Always left out

You know I really don't understand this. I have been brave and asked a few people what is wrong with me, why am I the one always left out ? What is it about me?  I get responses like well everyone likes you, people light up when they talk about you, people think nothing but good things about you. Well that's fabulous but words and actions don't match and its painful.  I completely understand part of it is me, I know that I isolate, I know I don't make it easy, people don't see me; I am always left out. I am not included I am not asked, and even Super Bowl Sunday I invited myself somewhere, that is how incredibly desperate that I am. And all I can say is that it hurts my heart.  I am tired of people coming in then leaving, because I am spent if you don't plan on staying then don't bother coming in at all because I can't do this anymore.  I do not have people in my everyday, people that are there that care to listen that understand that hold my hand, I don't have that and I don't know what to do.  I am so sad, my heart hurts and I don't have people. I just have to keep going keep it all together because that is what I have always done.  I ask , tell people whats going on and still nothing and I am sorry that I am not the fun friend, sorry that I can't share in the same things that you do. I can't share those things because I don't have a clue, my life has been different, different in so many ways.  Someday someway I just  do not want to be  left out, and ignored and  have others pretend that I don't exist.  Sorry that I may need more, sorry that at times I am fragile but I give back all that I have, and that is sill not enough.  People say that people are not meant to be alone, maybe some of us are.  Maybe I am one of them.  I try and try to explain it to people; try and try to understand but its not happening and I don't have words anymore. I just need someone.

 

 

 

I just really wish that I knew what was wrong with me, there must be something terribly wrong or I would be seen I would be acknowledged and I would matter.

I heat your heart