Once again I watched Captain Phillips and cried and those last few minutes are something so close to my heart that I can understand. Those few minutes when he realizes that he is safe, its more than powerful. That for me is indescribable in those moments after the worst attacks there are no words, I would not have even been able to speak. I think about the time with my father that I couldn't stop crying, there were no words, I wanted to speak but I couldn't the shock, the fear, the pain it was all too overwhelming. Then I think about the gang rape, No words I just tried to fix the fringe if I could just do that everything would be fine make everything like it was 18 hours before then all would be well. And then I think about being in the police station when I pressed charges and I was asked what my address was growing up and I couldn't tell you. All that happened in that house the years and years that I lived there and I could not remember the address. My detective was amazing, kept reassuring me that it was ok but ... for me it wasn't ok....
It wasn't . It wasn't ok and nothing that I had ever experienced was ok. My heart is broken and I couldn't even remember the simple things and people expected me to cry and carry on and give them details!!!! I didn't have the words ....and no one wanted to truly hear them anyway. Today there are still times that I don't have any words, and I don't understand after all this time
H does a girl of 5, 8 13, 28 do that ? This was my life. This was my life.
Its crazy that even sometimes being an adult I will get asked a question and I know the answer I know the words but in my head there is a silence, there is some golden rule that keeps a person quite that somehow puts a lock and key on my lips that keeps the words from coming out and that is if there are words. Often there are no words its silence and pictures and memories. Oh the memories, at any given day there are lots of them sometimes my father, sometimes, Albert , most of the time its Don and them. And that is all when my eyes are open, it gets worse when they are closed.
I am not kind to myself. I am angry that my heart still hurts angry that i can't just get over it. Angry that it is taking me so long to heal, that I still see the pictures of the things that have happened. I am angry at God, Angry at the people around me who ignored, angry that even though I didn't speak no one noticed either. I am angry that I can't do this on my own, that I need others to walk with me and help me along.
Even living in this most amazing house, I feel like a leech and I don't understand why I am not getting calls for jobs. I am doing the right things. I don't understand why I am not yet employed. I feel like there is always something with me and I can't catch my breath. I don't have words for most of my life, it is beyond understanding and I get glimpses of good things and I would like for them to last. I don't want easy I want doable. I do the work I just need the chance. Some pieces are falling into place and just a few more things will be better, I will feel like a productive member of society.
Sorry this one is a bunch of random that is everything in my head....there are so many things heavy on my mind; I am absolutely exhausted. There is little sleep lots of nightmares when I do sleep, and the worry that I am being a pest, that I am a leech and not doing the things that I need to do. People are talking about redoing their kitchen and I feel like I am in he way. I feel like I am always fighting, and I am so tired. I want my own class. And not fifth grade. I would do it, I would be good I would care for their hearts, but I can tell you it would take a toll on mine. Fifth grade was incredibly hard and being around that everyday would be really hard again I would be fine, but it would take its toll, a huge toll. It would take a toll hat I am sure people would not understand, I know that fifth grade is not the place for me.
I feel like there is so much that I don't know right now. The little things, the big things I don't know. I don't even have a clue what’s next but one foot in front of the other I am trying to believe that everything happens for a reason and I don't have a clue what that is, but I hope that soon really soon it will get a little clearer. And soon maybe, hopefully sooner than later I will have a clue and move forward. I need a place to call my own, a place to be proud of and full of all my beautiful things, soon. A place for my family to have people over a place that makes my heart happy that I can provide . I am doing the right things I just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other, in front of the other, and good things will happen. It has too.
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