Crazy Life

There are oh so many thoughts and tears and yet my fingers feel like lead. So much that I want to say, but I open my mouth and nothing. There are words that are being silenced in my head and in my heart, and I try to smile and pretend that everything is ok, it is not.  My heart is weary and hurt and I have so many blessings to be thankful for but my heart is just sooooo heavy.  Its more than hard to be so very grateful and more than sad all at the same time. I could not even count the blessings on my two hands, using all my fingers.  I have received so much these last few weeks but I have nothing to give back.

I feel like I need so much and nothing bothers me more.  I mean I should be able to do so many things for myself like provide for gas and parking and clothes for my children and so on and so on, but there is nothing there.  I don't know.......

I have come SOOO far...I have finally made it to student teaching and for everything to happen like it has...I feel like such a burden and I dont feel like I am keeping anything together. My family has wiped their hands, my school is suffering, and I feel like I am on my kids all the time.

Wednesday morning one of the guys that is in my classes saw me dropping the kids off and he came and gave me a hug, said to have a good day and I was about to burst into tears.  You know its not good when someone gives you a hug and you don't want to let go.  And I think if I could just stay here and hold on for just a little while I will be stronger in just a few minutes.  But for those minutes can you help me carry the load that I carry ?  Seriously that is what I am thinking.....I am carrying the weight of so much...and my knees are buckling. Believe me I know that I am not the only one that has things going on; whose heart is aching and if I could I would heal those hearts around me  in a split second, but I can not.  I can just smile and help when I can. 

I am worried about my children.  I picked Mariska up after my class Monday ans she was in tears for oh so many reasons, her heart is not taken care of and that crushes mine.  Vincent is in the middle and does not understand.  She has wiped her hands clear of me and it hurts.  She tells Vincent oh we are going to have to spend the day together.....but nothing for Mariska.  She tells my children that she wants to make our family bond stronger, I can tell you there is no bond.  She wants my children to spend the night, no I take that back she really wants Vincent to spend the night.  IT hurts my heart and Mariska knows she is not cared for like Vincent.  I don't know its crazy. Such a hard crazy time. I know Vincent feels torn, and I try to make that as easy as I can.  Mariska gets her heart hurt often and I just let her know its ok we are a family and we will make it.

For me the flashbacks at school are many, the feeling that my heart is going to beat out of my chest is constant, and the tears come often, AT SCHOOL.  I am so close to the end so close to my degree, so close to so much yet not there yet.    Even my joy in the classroom is being affected.  Its there but I am working hard to even find that, and am holding on for dear life.  Where I live ther is peace and so much kindness that I can never repay, never be grateful enough for and that is the only thing keeping me afloat.  Such a crazy time.  I know it will pass, I will soon be done with school and providing all that I should but today, today is not that day and this season is more than rough.