I need a Landline.

You know on Grey's Anatomy how Meredith and blah always say "your my people".  They are there all the time good and bad and they care for each other.   I have always loved that.  I want people to call my people, all around me people have their husbands, friends they have had for a really long time. 

Then there is me. Then there is me. Then there is me.  It just how things go.

I kind of have to laugh, I do see myself different, just a fact.  Not like a different planet different, but I see life different, I experience life different. I mean I LOVE whales with a passion that people can't understand.  I worry about children like you would not believe.  I care for others hearts with such gentle care.  In the end there is me. 


I don't have people, I don't have a person.  I have these short relationships that are amazing for a season then they are gone.  I can ask the questions why all day, and there are days that I do believe me.  I could write lists of why people don't stay around, of things I could change, of things I should have never said, or things I should have said but nothing changes.  I have people for seasons.  What exactly does that mean for me ?  Honestly I am not sure.  If I had any answers I would want some people to stick around, I would want "My People", I would want a land line.

I think I do have a landline, but wow that is a lot to ask.  I need a resident land line , someone that lives in the same state that I can ask my crazy questions too, that I can just be me with. 

There have been a few times I think wow, I think I finally found it, then like that, gone.  gone. gone.  its not like I am a recluse or anything don't laugh, well I am not. I just need patience and time.

For an example me moving.  I had people come help me pack and bring boxes and tissue to wrap my things.  I had people helping me move, I had people bringing their husbands which I am more than grateful for !!!  I mean it would have been me with out these people.  I had people putting bunk beds together and buying lunch and on and on and on....things were taken care ...... And all of that was fabulous, more than amazing.  Carrie W asked me up in the kids room how I was !?  I stopped for a quick second..and stared "She said a little overwhelmed ?  and     I kinda shook my head.  I was more overwhelmed than I ever wanted to admit.  I have people show up like that for me when there are no other options but on an everyday I am on my own.

Part of that is totally me, I don't let people in, don't share always smile like everything is completely fabulous , but I am SOOOOO not...part of it is totally me but there is another part that is not.  And that part I don't get.  I just don't know why.  I have asked and people say no your name comes up and people smile and say they like me and blah blah. But when it comes to the ugly of my life, when it comes to my sad fragile heart it is just me and that is the place that I need someone that is where I need a land line.  Someone to keep me connected to the world, someone to make sure that I don't fade away.   I could possible be asking for too much, maybe that's the problem.  I just don't know but I need a constant, I need a person to understand and hear me.  I need a person to push and make sure that I am ok.  Maybe some people don't need that but I do, I really really do.