NO I am not beautiful, I don't have many friends. I don't often know what to say. I don't fit in much of anywhere. I see things different I think about different things. I carry the world and worry about saving others saving things. I write to get all that is in my heart a place to live. I am strange, I am different I sing in my car, I am a mad shower singer. I love with my whole heart, I fear with everything that I am . I fight with a passion for the things that I believe in. Whales , Children wanting to make the world better. I believe fiercely and will give it all I have. I love with my whole heart and yet am the one that is most often left. I cry myself to sleep, no one to care for my broken heart. People used to tell me to fake it until I fake it, that is not in my bones I am just me I am not the outgoing one, I am not the one that enjoys loud and obnoxious. I have been laughed at and torn apart and still here I am. I have never been a favorite, never been in love never been the first one to be called never the first to anything , never the first never the first. I am not the one that is thought of not the one that is remembered. Mostly life is lived alone. Afraid to be a burden or a pest. Afraid that my feelings don't go both ways and I will once again be laughed at and made fun of. That has been most of my life. Always an outlier, never a be longer. I mean lets face it my luck of having people stay is close to zero. Val and Neil are keepers and they are forever, they just aren't the every day forever. For me there is not much difference because when there are no foreevers even the far away ones you hold on to them as tightly as you can. I promise you I hold on to them for dear life. The same with Mark, I think that he is a forever and that terrifies me. But right now I try not to worry about it and hold on to every second those are the moments that I feel worthy, that I feel cared for that I feel like things are going to get better. I have to believe that he is going to be different that even after I don't see him he will still think of me and say hello. In every inch of my heart I believe that he is a piece of forever that I have never known. Someday someway I am going to believe all those nice things that Mark ells me that he keeps telling me, that he believes about me until I can believe them for myself. Maybe I am meant to have very few people and in that case I am the luckiest person there is to even have a few.
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