Church, God and the Dalai Lama

I am not a person that knows much about religion and the stories of the bible and the meanings behind them I am a person of experience.  I am a person that cautiously looks at what is around me and then I make my own decision.  I do not go by what people say, or what I am supposed to be believing. I ask a lot of questions and then still more questions, and then lots of thinking .  Church for me growing up was not a good thing.  I saw way too many hypocrites and I DID not understand.  I saw the same people that hurt me go to the alter and receive communion.  I saw people being cruel and judgmental. It was the boy Don,  that I met at  Sunday morning service who later broke into my home, but I was the one that had done something wrong.  I was often the recipient of others cruel words, in anything church related.  I didn't follow the rules and asked too many questions, I wanted to understand, they just wanted me to follow everything they said. It was a youth group leader who didn't believe me when I finally told of my abuse and She then made sure that the entire church knew that I was lying; I just wanted attention is what she told everyone.  I can remember faking sleeping in the morning not to have to go to church with these people.  They were not  real kind or genuine and I wanted nothing to do with them. They were everything that I hated, everything that I never wanted to be. And those were just the people, and I kept thinking what kind of god is this ?  What kind of god lets these things happen.  What kind of god lets a five year old pray to die each and every night as prayers are said ?  This was a god that I wanted nothing to do with.  There was my father who would be this happy ,kind, helpful man at church and my family got the F u's on the way home from church, then the silent treatment for days on end. These were what I saw of the "church" these are the things that I experienced.

The first book that began to touch my heart was Peace is Every Step by Thich Nach Hahn.  I was in my teens and doing things on my own.  I was quiet and withdrawn in my own little fairy tale world where whales were my saving grace. Nature was my refuge. It was a such a peaceful book that spoke to me.  It was about kindness and about feeling the earth below you.  TO this day I will go back and read parts of that book.  The parts that most touch my heart.  During some of the hardest moments in my life, this is the book that got me through.  This is the book that I held onto when all else failed.   I had lived for so long doing everything on my own and this book was a new beginning a new world for me. It gave me something to hold onto.  One of the stories talks about a dandelion holding your smile for you, until you can smile again.  And at least if you can see that the dandelion is holding it for you then things are not so bad.  I still have that page marked and probably read it almost every week. It was a way for me to find kindness when there was not any in my life. It gave me something to hold onto, and I was desperate.  I wanted to believe in something so I came to believe in the world around me, the trees, the sun, the ocean, the whales, the animals, each and every one of them.   That in turn led me to lots of reading and lots of research and I was led to the Dalai Lama.  Oh my heart he was all about peace and kindness.  So what my soul needed.  He was not all about religion and what you should do he was about kindness and again that is what I longed for and that was meant for my heart.  There were no strict rules, there was no judging there was acceptance and kindness.  Just simple acceptance and kindness.  I have many little Buddha's all around room.  Its a little funny when I was moving and a friend was helping me pack.  She said can I ask you a question ?  And me who loves questions said sure! She asked about all my Buddha's and I said that it was a time when that was all that I had.  That was the only kindness that I knew and that was my life line.  I said that I believe in God but there is a connection to something that kept my heart intact though all of the unseen.  Its amazing that my loves, my beliefs are all coming together and becoming the place that I am in.   I needed the Dalai Lama and that kindness and that spirit of non violence and acceptance.  And as I made that leap and entered that Church in my thirties, I needed those families in that time and that place. To have that belonging meant more than words can describe. 

 

    

    I can remember being with my grandmother and talking about this new amazing book that I was reading and a friend of hers was all over me because it didn't talk about god, hid god.  He was not very kind, and was not even willing to see how good that this book was for me.  God was something that was far away.  He was something untouchable and  not necessarily unkind but not kind either.  I think I saw him as a bystander just watching as the world crumbled. As my world was falling apart I imagined that he was doing nothing,    He was not something that was in my heart, in my bones; it was something else something unreal and far away.  I had decided that my life experiences were something unthinkable and I didn't want to believe in a god that let such things happen.  I would not believe in something that would let children suffer.  I wanted nothing to do with god or religion or any kind of church.  That was only reinforced with the scandal in the church with priests hurting and abusing children.  And yet other officials knowing what was being done and just moving those priests around to different parishes, Really, how sick is that ? Then was the time when truth showed its face, when I believe with all that I am I ended up exactly where I was supposed to be......And it was the little things....

It wasn't until my early thirties that I saw a real church with real kind people that were all the things that I was looking for all the things that I needed.  My first experience with a real church was seeing a play.  And the most special person that played an Angel.  That angel led me to learn what church really was and  in time who God was.  He showed me who God was by being the real kindness that I needed.     It was the little things that he did consistently , the kindness, my questions, my attitude, my disbelief and his refusal to never give up on me.  He had asked me to church a number of times with his family and finally I said I would love to come to church and see the play.  I mean it was just a play, and I joked that lightning may strike, and tornadoes may ensue but I said that I would go.  And it was awesome, and that little thing that meant the most is on his way out, leaving the scene, he turned and gave a little wave.  Just a little wave letting me know that I was noticed, that meant so much.  I remember things so vivid and that moment still makes me cry.  He didn't let me fade in, he noticed.  I learned so many things.  I met his wife and shared life with his family.  He was my lifeline; my training wheels for a long time. I learned to see God in a new light.  I found a real church a real family with the most amazing people.

I am not at all about religion, I do not like the rules the regulations I am not about conforming to what others believe.  Though I am a very spiritual person. I see greatness in the small things that surround me, in the clouds, in the little birds, in laughing people.  I see things different, I always have.  I see God all around me, I see him in the birds, in all kinds of ways and places.  I see him in the sunrise and the sunset.  I see him in a father taking care of his children, I see him in my children when they ask how I am and make sure that I am OK. I have seen him more these last few months that I could have ever imagined in a friend calling me family, in being offered an amazing home to live in . In the pieces of my life that are falling into place, into my grades, my financial aide in more things that I can even imagine.  Its in things that I can not even begin to explain or understand.  I talk about when I found my first real church, and if I didn't find that place I never would have met Catrina.  The patchwork of lives and times and people is more than amazing and more than I can explain in words, EVER.  Today I do believe in God, he is in my bones because I was shown the realness and kindness of him in some most important people who took the time to walk with me.  Since I made the decision to leave that place that was once my church home.  I went to church once and it was not scary, it felt good, it was not my cup of tea, the man yelled often and looked like the banker from Mary Poppins, but I was with amazing people and that made the difference.  I was ready to try again and Christmas Eve I went to services and I felt good.  It was huge and there were people everywhere, but I was comfortable.  Someone reached out and asked me to go and be with her family and I was ready.  It was comforting, it was real, it was true and I felt something that I haven't felt for a long time.  And the pastor talked about people exactly where they are.  And that is where I am exactly where I am.  When I left my first church I had people tell me, its my duty to make sure that we find you a church, I made people promise not to let me fall through the cracks because I knew that I would not find another church quickly.  My heart was too hurt by church I had just left, there was nothing left to look for another place where I belonged. So things changed people moved and promises were broken and I had left even the idea of finding a church.  Once again I was on my own. I was out of sight out of mind.  It takes so much out of me to find a place that fits my heart to find a real place that I fit and can belong.  And to make that heart breaking decision to leave that place that was no longer the church I once knew and to have the people that I loved break their promises was really really hard.  I am going to go back to the church that I visited on Christmas Eve.  Because I am ready.  Because I think its time. It is that book that kept my heart, it is the people that i met that healed my soul , and it is the newness and true people that are in my life now that have gotten me where I am.  I believe in the Dali Lama and what he stands for and his heart of pure kindness is more than I can explain.  I believe in God, and am grateful each and every day where I am , the things that I have accomplished, the lives that I touch, and the life that I live.  Things are still hard and so unsure but I believe

 I am on the right path.  I believe that I am where I am supossed to be. I believe so many things...

 

Church is something that is more complicated for me than you can possibly imagine.  Because like so many I am not about all the rules and rituals.  I am about kindness and being who I am.  I am about being accepted where I am.  I will always keep my book Peace is Every Step close because it kept me together, it was a part of my journey I will believe in the Dalai Lama because that is where I found peace when I had none.  I  believe in God because I see how far I have come and that would not have been possible on my own.  I can not join a church and pretend I have the answers, I don't have any.  I know that I want to belong to a place that can take my questions, that can accept my heart exactly as it is and not try to change it to fit what they believe.  I am different, always have been always will be and that just is. I see and experience things differently because of where I have been.  I am more than grateful every day to be where I am.  I have bad days, days of doubt.  I have days when I think OK God I can not take another hurdle yet with each hurdle something else comes that I never expected.  I am a work in progress and all of these things are a part of me.  I am working on my relationship with God, I know how I want to see him as I see the Dhali Lama that's how I want to see him and I am working on that. 

I have so very many questions, I am observing, I am learning and I have to believe that I have gotten here and I am sure that ahead me there are going to be so many more amazing things that I can not even believe.  There was once a day I shrugged off God, now he is in my bones.  There was once a day I imagined tornadoes and lighting if I walked in to a church.  There was once a time all I had was a book written by a Zen Master.  NOW I have all of those things and each one has played such a role,been there for such a time when I needed them.  There are so many more things for me to learn and I miss those people that started this journey with me, but I can do it on my own because of all that they gave me, and how they shared their own hearts.  I believe, yes I believe and someday someday someday the right person will come and walk on this journey with me again.  There is a time and place for everything.  I know for sure that I am blessed, that I am where I am supposed to be with someone who wants to understand where I come from, who wants to understand my experiences and that is greatness.  Its this person that is walking with me as I move to the next step as I write the next chapter.  Here we go my friends, and hang on this is one ride that you will never ever forget . My heart is open and in a different place than it has ever been before I heart your heart all my friends that have journeyed with me,  so much more is to come, so much more........  

Voyage toward truth.....My Truth. It's really Happening

Well WOW! there are so many things that are on my heart that are absolutely bursting to come out. This may take awhile so please get comfy. So many blessings  have been placed on my journey these last few months. More than I could have ever imagined  They have been rough, more than rough really but there is a light at the end of the tunnel.  I have had amazing amazing people around me that have cared for my heart and soul . Things are happening, good things and I am shocked, I am grateful, I am blessed beyond measure and I am truly with all that I am going to make it.  Big really big things happened, and little small things like an email happened and they have all touched my heart and I for once know that I am on the right path.  I am well aware that there is more work to do, more to accomplish but finally in this moment I can see some of my hard work has paid off. 

There is the family drama and my mother not wanting us in her house anymore.

There is the drama with school, did I pass did I fail. In less than three weeks I start my final semester of student teaching, and becoming a real live teacher ! Ha I am graduating with a degree, the only person ever to graduate college in my family !

There was the scary situation of my financial aide.  It being denied.  A friend sticking up for me, a friend paying for my semester and finally getting approved again for my last semester.

Then there is my heart. Its in repair but that's a major advancement.

So where do I begin.   There are just so many things that I want to say.   Lets start back in August. No lets start with September.  Things were getting worse daily with my mom.  She hated us being there and never missed the chance to let us know. Everything that we did and the space that we took up bothered her. I was sinking fast.  Then I got an email from someone asking us over for dinner that she wanted to talk with me about some things.  I immediately said yes.  Something that I never do, I don't want to bother anyone , be a pest but I said yes right away.  Strange right ?, but I did.  Well a few days later I found an email that was written to my mother and it was not kind. It was one of those things that can not be unseen.  It was written by someone at her church and it was more than hurtful it was mean and cold, I read it and couldn't breathe.  I was working so hard not to make her mad and to keep our things away from her and on and on and on.  But things were just getting unbearable.  I was getting sick all the time from nerves. The headaches were unbelievable, I was crumbling, there was nothing left of me.  Life was not good for the kids either; everything they did bothered her, and even they knew that they were no longer wanted in the house that they were born in.  I was yelling at the kids for being kids leaving their things around because I knew that we were not wanted, all that work trying to keep the peace but nothing ever worked.  I was also very aware that my last year of school was starting and I just kept telling myself to hold on that I was almost there. I looked into some places for single mothers to stay and the kids were always too old.  I kept telling myself  just this year, this is the last year, you can do this its OK.  Nothing was OK, not one thing, but what was I supposed to do?  I saw the email my mother received the day that I was supposed to have dinner with Catrina.  I was so close to canceling like phone in my hand cancel, but knew I could not  on such late notice, I couldn't be rude.  I didn't know her very well  at all, but I knew she had blessed me more than words and I needed to go there for dinner.  SO I wiped the tears got myself together and we went for dinner.  I brought Italian shells and a salad I think , and she was making cookies when we got there. Chocolate chip and M&M's.  She was redoing her dining room and was assembling the most amazing shiny Chandelier.  I do not remember much of the conversation at first , she was busy trying to get things done, get the light put up then she stopped.  She looked at me and said I just have to say this. I just have to get this out because its driving me crazy. She said that I had been on her heart for some time. She said that she had been thinking, and that she has this entire house and asked if the kids and I would like to move in. That she was giving us the option while I finish school and get a job.  And I was shocked, I was surprised, I was speechless.  And I cried LOTS.  The very weird thing is I can remember thinking as we drove up what if we could call this place home ?  I know SOOOO strange.  I mean I totally do not drive up to someones house and think Hey, I could live here. But as automatic as it is to breathe that was my first thought.  And we talked and I asked her why me.  And we talked some more. We sat outside in the warm night and watched the lightning, the kids built forts and played and my kids got to be kids.  She showed me around her house, saying we could use this room and that room and how she could move things around that we could put our stuff in the garage and she could park her car out front. The things that she was willing to change and move around for us was completely overwhelming. She was willing to give up so much for my family, my heart was confused I think. When family treats you not so nicely and a person that you barely know offers to give you so much, , its something like stepping on warm sand, there is a peace, a kindness that I had not had in a long time.  The kindness was oozing from that house and I had not had that in a very long time.  Then on the way out Truman said something about us staying forever.  Catrina and I looked at each other. And he had no clue what Catrina was going to ask or anything  ?  WOW.  People don't get chances like this,  things like this don't happen to people like me. I didn't even know her that well, I knew that I always looked up to her, I thought she was pretty amazing but I never imagined to be given such a gift.  And we talked a few times we set a date for us to move in.  I canceled  once; worried about how everything was going to work.  And I decided that NO, this was right, this is what we were supposed to do and I said lets keep the date lets do it, as I was shaking in my boots !  And talk about a giant leap for me, into unknown territory. And more pieces fell into place.  I packed and packed.  I had people help me pack, they brought boxes and tape and paper to keep my things safe.  I had begun the Journey. I was on my way , a new beginning.....

So as I prepared to move and start repairing my world and healing my heart.  I also started my methods classes and observation of my last year of college.  And the kids started fourth grade.  Things were so very busy.  I was overwhelmed the very first week of school. Getting the kids up early, driving close to two hours each way to get the kids to school and me to school. There was so much work, so many assignments and I wasn't sure that I was going to make it.  It seemed that no matter which way I turned there was a battle to be fought and I was exhausted.  My mother decided that since we had moved out she was totally going to wash her hands clean of us .  She knew that during student teaching I would only be able to work on Fridays and yet she said oh sorry gas money I can't.  She shrugged her shoulders and did not care.  There were assignments that I missed papers that I lost.  Seriously I was a mess.  Nothing was organized, my brain was trying to be in over a hundred places when it needed to be at school and it was overwhelming.  I turned many assignments in late and I would have to apologize often, there were no excuses no way that I could explain what was happening.  I tried to keep smiling tried to keep it all going but CRICKEY, the tears flowed often and many and I felt like I was walking in circles ALL THE TIME.  Math was the hardest, and everything usually seemed to crumble the time that his class came around.  I would totally forget about assignments, my computer never worked when I needed it too in class. I forgot that I was supposed to present my BIG LESSON! I mean seriously who does that!   So I had thirty minutes to prepare and I had to give my lesson.  I just wanted to curl up in the corner and life just wouldn't let me.  Mess, just a bunch of mess and there was nothing else that i could do there were no reserves, I was empty there was very little left of me, if anything.  But in true Sherri fashion I kept going kept fighting.  And I came close to failing that math class.  But I worked my hiney off to recover and towards the end of the semester I somehow got all of my assignments turned in.  I somehow managed to keep it together enough, and I ended up with all A's and I even passed that crazy math class with a C.  It was a C but that is one C that I am more than proud of.  I did it I finished the semester and with not bad grades either.  I met some amazing people this semester. Some People that I could live with out, other people that I will never forget.  People that I will always keep in touch with.  As the semester went on, my heart healed a little, it had some room to weep, there was lots of kindness and my heart is on its way back.  I was scared that I wouldn't make it out of this semester and i didn't have a clue what I was going to do, but I also know that I was working as hard as I possibly could and things really needed to be OK for me.  And they were.  Even not being able to register for classes, that was an easy fix too. I can say that now but when I heard the words from Tim Sutton that I was dropped from the teacher Education program,  I am sure that I turned white as a ghost.  WHAT IN THE WORLD!?! another hurdle, come on people !!!! But an easy fix go talk with my advisor and all will be well.  Things are moving forward, I have kindness, I have a peaceful home, my kids are getting to be kids,  I start student teaching that's a miracle.  I have gas things are OK, and for once I can see that things have happened for a reason, not all of them but at least some of them. Each one for their own reason and I am further on this journey than I have ever been before.

There was the scary situation with Financial Aide.  I did not have a clue how I was going to even pay for my last year of school.  UNT had said that I was taking too long to finish and had two many hours and still no degree so they were not offering any more aid.  I tried to get loans, tried to get cosigners and I get a message asking how much school will cost and what I have left and I get a note in the mail telling me not to give up hope and a check for tuition.  A check for my final semester.  My heart was growing.  You know that part of the Grinch where he falls on the ground and grabs his heart because he realizes its growing yep that is exactly what if felt like.  Someone cared enough and could see how important it was for me to finish and they provided a check.  There are no words its beyond grateful, beyond any blessing.  Then there was the realization that what I thought would pay for the entire last year, paid for one semester and I could...not...believe...it.  What in the world was I going to do.  Personal loans were not an option, and no co signer things were crazy.  I didn't have a clue what i was going to do.  And a dear friend asked if I was covered under the American with disabilities act because of my PTSD.  She said you need to be covered and appeal financial aide.  Amazing people came through, filled out all the forms and I was approved and accepted in the ODA office and received accommodations for the semester.  It was hard to admit though.  I try to be so strong and I don't want to be affected by my past, but truth be told I am and might always be I am just going to have to accept that.  That's also a new place that I am in, more on that later.  SO I spilled my guts to the worker , told them that I was overwhelmed that there was no room left in my head and people listened. People understood and  made things happen.  its one thing to know that you are affected bu trauma but to have others in school know that, it was hard but worth it.  And with being covered under that I again appealed my financial aid.  I sent all my paperwork in wrote a crazy long letter telling them everything they didn't want to hear but they needed to know. I wanted them to know that I wasn't making excuses but there are things in my life that have made being a student exceptionally hard.  I had not heard anything from financial aide so I called and asked if there was anything that I needed to do, and asked the status of my appeal.  That was about 9 am.  The guy was super nice said oh yea well no one has looked at it, so basically my appeal my life story was sitting on some fax machine but he was kind said he would get it sent to the correct people and that it should be taken care of shortly.  That people were in and out of the office but within a few days I should know something and told me to call back next week.  That after noon I got a call from a Tiffany.  I called right back left a message my voice shaking what was she going to tell me.  She would have no clue what was riding on this decision.  NO return call.  I called first thing in the morning, I didn't want to be a pest but if there was something that I needed to do, I wanted to get it done.  And at 10:24 the next day I answered the phone and it was Tiffany and she said I wanted you to know that I approved your financial aide.  And she let me know what I need to do and that everything would be taken care of.  There are no words, I wanted to put my arms up and dance and say thank you,  It was more than amazing and i am sure when I see her and fill out that final form I will cry, she has no idea that gift that she gave me as I complete this semester.  This is what I was meant to do and yet another piece is falling into place.  Piece after piece is gently and kindly falling exactly where its supposed to be and that is an amazing feeling.



And then there is my heart.  Oh yea, there have been such low lows and such high highs.  I have been more than blessed by people that don't know me, that are not my family.  And I have been hurt beyond repair from people who call themselves family.  Its been ever so confusing and hard.  My mother would watch the kids after school two days a week and it was rough really rough, I could feel my stomach turn as I made it to her house, often the kids were in tears, because of comments that were made that hurt my children's hearts.  In turn my heart was hurt and the most I usually got was a shrug of the shoulders.  In this I am learning to do whats best for my family for my children and I.   I am trying to keep smiling.  I am realizing that what I thought my healing was going to look like looks nothing like it at all.  I had visions of erasing my past and it not mattering at all, not hurting at all anymore, and honestly that is not an option.  That is not even a choice.  All of the things that I have been through all have some point some reason many I have not figured out yet, many I am not sure that I ever will.  I do know that I am where I am supposed to be, things are happening that are good for me and I am with people that care.  My heart hurts often, but its not as painful anymore.  I am trying to get over the last few years with my mother the damage that she has done , and can see nothing that she does is wrong.  My past is always going to be there, its not going anywhere.  There are going to be days when my past is really big and going forward, that's just how it is.  The more that I heal the more that I realize that I am going to have to enjoy the seasons when its not a big deal and let myself have the seasons when it feels huge.  My past is things that can not be undone or unseen but I won't let it define me either.  Each step forward there will be different things that I realize; different pieces that will fall into place and I will continue going forward becoming better.  

I have two weeks of peace, two weeks of writing and reading and playing games, and watching TV and I am so looking forward to it all.  I finally finally feel like all my hard hard work is paying off and I am getting somewhere.  I am sure that I am going to put Christmas music on and be thankful.  I am going to sit in front of the tree, with some hot tea and try to let it all soak in.  I am so much further than I ever thought I would be.   There was once a time that I was dragging my past like a huge black weighted ball, today the ball is still there but its manageable, I can at least carry it instead of dragging it and someday, I hope to be able to set it down and move away. I do not know when that will be but I am closer today than what I have ever been.  I can not believe how hard that I have worked.  And I can not believe the feeling, of coming this far and being so close to teaching, of standing on my own two feet with my children.  I can not change the past, I can not change my mother, I can just care for my family and soon my classroom, and all the kids in my class.  Things are coming together, getting easier and I am sure there will be battles for me but if I can win those that are behind me I am sure I can win the ones that are ahead of me.  I know that two years from now I am going to look back and again not believe how far I have come even from today.  My journey has often been unthinkable but it is becoming something extraordinary.  Next time is realizing that I am that close and I need to fill out my graduation papers.  Me Sherri Callahan graduating, what a huge monumental thing.  I can not get my head around that.....I am going to be a college graduate HAHAHAHA !!!!! WOOHOO L:)

The picture that I started with is from Kelly Rae Roberts and was my Christmas Present.  It puts this moment where I am into words :  Voyage toward truth by Kelly Rae

She was on a voyage toward, truth , love & profound transformation.
 She found courage Amidst the Storms and faith in her sails as she left the safety of the harbor for freedom, Dreams & Possibility.

Pretty perfect if you ask me.  Pretty Perfect. I heart your heart.  What a journey.

This song is it.  Its the little piece of peace I have found. Enjoy !

 

When the truth hurts

For you guys that know me life has been crazy hard.  Not even talking about the past but even just about the last few months.  NO support from my mother, little jabs at me to my children its all been there.  I have struggled so much this semester at school.  There was just so much work and my head was not at all prepared.  I am usually so organized; so on top of everything and this semester I was NOT.  I lost papers, missed deadlines, forgot about assignments, screwed up lessons. I have snapped at classmates, and   Being completly honest I was a mess. I can't even tell you the number of days that I cried between classes, walking through the halls. I am sure that many of my assignmetns were stained with tears. Because on top of all the daily stresses there was the stress of my mother, the stress of my past, the stress that I put on myself to make sure that I make a life for Vincent and Mariska.  The stress that its the kids and I and I have to be everything.  The stresses that its me, that they don't have a dad that they are bringing that up more and more and I don't have any answers for them. 

Right now my heart hurts.  Its the holidays and my brother is not coming here for Christmas. That bothers me more than I would like to admit, because we laugh until our sides hurt and it feels so good.  I am getting paid back for doing what was right and staying here for thanksgiving.    I wanted it to be just the kids but for Vincent I asked my mother to come and spend Christmas morning with us.  I DID Not do this for me, I did it for Vincent.  As nasty as she has been to me, he misses her.  And having her close on Christmas will just plain hurt.  She is not kind to me and does not include Mariska unless its convenient.  This is everything that a family is not suppossed to be.  So I will be glad that my Vincent will be happy, and I will keep Mariska close.  Which brings us to the issue this morning.

Poor sweet Vincent melted this morning. We were talking about our plans for Christmas Eve and Vincent pipes in saying, "well, granny invited us to go to church with her ?" I responded a quick harsh no, that we were going to do something else.  He said well than can I go with her ? and this is where it got messy. This is where the truth hurts.

I told him no, that I was not going to that church, that people there have not been kind, I will not step foot in a place with people , my mother, that can post many christian godly things, talk about god and blessings  and still do the things that she has done.  I told him that I understood that he loved her but she has not been kind to me and I will not go to church with her.  I reminded him how I always talk about how you have to be the same all the time, whether you are at home or at church, and that you are the same person around people , you can not change to get your needs met.  I told him that granny has really hurt mom and that is not ok and I will not go to church with her. 

Wheh.......that truth hurts.  For Sweet Vincent I am so very sorry.

I am more than hurt by my mother and I am not sure there is anything left to save really.  I feel bad for her, what she is doing how she is treating me and my little family.  All the little jabs little comments to my children. She plays the oh poor me, everyone hates me card all the time.  Well your mom doesn't love me anymore, Well I hope I don't get crumbs for Christmas, well well well ......No the problem is that you didn't want us around more.  And I was blessed , for that to happen. I love her so very much that it just hurts to much to be around her. She has changed more than words,   I can send texts asking about the car, or if we need help and there is never a responce.  Car wouldn't start no responce.  Windshield wipers broke nothing.  There is just nothing there. She wants to turn me off and on whenever she feels the need and that just doesn't work for me.

So my focus needs to be on where I am going next.  I made it through this semester.  I made it, with all A's and a C in Math. I did it.  With help from people who care, people watching my kids before and after school,  with an amazing place to live, with money for gas, for kindness for caring I have somehow made it to where I am.  I am somehow still breathing.    I am somehow smiling most of the time. I am where I am suppossed to be, with the people that I am suppossed to be with.  I am so close to closing the door of college and graduating and doing what I love, what I know that I meant to do. These things are more than amazing, and I will be joyful for Vincent for Mariska and that we are meant to be happy, that there is great joy waiting for us around this new year corner.

My 39th November

Well what I really want to say is a whole bunch of not nice words that would all come out at the same time and be so ugly my head would spin,  my eyes would roll , and people would not believe the things that I have been holding inside. That just is not my heart.  My mother and my brother have come close to squeezing the life out of me, and honestly the things that I have to say; they would not hear. They just simply incapable.  One guy was reading a story in my lit class and the line was "They couldn't find their ass-hole in an outhouse"  and I thought that was totally hysterical and then I thought that is so my family ! They can not see the person that I am, they don't see my heart.  They are so wrapped in their world, it is scary. They are all that matters.  So for as much as it hurts to not be supported by your family, as much as it hurts to be shrugged off, as much as it hurts that there is no compassion I am going to have to learn that's who they are. And LET GO.  I am going to have to let go.  I do not like the people that they are, they are of weak character and I won't be surrounded by people like that.  I can not be around people that smush my heart and don't look back.  I can not be around people that say things like well we thought it was best....it was crushing to be left out.

Last time I told them what I thought and how I was hurt when my brother was 30 minutes away and didn't call didn't see me or the kids and they didn't care...then they did it again two weeks later going to the Sate fair not calling us or inviting us to go and then showing my children the pictures....How cruel.  Why would they do that ?  Makes me so very sad and I have not spoken the words to my children, but in my head I promise next year I will take my children to the state fair myself.

When my car wouldn't start there was no response, no kindness she told me to ask about places in the area, I asked what I needed to do there was silence she honestly doesn't care, there is nothing for me...no feeling...its nothingness, thats the only word that I can think of to even begin to explain it ...I could walk to Denton and she would not even give me a second thought. The lack of any feeling for me is mind boggling, I keep saying but I haven't done anything wrong. My brain so badly wants to understand. My heart wants to scream at them, do they care how they are treating me ?    I haven't done anything wrong !!!!!  But that doesn't seem to matter because I can't and won't give her the attention that she wants so I have become the worst of the worst.

But I have been Blessed. Beyond words.  Beyond my understanding.

I had people telling me places to get my car looked at, I had people asking if I was OK.  I had people offering their cars for me.  Telling me that I could use their vehicle if I needed too! I had people offering their family to look at my car, I had people sitting with me while I got the oil changed, I had people helping me, that cared, that were doing what they could to help for that I am so very thankful. It was an overwhelming few days.  When people are supposed to be your family treat you like an outsider, yet people around me were being so kind going out of their way to help me that were not my family; WOW those are the people that matter that I want to spend my time with. These are the people that I want to be around and laugh and share with.

On this year my 39th November, things are so very different.  I am a different person in a different place.  Next week is Thanksgiving  and I will not be spending it with my family.  I can not smile and pretend that I am fine, I will not smile and cook dinner and be thankful with people that are not kind that do not include me.  I will not be around people that speak words like knives then give the person they were speaking about a hug. I will miss the drive to see my brother because I love road trips.  I will miss my brother and I laughing like crazy because that's what we do. I will miss my mothers stuffing, I will miss picking at the turkey, as soon as it comes out of the oven.  My children will not get to see their uncle for the first thanksgiving in their life. I will not drive to Victoria, where there is no support, no caring, and no respect.  I can not go there and be thankful, I will not go there and deal with the words that aren't said and the looks that could kill and the pretending that we are all glad to be there, One big happy family. I will not go there everyone ignoring the BIG PINK ELEPHANT.


So on this 39th year in my life on this thanksgiving, my heart will be a little sad, but my heart will be so full spent with caring, love, thankfulness and and a true spirit of kindness and joy and that is where my family wants to be. I might cry a little because cry is what I do. But I am going to meet new people,  I am going to try new things.  I am going to help serve meals and know that I could be one of those people,  I am going to go to the nutcracker with friends who call me family, I am going to decorate until this house shines like the top of the Chrysler building, with happiness and lights. And my nutcrackers, are going to be in the middle of every joy this season.  And I am going to sit in front of that beautiful tree with some hot tea, friends and be thankful. Thankful for all that I have in my life right in this very moment. This is the week that I was meant to have, this is the week that  I have right now in front of me.  This is the week that I have a little break from school and the kids and I are going to enjoy it. Every second, every moment . I am going to be grateful that I live with AN AMAZING FAMILY, and an amazing woman that I can look to who is more than an inspiration, I can call her my friend.  I am where I am supposed to be and though my heart hurts there is more gratefulness and thanksgiving than you can even imagine.

I heart your heart.  May your Thanksgiving be filled with people that make you feel loved and be thankful my Friends, be very thankful.



ME

My very own little earthquake

Yes something as simple as a lock was my very own little earthquake last night.  It usually is the simple things with me, isn't it? My very own little realization.  Its the little things that hurt that most, that dig at my heart like a knife. The things that you realize years later that have hurt your heart more now then they did at the time.  It was one of those moments.  I went to pick the kids up from my mothers house and noticed that there were new locks on the front door.  A new handle a new dead bolt.  Well when we lived there the dead bolt never worked, and she didn't much seem to care.  I shrugged it off just another thing that doesn't make sense to me she never cared before and then decides to fix it, when we are gone ? Out of the house? I don't understand.  Then Vincent was in tears that a project that he worked really hard on was in pieces in the garage on the floor.  I told him it was OK and to go open the garage and get it.  It was pouring I was exhausted, I had been at school all day it was close to 7, the kids had not eaten; I was done for the day.  My heart was already beating out of my chest; being near that house makes me want to run anyway.  But the code didn't work, he had to go back to the front door and have her open the garage from in the house.  My heart sank really why would she change the code ? I had thought she did another time and blew it off tonight there was no blowing it off, it was real.  I bought that garage door opener so the house would be safe; so no random person could open the garage and get in the house.  And she has changed the code on me ?  Why ?  What was the point ?  And changing the locks on the front door ?  She did that when my brother was a druggie ?  Why for me and the kids what in the world did I do ?  I would never go in her house with out her knowing, I just didn't understand ? I don't want anything that she has and what I do want she can never give me so what exactly is the POINT ?  Does she even have one ?

At first I was angry,more than angry. Why would she do all these things after we left like somehow it didn't matter when we were there ?  All of the sudden she is caring about the house and what it looks like and what is around and I don't understand.  So many things started running through my head, then  it was like a knife through my heart and I stopped breathing for a few seconds......We were at a red light and the only thought in my head....

We moved out she changed the locks, changed the code to get into the garage.  YET the house was broken into when  I was growing up and I was raped and not a thing was done. Not a fucking thing.  That is what hurt, that was the sting of a million stings. 

This is where my attitude of unforgivness, disrespect for her and my disobedience come in.... And she wonders WHY ?  

I seriously almost was laughing between all the tears on the way home, she changes the locks on me when the kids and i move out yet when I was assaulted nothing was done. NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING.  I can hear my fathers words still so very clear " well it doesn't look like anyone broke in" no jack ass probably because you gave them the key !, but that is besides the point.  Well OK then lets just pretend that everything is awesome then, Shall we, I mean who cares right ?!?!

And my head wouldn't stop repeating that over and over in my head.  I sometimes drive myself crazy with that stuff but it was a realization that was just unthinkable really, and of all the things I don't understand and will never understand there are still times I am completely and utterly amazed that I am even still a walking breathing human being. And i don't have a clue how I have even made it this far.

So for me there was not much sleep last night, So many things running around in my head, all of them wanting to get out to be released.  There are storms in my brain that I can't even put words to.  Soon this storm will pass, but today its raging.  And the thoughts are fast and furious

That Thought.   That wretched thought. Unimaginable. How dare her.....


We moved out she changed the locks, changed the code to get into the garage. YET the house was broken into when I was growing up and I was raped and not a thing was done. Not a fucking thing. That is what hurt, that was the sting of a million stings.

I feel like there are more and more things that are pointing to a total break from her.  I am relieved the semester is almost over and they will not have to stay with her.  I will not have to see her and be uncomfortable, I will not have to worry about her being inappropriate with my kids, or making little jabs at me .

I am trying so very hard to focus on the blessings and be grateful but this morning I heard the words,

 

 A silver lining sometimes isn't enough
To make some wrongs seem right.

 

And there is nothing absolutely nothing that can ever make this wrong right.

 

Here is the song, thanks for being a part of my story

 

I heart your heart.

Stitches

This could not be more perfect right now.  I want to cry everyday and am so grateful for the things that I do have in my life. 

I have been waiting on an appointment for some time and I got an email saying

I have not forgotten about you.

And that of coarse made me cry.

The other day,   she said to me I am so glad you are here, I don't think I tell you that often enough.

And my heart smiled. I matter.

This weekend an amazing group of women, filled a food pantry and I got to help. 

Such an experience. I found a piece of PEACE.

It was so awesome.  But the last few moments with momma`were the best.   

She stood there her hand on her heart and said" I don't think I want to go in there and see"

I asked her why, putting my hand on my shoulder, and she mentioned with her fingers down her face 

that she would cry. And tears began to fill her eyes.

 And my tears began, the kind that just come and I told her that it was ok.

She went on to say what a blessing it was, that she asked for what she needed and she got it.

I don't have a faith like that

life has often not been kind for me but I am most grateful for the things I have, the great kindnesses

that I have right this moment in my life.

Thanksgiving is right around the corner.

I am trying to balance the sadnesses and the blessings.

Of being invited for dinner and football and dancing with the Wii , with

kind kind kind kind kind people 

to not being welcomed or wanted by people who call themseves family

yes a very confusing time.

So many blessings, So many sadnesses, but yet more blessing.

There is not one thing I can change about right now.

I will be most grateful for each kindnesss.

 

I can be thankful for that.

In fifth grade

I think that I have figured out some of what my problem is.  Everyone knows that I have dreaded fifth grade, I have dreaded being in that class and teaching them.  They are big, they stink and they think that they run the world.  No it is not a secret; I am positive that I was not made to teach fifth grade.  Being in the class has me thinking why is it that I dislike them so much? Why is it that I dread going anywhere near fifth grade.  They are just kids in bigger bodies right ?  They are still kids that need teaching and love and direction  Right !?!


And then I figured it out...............I figured out another piece.........

I hate fifth grade because I hated my own year in fifth grade. I am scared of fifth grade because of what my experiences were.  I look at them and they are big, they are not little kids.  They know what is going on , they understand the things around them.  And it has hit me; hit me like a ton of bricks.  I hate the me that I was in fifth grade, that I couldn't stop what was happening to me, that I wasn't the little girl that didn't understand what was happening to her anymore.  I hate that I wasn't a little kid, a little girl that could make excuses for what Bob was doing .  I knew exactly what he was doing to me and there was no way to make it stop. I hate that I was older, I can excuse the little girl that was being raped, I can take the blame off of her, I understand that there was no way that I could have done things different, that I didn't totally understand what was even happening.  But I was big I was a big fifth grader and I knew what he was doing I knew way to much and that hurts my heart, it hurts my head.  I can not even sitting here get my head around all that happened.  I hate that I was older and that I knew things.  That I knew what he wanted, that I knew what he was going to do ....In very simple terms I don't feel like I was that  innocent little kid anymore  and I hate fifth grade me for that.  So really its is not fifth grade that I hate.  Its not the kids, I love working one on one with the kids in my class I hate that I was a kid that was hurt so much and had to deal with so many things in fifth grade.  I look at them and they are so naïve , so innocent still and I get upset that I couldn't be those things.  Most fifth graders worry who likes them, and who their friends are and boy bands and hair .  Me I was thinking none of those things.
 
I had a teacher that year that thought she was just fabulous.  I still remember that her favorite kid in the class was Cory Freede.  She could have cared less if I was in her class or not.  I really remember her puffy hair and her big smile, there  was something with her teeth that bothered me , though I am not sure what it was.  I had started gaining a little more weight.  I was constantly made fun of.  I was a loner , my heart hurt and no one seemed to care.  I had these orange terry cloth shorts that I loved, they were comfy and I loved the color, but I can remember lyndee Turner making fun of me outside by the portables and I was crushed.  These were my favorite shorts, I really liked them.  And I remember no one sticking up for me.  Her words still ring in my ears, the laughing and the pointing, CRAZY !

Homework was an issue there was not much sleep happening at night and I was exhausted all the time. My body hurt, my head hurt, my heart hurt.  And I wasn't turning in my homework.  So on a rainy , stormy day my father came to school to find out what was happening why I wasn't turning in my assignments. When if anyone would have asked I would have said he was the problem.  Everyone was already in class I was sitting at my desk and he basically went a little crazy dumping out my desk , belittling me and screaming .......I can see how the chairs were in a rectangle around the room, I can see the writing wall that was behind me with my story about the vet and the dinosaur, I can remember hearing the thunder and thinking couldn't he just be hit by lightning please ?  Please?  It was exceptionally dark because of the storm and everything around us was damp and cold.  Everyone was getting ready for the day, until he came in and the world stopped.  I remember feeling very small and no one stood up for me.  The teacher stood by her desk and watched him berate me, the students stood in shock, and I sat in my chair quietly crying.  It was honestly an out of body, I can see it all in my head I can hear the storm but from him I remember nothing.  I don't remember his words but I remember his beety eyes and how I knew that he hated me. He was tearing my desk apart, throwing things and not one person did a thing.  I don't know how he left but I was on my own and I cleaned up the mess behind him, just as I always did.  Yep I am pretty sure that the storm that was raging outside was a sign of the storm that was happening in my heart as well.  This was my life.

And of coarse there was the abuse, it was pretty constant.  I feel my chest getting heavy and I want to throw things I want to run and never stop and I think OH MY GOD I was older.  Like when I was little I can give you every detail like I never forgot a thing, as I got older all I wanted to do was forget because I knew it all I knew what he was doing what he wanted and what was expected and I hate that so very much.  I hate that I was a big kid.  I hate that I was older.   I remember so few details from when I was older, because I think I had gotten so good at just pretending I was fine that I wasn't even there anymore. I got great at shutting myself off, it's something that comes natural  and I am really  grateful. Somewhere in my head I would just leave, just go away.  Like somehow in my head I can accept that he did those things when I was little, like 5 and 6 somehow I can understand that and I can know that there was nothing I could do that it was not my fault.  BUT....I see those big kids and I just shake my head, they are big not so little anymore and I think maybe all this time I have believed that somehow he just thought I was my mother and that excuse doesn't work when I see those fifth graders.  NO excuse I could ever come up covers what he was doing when I was in fifth grade.  He knew exactly what he was doing.  I see those big kids and I think he knew what he was doing, he knew he was hurting me  and he just didn't care.   Its the realization that I was just like those fifth graders and that was happening to me  and its a realization that I don't want to see or acknowledge.

You know the big "talk " that everyone gets in fifth grade about body parts and how babies are made.  And how our bodies are changing.  I can remember sitting in the classroom with all the other girls and a few moms and everyone being totally grossed out.  Like they could not believe what they were hearing or seeing and I sat there looking out the window that had been my life since I was five.  There was no new information and I sank inside, how disgusting am I. That innocence those girls had was something I wanted but knew it was long gone.  I was different. 

I had already gotten my period in fifth grade and  I was scared. I got it before the big "talk" movie, and honestly I didn't know if it was because of what was happening to me or what it was.     I remember my father being furious.  I can remember his eyes when he found out. He stared at me like I did something terrible. You would have thought I murdered somebody he was that angry.  Most of the rapes stopped after that  I say most I think he was scared I would get pregnant, but honestly I don't have a clue because it didn't stop all of them I guess there were times he couldn't control himself and got what he wanted anyway when ever he wanted to. I will skip the details that run in my head but there was still  plenty of abuse going on and I was slowly falling apart. Piece by Piece by Piece.

So no I guess that I don't totally hate fifth grade I hate what it means to me.  I know that I can be a help, I know that I can teach them many things including math.  I know that in fifth grade I can make a difference. I know that I will notice and care for their little hearts. After all this being said there is still some work to do.  My heart does get sad in fifth grade and I have to learn that my life experiences are different.  I have to learn that what happened to me was more than devastating and it makes me see things different.  I get frustrated, I do see these fifth graders different, I see them through my eyes and all I experienced and they are hard to love.  Only they are not hard to love , its me.  Its me at that age that is hard to accept.  So I guess you can't make something better if you don't acknowledge it, So there it is; why I struggle with fifth grade and someday this will not hurt my heart anymore. I just want to make it better.  I just want to fix it. I just want to fix fifth grade me.

If you have gotten this far, thank you for reading my story, As I try to figure it all out. Someday I will.
~ I heart your heart~

Crazy Life

There are oh so many thoughts and tears and yet my fingers feel like lead. So much that I want to say, but I open my mouth and nothing. There are words that are being silenced in my head and in my heart, and I try to smile and pretend that everything is ok, it is not.  My heart is weary and hurt and I have so many blessings to be thankful for but my heart is just sooooo heavy.  Its more than hard to be so very grateful and more than sad all at the same time. I could not even count the blessings on my two hands, using all my fingers.  I have received so much these last few weeks but I have nothing to give back.

I feel like I need so much and nothing bothers me more.  I mean I should be able to do so many things for myself like provide for gas and parking and clothes for my children and so on and so on, but there is nothing there.  I don't know.......

I have come SOOO far...I have finally made it to student teaching and for everything to happen like it has...I feel like such a burden and I dont feel like I am keeping anything together. My family has wiped their hands, my school is suffering, and I feel like I am on my kids all the time.

Wednesday morning one of the guys that is in my classes saw me dropping the kids off and he came and gave me a hug, said to have a good day and I was about to burst into tears.  You know its not good when someone gives you a hug and you don't want to let go.  And I think if I could just stay here and hold on for just a little while I will be stronger in just a few minutes.  But for those minutes can you help me carry the load that I carry ?  Seriously that is what I am thinking.....I am carrying the weight of so much...and my knees are buckling. Believe me I know that I am not the only one that has things going on; whose heart is aching and if I could I would heal those hearts around me  in a split second, but I can not.  I can just smile and help when I can. 

I am worried about my children.  I picked Mariska up after my class Monday ans she was in tears for oh so many reasons, her heart is not taken care of and that crushes mine.  Vincent is in the middle and does not understand.  She has wiped her hands clear of me and it hurts.  She tells Vincent oh we are going to have to spend the day together.....but nothing for Mariska.  She tells my children that she wants to make our family bond stronger, I can tell you there is no bond.  She wants my children to spend the night, no I take that back she really wants Vincent to spend the night.  IT hurts my heart and Mariska knows she is not cared for like Vincent.  I don't know its crazy. Such a hard crazy time. I know Vincent feels torn, and I try to make that as easy as I can.  Mariska gets her heart hurt often and I just let her know its ok we are a family and we will make it.

For me the flashbacks at school are many, the feeling that my heart is going to beat out of my chest is constant, and the tears come often, AT SCHOOL.  I am so close to the end so close to my degree, so close to so much yet not there yet.    Even my joy in the classroom is being affected.  Its there but I am working hard to even find that, and am holding on for dear life.  Where I live ther is peace and so much kindness that I can never repay, never be grateful enough for and that is the only thing keeping me afloat.  Such a crazy time.  I know it will pass, I will soon be done with school and providing all that I should but today, today is not that day and this season is more than rough. 

I need a Landline.

You know on Grey's Anatomy how Meredith and blah always say "your my people".  They are there all the time good and bad and they care for each other.   I have always loved that.  I want people to call my people, all around me people have their husbands, friends they have had for a really long time. 

Then there is me. Then there is me. Then there is me.  It just how things go.

I kind of have to laugh, I do see myself different, just a fact.  Not like a different planet different, but I see life different, I experience life different. I mean I LOVE whales with a passion that people can't understand.  I worry about children like you would not believe.  I care for others hearts with such gentle care.  In the end there is me. 


I don't have people, I don't have a person.  I have these short relationships that are amazing for a season then they are gone.  I can ask the questions why all day, and there are days that I do believe me.  I could write lists of why people don't stay around, of things I could change, of things I should have never said, or things I should have said but nothing changes.  I have people for seasons.  What exactly does that mean for me ?  Honestly I am not sure.  If I had any answers I would want some people to stick around, I would want "My People", I would want a land line.

I think I do have a landline, but wow that is a lot to ask.  I need a resident land line , someone that lives in the same state that I can ask my crazy questions too, that I can just be me with. 

There have been a few times I think wow, I think I finally found it, then like that, gone.  gone. gone.  its not like I am a recluse or anything don't laugh, well I am not. I just need patience and time.

For an example me moving.  I had people come help me pack and bring boxes and tissue to wrap my things.  I had people helping me move, I had people bringing their husbands which I am more than grateful for !!!  I mean it would have been me with out these people.  I had people putting bunk beds together and buying lunch and on and on and on....things were taken care ...... And all of that was fabulous, more than amazing.  Carrie W asked me up in the kids room how I was !?  I stopped for a quick second..and stared "She said a little overwhelmed ?  and     I kinda shook my head.  I was more overwhelmed than I ever wanted to admit.  I have people show up like that for me when there are no other options but on an everyday I am on my own.

Part of that is totally me, I don't let people in, don't share always smile like everything is completely fabulous , but I am SOOOOO not...part of it is totally me but there is another part that is not.  And that part I don't get.  I just don't know why.  I have asked and people say no your name comes up and people smile and say they like me and blah blah. But when it comes to the ugly of my life, when it comes to my sad fragile heart it is just me and that is the place that I need someone that is where I need a land line.  Someone to keep me connected to the world, someone to make sure that I don't fade away.   I could possible be asking for too much, maybe that's the problem.  I just don't know but I need a constant, I need a person to understand and hear me.  I need a person to push and make sure that I am ok.  Maybe some people don't need that but I do, I really really do.