Church

Church is very difficult.  I know that it is more than the building, its more than the people; its a lot more; it's a lot more than I can even understand but I am trying.  And I am struggling.  I have gained friends because of church, I have lost lots of people in the  church.  I have lost even more because I ask too many questions, and don't fit into their little box.  I don't follow the "in" women that everyone loves.  And the one group that I did belong to on face book, I took myself out of the group. I just couldn't do it.  Don't tell me how you want to help others, reach others when there is someone in front of you begging to understand and yet you look the other way.  I can not be a part of that.

I struggle to believe in god, I mean I do, I truly do. Things have happened that don't  have any other explanation at all.  SO do I believe in God, YES, well I really really want to and its really really hard.  I do enjoy the church that I go too.  I love going to service, I really do get a lot out of it but still there is something missing ?

Is it something in me?  Something with the church, I just do not know,and its more than frustrating.  I want it to make sense, I want to belong there, I want it to work and I am just not sure. I have more doubt that you could imagine, and about as little faith as a person could possibly have.

I did grow up in the church but it never meant anything to me. All I saw were people who said one thing and did something else. People that were hurtful and judgemental and mean. Some of the worst people I ever met were all part of the church.  I can promise you there was a lot of damage done in the church that I grew up in, which lead to many hurt souls.  And I don't know where to go from here.  I have gone from no church, to everything perfect for me church to fighting my way back to anything church.

We all know I am different, I see things different, I experience things different, plain and simple I am different and I need a different kind of church.  A church that doesn't want to put me in a box, a church that does things different.  A church that knows I am different but accepts me anyway. I am not at all about the traditional church, I need something else. I need a church that can reach those people those kind of people like me.

People are saying the right things; something is missing. I feel like I make people nervous nervous. There is a connection that I crave, that I am just not finding. I serve in the children's ministry which I love, its truly perfect.  But I also feel like the pastor doesn't quite know what to do with me, and I don't quite know how to tell him either.  I don't want to make him uncomfortable but the normal answers that might work for others just don't work for me.  I am desperately trying to get him to understand, but I fear it's not working.  And I am getting further and further away.

I am trying to figure out what I want what I need and I am coming up with even more questions and not many answers.  I need something different, I crave something that I haven't quite found yet. I need a place that will reach for me, yes that is what I am looking for.  Even on my darkest days they will reach, and I can hold on. 

I heart your heart.