You know I truly hate those scales because for someone like me we just can't use them. Because for some a ten might be a toothache, to others a ten might be close to death. Because My one may be someone else's off the chart. My ten maybe someones 6 feet under. So yes I hate those scales because people take my 5, as well that's not bad when literally I have little breath left. I think its all a matter of perspective. All I know is my own pain scale and I don't even say a word until I am literally jumping off the scale. And that is not a great place to be because people don't often understand the urgency of the problem. If it hurts enough for me to talk about I need you to listen, if i tell you to stop its because its off the charts and I really don't know how to get others to understand that.
When you grow up and things hurt, and you are in pain and no one notices, and no one listens you learn to deal with them. You never say a word, you don't tell people, you just keep going. So for me to say something actually say something, I need you to listen. I need you to hear and I need you to respect. When I pull away, I am not being a baby, its not like a little oh that hurts; its painful and I need you to stop. I only say a word when its something more than serious, when I need help when I can no longer do things on my own or deal with what is going on. This is more than hard to explain to people really because people just don't understand. I do not have a clue how to fix this how to make it better.
I know that I have always feared being one that complains all the time, being that one that something is always physically wrong. I grew up in a house like that. There were things wrong with my parents all the time. I mean every second of every day and things were exaggerated and there were always more and more dr appointments. I went exactly the opposite saying nothing was hurting and just ignore ignore ignore.
I know that there has got to be some kind of happy medium, being able to say when something hurts and that be ok it doesn't mean that you want attention or that you want people all around you making you feel better, that is not it. If I tell you something hurts whether physically or emotionally that is really big. And more often than not in my life my things that hurt have not been taken seriously or others have thought I am over-reacting when really the problem is that that the load has gotten to heavy to carry and I need help. I need support I need someone to be there and lend an ear. I need someone to hear and see where I am coming from with no excuses for any other thing or person. My feelings my pain are there its real and there is no excuse or action in the world , no words that, no sticking up for other people that will make it go away. It's there its real its my own and the pain that I feel the things that have been done and said hurt, there is never any excuse or lack of understanding or looking the other way that will help a crushed heart. Never. Just understand where I am and see the pain acknowledge it, see me. That is all.
I heard this tonight and it stopped me in my tracks. I long for peace for more than anything that feelings of being comfortable in your own skin. More often than not I don't like being in my skin and would do almost anything to pretend that it doesn't even exist. I feel like there are still pieces that are missing I think that I have the border strong and together, I have those outside pieces to keep everything inside the boundaries but there are lots of things that are still floating around with no place to call home. Sometimes I am able to rest in those outside and think wow, things are so together but then I take a look or get to part with very few pieces or a lot of pieces that don't seem to fit and I get overwhelmed. There are pieces that I have put together but there are also things that are missing.
And I believe that a huge part of that is that I have never felt whole.At different times there have always been things missing but not just little things but really big things. There have always been pieces missing from as early as I can remember. Things were taken before I even knew who I was; so trying to find all those pieces is even more difficult because I didn't even start with the entire puzzle. There are pieces that I have have to fill in with no background, pieces that I have to imagine and yet still pieces that seem more than untouchable. Pieces that I long for tat I know are there but have no clue where they go or how they fit in.
I know that there is a part of me that keeps looking for that perfect puzzle piece that is going to make all the others fall into place and I just don't know. And I use the word perfect meaning perfect for me. Meaning loyal people that are close, people in my everyday that can share the things that are important to my heart. I just don't have that and I more often than I feel welcomed I feel like a burden. I feel like I am more than hard to love, and harder to like and even have around. That is just not a good feeling. I know that I will never stop looking for that piece, never ever but then I worry; am I setting myself up for something I have no chance of getting. Am I looking for things that aren't even there ? Am I looking for something a piece that is long gone ? Am I looking for something that I had once and didn't even know it ? I just feel like there are pieces that are missing from me. Maybe it's in the lonely, maybe it's in the abuse, all the trauma. Maybe there are just a few pieces that are long gone and will never be found and replaced I just don't know. I just want to be comfortable in my own skin and know and feel that where I am is ok. I don't want to have to look to others to find those answers. I want to stand in who I am and what I have been through and know that my choices and my thoughts are ok. I have said it before I need to be around people that have my interests I don't fit into many of the places that I have tried. Each time I get the courage to try again and think that maybe there is a chance for me to belong, I get crushed. So as I have said in a post a week or so ago I am open and ready but I can't be the one reaching out. I can't be the one with a hand out asking for help because I just can't do the heartache nor do I want to. I would rather be on my own than feeling like I am a buden than feeling like I am so hard to love. Those are feelings that I have all the time on my own and feeling them with others that is not a fun place to be. If a person has to try to love me, try I don't want any favors. I want what is true and genuine and honest and real.
Maybe this is a time of finding more pieces. I can say that I have found more pieces than I ever imagined I would have but I need more. I need more pieces of peace. I would always say that to James, I found another piece of peace. Maybe its time to start turning some more pieces over to find those things that I am most looking for. I want then entire puzzle put together, and I won't stop searching. I am worth that, I am worth searching for. I have so much to give.
You know I have wanted to write this for some time, for a long time about this and I just couldn't. I don't understand unkindness, I don't understand stupidity I don't understand ignoring the victim I don't understand so many things. I am not a political person nor am I religious. Just me just the facts. I love with my whole heart ask questions with my whole heart and believe in the little things around me. I believe in the birds singing, I believe in laughter. I believe in being a good person and doing the right thing.
The election was hard for me I remember when president Obama was elected. I was in bed when they announced he had won. I cried, I was excited that our country was changing that our country was becoming one that our country was a place where all things could happen. I was excited for my children having a biracial president was something that touched my heart. I liked him as a man as a father, the kindness that he possessed , that is what I admired. I am not one about public policy or those things I look at the person. Maybe that is stupid maybe Nieve but politics change with the weather but character of a person that is something that stays. Their heart that is something that I see and that is what matters. The pictures of him in the white house with his dogs his children, he carried the weight of the world on his shoulders, wanting to do the right thing. I feel that he was an honest man trying to do what was best for all of us. He had a heart a heart that loved a heart that cared. And then the election , I cried many times this was not a man with a kind heart, this was a man with violence in his heart, in his eyes. The differences are many and I could go on forever. I am tired of all the ways he is supported, and how he treats those around him including women. The words that have come out of his mouth are not things that I want to believe in and not things that I want my children to look up to. Being a sexual assault survivor and hearing his words, I was truly speechless how is this ok ?? Why are those words able to come out of his mouth and people keep laughing. They are not funny and anyone that has experienced it, can tell you just how painful that it is. These are just my thoughts that swirl I don't understand and I am not sure that I ever will . Its not the politics that I believe , or the party it is the man, and he will never be my president. A man who hates and disrespects so many different people with out a second thought , just no never. Its all so complicated really, there are no easy answers but I have to believe in heart and I don't believe he has any, he may have power but no heart and with no heart there is no power because its heart that changes the world true heart.
And religion. Once again I am not at all a religious person. I do believe that I am very spiritual, I believe in the things around me the kindness of others, I believe in the birds singing and the gentleness of things that heal our hearts. Maybe its not even religion its organized religion. I have to many questions that make people uncomfortable. I take too much time that people don't have. I have questions oh so many questions. I have come to a point where where many say it is not good but its where I am and I can not keep fighting where I am longing for something and thinking that I have found it and then the disappointment , oh the disappointment, and I will not do that to my heart anymore. I want to believe with my whole heart and I do believe but there are pieces of me that doubt greatly. That doubt its there and its huge and yes a lot of it comes from the past I know that, I do . The great doubt is something that I can not do on my own. When doing church and religion I need a buddy I need someone by my side step by step inch by inch. I know that what I need in a church is to much to ask. My questions are overwhelming I understand but I can not do them on my own. People switch churches , like its nothing but to me its so much more. I can not do church on my own and haven't found anyone who will do it with me so I stay on my own. I believe in good things, I believe in good hearts, I hope oh I hope that someday I will find it but for now I can not keep searching for something that I just haven't been able to find. Maybe the further I move in healing and people chose to stay maybe them maybe just maybe I will get the chance to have someone stand by me even in my doubt and encourage and stand beside me in all the moments of that doubt good and bad. Maybe just maybe. I believe in the things that I have felt the people that have walked along side me, the pelican that showed up on my balcony and every morning I was there that Summer. I believe in my favorites who believe in me and all my craziness . Who showed me what its like to be truly loved. I believe I in the right place for now, I keep waiting looking for that person or people to come beside me push me along encourage me and stay oh I just want people to stay in my everyday and its not there. This all seems so complicated to even put into words. Sometimes things are just more complex and harder than any words could address.
Often I am not sure what I am looking for the things that I need. Most often in this life things were not given freely, I had to do things on my own. My world is full of complexity and I think sometimes what I need more than anything is just someone being there because there are no words. You know yesterday was Easter and I didn't go to church it doesn't feel right for me. All day there were people posting about family and church and god and that wasn't the case for me I don't believe those things. I watch movies that depict Jesus and it hurts my heart, the things that that man went through but do I believe he did that for me ??? that is where I get lost. The kindness and compassion that I see in those movies that is what I want more than anything. That peace and kindness and that just wasn't in my early life and has not been a constant. I struggle with how things were as a child, how they are now and begging pleading for someone to come into my life and stay and yet I am still alone. I am not sure there is one person that can heal this heart that can take the pain that can make me whole again. So I step back still open and hope that someday someway I can find the things that I long for.
So I think that there are things that I want to write that are not post-able that are just my very own inner thoughts. And really who reads my madness anyway. Or they read it and they say nothing; nothing changes and I am still doing it on my own so here goes for this month and things I hold in my head. The history the trauma, the nightmares, the triggers the feelings in my bones. The loneliness, the need, oh I need to much. The daily memories, the not understanding why there is such a need to tell to be heard to be understood. Why I dream of turning back the clocks and imagining never ever being hurt. The days that I dream of standing up and saying proudly yes this happened to me, I was raped. I have been raped from the time that I was five starting with my father. I want to say that with out any shame. I may share some, share parts, I just want to be rid of the shame the embarrassment of the things that have happened. I long for a day when I don't feel other, and less than. Those are daily occurrences, I know that I have come far but there are moments in time when what you have left feels like Mt. Everest. This month it feels like I am at the bottom, looking up and the need to want to reach out for someone to help you up that hill is huge then you think who would want to be here and do this with me and I start to climb, write and figure out how in the hell I am going to make it to the other side, in hopefully one piece. As recovery goes I get up these mountains and realize I conquered one but there is always another one to climb. The life living through trauma. I want to think I am not alone, I know that there are many others, where is my other to help me over the mountains and valley's of making it through this life where so much has happened. Hard month, it will get better, it always does and it always hurts.
I heart your heart and wish there was someone for mine.
So yea the plan was to write each day this month how I am affected things are going on in my heart and I can't seem to make myself write. I can't even make myself feel much of anything lately. Things are good in life. But that fucking sadness that is ever present is always there. I get disappointed when I want to share and I am met with silence, I don't understand that when all I want in the world is to be heard is for all the things that I have been through to be acknowledged. Because I never had a life before Sexual Assault that is all I have ever known. So there is no before its in finding who and what that I am now. That is so much easier said than done because much of this journey has to be done on your own. Well for me its been mostly on my own there are times when you are held supported but I need just so much that people get tired , leave, can't handle it or completely look the other way. I have a few people but they are far there is no one in my everyday, no one to catch the tears no one to ease the heart . Today is heavy, the Burden is heavy and I feel it in my bones. My bones still feel the assaults did you know that was possible to still feel what has happened to you after all this time it is and its agony.
There are days I feel the weight, the heaviness, the sensation of being far away. There are days when I wake up and still can't move. There are nights that the nightmares are so intense I wake up in a sweat like the danger is more real than it was ever. There are times I sit straight up thinking that someone is waiting lurking waiting for me to drop my guard. There are days I can't even stand to be touched because its just to much. There are days when the pictures don't stop and there is absolutely
nothing that I can do. Those are the things that happen that are a part of daily life and people wonder why I am weird ??? I can't even tell you what I need anymore, I need to learn to just stay quiet, its easier on my heart.
So I am writing this just for me the things that are inside my heart the things that I need to say. Because just because. I need to I need to get them out, I need to be understood I want more than anything to be heard. So each day this month I am going to write as much or as little that comes up and its my hope that once this month is over things may be a little clearer maybe what I want will be clearer maybe I will find someone and I won't have to do this on my own.
Because really the weight the heaviness of sexual assault is something that is to heavy for any man woman or child to carry on their own. When really that is how it happens for most of us. We carry it on our own.
You now its the small things really. Those things that people don't think made a difference but totally do in every way. There have not been many people on my side in this life at all. Most have probably been the opposite then there are those that through my eyes have not been on my side and they haven't seen it that way. And that is the part that is crushing. I know that I do tend to become possessive, like certain people are mine and its not that I want them for myself its that, the fear in ever loosing them is close to unbearable. It's like that with my favorites and it still makes me cry. I fear that my safe place is gone. That things are not the same. That I don't have a place at all anymore.
I got a text from Amy saying that Catrina and her family were there over Spring break, and that she would hide the pictures if that was best for me. I was glad to have the notice and devastated that they would have someone who hurt me so much in my safe place. I can not even explain all of the emotions there was a part that felt I was being torn in half. But that is my safe place. And you see people have lots of different people in many different situations me I have very few in most situations and even less in others. This felt like such a betrayal like the little kid that gets looked over. It's devastating. And I can not even explain how it hurt. And my worst fear is that it is going to change everything.
Because we are on opposite sides of the spectrum in every way. She is different in different situations. She is loud and often obnoxious, and doesn't think about the feelings of others. She is vain and expects others to swoon and tell her how wonderful that she is. She is two faced in every way, and I have been a part of that that others don't see. Others see the Widow oh poor Catrina she is so strong oh poor Catrina doing everything. All those things are fine that is who she is.
And I saw great kindnesses from her, and till the last moment was grateful and at the same time there were things like a knfe through my heart that in no way were fair or right in any way. I did and gave everything and once I was not able to do all that I did, once getting a full time job I no longer had a purpose. Amy and James were my people. They were mine and it felt like, still feels like they are not on my side.
She didn't really know them, be with them. She would ask me questions about them. They were acquaintances and she was in my safe place.. Its part of the game for her and what can I do. Her words I want you out, I can't do it anymore and do you know why ? Has anyone cared to ask ? Because I had a lot going on with me and I asked that after Truman's bible study if she could take him to where he would be spending the day. ALWAYS always well if you need any help if its too much then ask. And the one time that I do ask for help, that one time I couldn't do it, she was done. Oh there are so many things that matter but don't matter. She was always right she was always the hero for doing what she did and not once were the kids and I thought of. The nights spent in parking lots eating dinner, the nights driving around because we had no where to go. The nights when we had to eat in our room, because we were no longer welcomed. The night I would stay up crying all night because of how we were treated and no one cared to ask.
In the entire situation there was no one on my side, no one asking if there was anything that they could do.
Do you know what happened do you????
DO YOU!!!!! DO YOU!!!!! DO YOU!!!!!
She was a fake Friend.
Mp thats right no one knows because no one ever asked they were too busy standing up for her. I mean come on I was the low life staying with her. And so it goes. Promises were made things were said and there was no going back. How we were treated how my children were treated those were of no consequence. So until someone sits and talks with me, asks me about the things that happened, I am not willing to hear or listen. There was not one person on my side not one, and that is what hurts. I can remember someone wanted to talk about it and make every excuse for her. I know that it wasn't easy for her, I always told her that and she always so no its not I didn't give up anything well Me I I gave a lot of myself. I know that I wasn't perfect, I know that there were things that I did that I didn't even know were wrong but I never broke a promise. I was there holding her hand until she moved on and I was no longer of any use. But those are the things that people don't want to hear that people don't ask about. My heart still hurts all I ever wanted was people to be on my side to stick up for me to keep me safe and sound to have a safe and sound place always and forever and right now there is more than hurt to last a lifetime. In time I have to hope it ill lessen but right now my heart hurts because they are the people that I want on my side that I need on my side the most. Maybe someday maybe.
Please PLEASE do not ever make me a promise that you don't intend to keep.
Things , feelings, views things are happening that I can not ignore. That I am choosing not to ignore anymore. I am an outlier things I have seen, lived through how I have seen and see the world EVERY SINGLE DAY is different . Not so very different but different than not most but a lot and that is a lonely place to be. Finding people like me finding others with scars that aren't afraid to see mine or share theirs. Others who are willing to help when its needed the most. I can not tell you the amount of time that I spend trying to fit into someone else's box of who I am and what I should be over and things that I should do in life.
Well, I am done
This heart of mine has been hurt and I am learning that its going to take forever to heal to be put back together the problem is that the things that I am longing for seem to be forever breaking my heart. So there is break after break, and I just can not afford that in my life. I can not let that happen anymore. I thought I found my place and I remember saying that I would come back when I was ready. But there were things I was searching for that I didn't even know. And he said You do know you'll never be ready ? Its not about being ready its about being seen its about the scars that make me me. And I didn't say a word but I continued to think. Maybe that was correct maybe I would/will never be
ready
but where I am is exactly where I am.And I can promise you that most days, I don't like where that is but I fight. And in fighting its exhausting. oh there are just so many if's and buts
people turning away sure isn't a way to help. People turn away because I don't fit in their world view, people can't deal with the scars. people can't deal with the me. A completely complicated person that has so very many layers. But the layers are thinning and I have been more ready than many others have been willing to admit or given me credit for. I have put myself out there given my all, and my heart has been crushed. I will not do that anymore. I am ready for what comes I am open I am willing I am ready but I am also done searching. My heart is tired, my mind often overwhelmed and with a birthday coming up , life is short and I will not keep searching to be let down and crushed anymore. So I will BE.
I will be open, I will find a peace in my everyday. I will continue to meant my heart. I will continue to share my journey and I will wait. Wait for the good things that are to come. And that's not to say I am going to sit back, give up and let what happens happen its more than that. SOOOO much more. Its taking steps back and continuing to be open, and ready but letting others that are open and ready to do the same come find me. Because I am here ready and will jump at the very opportunity but as for searching no, because it has felt more like searching to get my heart broken again more than anything and that is a risk that I need a break from. If I were to find that perfect place tomorrow I would be all in.I give and give until there is nothing left. That has a great toll, a toll that I am not willing to ignore any longer.
And in letting a few things go I am hoping that the good can come and find me exactly
where I am.
Like Church, friends, belonging, safety, love. I feel like that should be a sentence in itself. It holds so much, and feels so very heavy. Honestly its been more bad than good. And I fight I fight to be heard to be listened to, to fit, and I have truly thought that I have found a few places that were right where I fit. But In my trying to fit and the disappointment and the sadness, and the longing I am the one that is left. This is a huge one for me, and I have searched, I have, begged pleaded and even prayed. Time after time I am left with the crushed brokenness of my heart in my own hands, and that is devastating to a person and its happened more times than I can even count. I keep trying keep putting myself in that position again and when is that time when you say enough is enough ????
I think I am finally saying enough is enough.
I just want to be someones first not someones second not someones fall back. I want to be a favorite. I have favorites and I want to be that for someone else. Writing out the words are rough and so hard and more than chilling but that is what I wasn't. I get burned each time looking for the things that I long for and now comes the time to stop trying because I can not will not risk a broken heart any longer. I feel like I have come so far and done so well and then the crushing. It's over and over. And its not like I am expecting never to be disappointed or hurt that is not it at all. That's life, everyday life bad things happen people are mean people leave, and of coarse everyone can not be your best friend. I don't want to be a left over a obligation, a poor me. In my searching that is what I have become in so many areas. I am not even sure that these words are going to make sense they still seem so very confusing to even me. And I wonder does this mean I will be alone forever? does this mean that the right people and place will come ? I don't have any of those answers, but in all the work that I have done in healing to get myself back I rely on others to stop the pain, to be the band aid, to help me I have searched out those things been heartbroken and continued to undo all that was done before. Really that is like swimming uphill. I will keep working keep learning keep questioning and I will care for this bruised heart, by undoing all the knots, doing all the work. And what will come needs to come find me and I will be here open heart and all of me, all of crazy me, its just that ....
The searching hurts to much when you have already come from broken.
