Because today is infant loss day, and I have been thinking of her. Her name was Bella. I smile and say her name, and my heart remembers the time I had with her. There were so many hopes and dreams. Because she was a part of me that I am grateful for, that I am still sometimes sad for. Because I remember those moments that I felt her move, and everything bad in the world just melted away. I was unable to fully comprehend all that was going on, all that she meant. I am sure that I LOVED her with my whole heart. We were going to save the world together and make everything OK.
Because its important, She is important and all the times that I have talked about her and people ignored like it didn't matter or people that said things like it happened for the best or my story was different and looked over, and not seen as a loss at all, or the people that said well "that" just doesn't happen. Well "that" is different, I was raped BUT, No its not different I lost her I lost my Bella, and there is an ache sometimes..that I can not explain. There are tears sometimes that I can't hold back. Some days there are thoughts of her that I just want to share and I can't because others don't want to hear stories like "that". And it makes me sad She was my baby just like so many other babies that are lost. She was mine. She was mine for those months and she mattered.
Today she would be 27. My Bella would be 27, and I stop and that takes my breath away. I imagine all the things that we would have done together, I imagine what she would be doing, I imagine all those things that a mother dreams for her child. Mine was a loss, and there are so many that look over her and today I won't let that happen. I never got to really share her or her life. To many were unable to hear and I had to suffer in silence. It wasn't fair. Others get to talk about their loss but not me. My loss was different and the pain didn't deserve to be felt, or for there to be an understanding. Today I am saying that it does, it did. It mattered back then and it matters today. She was mine. Her name was Bella.
I have shared her with a few people in my life. And they were very kind and very understanding and that meant the world.
There was Calvin , he was my awesome friend; he watched out for me like a big brother would and I was more than GRATEFUL for him. He cared for my heart and wanted to make sure that I was OK. He was the one who always knew when I wasn't doing fine. I can still remember the first time that I felt her move those little flutters and the amazement in that. Then as she got stronger and did her kicks, oh that feeling, I felt her ALL THE TIME!! I loved it. I can remember doing homework with Calvin and taking his hand and putting it on my belly, and oh my heart. That was one of the only times I got to share the joy of her with anyone. If there was only a picture, of that moment, if I could just draw it, it was something more than amazing. I was going to keep her safe and sound. Everything in the world was so dark and so dangerous but she was the light, she was my only reason to keep going.
I am more than aware than I DID live in a fairy tale world, how was I ever going to raise a daughter in my situation and the time was coming when hiding the pregnancy was no longer an option, Calvin was always wanting me to tell, that soon there would be no keeping it a secret. At the same time I look back and think how in the world did no one ever know? Truth is I am almost sure that some did, but were unable or unwilling to help, so so very sad.
I didn't feel good all day, something just wasn't right, even then I knew that. No one knew, there was no one to ask. I knew something was wrong but I didn't have a clue what to do. It got worse and worse until I had to call Calvin. There are so many pieces that I just don't remember, I lost everything. I remember bits and pieces of the emergency room, I remember the Dr. putting his hand on my leg and his exact words were:
I am sorry you have lost her.
I remember begging and pleading telling him no, begging, asking please. The Dr was the only kindness in that room. And I shut down. Nothing else mattered I closed off the world. I was breathing but not living . My heart was broken, She was gone. There was nothing I just had to move on. A part of me died inside, there would be no getting it back.
She was not spoken of for years. I learned she was something to hide.
The next time that i even spoke about her was when I went to Germany. I have no clue how the conversation started or how it came about. Oliver and I were sitting in this little bar in Germany, The Krown. It was a gorgeous night, the windows were open candles were on, it was amazing, and we sat there candles flickering, breeze blowing and I got the chance to talk about her. There were oh so many words, and only kindness. Oliver sat beside me telling me he was sorry, that things should have been different. He was kind and supportive, I was such a kid, and was so alone and suffered such loss. I was grateful to be able to speak about her and my experience and my sadness. Truly Grateful, there was a heaviness lifted, in getting the chance to speak about her and that was the first time I said her name out loud. So grateful I got that chance. So glad that Oliver listened.
But then i had to come back to the states and live the same dark life that I had left. Things were more than rough, I was not doing well, no one really seemed to care. I lived life in a fish bowl looking out , life was dangerous. There were a few times Bella was mentioned, not much was said, not enough to mend my heart just not enough.....
Then i was in my thirties, middle thirties and I was talking in counseling and it just came out in a round about way....But he stopped me and asked did I know that ? You were pregnant ? I was more than afraid I didn't mean to talk about her, but I did, and I was cared for, stories were shared and my heart became even that much lighter. For the first time ever I felt like I didn't have to keep her a secret, that she didn't make me something awful that she wasn't awful for what happened to me. I finally got to share her and what she meant to me. She was always in this dark place and finally because of that time in my thirties, she was in the light and I even began having dreams of a woman I love holding her and loving her, and finally seeing her as perfect pure and innocent as she was always meant to be. I finally saw Bella in the light, and such peace came with that.
But its been some time, and the truth is I can't share my stories of loss like other women, because it is different. Circumstances and situation are different but I still have every reason to grieve and be sad and think of her. She was my Bella, my everything my reason for living. The story scares people and I am more than sorry but her little life, that amazing life that I had those months with were amazing and I am grateful for that time.
So on this day, Infant Loss day, I am standing up for Bella; she mattered , she was mine and I loved her. The loss is just as real as others moms that have lost. My sadness is just like yours.
I am sure She would be an amazing woman , and I look forward to seeing her in heaven
For my Bella this is for you.I hope that you are proud.
I heart your heart.
Plumb : I want you Here
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