A dagger is a dagger

You know that when I don't even a title that things are rough .  I am tired of fighting. Tired of needing, tired of the things that just are not going to work for me.  The sadness in my heart I don't even have words for.  And some things are working at least on the outside, some things are doable and yet others are not and I am more than tired.  Everyone assumes I am fine, only I am not.  I AM NOT FINE.  So I found this quote and it is me, and people have no idea the sadness in my soul. And I need people more than anything.  I need good people that are going to stay that will have coffee, that will help me hold my head above water when it feels as though I am drowning in the past. People that will come up behind me and be my support when I just can not do it on my own.  I do everything on my own, I handle everything, I always put on a smile, things are fine. I need someone to be careful with my heart and help me hold the sadness. People don't see the sadness of my soul; of my heart and I  want so much for people to understand.  I want so much for people to be a little kinder, a little gentler, a little more thoughtful.  In the scheme of things, there are little things that are just a little dig, with no purpose other than to pick at something and my heart needs no more picking.  I hope it makes a person feel better, was it really worth it ?  Did anything change  or get accomplished nope, just my heart gets hurt. Am I sensitive, yes maybe too much yes but that is me.  Should it probably not, yes but it does.  It may not seem like a pick to them,  but it is and my heart melts because I know, there is no care or concern there at all.  There is never a reason to be unkind to anyone.  And when there are so many things that are unkind that is something that nothing was going to change or come out differently so was there really a point other than to make yourself feel better ?  NO.

I just have this happy personality

And a sad soul in one body.

It feels weird sometimes.

I am tired of explaining, wanting to explain myself so others will understand, it just isn't going to happen. And I think this is a poor me post, and I hate it but truly I want to curl up in a ball and  cry, I want to give up on the world, and scream and throw a fit and through back all the things that my heart has taken for so many years. I put up with everything, let it roll off and I keep going.  Its sometimes the stupid little things that are daggers.  Sometimes not meant to be but still they are.  And what is the point ?   Does it make you feel better ?

Really its about compassion. You just never know what someone is dealing with on a daily basis. YOU NEVER KNOW. You may not understand and that is fine to but you must show me kindness and compassion because I am lacking and its going to take some catching up in this life of mine. Is it kind ?  Is it thoughtful?  Does it matter ? In five years from now, is it going to matter ?  I am more than sorry I need lots of extra compassion, it is how I am built.   And I am sure that i will apologize the rest of my life, but its just what I need.  I am happy on the outside and there are many inside parts that do truly have joy, but there are those parts of my soul that are more than sad, that I am not sure its ever going to totally go away. Those parts are scared and broken and have seen and experienced the unimaginable, and deserve a break.   I just want this sad soul, to find a soft place, an all the time soft place.

I heart your heart.