And it's hard saying that really, I though that there was a chance with my mom, she seems to be a little less judging, more open I was the same but it seemed that maybe she was a little different. I was wrong it was wanting something that I am not meant to have. She says things to get what she wants, to get you exactly where she wants you and I am not playing.
She tells the kids things, some things a child should never hear. We never have a conversation we never talk, ever anymore, unless Vincent puts me on speaker phone because she has a question. I answer the questions but there is never conversation. Every now and then I feel guilty that I don't try harder, but then I have to protect my heart. I can never put my heart out there, that would be asking for a disaster. So for some time she has told Vincent that she is going on a cruise, OK whatever. I literally have nothing to say. I am not involved in her life, she is not involved in mine. We don't do Christmas or thanksgiving, together, she goes to my brothers. I have not been invited. The kids are not included. There is no connection anymore.
She broke what little connection we had left, when we sat on the coach, my last year of school my final two semesters of student teaching and asked when I was moving out. I had already found the most awful email where I saw in writing exactly what she thought of me. I was more than crushed. I poured my heart out on that couch, I was crying, sharing my whole heart. From her there was no feeling no emotion, not once did she reach out, she shrugged her shoulders and said I have to figure out my feelings for you. Imagine saying that to your own child, Now imagine being that child. A mother is supposed to love you no matter what, unconditionally all the time. But I wasn't loved, I wasn't cared for, I was something that she had to figure out I heard those words and I stopped talking, I went to my room crying. There was nothing there, I was sharing from the bottom of my heart and she shrugged her shoulders. I was beyond crushed.
So a few days ago, there was this post on Face book, by my brothers girlfriend. How she couldn't sleep because Chris was on his cruise. Yes my mother went on a cruise and she went on a family cruise with my brother. A family cruise. So I am not family. They are not mine. They are my mother and my brother but they are not my family. And its conservation cruise, which stings a little more, makes it worse, they are ones that think attending Sea World is still OK, and swimming with dolphins, isn't a big deal. Do they know me ? Do they even care ? Words and actions just do not match. I am done. I AM DONE.
I will be civil, I will be polite, but don't expect anything from me, there is nothing left and I just can not keep trying. My entire life my heart has been trampled by most of those that I have come in contact with. Many there was nothing that I could do anything about this time I can do a lot and I just will not continue to be treated like I have done something wrong. I have had to fight my entire life and I will not fight for something and someplace where I am not wanted. So I am done. I will continue to fight for my children and myself, that is what I have.
With my brother I am not sure what happened really. I would talk to him tell him how i was being treated, I told him that I was trying so hard and nothing was working, he wanted to fix things, I just wanted him to listen. I loved him, he was my little brother. When we got together we would laugh and we were really funny together. It was nice being adults and having a relationship. And what happened I am not sure that I can explain. He came here a few times, and never let me know. I asked him about it, like hey you come and you don't even see me ? Hid reply well WE thought it was best.....who is WE my mother and him. I had not heard from him in months I tried to call his number and it said the number was no longer in service he had changed his number and never bother to give it to me. I was crushed. I was making dinner in the kitchen and was more than shocked, what why in the world would he do that to me. I was the one who wrote him letters when he was in away, each and every week, and we would drive hours every weekend to see him so he would company. I sold my furniture so we would have gas to see him. He came for my graduation and it was supposed to be this big secret. I was glad he was there he should have been he was my brother. I saw him for maybe 10 minutes that night. It was awkward, there was nothing to say my feelings were hurt he wanted to be the hero, because he was here. Sorry, then my graduation party, he didn't even show up, saying he didn't know if he was invited. SERIOUSLY. I asked my mother to call him tell him to come, there were a number of excuses she didn't have his number, he wasn't answering, and that was that. I had a few moments in my room, where the world was spinning, I just didn't understand. I was crushed. I can not explain. I can not even guess what his thoughts are. But I guess he is my mothers family. And she is his. And in that there is no room for me. There are no calls on birthdays , but I send a card on his because that is what a sister does. It may not matter to him it matters to me and I will continue to do it.
Them being on this cruise together hurt so very much, more than I really would like to admit. In so many areas I am finding my voice and I will not be quiet just for them. I will not be quiet at all, I will not cower in a corner and forget who I am. I will not be quiet and not say the things that I know are right. I have fought to be here and good things are happening. But I am done.
So I am weary of calling people family. I just left a church where they always talked about family but yet it was words and nothing more. People have no idea what that words mean when a person doesn't have family. Family is so much more, everything more. True Family is everything more, its supposed to be everything kind and unconditional. Family are the people that are your soft place to fall. And I have a few of those, but they also have their own families, and I always know that. The ones that love me unconditionally. The ones who we may not agree with me but are there. The ones that are honest, tell me if I am crazy, or if that makes sense. The ones that tell me to follow my dreams, the ones who The ones who cry with me, because they hear my heart. The ones who I can laugh with and be silent with. Family is something different for me. and I am looking for things that I am not sure if they are possible but I am looking, searching and hoping. Oh I am hoping.
I am sure that there are times that I will miss them. I am sure, I will miss my brother I will still hear that song by Randy Travis and remember the time that we drove all night to bring him home for Christmas. Those are the things that families do, those are the things I will remember.
For my brother. I heart your heart. I will love you forever.
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