A forever ?

I am trying to figure out what exactly that means ? What does my forever mean ? I am finding that my definition of forever;  well I am finding there isn't one and that I am totally using the wrong word.  Of maybe even I have no clue what the word means at all   For me there is no Forever, there is no one thing that I can count on without a doubt, except Mark holding space for me each Tuesday and my sweet Mariska.  Even writing that at 45, seriously.     I mean because really there is no forever nothing is for sure except death, taxes and change.  And I think that I hold on to the things in my life because that is a one constant thing that I have known.  As awful terrible tragic that all those things were that is what I know that is what I know will be there in every sense of forever.

So my forever broke me, shattered me into millions of little pieces and I am trying to find my way back. My way back to something that I have no clue what it means, what it truly is  or what is there when I can finally let go a little. I am fighting my way back to something that I have never known and am not sure that I fully understand, and seriously how terrifying is that.  I find kindness I find a listening heart and I hold on for dear life and that scares me am I just holding on until the next person leaves and someone else comes in.  I don't want to do that.  I want to hold on for the mere fact that it is real and kind and everything that my heart needs. To be cared for and my heart held when it just can't take any more hurt.  How does a 45 year old woman long for that and that be ok. How does a 45 year old woman ask to be a forever patient ?   It feels absolutely awful, and each second I hold my breath hoping that maybe each time I find someone that the need to hold on won't be so intense and it will be a feeling that I can walk away be on my own and still know that they are there. That they are not worried about time, or anything other than caring because I am me.

Yea there is no forever, but for me I can make my children a promise that I am always there, whatever they need.  It may be quiet it may be fighting it may be holding their heart until they know they are ok but that is an always.  I am hoping that this is enough and maybe someday in my fighting in my struggle to thrive I will find all that my heart long for in places that I least expect it.