You know that when I don't even a title that things are rough . I am tired of fighting. Tired of needing, tired of the things that just are not going to work for me. The sadness in my heart I don't even have words for. And some things are working at least on the outside, some things are doable and yet others are not and I am more than tired. Everyone assumes I am fine, only I am not. I AM NOT FINE. So I found this quote and it is me, and people have no idea the sadness in my soul. And I need people more than anything. I need good people that are going to stay that will have coffee, that will help me hold my head above water when it feels as though I am drowning in the past. People that will come up behind me and be my support when I just can not do it on my own. I do everything on my own, I handle everything, I always put on a smile, things are fine. I need someone to be careful with my heart and help me hold the sadness. People don't see the sadness of my soul; of my heart and I want so much for people to understand. I want so much for people to be a little kinder, a little gentler, a little more thoughtful. In the scheme of things, there are little things that are just a little dig, with no purpose other than to pick at something and my heart needs no more picking. I hope it makes a person feel better, was it really worth it ? Did anything change or get accomplished nope, just my heart gets hurt. Am I sensitive, yes maybe too much yes but that is me. Should it probably not, yes but it does. It may not seem like a pick to them, but it is and my heart melts because I know, there is no care or concern there at all. There is never a reason to be unkind to anyone. And when there are so many things that are unkind that is something that nothing was going to change or come out differently so was there really a point other than to make yourself feel better ? NO.
I just have this happy personality
And a sad soul in one body.
It feels weird sometimes.
I am tired of explaining, wanting to explain myself so others will understand, it just isn't going to happen. And I think this is a poor me post, and I hate it but truly I want to curl up in a ball and cry, I want to give up on the world, and scream and throw a fit and through back all the things that my heart has taken for so many years. I put up with everything, let it roll off and I keep going. Its sometimes the stupid little things that are daggers. Sometimes not meant to be but still they are. And what is the point ? Does it make you feel better ?
Really its about compassion. You just never know what someone is dealing with on a daily basis. YOU NEVER KNOW. You may not understand and that is fine to but you must show me kindness and compassion because I am lacking and its going to take some catching up in this life of mine. Is it kind ? Is it thoughtful? Does it matter ? In five years from now, is it going to matter ? I am more than sorry I need lots of extra compassion, it is how I am built. And I am sure that i will apologize the rest of my life, but its just what I need. I am happy on the outside and there are many inside parts that do truly have joy, but there are those parts of my soul that are more than sad, that I am not sure its ever going to totally go away. Those parts are scared and broken and have seen and experienced the unimaginable, and deserve a break. I just want this sad soul, to find a soft place, an all the time soft place.
This past week my past has seemed huge. I have felt it in so many ways. I am feeling more and I am not sure that I like it. Outside things are falling into place. Inside things are not OK. I think when people ask questions and you answer them and then you realize how big the answers are....and that someone is listening, the memories get huge, the visions are many and a person feels the weight of what has happened to them. It's not that I am dwelling that is a huge fear of mine. Its just that so much has happened, and this is one of those times that I am just going to have to sit with it. Going to have to sit with the bigness of my past. It feels big really big. And I don't even think that there is anything I could do , its just big and I just need some time. The tears are plenty lately; the feelings are coming back around. Honestly I haven't felt for some time, its always there the pictures the memories but there are times that the feelings come and those two things come together and its a lot. And this is one of those times. I want someone there to listen, I want to talk and get things out and have help figuring them out. I know there is not a single thing that any person can do, it just is. I want someone to hear and for things to matter. This is what has happened, and these are the things that I have to face.
And there is more added to that. My therapy is expensive. My insurance pays for nothing out of network until I reach my deductible. I feel defeated I feel like there is no way that I am over going to totally recover from this. The time and care that a past like mine takes is unimaginable! There is no way to get rid of the pictures, and the thoughts and the nightmares. I really thought there was going to come a time when I would be able to sleep, I had so much hope!!! It's not fair really. Because I just want to heal, I just want to fix the thoughts that are like cement in my head. I want it more than anything, and I will fight to get it. I just want to feel normal, to be a part to be heard and listened to. I am letting new people in and its terrifying. What if these people leave too ? What if these people can't handle the truth? What if they see me as a burden? I am scared, so so so scared but I am hoping that it is worth reaching out. That they are going to stay and be willing to walk beside me. I need that so very much.
I want to be able to have true conversations, to be real to feel and to cry and that be OK. I am not sure if church is the place for me, I want to believe and understand but I also know that I am different. I can say that I believe in God that we are on the same couch but that couch is very long and my arm is out. We are fine as long as you stay over there and i stay over here. I am not sure if my different is going to be OK, if I will be accepted. And I am scared. This week was in so many ways so great, and in other ways my heart is hurting, and I am alone. I have put on a happy face the kids are doing really good, they are enjoying school, they are such great kids. They are kind and compassionate and I begin to doubt everything about myself and look at them and they are more than amazing and I did that. I have taught them those good kind things.
I heard from their school counselor, and she said she had some shirts, for them I said that was awesome. Then I sent her an email thanking her, and I asked her to keep an eye on the kids that I had to tell them some important information about their father and if she noticed anything to let me know. I never got a response back and the shame that I feel in even saying anything is HUGE. And of coarse that also has its impact. I speak ask for help and then silence. Its a pattern for me, I reach out and I get silence. I feel exposed and its not good, and she should absolutely know better.
I just need someone to be there all the time. And the holidays are coming up, and we will be on our own, and that is rough. Catrina knows us and asked what we were doing, sadly I said probably just staying here. The Wiebe's are taking a family trip meeting her sister. That is when family is rough, they are MY family but they have their own. I don't want to make a turkey for just the three of us and I will, and we will make it amazing, but still no one will be there for me, there will be no family story telling or any family connection. Don't get me wrong I will have it for the kids, its just that for me there will not be the things that I so desire. The things that I want in my own heart. Someone there for me.
We are still trying to find where we are going to live. I am looking at houses. There are times I think wow this is going to be amazing, trying to find, that perfect place for us, there are times I think oh my goodness how in the world am I going to afford that perfect place to live. I want the right place to come open for us, that is just right where we can make ourselves a real home that is all ours. That is what I want more than anything. Those are the outside pieces that are coming together.
I need more coffee shop conversation I need more connection, I need more things that are real and true. I need more time to do what gives my heart peace of mind. What gives this weary heart of mine just a little rest.I am stepping out side my normal usual looking for those things and hoping that maybe maybe this is the time; maybe this is a new season of real true friends and honest listening, and more true healing. The healing that I have left to do is not going to happen on my own. I wish that it could be, then I would not have to burden other people, because the things I need to share are heavy and I don't want to put that on anyone but I also know that I can not carry it myself. I can not be ashamed of the past I need help figuring out how it fits into my story and live life today. I just need more people to walk beside me, helping me along. Arms around me telling me I can do this. That is what I need. That is what I am looking for.
There are many things to say about this. It was one of the very best people I know Birthday the other day and the connection that I have with her is something amazing; I love her with my whole heart. And I was thinking in the shower, about how I connect with people, and how growing up there was no connection, and how much that I missed out on. Even today I miss out on connection because i don't have a clue what I am doing . Growing up I only connected to my stuffed animals, and to real animals. Later I found whales, and they saved my life those were the things I connected to. There was no real human connection for me, growing up or for a very long time. All of the people that I was supposed to have connection with , hurt me. There was no one to take care of my heart. No one to nourish my soul. No one to keep me safe and sound. No one to take care of me, so I began taking care of others and that filled a space a void and for short periods of time made everything OK.
And that is so much how I relate to people today, if I connect with you I tend to hold on for dear life. If you are kind, I tend to want you to stick around, I want you to be there and try to understand where I am coming from. I feel like I have to prove that I need you to stick around that I won't ask for too much, that I just want to belong. I want more than anything for you to understand where I am coming from and how I see things. If somehow you could understand, then it would be OK if I was around. I know what life is like with out any connection and I have finally found real true connection, and its amazing. And its also terrifying. I am trying to find the right words to describe the things I want to convey, about connection and what its like not having it for so long and not just not having it but connecting to things that can't connect back. I mean you all know how I love animals, and that is more than strong its a connection that I know that I feel in my heart because for so very long that was the only kind of connection that I ever had. And animals can connect they do in the most amazing ways. There are there when you cry, when you are sad, when you think that no one else in the world is there, animals are, at least they were for me. I could tell my animals everything growing up and knew that they were not going to hurt me. And they give you comfort, but they can not tell you the things that you need to hear from the people who are supposed to love you.
In building new relationships I am scared because before there is even a connection my mind starts to wonder OK how long before this person leaves or how long before they see my tender heart and think whoa I am outta here... How long after I share my story will they run as fast as they can in the other direction? My friends I can guarantee you, most people don't stick around long at all .Way to many people see my tenderness, see the wounds and they are outta town. They get further and further and further away. Until once again I am on my own. And just like that little kid; I believe it is something that I have done.
So with me I see connection through a 5 year old eyes and that is more than rough.I know that I am not 5, others do not see that five year old its just how my heart feels at times. A part of me is more than stuck there and I have to be so very careful. And I can say that with out a doubt I have the kindest, most amazing people in my life now, people that I truly know are not leaving are not going anywhere, but that fear is bigger than you ever imagine. It is as big as a five year old with a monster under the bed it is that real to me. I view connection through the eyes of a scared hurt little kid. I figured that out last weekend , and its an eye opener. Think of any 5 year old, and how they see the world and how they view the people that are close to them......think for a few seconds.......that is me today...because I never had that at 5 or 10 or even 20....that little five year old kid is me....so be patient be kind.....very kind, please.
I just want more than anything to be loved, to be heard, all those things that a little kid needs, I need that too, and believe me I am so sorry. I so understand that its hard because I am not the innocent little five year old, people see the mom, the teacher, the caregiver that does it all but there are pieces of me that need more. I need connection and people more than I would ever want to admit. Inside I need reassurance and comfort and patience and oh so much kindness and understanding. I see things so very different, I see everything around me through 35 years of having to do everything on my own.
I know I am 40 but I never had those relationships those building blocks in life , I finally a few years ago, a little over 5 years ago found, no I take that back, I was lead to people who became my building blocks and I have grown from there.....that was only a few short years ago and I am still learning. I don't do friends well, I don't do connection well I don't do many connection things well, what I knew growing up was animals and taking care of others. I knew what it was like to have no one and never ever wanted another person to have those same feelings. EVER. That is how I lived my life, and I am working on doing things different but I can tell you it is more than challenging, and there are days I want to crawl in a hole. Because you see my brain just doesn't work like yours does.
My brain works from that little kid trying to do things right, trying be good,trying to survive. My brain constantly is looking for safety and protection, I forget that I have already survived and its OK to simply live. Growing up that wasn't an option. It is now and I am fighting for it. I just need those genuine real connections. Connections to remind me that hey, I am OK and I have made it. Just please please be patient with this weary heart of mine. I am working on this connection thing its just more complicated than I would ever like to admit.
My kids know that when I say that I am done, I have hit my max and its time to chill. Sometimes it takes an awful lot to get there other times it doesn't take much at all. This time its been a lot it has been an entire lifetime. I am pretty even, but when I have hit that point its over. And yesterday I spoke those words regarding my family. I am done, I am not trying anymore. I will not shed any more tears wanting them to be something other than what they are. They will never be what I need or what I want. So its time to say I am just done. And this just might be one of the hardest things I have ever done.
And it's hard saying that really, I though that there was a chance with my mom, she seems to be a little less judging, more open I was the same but it seemed that maybe she was a little different. I was wrong it was wanting something that I am not meant to have. She says things to get what she wants, to get you exactly where she wants you and I am not playing.
She tells the kids things, some things a child should never hear. We never have a conversation we never talk, ever anymore, unless Vincent puts me on speaker phone because she has a question. I answer the questions but there is never conversation. Every now and then I feel guilty that I don't try harder, but then I have to protect my heart. I can never put my heart out there, that would be asking for a disaster. So for some time she has told Vincent that she is going on a cruise, OK whatever. I literally have nothing to say. I am not involved in her life, she is not involved in mine. We don't do Christmas or thanksgiving, together, she goes to my brothers. I have not been invited. The kids are not included. There is no connection anymore.
She broke what little connection we had left, when we sat on the coach, my last year of school my final two semesters of student teaching and asked when I was moving out. I had already found the most awful email where I saw in writing exactly what she thought of me. I was more than crushed. I poured my heart out on that couch, I was crying, sharing my whole heart. From her there was no feeling no emotion, not once did she reach out, she shrugged her shoulders and said I have to figure out my feelings for you. Imagine saying that to your own child, Now imagine being that child. A mother is supposed to love you no matter what, unconditionally all the time. But I wasn't loved, I wasn't cared for, I was something that she had to figure out I heard those words and I stopped talking, I went to my room crying. There was nothing there, I was sharing from the bottom of my heart and she shrugged her shoulders. I was beyond crushed.
So a few days ago, there was this post on Face book, by my brothers girlfriend. How she couldn't sleep because Chris was on his cruise. Yes my mother went on a cruise and she went on a family cruise with my brother. A family cruise. So I am not family. They are not mine. They are my mother and my brother but they are not my family. And its conservation cruise, which stings a little more, makes it worse, they are ones that think attending Sea World is still OK, and swimming with dolphins, isn't a big deal. Do they know me ? Do they even care ? Words and actions just do not match. I am done. I AM DONE.
I will be civil, I will be polite, but don't expect anything from me, there is nothing left and I just can not keep trying. My entire life my heart has been trampled by most of those that I have come in contact with. Many there was nothing that I could do anything about this time I can do a lot and I just will not continue to be treated like I have done something wrong. I have had to fight my entire life and I will not fight for something and someplace where I am not wanted. So I am done. I will continue to fight for my children and myself, that is what I have.
With my brother I am not sure what happened really. I would talk to him tell him how i was being treated, I told him that I was trying so hard and nothing was working, he wanted to fix things, I just wanted him to listen. I loved him, he was my little brother. When we got together we would laugh and we were really funny together. It was nice being adults and having a relationship. And what happened I am not sure that I can explain. He came here a few times, and never let me know. I asked him about it, like hey you come and you don't even see me ? Hid reply well WE thought it was best.....who is WE my mother and him. I had not heard from him in months I tried to call his number and it said the number was no longer in service he had changed his number and never bother to give it to me. I was crushed. I was making dinner in the kitchen and was more than shocked, what why in the world would he do that to me. I was the one who wrote him letters when he was in away, each and every week, and we would drive hours every weekend to see him so he would company. I sold my furniture so we would have gas to see him. He came for my graduation and it was supposed to be this big secret. I was glad he was there he should have been he was my brother. I saw him for maybe 10 minutes that night. It was awkward, there was nothing to say my feelings were hurt he wanted to be the hero, because he was here. Sorry, then my graduation party, he didn't even show up, saying he didn't know if he was invited. SERIOUSLY. I asked my mother to call him tell him to come, there were a number of excuses she didn't have his number, he wasn't answering, and that was that. I had a few moments in my room, where the world was spinning, I just didn't understand. I was crushed. I can not explain. I can not even guess what his thoughts are. But I guess he is my mothers family. And she is his. And in that there is no room for me. There are no calls on birthdays , but I send a card on his because that is what a sister does. It may not matter to him it matters to me and I will continue to do it.
Them being on this cruise together hurt so very much, more than I really would like to admit. In so many areas I am finding my voice and I will not be quiet just for them. I will not be quiet at all, I will not cower in a corner and forget who I am. I will not be quiet and not say the things that I know are right. I have fought to be here and good things are happening. But I am done.
So I am weary of calling people family. I just left a church where they always talked about family but yet it was words and nothing more. People have no idea what that words mean when a person doesn't have family. Family is so much more, everything more. True Family is everything more, its supposed to be everything kind and unconditional. Family are the people that are your soft place to fall. And I have a few of those, but they also have their own families, and I always know that. The ones that love me unconditionally. The ones who we may not agree with me but are there. The ones that are honest, tell me if I am crazy, or if that makes sense. The ones that tell me to follow my dreams, the ones who The ones who cry with me, because they hear my heart. The ones who I can laugh with and be silent with. Family is something different for me. and I am looking for things that I am not sure if they are possible but I am looking, searching and hoping. Oh I am hoping.
I am sure that there are times that I will miss them. I am sure, I will miss my brother I will still hear that song by Randy Travis and remember the time that we drove all night to bring him home for Christmas. Those are the things that families do, those are the things I will remember.
For my brother. I heart your heart. I will love you forever.
I feel like its been forever and there are just so many things to say. I wrote a post about worth and felt like my thoughts were all over the place, there are just so many different directions that my mind is running in. There are so many feelings and so many things swirling in my head. I have a real job a real teaching job and its more than amazing! I see my name on official paperwork and its more than surreal!!! There are so many things to learn, to get my head around. There are great things that are happening and there are also things that I am trying to fight. In my life I see things as black or white there is little gray. And I know life does not work in all or nothing but I do. I am working on it but I do. I fee like i am walking on this long fence right now. On one side there are the good things my teaching career, my own house, finding good things with new people. And on the other side are the things that I fight about my past. And those things seem to get a little larger when those good things start to happen. Because with each good big thing I want the bad to go away. Like if somehow I reach another milestone the past is going to magically disappear and be OK! I keep waiting but it IS NOT going to work like that. It just doesn't and I should know that by now but my brain keeps fighting, and wants more than anything just to feel normal, just to fit in. I get frustrated that the past is still there, the memories, flashbacks the pictures; the pieces of the past that are on repeat and much of it is the PTSD, but oh my goodness I have worked so very hard and tried so many things to be OK. I have wanted to give up so many times and never have. I have always kept going and with the work that i have done, I should be finished, I should be swimming in the joy. Its more than frustrating that I do work so very hard and still there seems to be that annoying voice telling me I am worth nothing more than the past. I still have a death grip on the things that I would do almost anything to forget. I often believe that I am what has happened to me. That all those things are who I am.
There is an child advocate on line that posted something, and it made me cry! This is exactly where I am.
Right in the middle. Better than OK but not yet awesome.
Say five years ago It ( My past) was Not OK and I was not OK. I was drowning, I was literally falling apart at the seams. I was a mess. I think back to that time and it's amazing how far that I have come. I have come so so far from that, so very far. I worked on issues from my past, I was cared for and given such caring and kindness, such patience and I began to be OK, and truly I felt like I came back to life again. What I was doing before wasn't even really living. I was breathing, but I was hanging on by a thread.
Today, I am better than i have ever been before good things are happening, dreams are coming true, things that I have wanted for so long, are truly happening and it feels so surreal.I keep wanting to pinch myself, like I ma going to wake up and things are going to be different. I am doing the same job that I love, and getting paid real money ! Real Teacher Salary!! Woohoo. That part of me is going amazing, I am exhausted there is just so much to learn and there are certain rules that you have to follow, and time lines, and paperwork OH the paperwork. But its more than a job to me, I love every day. I wake up and am more than ready for each new day. But the kids, oh I love the kids. They make it amazing. I can make a difference every single day, and I hope they remember how much that I care for them someday. The kids and I have a plan for moving out, we are saving , picking out furniture, looking at places that will be a perfect fit for us. We are dreaming there is lots of dreaming, and thinking about all the great things our future holds. That is all the good things that are on one side of the fence.
But then there is the other side of the fence and that leaves me stuck right in the middle of being truly OK but the past not being OK. The part that is grey. Where I sometimes get stuck. I don't live there anymore, but I do sometimes get stuck. I mean there was a time when I was not OK at all, it was more than rough, and there were many moments that I wasn't sure that I was going to make it. But I did. And with all the work that I did, I came out and I was truly OK, but the past, Yea that still hurt like hell. There are answers that I long for. There are things I have yet to get my head around, So I finally got to place where I was truly OK but the past just isn't!!! And that is where I get stuck. Because so many good things are happening, the past just shouldn't be an issue anymore.
I am finally going to be OK, I am happy, there are good things happening but when things get quiet, when the day is coming to an end, and my children are safe and sound and settled that is when again my past will rear its ugly head. There is not much sleep, and when i do it isn't peaceful. My legs look like punching bags, my arms get scratched. There are nightmares that don't go away even when my eyes are open. There are flashbacks that bring me back to the worst moments. I see pictures in my head as clear as when they happened. AND those are things that I can not do anything about . My brain goes there so automatically trying to protect me, making sure that i never forget the things that could happen, because for me they already have. The things of nightmares are true and were my everyday. I have tried a little of everything trying to fight. I have been absolutely pissed that I can't just get over it, and then I realize if it were that easy, I so would have done that already but it is not. If it were as easy as flipping a switch it would have been flipped a long LONG time ago. So as I walk this fence of mine, between all the good things that are happening and my brain that was once trying to save me is now holding me back. I often feel like I am living these two lives. There is the teacher the mom, the one who goes and does everything that is needed and there is the other side, that feels like a victim. That part of me that can't get the awfulness to go away. That is more than hard on myself, That struggles to change the things that can never be changed.
So in order for me to get to the next step where I am awesome, I need to realize that no matter how hard I work the past will never be OK. I can never make it go away, never make it anything other than what it was. But in that there will be a peace. With this I will know that i have fought with everything I have. I have been the voice, I have spoken up I not once gave up even in those darkest moments when it would have been the easiest thing to do. No I can not make what happened to me any different, I can not change it, I can only be kind to myself as I fight through these next huge steps. If I have come this far I can make it the rest of the way. I am going to try other options things I haven't tried before. Its totally not for lack of effort, I have to remember that. I often work too hard trying to make it different when what I really need to do is just enjoy life around me, take chances and step outside my comfort zone. And I can tell you I have been doing that more than I ever imagined was possible. My life is crazy amazing; just the hand that I got dealt well I will never understand. I am going to be OK, because I won't have it any other way. So maybe right now I am stuck on gray street, and I teeter between all the amazing and the rough but its my life and I am making the best of it. I look forward to all that is in store and I look forward to that place where I can finally say I am awesome, and my past isn't OK, because it never can be, but me I made it and I am proud of where I have come and where I am going.
These next few months are going to be amazing, the trailer will be coming out for the documentary, and I have to be proud of myself and not blow it off. Yes it was the right thing but many would choose something different and I didn't. I chose to be the voice and use it to help others. I will be going to lots of training's learning all about my job and we will be preparing to move into the next stage of our lives. It's all good things I have to give myself a break and know I don't have to have all the answers RIGHT now. Just live and be happy. Enjoy. I am sure that a year from now I am going to look back and think wow, look how much further that I have come, and today will feel so very far away. I will never be done but I am on my way to awesome!
This is big, more than huge and a struggle that is much bigger than I fear that I am. Who me worthy? Yea the automatic thoughts start in my head. You must be talking about someone else. Worth is a crazy thing really, for me its one of those things that I can not get my head around !!!! I see worth in others all the time, I see that and it makes sense. I see it with out even thinking about it, it i just there. I think it starts for little kids as soon as they are born. Even way before really, as soon as i knew that i was pregnant oh my little ones were more than loved. I would sit in my rocking chair and talk to them and rub my big o'belly. I Loved every second. For the kids that I teach I value them just because they are because they need someone to love them and care for them and take care of their heart. Because they are special and I see that in everything that they do. I can see and experience all those things yet for me, I keep looking for reasons and excuses to believe that I don't fit into the same category.
There are just to many things that have happened, too much water under the bridge and somehow I became unlovable and unworthy. People for a long time have tried to get me to believe, that I have worth that I am worthy, and deep down I do not believe it yet. I am trying its just isn't something that I have ever believed. Never in my life growing up did I feel that I was worth anything. I was never special, never taken care of. And its mind blowing that even today, all those things that I was taught growing up about myself are like cement in my head that little by little I am trying to chip away. But it is more than hard. They are so strong and so a part of who I am, and I am really trying to believe the things others are saying. My brain keeps going back to the time when I was young and was taught that there was no value in my life, what I wanted didn't matter, when I was hurt it didn't matter, When I was sad or mad or even glad it didn't matter.I didn't matter my friends and that is something heart breaking. The only person that ever mattered was my father, and that is indescribable. He would get mad at anything and everything and we would have to ask him for our forgiveness!! WHAT....in what world does that make sense, in no world at all except the one I grew up in. I was always the kid, with questions, well why, I don't want to I didn't do anything, but yet none of that mattered, I was worthless forget what you believe, forget that you have your own thoughts, just do what you are told make other people happy. My needs and wants were never important. Lie Lie Lie, tell everyone you are fine smile and make them believe.
And that is how life was lived. Way back then.
I didn't matter, people didn't care and the long lasting affects of that is something unbearable and so hard to overcome. Even when people tell you that YES you do have the same worth that you see in other people, you look at them like they are crazy,and think well if they only knew. Its a strange thing really, I have learned so much over these last few years and I have people who believe that I am worthy and who believe in me. But still I keep looking to prove that I am worthy. In my head I think well if you knew all this about me you too would see just how unworthy that I am. I keep trying to prove it to people, only some people are not buying it. I have told theses people many times that a bat a really big one might get it through my head. I feel different, I see things different and I keep looking for proof that I am something other than and honestly I am not finding it.
I am here today and I have many good things happening and I am finding myself scared to death. I am scared to make the right decisions, scared to make the wrong ones, I am all around scared that I am going to fail. That my choices aren't going to be the right ones. I have to be so self sufficient and take care of everything and I am over-whelmed. These thoughts are constant and so very loud. I am trying to fight them thinking new thoughts, finding a better and different way to view myself , I am trying to believe differently and there are times that I think I get a glimpse of it, something different than i have ever known, but I can not even begin to tell you how uncomfortable that it makes me feel.
The decisions that I am going to have to make in the next few months are BIG life changing kind of decisions, things that I was never taught, things that I know nothing about and that is a scary place to be. Like the kids and I are going to be out on our own and that is more than exciting. The kids might bust and we are looking for furniture and things to go with our house. We are looking at apartments and houses, and number of rooms and space available and I am looking for the right place for the right money and I know what it is that I want and the whole worth thing comes in to play do I deserve that nice house, I know that my kids do, but I think do I ??? I can't not even explain the dilemmas in my head. An apartment would be fine anywhere we live, I know it it will be ours and it will be perfect but its one of those huge life steps and I am taking it on my own and that is scary. Me what do I want? If everything was perfect I want a house, apartments are expensive, and I want a house. I want the kids to have their own bedroom, their own space. Their entire lives they have never had their own space, their own little retreat and they need that. They have not exactly had things easy and I know that they will be happy where ever we are but I want the best for them. I want them to have their own room, I want a yard for a dog. I want lawn furniture, so I can sit outside and enjoy the sunset after a long day at work. I want my own room with my own things and some privacy, I would like to write with out someone over my shoulder, I would like to get up in the middle of the night and check my own locks and smile knowing that we are all safe and sound. I would like to take a long hot bath after the kids are in bed and put candles on and cry if I need to cry or laugh or talk on the phone if I want to and say what ever it is that I need to say. Those are things that I want. And all of those things , I want to do in a house. My house. I am believing that the right place will open up for us. That there is a perfect place that is meant just for us, my little family, with Dorothy and Glenda and friends that we have yet to meet. I want those things. I want my very own house.
And sometimes that glimpse of worth is big and I think yes I want those things, and that is ok ! I am 40 years old and I will have my 41st birthday in my own place and that is something amazing it has taken me so long to finally get here, but I have made it. If I had no worth I would not be here right now and I forget that. I have had some pretty awesome people guide me along the way and I am grateful. Its sad that at 40 I need people to tell me that I am worth so much more than I even give myself credit for. But I need that, I need people to walk beside me telling me its ok, that i got this that i have come this far surely I can go the rest of the way. The direction that I am going is a good thing and I am heading in good places, and I know that a year from now when I am sitting writing in my own house this will seem so very far away, but this is my here and now and I continue fighting for me and the life that I want the life that I deserve and dare I say the life that I am worth y of. I am going to make it, I am.
So its official. I am a Plano Independent School District Full Time Sped Teacher. I have wanted this for so long!!!! I am more than excited and looking forward to all the good things that are ahead of me. Thanks to so many that have helped me along the way. For so many things, there are so many people. A gigantic thank you Catrina Dawson for too many things to mention, For a home, for my heart for helping this dream come true. You gave me hope when I had none left. My heart and soul are grateful. To Davina Harms Rodriguez for telling your school about me and getting me in the door. James Wiebe for being my training wheels before I learned to ride on my own. I am doing it!!! Margie Huber, I don't why you have kept me around and supported me,you believed in me when I sure didn't heart emoticon you mean the world. To Valerie Jeanne for giving me my voice and making me believe. I LOVE you all so much and am more than grateful. I am a teacher and I finally have my class. My heart is Happy heart emoticon
