be a little more open, and share and say all the things that are in my head, but its hard its very hard.  I am not sure what is OK to share and what is not, I am trying and just being a part is a good thing.  I just wish that I had things in common, I wish that I could jump in and feel like it mattered like what I had to say was important and that people were listening.  I struggle to believe the things that they believe with their whole heart.  There was one part tonight talking about God protecting us from evil, well he didn't he just didn't and I have a broken heart.   Oh this place that I am in,  there has got to be a reason for it all, somewhere somehow.  I need these people and I need them to understand and I need them to hear me and to listen and to support me.  I NEED this and I need some promises to be kept.

I heart your heart. 

Tori Amos:  Promise 

As simple as it seems

As simple as it seems it is not.  Nothing is ever simple, nothing is for me. Sleep, friends, family, life, nothing is simple its pretty messy. ALWAYS. There are too many pieces that are all over the place.  Many pieces are coming together ;and there are many pieces still trying to find their place. Sometimes I feel those pieces all at once, and I can't explain it but I am coming to understand this PTSD of mine has a lot to do with it. I am terrified of dwelling on my past of holding on and not letting go and sure there is some of that , that I do, but a lot of it is my brain.  My brain was wired from as far back as I can remember for trauma, to survive, it to keep moving, kept breathing.  There are so many things in my head that there is no way for me to understand , that there is no way for me to even put words too, . Which makes them so complicated for others because even I don't understand them.  Its so complicated, so very complicated.  Last night was rough, there were nightmares all night!! And the kind that you don't recover from quickly.  About people being too close, about the loss of Bella about being alone, about not knowing what to do.  About being so alone in your worst moments that your greatest wish is to just stop breathing. There is nothing you can do but survive. The nightmares were like that last night.  People in my space and they didn't even care.  How can people not care!!  People watching on like nothing is happening as piece by piece I was falling apart. I feel that in my bones so much.  I hate blood and there was lots of blood in my dreams and there was nothing I could do.  Every decision in my life is complicated and comes with so much thought and past experience.  I have learned that there are so many things that I can control that I can change, and the things I want to change the most are etched in my brain,  and at a single smell, or song, or touch they become so very real.  SO for me a tree , a simple beautiful  tree is not simple,  a gentle touch is not simple,  a sound that I loved is not simple and that is my life. Nothing is as simple as it seems. Even nightmares.

When the nightmares like last night are so vivid and so real its hard to get out of them in the morning. So I take a shower, thinking I can wash it all away, nope and the scratches come. Because I am awake my eyes are open open but the pictures linger and the feelings have a grip that rivals the strongest of the strong.  On mornings like this I wonder why I fight.  Why do I always fight, what is it that has kept me going ?  It seems that they are going to win; the pictures and the memories.  Its a beautiful day, absolutely beautiful and my mind goes back to that place on the beautiful day when I was hurt ; hurt right there under those beautiful amazing trees. But I can tell you that I was more than grateful for that tree, it allowed my mind to go somewhere else. Its in those simple things , that the sadness is overwhelming.I just want a tree to be a tree. A hug to be a hug a kindness just a kindness.

The kind of nightmares like last night are unimaginable because it takes pieces puts them in a blender and spits them out at me a million miles an hour. Its so confusing and you know all these pieces by heart  but your mind, my mind oh my mind, puts them together in ways trying to make sense of the un-explainable and its awful just awful.   I mean even if i could explain them, if i could just find the words but I don't and I am not sure that I can.

It seems lately I keep fighting, but I am not sure that I am winning.  People say they see progress.  They say that these things that are happening are good, but my heart is not so good.  My heart is scared and worried .  The sad is HUGE and its growing.  Maybe this is another stage of acceptance, maybe its my mind saying what are doing!!  This life is dangerous, VERY VERY  dangerous. With each step I think this is going to be the thing that is that A HA moment and everything is going to fall neatly into place.  The outside pieces are coming together, my insides, yes those pieces are cracking and seem to be loosing their footing.   

Maybe it is coming to a different piece a different level of understanding.  I just don't know but even if that is what it is, it doesn't make it any easier.  I am trying to hard to do those right things to do whats best, to find my place and I feel like I go  two steps forward and three steps back.  My heart is so very tired. I do it all I always do, there is going to come a breaking point. I don't know what that point is.  I feel fragile, I need people to be patient and gentle. I have been worried about it for so long, that there is going to finally be a piece that is just going to completely break me.  I laugh and do really well trying to cove up the sad but its more than difficult.  Even with Matthew I laugh and joke but the seriousness of the things that I am feeling, oh my goodness they are more than heavy to bear. I am just too sad to even tell you, even the words coming out are more than painful.  I do not want to do this on my own and at the same time that's the only way I know how. 

I am trying to do the right thing get help, even get medicine and it seems I am hitting yet another brick wall.  Am I supposed to be doing this?  Is this the right thing ?  I am willing to try anything at this point, because I don't want to break and I fear that its coming. Because I am always OK and everyone assumes that I am always OK, what happens when that day comes comes and I am as far from OK as a person can get while still breathing......that is a huge fear......that someday the weight of all the things that have happened are just going to crush me and there will be nothing left.  Insurance is a huge barrier right now, and I was so excited, that things were going to be OK, that I was going to be able to take care of things,  YES, eventually after I pay that 5000 deductible, in what world does that even make sense, it does not.  I am more than frustrated, I just want help, I just want to get better and I am not sure what the next steps are that I need to face.  I am trying more than hard, and its more than frustrating.

I heart your heart.