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| My Fragile Heart |
There have been oh so many mountains in my life. Some little some huge, others life threatening. Some mountains have names others are entire situations. These mountains right now are Andy and Bella. And the stresses from right now are making them even bigger. I understand that things happened oh so long ago, And I CAN say that I have come a long way. But I still have a ways to go and I am realizing that as much as I would like to be done with my history forever, I am not going to get there. A history like mine doesn't just end. I will have to deal as things come up. I am trying , trying so very hard but I am not winning.
I have been fighting this for a few weeks now, and its not going away. I am trying to figure out how to make the knot in my gut go away. Its burning, its cold, its suffocating its unimaginable. I can't even put words to it, its a feeling you never want to experience but can't make it go away. Its a part of who I am though I wish that it was not.
There is no easy way to write but it my head there are moments that are exploded in time. Moments that I will never forget. Moments that are burned in my soul, in my heart in my mind. moments that are as vivid today as they are the day that they happened. I remember way to much. I remember the little details, the way someones hands look, looks on their faces, their smell, its these things that are burnt into my head. Words that are said, sounds that are heard.
Well to explain who he is. Well I guess who he was, because in this time and place I don't know a thing about him really other than the day that he spent in my house. But I can tell you that he still affects me. I see people that remind me of his kindness and I want to curl up in a ball and cry. I don't know his last name. I don't know his family, I honestly don't know a thing about him, but I know that he was the only person that showed me any kindness that violent day when I was 13. He was the only person who told them to stop he was the only person, who treated me like I was a real living breathing, feeling person . Its hard to put him in a category really but that day he wasn't like the other 4. He wasn't cruel, he wasn't taunting, he wasn't evil. I think that he was just as scared as I was. I think its safe to say that he is a big reason why I even made it out of that day alive. And all of me is grateful. I often wish to see him just once to tell him thank you, to thank him for his kindness. I hope that he doesn't remember that day like I do. Just to have a conversation with him. I hope he has a family and is happy. I wish him all good things. All Good Things.
Andy.
Here is the moment that I first saw him. That he looked at me and our eyes connected, I was only half conscience but I saw him. It must have been middle morning. Don had been there since early morning hurting me doing whatever he wanted. It wasn't pretty. It was not good. This was the second time that he had come. I couldn't understand why he hadn't left yet. OK rape me then leave, but this time he wasn't going anywhere. I can remember his words , he was calling someone saying that they were going to have a great day, that I was ready. My brain was half listening, half somewhere else. Ready for what , I thought ? I knew what it was like to be hurt, but this was different. I guess Don let them in, all I remember was opening my eyes again and there were 4 more men standing around. I say men they were probably in their late teens. My thoughts were all over the place. Are they going to help ? WHY ? Why would four more men come ? I didn't understand. They were all standing around laughing pointing. I was so ashamed, more than humiliated and with in seconds I knew. One of them started to undress. The panic was unimaginable. Not only was I going to be hurt there were going to be others. It was when you are screaming in every bone of your body but no sounds come. And I shaking and pleading and wishing; I looked at Andy, our eyes locked and he said he was sorry. He was sorry for what was happening to me. He didn't want to be there, he didn't like or enjoy what was going on. And he looked away. I was grateful, that he wasn't watching When they brought me to the living room, he kept telling them to be careful. There were times he would tell them to stop. Times that he would say he wanted his turn, but he didn't he just wanted them to stop. There was a time they brought me in the bedroom, and each took their turn with the door closed. I was more than hysterical. At this point death was looking like an option, I just wanted one of them to kill me finish me off because I don't want to live through this little lone live after this. But Andy came in the room and I was a complete mess. I wasn't making sense, I was crying and fighting. I was in a state of shock, not really being there but experiencing every moment. I did think he was going to take his turn and I was done, something snapped and I was fighting with what ever I could grasp. It was Andy that talked to me told me it was ok, he had a washcloth for me, he cleaned me up, wiped my face. He covered me with a blanket. With that kindness, I melted. I broke down, and I couldn't believe what had gone on that day. I am sure that if it were not for Andy all those hours, I never would have made it out alive. He only hurt me once that day, and as crazy as it is, he didn't do it to hurt me or prove that he could. I think he did it because he was as scared of Don as I was and there is no telling what would have happened to him. He didn't watch the others, and there were a few times I can remember wanting to see him, just to know who I was. His eyes , I can still see his eyes. I can hear him telling me that he was sorry. Oh my heart, my poor heart I am grateful he was there that day.
And this semester at school there is a guy in my classes, all four of my classes that has eyes like Andy. And of all the people he is in my small group. And I see him and I want to melt. He looks at me and I see Andy seeing me on that bed. I see Andy telling me that everything is ok. I know that he is not, I know he doesn't have a clue what has happened to me. He has long curly blond hair, a great smile. He is kind and genuine and I want him to hold me tell me that everything is going to be ok. He makes me laugh. I am hoping that this knot that this creates in my stomach will go away soon. I am writing and writing and writing trying to figure out where my head is, trying to be normal, trying to fit in and I feel like nothing is working. My poor heart. I didn't want to live through that day, but I did. I survived that day and I just want someone to be sorry. Like Andy was sorry. Like Andy cared.
So I am trying to concentrate on my classes and this mountain, this huge MOUNTAIN has to rear its ugly head and I don't know what to do. My heart is all over the place, and I am fighting with all that I have. It makes me feel so vulnerable, so fragile and those are the worst feelings. When Casey looks at me in class I want to crumble. I know how long its been, I know that it is not Andy, I KNOW KNOW all these things but my heart it still hurts over that day, and I know that there is still work to be done.
Isabella.
Then there is sweet Bella. Lately I seem to be hearing that name EVERYWHERE and I am not ok with it. With so much stress and everything going on, its making me super sad. In my class at school there is a Bella. There are restaurants named Bella. There is a Bella in my children's class. I seem to be hearing that name way more than I would like and it tears my heart.
That day with Andy is when I got pregnant with her. I do not know which of them is the father, but I always hoped that it was Andy, because he was the kindness in that day. He was the soft place, he was the sanity in that hell. And I wished that she was his. But today it still hurts my heart, she would be 25. I am at a much better place, I know that things happen for a reason and I am grateful for the 24 weeks or so that I had with her. That day in 1988 came close to killing me, but Bella gave me something to live for. She gave me a reason to live, a reason to grow a reason to fight. And again I am grateful. She will always be in my heart, I will never forget her first kicks and loving it. Every now and then I revisit all that she made me feel and I smile. I lived in such a fairy tale world where everything was going to be ok, but in that time, in that year that is what I needed. I needed her to help me survive. Once I lost her I found the strength to fight for myself. I have shared about her a few times, sometimes there is kindness sometimes there is silence. She kept me going, became my world. I still dream of her often. The good that can come from such a thing. I have dreamt of her in the arms of a dear friend before I even really knew her. So yes my Bella. Perfect. Who ever her father was doesn't change a thing, but for me to think it was Andy makes it better.
So with all the stresses of moving and student teaching and the classwork of four classes I am also dealing with my mountains. My heart is feeling fragile, tender, and I hate to say so very sad. I keep smiling, keep trying keep moving forward but I am always going to have these mountains, they will always be there, but someday they won't hurt so much. Someday I will be ok on the days they come up. Someday I won't want to melt when someone reminds me of Andy. Someday I will smile when I hear the name Bella and know that we were a team for those months that she was mine. Someday that day with Andy won't be so vivid and I won't remember every detail. Someday soon I hope, but today is not that day, and that has to be ok.
For a few days, maybe weeks these mountains may win, my heart will ache, it will feel fragile and cracked but I will win in the end. I haven't made it this far to give up now.
~I heart your heart~
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