So how am I ??

Yea that is a pretty good question. And one that I don't have a clue how to answer. My counselor has cancelled the last two weeks in a row and I am not even thinking about checking to see if he will be able to see me this week because I am scared that he won't. I reached out needing some positive, wanting someone to understand and was asked if I was thinking about others feelings, when that's all I think about is other peoples feelings. I am not sure that there are truly people on my side lately. Even today there is some women's luncheon at church, and I said well maybe and she said I want to meet new people, and looked at me and was like well I know you don't. And I laugh and I don't say a word but part of me is crushed. It's not that I don't want to meet women it's that I don't have anything in common, I am not proud of where I am right now. What do I say oh I am an almost 40 year old sexual abuse survivor going to be doing a documentary that has graduated college but is working as an aid in a classroom living on food stamps and living in someone else's house!?! And oh yea I am really struggling with the whole God thing, there is so much too understand. And oh yea I am a single mom, with twins and please don't ask me where their father is, that's a whole can of worms you just don't want to know!! Yea what in the world am I supposed to share and contribute! Please tell me, I am dying for people to be in my life and I don't seem to have the best luck, not many want to stick around. And what exactly am I supposed to share with people?

Right now I am not sure that I am up for letting anyone in, and being hurt. I know it's a fact of life, needing people, sometimes being hurt; but right now there is nothing left of me to risk, and that has to be understood, or I guess that it doesn't. It is just exactly where I am.

I think that I have understood lately that I kind of do want easy. I always say I don't want things handed to me on a silver platter, I still absolutely expect to work hard really hard for the things that I want but a little easy YES, please. I have had a pretty shitty life up to a few years ago, and I am tired and I want some easy. Because yes, it often feels like I am drowning, ad yes it's been that way for some time. And yes, I am soooo very sorry.

I am more than thankful for the blessings that I have been given this past two years. And when things get rough in no way am I doubting or am not grateful for the things I have been given that isn't it at all. Its just that I am tired, more than tired I am exhausted and I want others to check on me, see how I am, I want others to hear me, acknowledge that I am there, and not just when they need something.

I am working so very hard and trying to do it all, and I am a pulled rubber band, that is warring very thin. And I have said no I am not doing ok, I am exhausted and overwhelmed and still nothing. So what does a person do? You keep going and keep your fingers crossed for a little easy.

I heart your heart.