As simple as it seems

As simple as it seems it is not.  Nothing is ever simple, nothing is for me. Sleep, friends, family, life, nothing is simple its pretty messy. ALWAYS. There are too many pieces that are all over the place.  Many pieces are coming together ;and there are many pieces still trying to find their place. Sometimes I feel those pieces all at once, and I can't explain it but I am coming to understand this PTSD of mine has a lot to do with it. I am terrified of dwelling on my past of holding on and not letting go and sure there is some of that , that I do, but a lot of it is my brain.  My brain was wired from as far back as I can remember for trauma, to survive, it to keep moving, kept breathing.  There are so many things in my head that there is no way for me to understand , that there is no way for me to even put words too, . Which makes them so complicated for others because even I don't understand them.  Its so complicated, so very complicated.  Last night was rough, there were nightmares all night!! And the kind that you don't recover from quickly.  About people being too close, about the loss of Bella about being alone, about not knowing what to do.  About being so alone in your worst moments that your greatest wish is to just stop breathing. There is nothing you can do but survive. The nightmares were like that last night.  People in my space and they didn't even care.  How can people not care!!  People watching on like nothing is happening as piece by piece I was falling apart. I feel that in my bones so much.  I hate blood and there was lots of blood in my dreams and there was nothing I could do.  Every decision in my life is complicated and comes with so much thought and past experience.  I have learned that there are so many things that I can control that I can change, and the things I want to change the most are etched in my brain,  and at a single smell, or song, or touch they become so very real.  SO for me a tree , a simple beautiful  tree is not simple,  a gentle touch is not simple,  a sound that I loved is not simple and that is my life. Nothing is as simple as it seems. Even nightmares.

When the nightmares like last night are so vivid and so real its hard to get out of them in the morning. So I take a shower, thinking I can wash it all away, nope and the scratches come. Because I am awake my eyes are open open but the pictures linger and the feelings have a grip that rivals the strongest of the strong.  On mornings like this I wonder why I fight.  Why do I always fight, what is it that has kept me going ?  It seems that they are going to win; the pictures and the memories.  Its a beautiful day, absolutely beautiful and my mind goes back to that place on the beautiful day when I was hurt ; hurt right there under those beautiful amazing trees. But I can tell you that I was more than grateful for that tree, it allowed my mind to go somewhere else. Its in those simple things , that the sadness is overwhelming.I just want a tree to be a tree. A hug to be a hug a kindness just a kindness.

The kind of nightmares like last night are unimaginable because it takes pieces puts them in a blender and spits them out at me a million miles an hour. Its so confusing and you know all these pieces by heart  but your mind, my mind oh my mind, puts them together in ways trying to make sense of the un-explainable and its awful just awful.   I mean even if i could explain them, if i could just find the words but I don't and I am not sure that I can.

It seems lately I keep fighting, but I am not sure that I am winning.  People say they see progress.  They say that these things that are happening are good, but my heart is not so good.  My heart is scared and worried .  The sad is HUGE and its growing.  Maybe this is another stage of acceptance, maybe its my mind saying what are doing!!  This life is dangerous, VERY VERY  dangerous. With each step I think this is going to be the thing that is that A HA moment and everything is going to fall neatly into place.  The outside pieces are coming together, my insides, yes those pieces are cracking and seem to be loosing their footing.   

Maybe it is coming to a different piece a different level of understanding.  I just don't know but even if that is what it is, it doesn't make it any easier.  I am trying to hard to do those right things to do whats best, to find my place and I feel like I go  two steps forward and three steps back.  My heart is so very tired. I do it all I always do, there is going to come a breaking point. I don't know what that point is.  I feel fragile, I need people to be patient and gentle. I have been worried about it for so long, that there is going to finally be a piece that is just going to completely break me.  I laugh and do really well trying to cove up the sad but its more than difficult.  Even with Matthew I laugh and joke but the seriousness of the things that I am feeling, oh my goodness they are more than heavy to bear. I am just too sad to even tell you, even the words coming out are more than painful.  I do not want to do this on my own and at the same time that's the only way I know how. 

I am trying to do the right thing get help, even get medicine and it seems I am hitting yet another brick wall.  Am I supposed to be doing this?  Is this the right thing ?  I am willing to try anything at this point, because I don't want to break and I fear that its coming. Because I am always OK and everyone assumes that I am always OK, what happens when that day comes comes and I am as far from OK as a person can get while still breathing......that is a huge fear......that someday the weight of all the things that have happened are just going to crush me and there will be nothing left.  Insurance is a huge barrier right now, and I was so excited, that things were going to be OK, that I was going to be able to take care of things,  YES, eventually after I pay that 5000 deductible, in what world does that even make sense, it does not.  I am more than frustrated, I just want help, I just want to get better and I am not sure what the next steps are that I need to face.  I am trying more than hard, and its more than frustrating.

I heart your heart.