It feels big

This past week my past has seemed huge. I have felt it in so many ways.  I am feeling more and I am not sure that I like it. Outside things are falling into place. Inside things are not OK.  I think when people ask questions and you answer them and then you realize how big the answers are....and that someone is listening,  the memories get huge, the visions are many and a person feels the weight of what has happened to them.  It's not that I am dwelling that is a huge fear of mine.  Its just that so much has happened, and this is one of those times that I am just going to have to sit with it.  Going to have to sit with the bigness of my past.  It feels big really big.  And I don't even think that there is anything I could do , its just big and I just need some time.  The tears are plenty lately; the feelings are coming back around.  Honestly I haven't felt for some time, its always there the pictures the memories but there are times that the feelings come and those two things come together and its a lot. And this is one of those times.  I want someone there to listen, I want to talk and get things out and have help figuring them out. I know there is not a single thing that any person can do, it just is. I want someone to hear and for things to matter.  This is what has happened, and these are the things that I have to face.

And there is more added to that.  My therapy is expensive.  My insurance pays for nothing out of network until I reach my deductible.  I feel defeated I feel like there is no way that I am over going to totally recover from this. The time and care that a past like mine takes is unimaginable! There is no way to get rid of the pictures, and the thoughts and the nightmares.  I really thought there was going to come a time when I would be able to sleep, I had so much hope!!!   It's not fair really.  Because I just want to heal, I just want to fix the thoughts that are like cement in my head.  I want it more than anything, and I will fight to get it. I just want to feel normal, to be a part to be heard and listened to.  I am letting new people in and its terrifying.  What if these people leave too ?  What if these people can't handle the truth? What if they see me as a burden?  I am scared, so so so scared but I am hoping that it is worth reaching out.  That they are going to stay and be willing to walk beside me.  I need that so very much.

I want to be able to have true conversations, to be real to feel and to cry and that be OK.  I am not sure if church is the place for me, I want to believe and understand but I also know that I am different.  I can say that I believe in God that we are on the same couch but that couch is very long and my arm is out.  We are fine as long as you stay over there and i stay over here.  I am not sure if my different is going to be OK, if I will be accepted.  And I am scared.  This week was in so many ways so great, and in other ways my heart is hurting, and I am alone. I have put on a happy face the kids are doing really good, they are enjoying school, they are such great kids. They are kind and compassionate and I begin to doubt everything about myself and look at them and they are more than amazing and I did that. I have taught them those good kind things.

I heard from their school counselor, and she said she had some shirts, for them I said that was awesome.  Then I sent her an email thanking her, and I asked her to keep an eye on the kids that I had to tell them some important information about their father and if she noticed anything to let me know.  I never got a response back and the shame that I feel in even saying anything is HUGE.  And of coarse that also has its impact.  I speak ask for help and then silence.  Its a pattern for me, I reach out and I get silence. I feel exposed and its not good, and she should absolutely know better.

I just need someone to be there all the time.  And the holidays are coming up, and we will be on our own, and that is rough.  Catrina  knows us and asked what we were doing, sadly I said probably just staying here.  The Wiebe's are taking a family trip meeting her sister.  That is when family is rough, they are MY family but they have their own.  I don't want to make a turkey for just the three of us and I will, and we will make it amazing, but still no one will be there for me, there will be no family story telling or   any family connection.  Don't get me wrong I will have it for the kids, its just that for me there will not be the things that I so desire.  The things that I want in my own heart. Someone there for me.

We are still trying to find where we are going to live.  I am looking at houses.  There are times I think wow this is going to be amazing, trying to find, that perfect place for us, there are times I think oh my goodness how in the world am I going to afford that perfect place to live.  I want the right place to come open for us, that is just right where we can make ourselves a real home that is all ours.  That is what I want more than anything. Those are the outside pieces that are coming together.

I need more coffee shop conversation I need more connection, I need more things that are real and true. I need more time to do what gives my heart peace of mind. What gives this weary heart of mine just a little rest.I am stepping out side my normal usual looking for those things and hoping  that maybe maybe this is the time; maybe this is a new season of real true friends and honest listening, and more true healing.  The healing that I have left to do is not going to happen on my own.  I wish that it could be, then I would not have to burden other people, because the things I need to share are heavy and I don't want to put that on anyone but I also know that I can not carry it myself.  I can not be ashamed of the past I need help figuring out how it fits into my story and live life today.  I just need more people to walk beside me, helping me along. Arms around me telling me I can do this.  That is what I need. That is what I am looking for.

I heart your heart.