Not Beautiful

NO I am not beautiful, I don't have many friends.  I don't often know what to say.  I don't fit in much of anywhere. I see things different I think about different things. I carry the world and worry about saving others saving things.  I write to get all that is in my heart a place to live.  I am strange, I am different I sing in my car, I am a mad shower singer.  I love with my whole heart, I fear with everything that I am . I fight with a passion for the things that I believe in. Whales , Children wanting to make the world better.  I believe fiercely and will give it all I have.  I love with my whole heart and yet am the one that is most often left.  I cry myself to sleep, no one to care for my broken heart. People used to tell me to fake it until I fake it, that is not in my bones I am just me  I am not the outgoing one, I am not the one that enjoys loud and obnoxious.    I have been laughed at and torn apart and still here I am.  I have never been a favorite, never been in love never been the first one to be called never the first to anything , never the first never the first. I am not the one that is thought of not the one that is remembered.  Mostly life is lived alone.  Afraid to be a burden or a pest.  Afraid that my feelings don't go both ways and I will once again be laughed at and made fun of.  That has been most of my life.  Always an outlier, never a be longer. I mean lets face it my luck of having people stay is close to zero.  Val and Neil are keepers and they are forever, they just aren't the every day forever.  For me there is not much difference because when there are no foreevers even the far away ones you hold on to them as tightly as you can. I promise you I hold on to them for dear life.  The same with Mark, I think that he is a forever and that terrifies me.  But right now I try not to worry about it and hold on to every second those are the moments that I feel worthy, that I feel cared for that I feel like things are going to get better. I have to believe that he is going to be different that even after I don't see him he will still think of me and say hello.  In every inch of my heart I believe that he is a piece of forever that I have never known.  Someday someway I am going to believe all those nice things that Mark ells me that he keeps telling me, that he believes about me until  I can believe them for myself.  Maybe I am meant to have very few people and in that case I am the luckiest person there is to even have a few.

I heart your heart .

I am not one for baby steps

Yes. This.  There is so much hurt I often worry that one more time one more hurt one more abuse, one more rape, one more time someone taking what isn't theirs, one more time someone leaving, being left yet again and my heart just won't make it, it would be the end of me . I would be somewhere else more than millions of miles away curled up in a corner void of anything.  I want to be better, I want to let my arms down stop keeping everything at bay, stop trying to fight and in my screwed up head that feels like they win. And I don't want to let them win. I feel like if I let them win, then what was the point.



I am always in fight mode. I have to fight at home at work in my head.  On any given day there are so many battles being fought that sometimes I don't even have a clue what the battle is about.  There is Vincent who treats me like a friend who does what he wants when he wants and is most often disrespectful and rude. He questions my every move,  and it kills me.  He tell me to chill I can't tell you how many times in a day and doesn't see a thing wrong with it.  I can not win with him no matter what I do.   At home there is always a battle something I didn't do enough or the right way or things I should and shouldn't have done with my children.  I just want to peacefully live in my own home at rest. I want there to be a time of rest where I can do what  I need, rest when I need to rest and write and do my journals when I need to do them.  Work is another story. I love my team they are more than awesome but when you know that the administrator doesn't like you,  it feels like no matter what is done I can never win.  Nothing is ever enough or the right way and that is wearing.

And then on top of all that there is me trying to heal this heart of mine, wanting so much to be in a better place to understand the things that I think and feel.  I am more than grateful that I have Mark and feel more than lucky that I am valuable and important that he takes time and doesn't see me as a bother or a pest.  Just hearing these things make me be able to breathe a little less heavy.

Then there is this house.  It is such a stress I don't make enough money to care for this huge house.  There is the fence that needs repair, the table that is on its way out the bushes out front that are so overgrown I am not sure how we haven't gotten a notice from the homeowners yet. There is the grass and the upkeep and the paint that I can't find a match for and the furniture that smells like dog.  I feel like its just too much and 200 hundred dollars a month doesn't even begin to cover all of the extra's.  There are so many things that need my undivided attention and trying to do it all with many things reminding me of the house that I grew up in I am spent.

I heart your heart .