I want to be like them

I get disappointed often that I am not like them that I feel like they are in a tribe that I just don't belong too.  They are true survivors, they are strong and brave and they speak with clarity, and confidence that I just don't have.  I hear their names and I hold my heart and think someday I will be like that, someday I will find the right words someday I will have that power and grace and people will hear me.  People have said  that I am sure that these women have their days when they don't feel so strong and I am sure that they do..  But there is a sense of themselves that they have, that I feel is so very far away for me.  They can sit with their head up high and know that they survived, they have an innocence that I can see that I am in awe of.  Names like Jaycee Dugard, Elizabeth Smart , Chanel Miller I would do anything to have a few minutes with them and ask so many questions.  How is it that you still have that spark ? They have this light that is so bright that makes others notice. How is it that they are so present with themselves ?  How is it that they are so elegant in their words.  Not the things that happened to them but how they convey how they feel and what they think.  All of these women are so well spoken , brave and honest and oh so true.  I want to be one of those girls I want to be a girl that is finally comfortable in her skin.  I want to be a strong competent and unwavering voice to do things different and have others be able to hear.  I want to be a person that speaks and people will listen even when its the unimaginable.  I think as a survivor there is some inner sense that I can see, some inner knowing that I don't have yet.  I think I almost feel like they have some kind of secret, a piece of healing  that I am not lucky enough to have yet. I feel like I am on my way there, that is what I fight for but more often than not  I have that panic and doubt and self loathing that I am still so affected. 

No I do not know these women ,  I see a certain side that is displayed in public. But I know them more than your average person.  I have a certain understanding of different parts of them, the ones that they share and speak about.  As a woman that has experienced the unimaginable they have something that I just don't have yet.  Like many other things there is a piece I can see in them that I long for.   I look forward to the day I can sit with the things that have happened and there never be a single thread of doubt that I deserve all the good things in the world.  I want to be a woman who is comfortable in her skin and more than worthy to be loved, to be cared for and to be understood and valued .  Someday. Someday.  Someday I want to feel like I belong in the group with them.  I will be strong yet soft, vulnerable yet confident and I will be brave and speak from my heart for all the girls that can't yet speak.  That is what I want.  That is my wish. 

I heart your heart.