So much

 I am not even sure where to begin. But I know that there is a need to write I don't want to forget the things that are in my head, the feelings I have. My head is spinning every hour of everyday lately. And I keep saying is happening, it's really happening! I get angry, sad, frustrated disappointed, challenged, let down, overwhelmed, excited, elated, grateful, so many many feelings Things are changing, I am growing I am thinking I am healing I am seeing things I have never seen before. In less than two weeks I am flying to DC; I keep saying that, keep writing that not believing that I was chosen , that my story matters that my story will speak to people and I hope it will affect people, I want people to do things differently. I feel like this is going to be a game changer for me. A friend of mine said like putting a flag on top of a mountain after a long hard taxing climb, this is my flag. My time my Victory. I want this to be my victory dance, my time to be kind to myself about where I have been and realize that, there is much more to me than the things I have been through. I can not change the things that have happened, I can not make them different, I can not even as hard as I try understand them. There is just no understanding evil. The only thing that I can do is give, make a difference and drop the hate and shame that I carry in my bones. That is easier said than done but even in the acknowledgement there is strength. I know the right words in my head, I know there was nothing I could have done, I know in my head it all wasn't my fault, but my heart needs some time to catch up, I have a ways to go with this heart of mine, and these next steps will all be in the right direction. There is still so much hurt in my heart, because I hold on to what if, if only, what could have been, all the butts if I was just different, just acted different just fought more but my heart needs to see what I know the truth is in my head. This is my time, time to share, time to grow, time to be loved and know I am going to be ok. I am looking forward to sharing and making a difference. There were not people around to make a difference for me to hold my heart and I crave that for others; For children for survivors , I can hold their hearts.

I get upset that I don't have more people, that people don't understand. When actually the people that I do have are the people that matter. And honestly I don't think I am sure sometimes what it is I want. I want people to understand things that are beyond normal life experience, and that is not fair at times. Sometimes I want people to talk to me to ask questions and yet I shut down. I want people to be there and yet I won't let them. No one ever said that I wasn't complicated , so sorry my friends. I want to be able to talk about the things that are important to me and it's coming, things are changing and I believe it's coming for me. I need a best friend and that's something that you can't just ask for, snap your fingers and it appears its something that has to happen, that I want. I need one of those, a best friend. But I can be the same for them too. I am forty I need one of those, here's to hoping it happens.

I have such hope in the things that are happening in the next few weeks. I am hoping that there in DC my heart gets some of what its looking for. A break, A big break, a soft place to cry, a soul connection that you just don't find everyday, that is what I am missing in the everyday. I think I even found a piece of that in a bible study that I just completed. I think I cried every single meeting, because there was no need for words just an understanding at times, I need that. When people make a comment and your heart kinda stops because YEA!!! THAT'S EXACTLY what its like, and there is no need for explanation. YES YES I need more connection and not just the once in awhile kind, the soul kind. And I have said before I need someone to come beside me and help me along. I have done this journey of life on my own for so long, I need someone helping me along, and I also know that is so much to ask for, maybe too much but I can not do this on my own either anymore. I need someone to hold my hand and say come on you can do this, come on come on. And being 40 I shouldn't need that but I do, For the next years of my life I need that like I need air to breathe. You know like that little kid on the soccer field that keeps looking to his parents that has no clue what to do next,where to kick the ball,or even which way to go,yep, that.  I may be 40 but that is me, a big part of me is still that kid on the field and I need people on my side pointing advising helping me along and getting the goal. I never had that and I need it. People see me the 40 year old that is a mom and is always smiling I promise you next time you see a little out on a soccer field that is me on the inside, I need lots of direction, I just didn't learn many things that I should have and I have to play catch up all the time.

I have felt a little selfish lately which is a terrible thing in my book, but I have, there are things that I want and I need in this life that I have to work for and going to DC is something that is the next huge piece of my life. I have shared my story some I have been to counseling, I have done so many things to heal but there has always been something that has been missing. I have had amazing people ; there was always that hush behind me like oh I wish she wouldn't talk about "that" or they cringe and walk the other way or just step away all together. I have met people that want it talked about that want things to change; that see just how very different that things should be for others like me for thousands of others that we come in contact with all the time. There are just so many feelings and its time that  honor them and not ignore. 

Talking to the people in DC , Neil and Valerie there is an understanding a genuineness that I can not understand but am grateful for. I am a little nervous just with the unknown but I am more than ready, I am hoping that this will be the piece that I have been looking for. I am sure its not a cure all but it’s a piece that I hope will make some little pieces all fit together. I am the scarecrow there are pieces of me everywhere and I need all my pieces in DC, all the pieces that are broken and ugly, especially the pieces that are shattered and stained; and needy and scarred all of those pieces are going to be there, things are coming together, and I am going to be me, speak the truth and people are going to listen.

This is for me. Rachel Platten The fight Song

 

I heart your heart