This is a month that is forever and always going to be a part of my life. Almost always daily, just not every minute of every day anymore. But its always there, its just what must be acknowledged at any given time. There are still many nights of nightmares, there are still flashbacks that take my breathe away . There are days that taking a shower and getting out of bed seem like one huge obstacle that I am just not sure that I can face.
I have had people tell me that I share too much, that I should hide, that I should really think about what I post. And all to often I have believed them and I have shrank, I have become small and pretended that my story didn't matter. I have listened to those that are so uncomfortable with what I have to say, they would like to shame me and push me back in the corner; sweep the things I have to say back under the rug ignoring the purple elephant in the room ; where my words, my story isn't seen or heard. Guys I just can't do that. I found my voice and I will not let any small minded person make me feel less than for that.
So sorry not Sorry my friends. If I am too much or you don't like what I have to say you don't have to listen or do anything different, but I always hope that I at least made you think. I am not going anywhere and I will not pretend that this is an issue that doesn't need to be addressed. I have lost many people who think I should be over it, I should just move on, I should smile and forget. I should give it to god and let go. I have heard oh so many things and so many of them have cracked my heart. I have to do what is right for me, I have to share so that even if one person feels less alone, that is what I do this for. My entire life I have basically been doing this on my own and I never ever want others to have to feel that.
Sexual Assault is something that has been a part of my life from before there were any real memories. I am one of those people that there was no before my sexual assaults, I don't even know life with out it really. My entire life my entire existence has been clouded, touched and changed by the things that have happened. There is not one aspect of my life that has not been affected in some way. And that has made me the person that I am today. I see and experience the world different. Everything I do takes me longer because it takes my brain that much longer to process.
I never had a loving caring home growing up, I was not seen and heard. I grew up exhausted and in fight mode. My father was the first monster, but there were many after that. I had a sign on my head that said go ahead its been done before. When rape is a part of your daily existence it changes who you are , it cracks your heart and leaves remnants of a sadness that is too much for words. I am the stories you see on the news I am that 1 in 4 girls. I am the story you see and think why didn't someone notice ? I am the story when people think well that doesn't happen. I can promise you it does happen. I AM THAT GIRL. I carry the scars, the broken heart, the never ending soul sadness that so much in life was taken. When I say I have been hurt my entire life, I mean that with my whole being. I lived through things that I will never understand. People took what they wanted and I was left to fend for myself.
There was that line in Patch Adams when they are sitting on the porch, and she said "men were attracted to me my whole life". I felt every word of that.
Early twenties, barely surviving, my father was getting remarried. She had a young daughter, I went looking for the house. And I saw it. I saw his trailer and her little pink tricycle. I knew that I would not let another little girl grow up the way that I did, so I went and pressed charges just to keep her safe. I never would have said a word for me , but I wanted her to live a life that I never knew. I wanted her to keep her innocence her childhood. So I did what needed to be done. Once again on my own, I navigated the criminal justice system.
The toll that my life was taking was huge, I so much wanted normal, I wanted to be included, I wanted to be like everyone else. My life experiences were so very different there was nothing normal. I have literally missed out on most of life's milestones and achievements. I have always been the outlier
And again age 28, so Naïve wanting normal life things. We were supposed to go shopping and have lunch, he had other intentions. I am assaulted, but was given the two most important things in the world. And here is where I began to see the light.
This was my life. I knew that my own children were going to experience the world in ways that I never got too.
My children were going to be safe and loved, and they were going to know that each and every day. They were going to be safe and oh so happy. So when I say I experience this world differently, I mean that with all that I am. I see everything different. I feel a little more, I see a little more, I experience this life a little more than any other person.
I have had to fight my entire life. Every single day things were taken that were not theirs to take and yet I am still standing still breathing; still fighting. There are even still days that I have to fight because 28 years of trauma doesn't just go away. I have a trauma brain, but that makes me; Me.
I am just crazy Callahan. Lover of life, caretaker of hearts and lover of all things whales. I believe Kindness changes everything and that everyone can make a difference.
My life will be affected forever and a lifetime, and I will forever speak out for those that can't speak for themselves. I will keep talking about the things that have happened so its personal so people know that when we talk about Sexual Assault Awareness Month it is so much more than some cold hard statistics that are far away. You have people right beside you that are in different levels of their healing and we all need to be a little more understanding and compassionate. When I did my documentary almost 6 years ago, I was more cared for and listened to than I had been my entire life. They gave me a voice and I will never go back to surviving in silence. I literally can not. I need to share and speak and acknowledge that there is great evil in this world, there are terrible awful things that happen. But there is also light and ways of overcoming. There are amazing wonderful things beyond your imagination that happen.
People have made me feel small because of how I have survived, and that just isn't ok. We are all on our own journey and I just hope in sharing mine, that it makes a difference. That if even a single piece of my story makes someone think and do things different then , I have done what I set out to do.
I speak up so that people know they aren't alone, that I am here and I see them. I have a long way to go there are parts and pieces still to figure out, but I take every second and live my life. I will keep moving forward fighting for all the things that are mine in this life. Fighting my way through the ugly tears until they become happy joyful tears. I keep speaking so that others can find their brave and know there is a light even when things get dark. If you made it this far , I love you. If you made it this far, thank you for hearing and listening. Thank you for holding space, for being a witness.
I heart your heart.
