It all started back in January. I kept seeing a movie popping up in my news feed on Face book. Pursuit of Truth, talking about child sexual abuse. I tried to ignore it, it kept coming back, I finally watched the trailers and I would cry and cry. I finally got the courage and ordered the video, and it sat on my shelf for some time and that is so unlike me, but I just couldn't watch it yet, it was too close to home. Then one day, the kids were at school I was doing laundry cleaning up and it was time. It was time to watch the movie that was going to change things for me, only I didn't know just how at the time. I kept myself busy during most of the movie watching bits and pieces, then I sat and watched the end, and the tears would not stop. This movie hit a cord with me, it was something phenomenal that I couldn't believe someone cared enough to give a voice too. So I found the movie on Face book and I sent a message to the Director. Little did I know that I would get a response. I thanked her, said that I was so tired of the silence and asked what I could do. With in the day I got a message back asking me what I felt that I needed and how she could best help me…..I cried when I got the message back from her. Pressing charges on my father was something that was a huge part of me and someone was talking about it, someone was giving it a voice, from the very beginning she heard me and listened. I told her just very briefly about my case how I was treated what the outcome was . I told her that I needed to do something that I wanted my story to mean something, and for the things that happened to me to make a difference for others. I told her that I want so much for people to understand how important that this is. And again I got a response saying how she totally gets it !! OH MY really someone who gets the urgency who understands where I am and what I am talking about ???? She said that is why she is working on getting those stories out there, she gave me her email and asked if I would send her my story?? What someone wants to hear my story…YES absolutely, again I told her there has to be meaning in all that has happened to me, and I thanked her for hearing me and listening. All of this with in two days. January 21 and 22. The days that started it all, that I am grateful for.
I wrote out the short version of my story, I apologized over and over for there being so much, and I sent her the email with my story. And the last line I wrote I would love to hear from you, I would love to speak with you and know how I can be a voice. And that night I got a response and she asked if I would be available to talk on the phone …And we did, and it was more than amazing, and I cried I cried a lot, someone really understood, someone cared enough to understand. And she asked if I would be willing to tell my story on film, who me, but I was nobody?! I was sitting out front, talking to a women over a thousand miles away that heard me and understood and wanted me to tell my story. I was excited, I was in shock I was a nobody why was she talking to me?? She asked if I would speak with another producer an attorney. I said why yes of coarse. With in a few days I spoke with Neil and he was the most amazing person. He was talking about the legal side, and we went back and forth and I just couldn't understand the system and why I wasn't listened too, I didn't want to hang up the phone really. I told him some of the things that happened and how I was treated in my case and he said there was no reason for being treated like that at all…and I was shocked I thoughts that is what I deserved, to be doubted, to be judged. Such understanding coming from someone I didn't even know!
Then January 28, I got an email from Valerie, It was titled from Neil after speaking with you….
"Sherri Deserves all the validation that we can give her. She essentially did all of this on her own, with out real support or guidance. She had no idea how to navigate through the legal system but was driven by the need to protect little Angela. Even now she does not understand the extent of her unselfishness and courage. Her voice and her story deserve to be heard. " What who me, it made me cry, I was just doing the right thing, just trying to make things better for others, my heart my heart was understood….I was validated, they were not telling me to be quiet, or ignoring they were listening and doing something.
These two people understood where I was coming from!!! People often think I am crazy, that I am dragging my past out that I am not letting it go, and maybe there are parts of that that are true, there are parts that I hold onto but the biggest part is that I want people to listen to me and my story and to do things differently, to treat survivors better, to listen and protect others! I am sure that I am going to spend my life sharing my story so that others will understand, so that others will be treated better than I was.
So through the months there were many emails and conversations, I was proud that I was going to get to be a part of something that was so incredibly amazing!! Finally it came down to nailing down dates for filming. I think that somewhere in the back of my mind, I wasn't sure this was real that this happening, the entire time, I doubted myself my experiences, my truth and they were so encouraging, so positive letting me know that these things happen through out the system and that’s why they want to give people like me a voice.
We were looking at different dates, calendars looking to find a time where all schedules would come together so we could make this happen. I came up with a few dates, then we would go back and forth and then finally an email with dates from the cinematographer, and when he was busy and when he was available. And we had a date May 21, 2015. And that was perfect, we would film on Friday May 22, which was 15 years to the day that I took a plea and my case was over. This was going to be a very important date. It may have been ignored 15 years ago but it would not be ignored this day.
I was a little nervous, I was doubtful of myself that I wouldn't get my point across or say the right things or that my story was worth it , that my story was worth having a voice, people in my everyday want me to shut up, they don't want to hear about it. Most people , not all, but most that I am around would rather I shut up and smile than acknowledge the seriousness of this issue, the seriousness of the issue to me in my life.
And it was set dates were set hotels were booked and I was scared, I was excited and I was going to get a chance to share my story , to make it mean something for others but hopefully for me too. And the date got closer and closer. There was a strange calm. I was ready for this, I wanted to have a voice, and what other way to do it, then on film, I mean go big or go home and I was going big. There would be no more hiding for me, this was going to be one of the most important things I have ever done. This was on the top of the list with being a mom and graduating school .
So I woke up May 21 about 3 am to crazy rain, lightning and thunder. I kind of laughed, I was looking out the window, and thinking well this is how my life started; how fitting for it to be storming. I just wanted to make sure that my flight was on time and that we got to DC exactly when we were supposed to. My sweet friend Betty was here at 4:45 in the pouring stormy rain to pick us up and it was perfect. We loaded the luggage and I gave her a hug and thanked her; my heart felt full. The tears were welling, this was going to be big, today was the day that things would be different. She understood why I was going and just how very important that this was to me. She had a journal and card for me which I didn't dare open before we got to the airport for fear that the tears would start. I held it close to my heart and was grateful. The ride there could not have been more perfect. Even with the crazy storms, the day started out exactly as it should have been.
We got to the air port in plenty of time, we got through security no problem at all. The kids were so excited the pure Joy on their faces as the plane took off was priceless. I just watched them, soaking it all in, a first for them to be on a plane and all thanks to Valerie, I was grateful. There were a few text messages from Valerie, life in those moments was more than surreal. I was traveling to tell my story I was believed, valued and my story mattered. The flight was awesome and went by super fast. I thought I saw them through the window waiting and my insides were doing flip flops, I was here, I was really here. I have to say that I do not move very fast but that seat belt was off, luggage was out of the overhead bins in a matter of seconds, and we were out of the plane. Then Mariska decided to leave her Jacket on the plane, so we stop she goes to get it meanwhile I just want to see my people. I have been talking to them for months and it was finally happening. And there around the corner I saw Valerie and Neil. I am not sure what the feelings were, it was excitement, it was doubt in my worth being there, it was the hope that this trip was going to mean things that I couldn't even comprehend.
I saw Valerie and she put her arms out to give me a hug, finally we were meeting, I introduced her to the kids and she said that she was going to take them that Carlos was waiting with the camera, and Dianne who I hadn't seen in say close to 14 years. I gave Neil a hug, the kindness was beaming and I knew that I was in the right place.
Neil took my "bag" that had all my court papers and journals, and it was the joke of the trip, that "BAG". That bag carried my life, there were so many thoughts and feelings and emotions in that bag, carrying it felt better, then there was a reason for the weight of my story. SO Neil took my bags and I kept walking and finally I was able to see Dianne. It was perfect it had been so long. The last time that I saw her was in the courthouse where I had to testify. It felt like so long ago , but at the same time like it was yesterday. There was so much that we wanted to say questions that we wanted to ask, and yet there really were no words. She got to meet my children and the journey had begun. Carlos was the camera guy at the airport, he was also so very kind. Their was a softness in their eyes, that was so welcoming.
I felt like I was dreaming, there was so much that I wanted to say. So much that I wanted to talk about and things were just perfect. We took the scenic route out of the airport and ended up where all the cabs were, we laughed and it was perfect. Valerie met with Neil at her office, and we went out for lunch. It was cool, and misty outside, Perfect, just perfect. I was soaking it all in, watching, I am honestly not sure what all of the conversation was. But my heart was happy, I was content and I didn't have to look over my shoulder. That feeling that I get when ever I leave Texas. I was safe and cared for and that’s all I really want. My thoughts were spinning, I wanted to hold on to everyone and never let go. I was in DC and people cared and they were ready to listen. Lunch was awesome, I was in awe of the people sitting in front of me, that they were choosing to make something so hard be heard, that they cared enough to take such time for me, I was more than a little overwhelmed. After lunch we went to the hotel to drop our things off and get situated. Valerie and Neil said that they would keep "THE BAG" and look through everything. Wow, that was strange my life was in that bag, so much feeling and emotion and trauma, seriously my life was in that bag and it was gone. If I was there and looking through it and could explain some of it you know. I think I feared that it would be too much that they might hate me , that they might think I was totally crazy, the raw emotions of my art journals, I was scared. It felt more then strange not having them and knowing that people I had just met had my life in their hands. I was feeling a little lost. We went upstairs the kids and I checked out the hotel, we had an awesome Balcony. Things were very surreal, I felt good , I felt things I have never felt before. With all of that there was a calmness in my heart. We just chilled out, Dianne came to our room and we talked some and got caught up a little I ordered Pizza for our dinner, things were just peaceful. And my first day in DC was coming to a close. I tried to journal and no words would come. I knew that tomorrow was going to be a huge day for me. I didn’t know what it was going to be like but I knew that it was going to be huge for me.
Of coarse that night there was no sleeping for me, sleep has never been my favorite, and this night there were too many things running through my head. The weight and seriousness of what I was going to be doing were heavy on my heart. I wanted this to make such a difference, I wanted to make people understand. I also knew that 15 years to the day, is when my case was finally over and they took a plea. For that I have always felt so awful, that I didn't push it just a little more. I received a few texts from Valerie, and she was so calming so positive. There was a peace, she knew me and there was no judgment just genuine kindness and my soul felt that. I received a few more texts from people that they were thinking about me that I would do amazing. I was grateful for them and wondered if they weren't all crazy, they seemed so sure that I was going to do amazing, but I was not. When I did finally go to sleep there were the nightmares and restlessness, But soon the sun would come up, the clouds would have cleared and I would be sharing my story.
I was up early, took my shower, hoping for a good hair day, wanting this day to mean so much. This day 15 years ago was not far from my mind for a second. I was more than alone in my own shell 15 long years ago and not one person in the world had a clue what I was going through. We went and had breakfast in the hotel. Me I was not eating, I wasn't sure that my stomach would hold anything, it was dancing and had butterflies. My ulcers were killing me! I was convinced that I wasn't going to cry, that I was going to be strong, and tell my story. Nothing at all turned out the way that I had planned or thought about in my head. We got a text from Valerie, saying they were ready. I was calm on the outside saying ok we are just finishing breakfast. But in side I wanted to yell at everyone to hurry, that they were waiting on us and we needed to leave NOW! But I didn't, and everyone finished their breakfast. We took the hotel van across the street and were ready to start the day.
It was a little overwhelming walking in the room, there were lights and cameras, and people oh so many people I felt like the room was packed!!!! They had the kids and I sit down and took some pictures I signed a release. Everyone introduced themselves. The kindness in the room was unbelievably overwhelming. All these people had come together for me to hear my story. These people believed me and believed that I had something to say, that I deserved to have a voice ! Even writing that, oh gosh its more than powerful. We took the kids to a room down the hall while we were taping, and I did worry but I also knew that they would be fine. Valerie came over to me and said that since the film was about the justice system the focus was going to be on the case and all that involved, that there wasn't a need to focus on all the other abuse. I think I was relieved, that was still so overwhelming and one piece at a time was more than enough. Neil came and sat by me on the couch and I am sure what he said was important, though I do not remember a word of what he said, but it was calming, reassuring and so respectful. They wanted to make sure that I was ok. Ha they wanted to make sure that I was ok, what more could a person want in life! They went over how it would work the questions that they would ask, how I was to answer them, not what to say but just restating the question since Neil's voice would not be in the documentary. I was only aware of the cameras for a short time, then they seemed to disappear and it was me and my story in a room of people that were listening that were hearing that cared for my heart, that wanted to make a difference. WOW, I was taking in each and every second.
They had me start talking about the abuse and I honestly am not sure what I said or how I said it, I didn't want to give too much detail and didn't want people to think it was no big deal, so I will see soon enough, Right…. Some of the interview I went on complete automatic, there were so many things that I wanted to say, and I cried and I cried a lot. And what did I think I was not going to do!!! Well I did, but it was the kind of healing cry, it was the wow a lot has happened I have been through a lot but wow I am still here, I am doing this so others won't have to go through the things that I have. Healing tears yes they were healing tears. I am not sure how long that we had been taping but they kept making sure that I was ok, asking if I needed a break. I went to check on my kids, they were perfect. Part of me was doing this for them too. That someday they would be proud of me that they would understand so much more about me. So that they always have a voice. There was one time, I had to ask for a break, the realization that they, the entire justice system didn't really listen to me back then that was really hard. Valerie came and sat next to me on the couch hugging me, she was there with me in that sadness and I am more than thankful, she was caring for my heart she was caring for that little five year old that didn't have a voice all those years ago. And she was giving me one today 35 years later. If they would have listened to me it would have kept Angela safe. That was more than rough. Once I was crying, I was so in the moment talking and sharing and I looked up and everyone else was crying right there with me. I am not even sure that I can explain in words what that meant. I have had a few people cry with me in my lifetime that felt my pain and sorrow and it was more than powerful. For me in that moment, sharing my soul with these people in that room, meant more than I could ever possibly try to explain. They saw me like no one else. They asked the right questions. I always categorize the abuse as big things and little things. And Valerie asked like what, I felt myself gliding past her question, this was hard one I felt the shame building, yes these things happened and my heart they were all really big things. But they didn't see the victim, they didn't see the abuse , that is what made it so powerful they saw the strong woman that fought with all that she had, they saw the scared little girl that couldn't tell they saw me all of me and that is one of those things that a person just can not explain. I felt more love, respect, tenderness, kindness in that room and I was peaceful. Even Jim the camera guy came up to me and thanked me for sharing for making a difference, and put his hand on me, and I held his hand. And I can tell you touch 99 percent of the time is not a good thing for me. I hate to be touched, it still scares me sometimes. But people were putting their hands on me as support saying you are brave, you have this, you are going to be ok you are making a difference, and that is something I am going to carry forever from this trip. I felt so very loved and cared for.
And in the process they asked about my victim impact statement. And I had always felt that it really didn't mean much. I was asked to write one and send it to the Da's office but I never got to read it, never showed anyone it was just there, I felt like it was a formality write this but it doesn't matter ….But they had me read it…they had me read my statement….and unbelievable, it was powerful it was strong. I think in reading it I realized that they all tried to silence me over and over but they didn't take my voice and sitting on that couch 15 years to the day that I felt so alone, that he wasn't going to get any jail time, that I wasn't listened to; I read that victim impact statement to a room full of people that mattered the most, I felt every word that I spoke in that statement and there was a certain relief. I felt heard, believed and listened too, that was good for my heart. Taping was over before we knew it….I was spent, so much emotion so much feeling. It was better than I ever imagined and harder than I imagined. It was meant to be, I was meant to be with these people, I was meant to tell my story.
We went out to Eat at the Cheesecake factory after filming, and it was perfect, I was enjoying the people; in my head , well it was spinning, It felt like there were thousands of little tornadoes swirling round in my head. I was looking at the menu but not really seeing anything, I was listening and yet not hearing a thing. I was in a fog, a deep fog. All that I had spoken was huge and there were so many emotions I didn't have a clue what I was doing or where to start. And Neil got a message this his second grandson was on his way two weeks early!!! That was perfect I was so excited for him and he came later that night.
I carried my "BAG" from filming to the restaurant , it was my life, and I was feeling the heaviness. Everyone kept offering to help but this was my life, I was going to carry it. We ordered dessert to go, and we left for the hotel. There were so many emotions in my head, so much wanted to come out and yet I didn't have a clue how to even start…..We got to the hotel and we were unloading….And we had to say our goodbye's to Neil he would probably be leaving on an early flight to see the new grand baby. I was more than excited for him, and so sad for me I wasn't ready to say goodbye. And I went to give him a hug and with tears in his eyes he said you are my hero, and the emotion I just couldn't hold back anymore, the words that he said, he meant them and he gently touched my face again so gentle just how he looked at me, I don't have the words and can't it explain it. I have only felt that two other times in my entire life! I felt important in that moment, I felt worth , I felt so much worth. I will remember that moment FOREVER, it still makes me cry and I don't want to ever forget that feeling. And I gave everyone else a hug and said more goodbye's, and walked in to the hotel and the sadness began to overflow, Why couldn’t I have had a nice dad like that ? The pain, the sorrow, the joy to have these people near there was so much.
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| On the balcony realizing so much May 22, 2015 |
I went back to my room and I went to the balcony and balled my eyes out. Just the fact that my life was my life all the things that had led me to this point… All of them….I hated them but with out them I would not have gotten to know these amazing people….emotions and thoughts were on overload, I cried, I walked around the room. Sweet Vincent went downstairs and bought me a drink. I was walking in circles and I wasn't sure which way was up. Mariska had fallen asleep, and Vincent and I ate that amazing cake standing on the balcony, for the moment it made me forget everything and I more than enjoyed that amazing chocolate cake. I tried to write in my journal and there were no words….I talked to the kids some, they had questions about my life. I talked to them about why I was doing this why it was important, and I cried some more. I finally laid down and slept for a little while, then I took the kids swimming. It gave me some time to think, to process the day and they got to swim and be the eleven year olds that I never got to be. We were down there for hours, more tears, I was just feeling the moments of the day. I was already missing these people, I felt blessed too be chosen, I felt loved. We didn't even eat dinner that night, there was nothing left of me and after eating that late lunch no one was really very hungry anyway. The kids feel peacefully to sleep, and I replayed the day and the kindness that I was shown, and the amazing people that I met. As sad as this moment was , I was meant to be here I made it and there was a reason that I had made it.
Valerie kept texting me and every time that she did I would smile, she knew me even in the short time that we had spent together. She knew my heart, I was grateful. We made plans to go to breakfast with Valerie and MJ in the morning before we headed into DC to take a tour on an open air bus and see all the sights that DC had to offer. The weather was amazing, a high of 73 , breezy and sunny, it could not have been a better day. I needed the rest. It was peaceful, it was calm, I enjoyed the fresh air, and seeing the city, watching the people. But I missed Valerie, there were so many things that I wanted to talk to her about, so many things that I wanted to say to her. I found out later Valerie stayed even stayed close to care for my heart that is a person who knew my soul. We finally found the right subway back. Another first for my kids. I totally annoyed the attendant, we couldn't quite figure out how to put the ticket in, I laughed and asked can't tell we haven't done this before right ??? She said YEA not even looking at me, she as not amused….oh well……We made it home and we were exhausted, my eyes still burning from the tears of the last few days, and I already didn't want to go back. Going back wasn't my home, I wanted to be home a place where I belonged. I haven't quite found where home is, where its time I plant my roots.
Again not much sleep, but better, I slept a continuous 4 hours WOOHOO, that was an improvement. Got a few texts from Valerie, she asked if we wanted to do breakfast and asked if we wanted to sleep in or go to rolling thunder ? Yes, that only happens once a year we can sleep anytime, this was special and it gave me more time to soak in having Valerie support and care for me. Rolling thunder is a parade that is for Memorial Day and its thousands and thousands of motorcycles, that all travel first to the pentagon, then on to the memorial wall for the big celebrations. Yes this was exactly how I wanted to spend my last morning in DC. I got an amazing email from Neil, I don't think he even has a clue how important he is to me, how much that his words and actions meant to me on this trip. I loved him, I love him I truly do. Another forever person in my life. I missed him, after breakfast we made it back to the hotel. Valerie said that she was going to get a cab to take us to the airport there was a part of me that was sad, I wanted to spend every possible moment with her. I also understood that we didn't know what the traffic was going to be like since it was the Sunday before Memorial Day.
When we got back after breakfast I had Mariska run upstairs and get her gift. A little tree planted in a heart with three branches. A branch for me Valerie and Neil and all planted in a heart yes this was perfect. These people cared more for my heart than I ever would have imagined. I loved them, oh how I loved them. They knew me, they truly saw me in those few short days, I felt so understood, I felt special, I felt like I mattered. And I thought Valerie was going to give me a hug and then leave but we sat on the couch in the lobby and we talked and talked. And I could try to tell you all that it meant, but there would never be enough paper. She was talking about what I want about my future, about what my plans were, how brave and strong that I was. She said that she stayed up all night reading my journals and finding out, who I was. To take that time, anyone who knows me knows how very important my art journals are. We laughed we cried we swore. I felt like I had known her forever. This most amazing women that I sent a simple message too and she responded with nothing but concern and kindness was now a forever person. We shared from our hearts, she heard mine, I heard hers, so many things in common, she understood me, with out any explanation. I love her, oh I love her. And it was time to say goodbye and it worked out for the best. The tears were flowing, my time in DC was coming to an end. I had learned so many many things. And she went to leave but forgot the little tree for Neil, when we caught her outside Vincent took one last picture, and it’s a favorite. 
I am still trying to process these most amazing four days. I was loved. I was special. I mattered and my heart was full. I cried, I felt so much more than I ever expected. I was true, I was me. All the times that I didn't believe I was strong enough or smart enough, or good enough I think if I can have a voice, I have done good things, I will make a difference for others. I had a voice these 4 days and its my job now to deal with the things I have left to deal with and turn these boulders into stones. With the help of these people I am well on my way, some things in life are meant to happen. This was meant to be, I was meant to do this. 
This is absolutely another favorite picture. I was surrounded by these people that I had just shared my story with, they saw my sorrow and my fears but through it all they saw me. And they encircled me and warmly kindly ,gently put their hands on me, such a huge deal. I don't ever want to forget that feeling in that moment . The feeling of being encircled with love. So supported and loved. I mattered, the themes for me. Maybe now I can start believing them.
One last thing I promise a quote that I found at the Smithsonian that says it all :
I am realizing the road that I have traveled, and its about time that I figure out where I am going.
I heart your heart.
This one is for you Valerie and Neil. Don't forget me.
