Truth

So they say the truth will set you free right?!? So the truth is I am more than shitty.

This month is April; its sexual assault awareness month,its my birthday, my children's birthday and I am supposed to speak and be heard and make a difference, be strong. I need to make others understand. I want to be that kind voice telling people it's ok, it gets better, there is some purpose, some reason for all the pain. And I just can't , I can't do that this year.

Tonight my counselor told me that he is going to start charging me. That he is getting more clients and that basically I keep getting put on the back burner, because I come second to paying patients. That is a sword in my heart. I told him in the very beginning that was a huge fear for me, it has happened before. I don't have the money for the counseling that I need to deal with the things that have happened in my life. And oh I understand he has to make a living, I UNDERSTAND that with my whole heart, it doesn't make it hurt any less.

I know,  oh how I know but my heart is absolutely broken. AGAIN.

I had to pull over on the way home, I couldn't see the road I was crying so hard. I am at a loss, a complete loss. And I came home and cancelled my appointment next Wednesday why prolong the enevitable…..

So this blog post will be brutally honest, I may swear, so please excuse me now, sometimes those are the only words that fit, this is exactly where I am this is my broken heart.

This month I turn 40 and it sucks. Not because of the number but because of so many other things. Because I am not proud of where I am. Because I am more than ashamed actually, and its really tough. Things should be different. Things should be very different. I shouldn't be on food stamps to feed my children. I shouldn't be under someone elses' roof. I shouldn't be an aide in a classroom. I should have my own house, I should be in my own classroom. I shouldn't have to break my children's heart explaining why they don't have a dad. I shouldn't have nightmares ALL THE TIME! I should be able to take a peaceful cleansing shower and I can't. I should have someone to help me understand church and god and how that affects me. I am so very tired always worrying about others feelings, when I feel like I am drowning. And I am pissed I know its felt like that for a long time, and it shouldn't but right now it does. I can't even tell you how sorry that I am. It was storming on the way home, and I looked up and there was this beautiful blue sky, and I got more than angry. I was beyond words furious, and words and sounds came from my soul that I have never heard.

The sun was shining in front of me, the dark clouds behind me and I was screaming maybe at god, maybe at myself maybe at the entire season that I am in. Where's the fucking rainbow, please where is the fucking rainbow? There should be a rainbow, I need a rainbow and where is it!!!! I am so done with this season,I just don't understand. I am working as hard as I can!  I pulled myself together, made it the rest of the way home, well a few more miles and again: the sky was just beautiful and I screamed again, this time directly at God, What the fuck, Why, I don't understand…….I don't understand at all. You can make this beautiful amazing sky, and I just need someone to stay for a little while no I need someone to stay period.   I need a constant all the time, not going anywhere person And I screamed and screamed and screamed. And cried and cried and cried.

This place that I am in is scary and hard and overwhelming and I just don't understand. I am going to be 40 years old, and I should not be living in someone elses' house, being a burden, I should have a real job in my own classroom to be able to support myself and my children. I shouldn't need counseling anymore, but I do.

I am not ungrateful for the things that I have been given these past few years, I am more than grateful, ABSOLUTELY more than GRATEFUL. And with all those things that I am grateful for all the greatness that has been in my life these last few years, it’s the pain and sadness that is so very deep, that doesn't go away.

This is when I realize, all those things that happened to me as I was growing up still affect me in so many many ways. The old thoughts , the memories, growing up in the house that I did, the way that I did. It wasn't fair, it wasn't right and it sucks, and I am fighting don't get me wrong, but I am angry. I am really angry.

I am not giving up but I would love to crawl in a hole in a fade away. I am working so hard and I feel like it doesn't matter. I am tired of being a burden. taking up someones space, being on the back burner, seriously, this girl needs something.

I am getting ready to go to DC and do a documentary and , and its like wow all the things that I am going through, if things were handled so very differently back then things would be different for me today. It's about fighting , but not fighting myself anymore but fighting back against the things that shouldn't have happened. Standing up for the things that should be, and that is easier said than done for myself. I will never stop fighting for others. This April its different. I am just going to try and breathe.  Keep my head above water. In this storm, this month I want others to be aware of the things that people like me face and believe me if it were as easy as flipping a light switch  every single survivor would;it is just not that easy.  I am asking that this April be aware of your own attitudes and beliefs.  And every thought that you have about how we should get "OVER" things we have had a million more than that and we are really truly trying, I promise.  

 

I heart your heart.