Worth

This is big, more than huge and a struggle that is much bigger than I fear that I am.  Who me worthy?  Yea the automatic thoughts start in my head. You must be talking about someone else.  Worth is a crazy thing really, for me its one of those things that I can not get my head around !!!! I see worth in others all the time, I see that and it makes sense. I see it with out even thinking about it, it i just there.  I think it starts for little kids as soon as they are born. Even way before really, as soon as i knew that i was pregnant oh my little ones were more than loved.  I would sit in my rocking chair and talk to them and rub my big o'belly.  I Loved every second.  For the kids that I teach I value them just because they are because they need someone to love them and care for them and take care of their heart. Because they are special and I see that in everything that they do. I can see and experience all those things yet for me, I keep looking for reasons and excuses to believe that I don't fit into the same category.

There are just to many things that have happened, too much water under the bridge and somehow I became unlovable and unworthy.  People for a long time have tried to get me to believe, that I have worth that I am worthy, and deep down I do not believe it yet.  I am trying its just isn't something that I have ever believed. Never in my life growing up did I feel that I was worth anything. I was never special, never taken care of.  And its mind blowing that even today, all those things that I was taught growing up about myself are like cement in my head that little by little I am trying to chip away. But it is more than hard. They are so strong and so a part of who I am, and I am really trying to believe the things others are saying.  My brain keeps going back to the time when I was young and was taught that there was no value in my life, what I wanted didn't matter, when I was hurt it didn't matter,  When I was sad or mad or even glad it didn't matter.I didn't matter my friends and that is something heart breaking.   The only person that ever mattered was my father, and that is indescribable.  He would get mad at anything and everything and we would have to ask him for our forgiveness!!  WHAT....in what world does that make sense, in no world at all except the one I grew up in. I was always the kid, with questions, well why, I don't want to I didn't do anything, but yet none of that mattered,  I was worthless forget what you believe, forget that you have your own thoughts, just do what you are told make other people happy. My needs and wants were never important.  Lie Lie Lie, tell everyone you are fine smile and make them believe.

And that is how life was lived. Way back then.

I didn't matter, people didn't care and the long lasting affects of that is something unbearable and so hard to overcome. Even when people tell you that YES you do have the same worth that you see in other people, you look at them like they are crazy,and think well if they only knew.  Its a strange thing really, I have learned so much over these last few years and I have people who believe that I am worthy and who believe in me.  But still I keep looking to prove that I am worthy. In my head I think well if  you knew all this about me you too would see just how unworthy that I am.  I keep trying to prove it to people, only some people are not buying it.  I have told theses people many times that a bat a really big one might get it through my head.  I feel different, I see things different and I keep looking for proof that I am something other than and honestly I am not finding it.

I am here today and I have many good things happening and I am finding myself scared to death.  I am scared to make the right decisions, scared to make the wrong ones, I am all around scared that I am going to fail.  That my choices aren't going to be the right ones.  I have to be so self sufficient and take care of everything and I am over-whelmed.   These thoughts are constant  and so very loud.  I am trying to fight them thinking new thoughts, finding a better and different way to view myself , I am trying to believe differently and there are times that I think I get a glimpse of it,  something different than i have ever known, but I can not even begin to tell you how uncomfortable that it makes me feel.

The decisions that I am going to have to make in the next few months are BIG life changing kind of decisions, things that I was never taught, things that I know nothing about and that is a scary place to be.  Like the kids and I are going to be out on our own and that is more than exciting.  The kids might bust and we are looking for furniture and things to go with our house.  We are looking at apartments and houses, and number of rooms and space available and I am looking for the right place for the right money and I know what it is that I want and the whole worth thing comes in to play do I deserve that nice house, I know that my kids do, but I think do I ???  I can't not even explain the dilemmas in my head.  An apartment would be fine anywhere we live, I know it it will be ours and it will be perfect but its one of those huge life steps and I am taking it on my own and that is scary.   Me what do I want?  If everything was perfect I want a house, apartments are expensive, and I want a house.  I want the kids to have their own bedroom, their own space.  Their entire lives they have never had their own space, their own little retreat and they need that.  They have not exactly had things easy and I know that they will be happy where ever we are but I want the best for them. I want them to have their own room, I want a yard for a dog. I want lawn furniture, so I can sit outside and enjoy the sunset after a long day at work.  I want my own room with my own things and some privacy, I would like to write with out someone over my shoulder, I would like to get up in the middle of the night and check my own locks and smile knowing that we are all safe and sound.   I would like to take a long hot bath after the kids are in bed and put candles on and cry if I need to cry or laugh or talk on the phone if I want to and say what ever it is that I need to say.  Those are things that I want.  And all of those things , I want to do in a house. My house.  I am believing that the right place will open up for us.  That there is a perfect place that is meant just for us, my little family, with Dorothy and Glenda and friends that we have yet to meet.  I want those things. I want my very own house.

And sometimes that glimpse of worth is big and I think yes I want those things, and that is ok !  I am 40 years old and I will have my 41st birthday in my own place and that is something amazing it has taken me so long to finally get here, but I have made it.  If I had no worth I would not be here right now and I forget that.  I have had some pretty awesome people guide me along the way and I am grateful.  Its sad that at 40 I need people to tell me that I am worth so much more than I even give myself credit for.  But I need that, I need people to walk beside me telling me its ok, that i got this that i have come this far surely I can go the rest of the way.   The direction that I am going is a good thing and I am heading in good places, and I know that a year from now when I am sitting writing in my own house this will seem so very far away, but this is my here and now and I continue fighting for me and the life that I want the life that I deserve and dare I say the life that I am worth y of.  I am going to make it, I am.

I heart your heart.