Again

Again I am feeling that I am not in the right place. It took me so very long to even entertain the idea of going to church again after my first real church home ended in shambles and left me with a broken heart. The last church ended so badly, that talking about it still bothers me. I know that things change and grow and evolve, people change, people always change it's just a fact of life but I am not feeling at home in the church that I am in. I have realized that, I even walk in the back door because I feel like a burden. When I walk in the front door, there is that feeling of dread , when a few people see you and you can see the thoughts oh my god what do I do, do I turn away, isn't there somewhere else I could be, someone else that needs a hug or a handshake ? Those are the thoughts that of coarse I don't know for sure but actions speak louder than words and that is what I see that is what I feel.

I have volunteered in the nursery almost since I decided this was the place for me. And I love it. I love those little's they make me smile, and I enjoy every second with them. From the beginning, it's always been little things little comments, little ignores, little everything's that are now leading to big things. When I said that I could serve in the 9:30 service there were the comments well we really need someone for the eleven….When I volunteered for the Halloween trunk or treat, and no one else showed who stayed there all night in the booth to make sure it was covered, I finally grabbed the youth leader and asked for some help so I could take Vincent and Mariska around. Its stupid little things that have turned into big things.

Finally the last straw was I missed some meeting. It was a big important meeting, since the children's ministry will be moving rooms and things will be crazy until the building expansion is complete. I understand it was important. I also understand that I could not smile and pretend everything was fine, there was nothing left of me to attend the meeting. I understood that but there was nothing left of me it was a really rough week, I had so very much going on and I just couldn't stay that late at church. So I emailed the children's director and told her I have a lot going on I am so very sorry that I missed the meeting but there was just not enough of me to go around. And blah blah, about getting ready for DC and some of what I have going on. And crickets I heard nothing. I was more than honest wanting her to understand and nothing. Fine send another email the next week, a friend offered for me to visit her church so I will not be in the nursery then I leave for my documentary and I gave her the dates. All I get back is well tell me who is going to fill in for you on those dates? WHAT? Really, who am I supposed to get to cover me, I don't even have a clue. I am not fitting in; I am not connected to anyone other than Jen who I work with in the nursery and the kids. And the one family that I love that brought me here to begin with. And I love the youth leader and his wife, and their new little ones, twin boys. I am not a joiner HA SHOCKER; I need someone to guide me along. I have a ton of questions and most of them are not easily answered some don't have answers at all, but I need people being ok with my asking them anyway. I told her that I wasn't doing very well and all that is going on with me and nothing….no care or concern ….So I am thinking that I will tell them this just isn't working for me and I will stay until they find someone , at least through the summer.

And the thing is, I do like it there, I do like the pastor I think he is genuinely a good guy, he means well he truly does but he doesn't have a clue what in the world to do with me and I can feel it I can tell, and I feel like a burden being there. He says the right things but something isn't right.

I need peace and understanding right now, I need someone to hear me, I need people to be patient. Maybe I am just trying to hard there and I need a break. I want so much for them to understand me but I think I am trying too hard. I need people to walk beside me, along side me.    I am not leaving yet. I am just saying the nursery isn't a place for me right now, and I am not sure if this church is, I am not going to make any quick decisions I am giving myself some time, but I will step back from the nursery, I will give them until the end of the summer to find someone to fill my spot, I am staying for the kids because I love them, because they make me happy. I am stayig because mychldren love it there.  But I need to find a place where I fit, where I will feel listened too, where someone can walk beside me as I try to figure this all out. So I am not sure what is next, but I feel the feelings that are stirring and I need something different.

So here I go again.

I heart your heart