Meant To Be

After these last few weeks that were exceptionally hard I am trying to recover my heart, trying to remember to breathe to let my heart beat easy. I am carrying a lighter load then ever but still there are times its crushing and that was these last few weeks. As sure as I am trying; I know that these are the things that were Meant to be. I was meant to be a mom, I was meant to be a teacher and I was even meant to be here in Plano. And dare I say it, I think I just might belong at Gateway. And I can tell you without question that I don't understand any of this. I don't understand the hurt and the pain, I don't understand this crazy journey of mine at all.....but things will work out for the sheer fact that they have too.

For me to be a mom is one of the biggest gifts. Oh I love them more than my own life. If it wasn't for that day, I wouldn't have them, they wouldn't be Vincent and Mariska and that would be terribly sad. Oh they have the most amazing hearts and they are going to do great things. They love with all that they have. Their kindness to others, to the picked on, to the defenceless, to the smallest of the small is incredible. They are going to go way beyond anything that I have ever done and I get to guide them in this world. They know with out a doubt that I love them with my whole heart , I love them and will keep them safe and sound. I get frustrated because of the burdens that they have to bare but I have to hope and pray that we will always be open and that they will share their heart and I can be honest and true and let the love I have guide me to the answers to ease their heart. People say I could have made a different choice that many women would have but for me, this was one of those things in life that wasn't a choice. I was meant to be a mom, to be their mom and the three of us make quite a team. I understand that they long for a father, and they are making that very known lately, I hope that with time, a kind gentle man can come into their lives and be that strong support that they need. When that time comes I have to know that they will be safe and that this man won't harm them but will care for their heart and keep them safe like nothing I have known. Safety is big, where I had none. I worry about them at school, when they ride their bike, when they are not with me. I will not fail too notice and I have to trust that there are others in this world that will also notice and act. They are growing up, I can not believe that they are already 10 years old. They have questions about my life, that they are trying o understand. There are times there is a gentleness in them asking questions about my life, to have my life is one thing but for it to affect your children is something different. Somehow, someway this is all going to turn into something amazing.

To be a teacher. Oh being a teacher is in my bones. I am so alive when I am in the classroom. I do not understand why I do not have my own class yet, but I know that big things are coming; I know that because they have too. Even being in a Music class these next few weeks, with no lessons no materials no admin support I am making it work, and it has been amazing. I love greeting those little faces each class, and seeing them, and not just looking at them but I see them and that makes a difference. I may have some opportunities to speak that I would not have if I were already in a classroom. There are ways that my story can help, and I have to do that. To get to share my views as a victim and get others to understand their power and how they can help, that is important, that is life changing. To speak with Law Enforcement, and professionals who deal with people like me ALL THE TIME, letting them know how they can make a difference, that would be powerful and life changing. I am ready to stand on the mountaintop, and say my truth. My story comes into play ALL THE TIME, it just does and instead of counting that against me, maybe I need to start seeing it a little different. Maybe this year is my opportunity for that. I know that the perfect Job is out there for me, and I will keep sending my resume out, keep emailing, not caring if I am being a pest or not. I was meant to teach, I was meant to notice little hearts. The place where I can do the most good just hasn’t opened up for me yet. Please don't take that as I am waiting I will take almost anything while I am waiting but I know there is that perfect place where I fit where I will be at home. I admit that it has been discouraging going on interviews second interviews then hearing nothing. When I am ignored by administration But then I hear other teachers tell me that I am good, that I should be in the classroom, that the kids enjoy me as their teacher and I know that I have to listen to my heart on this one. I was meant to teach, I was meant to make a difference. And that is exactly where I am headed.

To be in Plano. This just might be the biggest gift that I have ever received, in about a week; it will have been a year since I moved here. I sometimes feel like a leech, as if I am not productive enough, not working hard enough, I worry that I am in the way. Nevertheless, I have to say, I have never felt more at home. You know that feeling when things are comfortable, when you are wanted when you are cared for, I have that in Plano. There isn't even a word for just how grateful that I am. My heart has been heard, my heart is usually listened too. I have room to heal here in the last year, and of coarse, there is more to do, but the fact that it was even possible is a blessing. There is lots of laughing, lots of shaking out heads, lots of rearranging, and so much love. Truman has Vincent and Mariska and they have him. Vincent and Mariska are going to a school that they love, where they fit right in, and are getting opportunities that I could never have imagined. I am cared for here, as I have never been cared for. I m supported like I have never known and its amazing. I worry that I am a bother and that comes from me, from what I have experienced in the past, but today, I have to sit in the fact that being taken care of is something that is ok for right now. I want to do it all on my own, more than you can imagine and the fact is that right now that isn't an option. I am doing all that I can and getting stronger and my day is coming. The people that I have met, the things that I have gotten to experience here have made life-changing differences for me, and that is something miraculous. Being here in Plano is my miracle. I hope that maybe in some small way I might be helping, giving back oh how I hope.

And then there is Gateway. I don't know for sure, if this is where I am supposed to be but then at the same time I do. People said oh just go try different churches, check them out. That just is not me. I have stepped out of the box many times over this past year. I have gotten way out of my comfort zone and grown a lot. However, there are still areas that I guard my heart with walls and barbed wire. And Church is one of those things. Church is complicated for me, and it’s tangled in so much of how I grew up. I have done lots of unraveling to a place where I believe in God with my whole heart but there is lot of unraveling left to do. I had the chance to speak with Pastor Blake this week and he is kind, and caring and all the things that I am looking for. He called my children precious and that meant the world. He shares from his heart and is genuine. He does not pretend to know all the answers but will show you how to make sense out of the senseless. I am not ready to call this place my home yet. It is not like when I went to the corners but I a not in the same place either; I need different things now than I did then. I want so much for this church to understand my questions and know that I am going to need a lot of patience and tons of kindness. My doubt is not that I don't believe my doubt is that ...well that is it I don't even know. I want to have faith and believe and maybe jut maybe this is a place where it can grow and flourish. There was so much to say in my meeting with him and I am sure I sounded crazy. I was nervous and wanted to run, but I did not. My children fit there and that is important. We all know that I am not the joiner and that this is more than difficult for me, I am terrified and even going this morning, I am terrified. But I need to find out if this is my home, and exactly where I am meant to be. All these things are the hope that things are getting better, that things happen for a reason and that I will be ok, truly truly.

I heart your heart.

It's not fair

 

 

You know it just isn't fair.  I am not that kind of person I am not one to say why me in fact its usually the opposite most of the time but today the only thing that fits, the only words that I can find right now is : LIFE IS NOT FAIR. Its not right that today hurts so much. Its not right that my joy as a child was taken Its not right that I have to tell them why there is no father. It is not fair that I have been used since the time that I was five it is not fair that my children don't have a father.  Its not fair that the only people who love me are far away its not fair, that I don't have people to hold my hand through the pain.  Its not fair that I  can't get a peaceful sleep, its not fair that I was hurt over and over and over. Its not fair that I see the pictures of what happened to me over and over and that's when my eyes are open.  Its not fair that I feel what happened to me in my bones.  Its not fair that sometimes I can't take a shower because of the flashbacks.  Its not fair that I have to hurt like this. Its not fair that I don't know what its like to be normal.  Its not fair, the life that I have been dealt is not fair and it hurts, it hurts like hell.  Its not fair that I am so on my own, that people don't stay around that people can't handle the life that I have to live every single day.  ITS NOT FAIR. ITS just not.  Its not fair that my children are going to have to find out what happened to me its not fair that their little hearts are going to have to deal with that.  Its not fair ....this life of mine.....Its just not fair!  My heart is so hurt and I have healed and will keep healing and I am grateful for the people that have walked with me along the way, but this hurts.  There is no hurt like this, its inexplainable really, there are no words no sounds its a haunting screech if it had a sound.  And this crazy thing called life, I love it.  I love hearing people laugh, I love how people love. I love the innocence of children and how they experience the world.  I love giving and I love nature, and the trees and the whales and with all that my life it's still not fair.  My heart has been treated unfairly my whole entire life and ITS NOT RIGHT ITS NOT FAIR.....there are no words to make it better, no band-aid that is big enough ......its not fair that I have to do life on my own....Its not fair that people don't know what to do with me so they do nothing at all....Its not fair that I am such an outcast and always have been.  It's not fair that i have to fight, have to fight for everything.  And you want people to be happy but sometimes it seems that everyone's life is moving forward and you would just like someone to sit with you in yours; even if its for a few minutes.  I just don't want to do this alone, I need people to hear me and to understand and to make a difference.  My life just isn't at all fair.....And this is so not me, I don't sit around saying oh poor me life isn't fair but today that is all I have.  I am so grateful for the things I have and I am sad how I have been treated in this lifetime, I am sad that no one sees no one notices and I am left.  I am one of those people, for whatever reason was chosen for this life here and no and no matter how I look at it, its not fair for anyone person to carry all of this burden.  I am sure that I will keep fighting, I am sure I will keep trying, I am sure I will keep healing.  But None of it IS FAIR....... , I want to curl up and make it go away, the sadness is too much I don't want to fight anymore  Tomorrow will be better and I will be back to fighting but not today

Precious

This year, this day seems to be hitting me harder than normal. I don't know why its hitting me so hard it just is, and I want to scream at the world to stop for just a little while. I need a break, I want to crawl in a hole until it blows over and I can come out free and whole. The kids are getting older and asking questions, I am sure that’s part of it. I think its a lot of little things that have added up, and its hard. This year its more about me. Because I know that Vincent and Mariska are taken care of. Their little hearts are cared for and they don't have every want but they know that I love them with out a doubt. I know that the time is coming for the focus to be on them and to make sure that their questions are answered and their heart is cared for. Right now, this day I am worried about mine. Its not fine and it definitely is not ok. My heart ; its heavy and broken and sorrowful.

I have really been enjoying my children, the little things that make them who they are things they love, things they do, their little mannerisms that make me smile. And I think the part that breaks my heart is that the crime that was committed gave me my two biggest blessings. And trying to find rhyme or reason to that is futile. I can ask questions all day long and there will be no answers. I have said a million times a million I would do it all again to have my children. My children are absolutely the biggest blessings ever in my life. I don't want it to seem that I am not grateful for them each and every day. What bothers me is their kind tender little souls will someday have to learn about the evil that happened to their mom. That is the hard part, and they were a result of that evil .....that is gut wrenching, that is unthinkable. Its easy for me to separate them from that day. It happened, and I tried to gather all the broken pieces, for two weeks. I cried and just couldn't understand why again, what was wrong with me?!? Then after two weeks and feeling like I had the flu, oh I was so sick and a girl at work laughed and said girl you are pregnant. That thought never crossed my mind.....So I took the test and I waited and I saw two pink lines and I was in shock, and I laid on the floor and cried with my dog Rizzo. I knew that nothing would ever be the same. In these moments, things changed, I swept the broken pieces under the rug, because I was going to be a mom. In that instant nothing else mattered, absolutely nothing. They are my most amazing children that bring me joy, bring me life, bring me peace that I never thought I would have.

But this day before they were even in the picture, before they were conceived is the part that kills me, that tears at my soul, the day that I wanted to be normal that I wasn't listened too and I was assaulted. The part where the broken pieces are, the ones that I swept under the rug about what happened to me, those are the pieces that tear at my heart. I don't even have the words to how difficult this is, its unthinkable, heart wrenching, terribly sad that I had to experience that day, that Charles took what wasn't his to take. Its hard to acknowledge the pain, when I have these two most amazing people in my life because of that pain. As wonderful as they are and all the happiness that they bring, there is a sadness, and that is the part that I want to understand. Without that crime, with out those pieces I wouldn't be the person that I am today. There are no nice neat boxes for dealing with something like this, and oh how I wish that there were. But its messy, its scary, and makes you realize just how fragile that life is. One moment I was being raped, the next I was becoming a mother.

There was a time when I wanted my children to think that he wasn't a bad guy, he wasn't evil he just didn't listen to me. And as I began to look more closely, it was so much more, he knew what he was doing, I believe that when he came to my house he knew what he was going to do. He never had any plans to take me shopping. And oh that’s all I wanted, I remember taking a shower being excited wondering where we were going to go, I believed that I was going to help him, I believed that I was going to spend the day with a good guy. I was going to laugh and help, and pick out clothes for his trip to Afghanistan. He had a good job he worked at Raytheon in McKinney, and was doing some contract work. I mean really why in the world, would he want me to go shopping with him?!?! But then that thought never crossed my mind, I was going to be normal and in that, I turned off all reason, ignored every red flag, and was like that little girl getting ready for a date. I get angry at myself, I can remember the excitement that I felt that morning. Think of a first date, I have never had one but I imagine this is what it would be like, I was that excited. He was late, said that he got lost. I said that was ok, he smelled of cologne and smoke.. He was tall so much taller than me, I think I gave him a hug, there was a stiffness to him, not kind, he had intentions that I knew nothing about, I was ready to go, he was not. And how we ended up in my room, I don't know. I remember talking about a mobile of birds that I had above my door, it is said that it kept evil spirits and bad men away. I guess not.....mine must have been broken.

My mind was on overload, I know that I wanted to go shopping but things didn't seem to be going that way, I can remember feeling scared and I ignored it. I think there was a piece of my heart that knew, and I just didn't want it to be true... I wanted normal, not rape. I wanted shopping, and laughing that is what I wanted. I tried so hard to believe that, it never happened. He went through the motions and I don't even know . He knew exactly what he wanted, exactly what he was doing. The more I pleaded, the more he ignored, and the moment it changed and the moment I gave up was when that orange pillow fell on my face, because I knew what was going to happen, I knew what I was good for. That was the moment, the moment when you can't believe what is happening, what is being taken and your body is there, but your soul can't be there, can't understand what/why/ how is this happening and that moment is the most helpless, terrible moment because there is absolutely nothing that you can do. Its totally completely shattering. That is the part that I hold in my hands, today, 11 years later, those broken, shattered and  slivered pieces.  I am more than trying to make them all fit back together into something that is precious, and pretty again. That is where I am today. Loving my children and all that they are but sad for the things that tear at my heart, that morning when all I wanted was normal.

 

I heart your heart.

11 years, 574 weeks ,4015 days AGO....

Hard to believe that it has been 11 years since that day. Some days it seems so very far away some days it feels like it was yesterday. And the times when Vincent starts asking questions makes it feel like one of the biggest mountains that I will ever have to face.  My sweet Vincent and Mariska turned 10 this year and I can not believe it. They are growing into these amazing humans that I am sure are going to do great things. And with all that I am I wish that I could just cut this day out of every book every story every truth and have it be something that they never have to understand. They are getting older and I am sure the time is coming, this year when they are going to need answers. They are going to need an explanation, they are going to have to know and I will make it age appropriate. I will only answer what they ask, and each question will break my heart for theirs. I am incredibly sorry that this is something that they even have to think about worry about and deal with. I want them to understand just how important that they are and regardless of what happened to me, I was joyous when I found out that I was going to be their mom. I smiled through the entire pregnancy including the morning sickness morning , noon and night. Including being so huge I couldn’t walk around the grocery store. I cried at the thought of getting to be their mom and keep them safe and protected all the days of their lives. I would listen to the heart monitor and smile listening to those little hearts beat away. I read to them and talked to them all the time every day. Mariska would be awake every morning around 3 am and I would fix the pillow and pat my huge belly talking to her , telling her how excited that I was to meet her, and tell her all the things that I wanted for her. Vincent loved when I would take a bath, he moved all over the place , it was more than a little crowded in there and I can remember a few times seeing his little legs travel from one side of my belly to the other and I thought it was the coolest most amazing thing I had ever seen. Those are the things that I want my children to remember those are the stories that I want to tell them about and remember when we talk about that time. But there is also a time to tell the truth, and for them I know that time is coming. I don’t know how its going to go yet. I don’t know how the words are going to form and even come out of my mouth. How does a mother that loves her children more than life tell them how they were conceived ? How does a mother whose children made her the person that she is today tell them that she was raped? And I DO NOT HAVE A CLUE. I do not know how those words are going to leave my lips and I am beyond terrified. Sometimes in my head I think about the love story that I would like to share with them, I think of others who are parents and the love story that they have and for me its nothing even close to those and it makes me sad. I want that kind of story for them, I want them to have that story in their head, and its not an option. I can be honest, show them my heart and pray that they can know and understand the love that I have had for them since the moment I found out I was pregnant. I don’t think any amount of preparation will ever be enough. Nothing can possibly get a person ready for this kind of truth. For me having to speak it and them having to hear it and understand it, is something unimaginable. I think for them its going to be a lifelong process as they understand more, as their questions change, as they mature and want to understand. Its going to be a life long process for the three of us, but I hope and pray that I can help their hearts understand how loved and how amazing that they truly are. I want their little hearts to know that I am fine and am more than grateful for the gift that I received by getting to be their mom. But the questions are coming. Vincent heard someone talking about height and how you take the moms and the dads height and you can figure out the child's height. Vincent got quiet and later asked “Well mom, I don’t have a dad how will we figure out my height ?” And literally it broke my heart, I told him that I am sure he would be taller then me, look how tall that he already was. The answer fit for the moment and he is so unaware of the seriousness of the things that he asks. They have had the puberty talk and how that all works. Next will come the sex talk and pieces will begin to come together and I am scared. I just want them to understand, I want to do it right and in a way that protects their little hearts s much as I possibly can. The most difficult part is knowing that hurt is going to be involved. The feeling little hearts that they have are going to hurt and I think that’s the worst part, the part that I dread the most and I just have to be strong to handle that and help with whatever their heart might need. I am afraid and hope that at the right time I will have not the right answers but the gentle answers to help them understand.

My heart on the other hand is something different. My heart is still sad and confused and scared and wants to understand why WHY? WHY WHY ? I still beat myself up about that day. All the things that I should have known. All the red flags and still the need to be normal do normal things was so overwhelming that I turned my senses off. I never even really talked about him until maybe 4 years ago. And something came up about Charles and I can see it as clear as anything…..He said “did he rape you” and I didn’t know how to answer. I had been raped since I was 5, I should be able to answer that and I couldn’t. I couldn’t acknowledge it. I knew what happened and I couldn’t answer the question. In my head I was a slut that I asked for it. Because I wanted to be normal go out to lunch help him shop for his up coming trip. Was I raped ? Yes, Charles raped me, but In my head I was a slut, I should have known that he had no intention of going shopping. He knew what he was going to do when he showed up at my door. My pleas and asking him to stop didn’t matter because I should have seen it coming, I should have known and I didn’t and I was the one that ended up hurt. Before that day in that room I never acknowledged it was rape for a single second. In my head I was a slut and he just didn’t listen when I kept saying over and over but we are supposed to go shopping ? Please stop, we are supposed to go shopping. And since I had the life that I did, when the pillow fell on my face, the panic set in and I knew he was going to get what he wanted and I went away. I went away in my head and waited for him to be done. There was no violence, and I say that and cringe, he didn’t listen to me, I said no, told him to stop and he didn’t listen. I wanted so much to be normal, just be a part of something regular normal everyday and once again look where it got me. He was done and got dressed, I remember him putting his sandals back on, and he walked to the door. I put my shirt on and walked to the door and he made some comment about his beautiful shiny BMW, I was a wreck. He left drove away and I cried myself to sleep in my bed. I couldn’t understand, I didn’t want this to happen I wanted to be regular to be normal to do regular things like lunch and shopping…..Nothing in my mind included rape …..I was so naive so very very naive and I should have known. This is the part that breaks my own heart that I wanted to fit in and be so normal that I shut off everything I knew and I paid the price. People have made the most awful comments and made the things I tell myself stick. Like the counselor who said well you made the bed now lie in it, the guy that my mom knew at the bank who made the comment that I should have kept my legs closed, and he was a preacher in a church. The Dr who was amazing when I told him the date that I got pregnant, he thought I was crazy that I couldn’t have known the date. I never told him why or that it was a date that I would never be able to forget. I had someone tell me that I got pregnant on purpose, that was crushing. My heart is just so heavy because it doesn’t just affect me, its my children, the pieces of my heart that are out living in the world have to understand this. This is a rape that affects everything for ever and I hate that. And as much as I hate it there is nothing I can do about it. I do not know what I am going to do this month on that date. Its next week and I am scared.  If I have a job by then I will be decorating my room and celebrating, taking that quiet moment trying to be ok. If I don’t yet have a job I will just try to be in the moment and take each second as it comes. I am going to try and give my heart some breathing room, maybe let someone know that I don’t want to be alone, pretend that I am fine. The day is next week and my heart is heavy, my head hurts.  On the day next week I will celebrate my children and be grateful.  I have pretended a really long time that everything is ok, and today its not ok its just not. My heart Its breaking, its broken its in pieces and tomorrow I will be ok, the day after I will be ok. But the day that it happened that I wasn’t listened to that I was ignored that I was raped all those 11 years ago I am sad, so very sad and also so very grateful that I got the most amazing precious gift. My children.

 

 

 I heart your heart.

When you don't know the little things or the big things

Once again I watched Captain Phillips and cried and those last few minutes are something so close to my heart that I can understand.  Those few minutes when he realizes that he is safe, its more than powerful.  That for me is indescribable  in those moments after the worst attacks there are no words, I would not have even been able to speak. I think about the time with my father that I couldn't stop crying, there were no words, I wanted to speak but I couldn't the shock, the fear, the pain it was all too overwhelming. Then I think about the gang rape, No words I just tried to fix the fringe if I could just do that everything would be fine make everything like it was 18 hours before then all would be well. And then I think about being in the police station when I pressed charges and I was asked what my address was growing up and I couldn't tell you. All that happened in that house the years and years that I lived there and I could not remember the address. My detective was amazing, kept reassuring me that it was ok but ... for me it wasn't ok....

It wasn't . It wasn't ok and nothing that I had ever experienced was ok. My heart is broken and I couldn't even remember the simple things and people expected me to cry and carry on and give them details!!!! I didn't have the words ....and no one wanted to truly hear them anyway. Today there are still times that I don't have any words, and I don't understand after all this time

H does a girl of 5, 8 13, 28 do that ? This was my life. This was my life.

Its crazy that even sometimes being an adult I will get asked a question and I know the answer I know the words but in my head there is a silence, there is some golden rule that keeps a person quite that somehow puts a lock and key on my lips that keeps the words from coming out and that is if there are words. Often there are no words its silence and pictures and memories. Oh the memories, at any given day there are lots of them sometimes my father, sometimes, Albert , most of the time its Don and them. And that is all when my eyes are open, it gets worse when they are closed.

I am not kind to myself. I am angry that my heart still hurts angry that i can't just get over it. Angry that it is taking me so long to heal, that I still see the pictures of the things that have happened. I am angry at God, Angry at the people around me who ignored, angry that even though I didn't speak no one noticed either. I am angry that I can't do this on my own, that I need others to walk with me and help me along.

Even living in this most amazing house, I feel like a leech and I don't understand why I am not getting calls for jobs. I am doing the right things. I don't understand why I am not yet employed. I feel like there is always something with me and I can't catch my breath. I don't have words for most of my life, it is beyond understanding and I get glimpses of good things and I would like for them to last. I don't want easy I want doable. I do the work I just need the chance. Some pieces are falling into place and just a few more things will be better, I will feel like a productive member of society.

Sorry this one is a bunch of random that is everything in my head....there are so many things heavy  on my mind; I am absolutely exhausted. There is little sleep lots of nightmares when I do sleep, and the worry that I am being a pest, that I am a leech and not doing the things that I need to do. People are talking about redoing their kitchen and I feel like I am in he way. I feel like I am always fighting, and I am so tired. I want my own class. And not fifth grade. I would do it, I would be good I would care for their hearts, but I can tell you it would take a toll on mine. Fifth grade was incredibly hard and being around that everyday would be really hard again I would be fine, but it would take its toll, a huge toll. It would take a toll hat I am sure people would not understand, I know that fifth grade is not the place for me.

I feel like there is so much that I don't know right now. The little things, the big things I don't know. I don't even have a clue what’s next but one foot in front of the other I am trying to believe that everything happens for a reason and I don't have a clue what that is, but I hope that soon really soon it will get a little clearer. And soon maybe, hopefully sooner than later I will have a clue and move forward.  I need a place to call my own, a place  to be proud of and full of all my beautiful things, soon.  A place for my family to have people over a place that makes my heart happy that I can provide . I am doing the right things I just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other, in front of the other, and good things will happen. It has too.

Fine

 

So I found this poem that I had written in my art journals.  Its not mine, and I think it was written by some guy named Stevie Smith. Anyway here it is. It made me cry and I haven't been doing a lot of that lately. SHOCKER, I know.

Nobody heard him, The dead man

But still he lay moaning.

I was much further out than you thought, and

not waving but drowning.

I was much too far out all my life,

And not waving but drowning.

Yes that right there, that is pretty powerful. I always say fine. If you ask how I am I say I am fine. Whether I am or not, that is my response, I have learned from experience people don't really want to hear if you are good or not. They may ask but people genuinely do not want to hear the answer. Sure not a problem that is fine. Ha get it that’s fine only its not really fine at all. And probably about as far from fine as it gets. Well at least for me. I say fine because nine times out of ten there is absolutely nothing that you can do my heart hurts and I just have to deal with it, I just need patience and time. But on that tenth time when I am not ok, those are the big ones because if you can see with your own eyes that fine really isn't what is happening then its time for back up. I say fine because how can I explain the things that are happening in my heart. I can't, so I say that I am fine. Do not take my fine to mean that everything is fine and I don't need a thing. People think I am waving, I promise that I am not. People do that all the time in the world. They ask in passing not caring to find out and that’s ok we can't be everyone’s best friend, something I heard that I will never ever forget. We do it as a courtesy, for something to say, and as a courtesy for something to say I say fine and smile. We all do it. For some things are not so fine and are crumbling inside.

With the job in Plainview and not understanding what I was supposed to do and what the right answers are, I got a lot of people telling me that I was fine, that I would be fine that things were fine and it was more than frustrating. BECAUSE That is the problem, I am always fine even in those moments when I am not. I know its confusing and frustrating believe me I live it. But I was getting so frustrated , I was voicing my concerns and the things that I was worried about and because I am always fine, their answer was oh "you will do fine there". And I would, I would be fine, I would love my job and my class of kids and I would do an amazing job but my heart would not have been so fine there, for that I know for sure. Such a bind sure I would be fine, I would survive, but there would be no room to thrive.

SO my entire life, I just did what I had to do I survived everything. And sure I paid the price, but personally, my heart paid the price and I don't want to pay that price anymore because its taking its toll. I am really good a lot of the time but there are days that I am not and I can't keep pretending that I am fine. I have survived everything but its time to move from surviving to thriving. I want to be be not just fine, I want to be good even great and I want to thrive and enjoy and grow in the good things. And I am doing that, I truly am, but there are rough days really rough days and I am working on it all and doing life the best way that I know how.

Survive to thrive. Survive to thrive. YES !! This.

Yes, that is exactly what I want. And its true those are the things that I am going to have to keep working on, because I can tell you it takes a whole heck of a lot of work, pain, tears guts strength and courage to be able to do that. And I do it every single day. Some days better than others but I DO IT. Sometime its not pretty not fun, but I keep going and maybe I need to give myself a little slack, just a little, When you see fine, I am shaking in my bones. So if I wave; wave say hello, and walk the other way but don't assume that I am fine, I am just waving.
 

 

You don't know what you don't know Callahan.

 

 

 

 

So little Callahan , I am really not sure where to start . I keep you so far away and I know that you are just dying to be loved, to be noticed to be cared for and that scares me so very much. I don’t know how to love you and your hurt little heart. I am more than sorry for all the things that you have had to experience. For the things that you have had to live through , no little girl should know those things. I am so so so sorry, that you were not kept safe that you were not special that you were hated so much, even by me and not one person stepped up to take care of you. You were so little and I wanted you to be bigger to fight to make them stop. I wanted you to be innocent and not know what he wanted you to do, I know somewhere along the way he taught you what was expected, but you just wanted people to be happy, you just wanted him to be done so you could clean up and try to be ok. With Bob I wanted you to say something, I wanted you to hate him as much as I do. I can’t even explain how very sorry that I am you never got to be a little girl do little girl things, have little girl dreams you always had to think and predict what was coming next. You were so brave, so strong, and I fear that loving you I am not brave enough or strong enough to feel the things that you had to experience. You are this sad damaged little soul that is in pieces, that I see crying in the corner and its terrifying. There have been times that I have let you even a little close and it was more than difficult, your so hurt, are so sad and I fear that its too much for me to bare. The thing I hate the most being alone is exactly what you are, I don’t want to do that to you. That is what has been done your entire life……I don’t know how to love that little you, care for you give you what you need, you need oh so much. Your little heart is so tired, I know that, Your so helpless, so vulnerable and I want you to be so much older than you are , I want you to think things through as a woman not a little girl. I am scared to feel for you that it would shatter my already broken heart. I am not sure that I can handle the pain and sadness that you carry, and at the same time I know that you shouldn’t have to do it alone. I don’t understand you I don’t understand how strong that you were that you did everything he wanted and I know there were nights that were exceptionally bad but you always made it you survived, you cleaned up and not once did that spirit in you go away. You always had a kindness that was unbelievable to others to animals even to the people that were so terrible to you. Oh you would try so hard to make him happy you hated what he was doing but if that was what it was going to take to make him love you …..for that I am so sorry so sorry that you didn’t have a kind gentle dad that cared for your precious heart…..You fought in your little mind, you did what you could. You were so tired all the time, trying to sleep on top of the covers thinking that maybe if the bed was perfect then he wouldn’t hurt you. You were so excited picking out a shirt, it was a game to him. You were older, picking out those shirts, he made you hate yourself, your body your girlness. He made you hate being a girl . I am sorry that he hurt your heart I am sorry that he hurt your little body, that he didn’t care that you were just a little girl. I am so sorry. I am really and honestly going to try not to hate you. I know that you were 5 so little and I wanted you to fight to make him stop, to go away. You told mom in the car once that you wished it was just you and her after dropping him off at the airport and she smiled and said we were a family. I don’t understand all the things that have happened to us, I don’t understand why life has been so hard, why so many people have looked the other way. And I am sorry that I have done the same things to you that I hate in others, ignoring blaming, hating I just don’t know how to love you, I don’t have a clue, and I am scared that I today at 39 won’t be able to handle it, that I won’t be able to keep everything together that I won’t be able to keep smiling. And all of that from your own father that doesn’t even include Albert the monster that he was. I am sorry that you were so afraid that very first time. I am sorry that no one asked you why you were crying or if you needed anything. That kills me. You were so afraid, you couldn’t believe that someone else was hurting you. You were wearing that little sun dress, bare feet and all you wanted was to be a carefree little kid. You have always felt different as long as I can remember. You never belonged anywhere, you weren’t wanted, you were a bother to people and took attention from others that they didn’t want to give. So each hurt took a little more of your heart, crushed your soul a little more and you kept living. The rapes run into each other they were all the same time after time. The ones that stand out are the ones that were more violent. The ones when you couldn’t stop the tears and tried to push him away asking them to stop. The time with Albert driving in the van and he said that you should like this and you just stared out the window, hoping that he would be done soon. He said that you should like it, I understand that you didn’t that it hurt you. I am sorry you were sent with him sorry you had to be in that front seat. At the park, I am sorry that he killed your tadpoles, said such terrible things to you. I am sorry that he was never nice, never kind. It wasn’t your fault you couldn’t save them. I am sorry for the looks you got by him in church that somehow you were the one doing something wrong, you weren’t. I want to love you all that you have lived through all that you survived and I am so scared. Because I understand what they were doing I understand the evilness of what was happening and loving you brings the reality of the abuse and the rapes and all the assaults staring me right in the face and I am beyond terrified. I think its easier to hate you then I don’t have to confront reality. If it happened to you over there all by yourself, I can be sorry but I don’t have to feel it acknowledge that it was me, that I survived those things….

You know it just hurts, someone doing that to a little girl, I was so little what does a person get from that…raping a five year old, her body wasn’t made for that, her wobbly legs, her tiny hips its unthinkable its unreal how did you survive that. How did you pretend that everything was ok ? I don’t know how a little girl survives all that happened…..I don’t know …that life was hell…scared and alone all the time no one helped no one cared….

And the second that you try to be normal, you dance in front of all those people, you had an innocence you wanted someone to be kind to notice you and they did and you paid the price. You weren’t even old enough to be there…..I know that you just wanted to fit in…just wanted to be noticed but that got us hurt, things happened that I don’t even have words for, things happened that I can never unsee and if you weren’t showing off…..You knew what men were capable of why in the world did you want to be noticed ? Don all of them that is unimaginable….I am so very sorry….there are not enough sorryies for the things that you had to endure, and again you did it all you kept breathing, kept going to school you kept going and all I want to do is scream at the world to stop. I don’t know how you kept going, I know you were sad and affected , you were screaming inside for someone to notice. You scratched up your arms, bruised up your legs you tried to eat yourself ugly no one did a thing….then you couldn’t keep things quiet and you still were not believed because you always just handled everything. This was your life there was an acceptance, and you stopped fighting, I understand why you stopped fighting, but I hate you for not fighting, for not doing things different. The last time that Don came you just laid down….I understand you were scared, that you still hurt from the last time….you didn’t even try…..you gave up I hate you for that. You were this used abused wounded thing that just gave up….Bella gave you hope, she kept you going. You lived in this world where everything was going to be perfect, you were going to be a mom, make everything better. I don’t hate you for loosing her, I think you saved her from my father. I wish that we remembered more , things are so sketchy, who was at the hospital, who knew, blah blah all I remember is screaming at the Dr, at his words. His hand on my leg he said I am sorry you lost her and I didn’t want to live anymore. You were such a little girl how in the world were you supposed to handle that understand everything that it meant. There was no way, but I don’t understand why you don’t remember certain pieces. Now that you were older you had more understanding of what was going on what was happening and that frustrates me, because you still didn’t stand up for yourself. By then you were just a shell, a walking zombie, you came alive with whales again but so much damage had been done, you had been left so long….. I have looked at you some through the years and it makes me sad, you should have had things so different. I don’t know how to look at you and not see what was happening what you did, I just don’t know how And I am stuck between wishing things were different and knowing that nothing in this world I can do will give you all that you never had. You lost out on so many many things. You missed love and kindness and I give that all away today until I don’t have any left but I can’t ever give you enough for all that has happened. And we press charges trying to keep others safe, I know that testifying was unimaginable, and people pretended it was all over, it wasn’t even close. By the time that Charles got to you , you just wanted normal just like when you were 13, didn‘t you learn anything ? You just wanted to go shopping, inside there was nothing left. I know when that pillow fell on your face , it was all over. You were so far away He was going to get what he wanted…….and the yelling screaming in your head …..what …again….this is just what we are meant for….You talked to him on the internet, told him you would go shopping with him. So many red flags that you didn’t notice, why ? The words he said, how he talked why didn’t you know ??? You are smarter then that You knew what to do shut off your mind and go away. I know the exact moment when you went away. I know the words you said in your head I wonder if they were even heard. Then there is silence, there is a state when you have to accept what is happening and I hate that part, because there is absolutely nothing that you can do. Your heart was more than hurt no one noticing no one listening and in the end it was always your fault, people told you that over and over and you believed it, I believe there are times you were at fault and I am sorry. I am more than sorry, You have a few really good people around that aren’t running and who are here to help, we just have to let them and after all that’s been done that’s hard I know and I am more than sorry. SO VERY SORRY I am going to try, try to love you, try to see you as the little one that you were try not to see what was done but see you, just you. Its just beyond hard. I don’t understand you at all. I am sorry your heart hurts , I am praying for a miracle for us. 

 

I heart your heart.