On Politics and religion a personal perspective

You know I have wanted to write this for some time, for a long time about this and I just couldn't.  I don't understand unkindness, I don't understand stupidity I don't understand ignoring the victim I don't understand so many things.  I am not a political person nor am I religious.  Just me just the facts.  I love with my whole heart ask questions with my whole heart and believe in the little things around me.  I believe in the birds singing, I believe in laughter. I believe in being a good person and doing the right thing.

The election was hard for me  I remember when president Obama was elected.  I was in bed when they announced he had won.  I cried, I was excited that our country was changing that our country was becoming one that our country was a place where all things could happen.  I was excited for my children having a biracial president was something that touched my heart.  I liked him as a man as a father, the kindness that he possessed , that is what I admired.  I am not one about public policy or those things I look at the person.  Maybe that is stupid maybe Nieve but politics change with the weather but character of a person that is something that stays.  Their heart that is something that I see and that is what matters.  The pictures of him in the white house with his dogs his children,  he carried the weight of the world on his shoulders, wanting to do the right thing.  I feel that he was an honest man trying to do what was best for all of us.  He had a heart a heart that loved a heart that cared. And then the election , I cried many times this was not a man with a kind heart, this was a man with violence in his heart, in his eyes.  The differences are many and I could go on forever.  I am tired of all the ways he is supported,  and how he treats those around him including women.  The words that have come out of his mouth are not things that I want to believe in and not things that I want my children to look up to. Being a sexual assault survivor and hearing his words,  I was truly speechless how is this ok ??  Why are those words able to come out of his mouth and people keep laughing.  They are not funny and anyone that has experienced it, can tell you just how painful that it is.  These are just my thoughts that swirl I don't understand and I am not sure that I ever will .  Its not the politics that I believe , or the party it is the man, and he will never be my president.  A man who hates and disrespects so many different people with out a second thought , just no never.    Its all so complicated really, there are no easy answers but I have to believe in heart and I don't believe he has any,  he may have power but no heart and with no heart there is no power because its heart that changes the world true heart.

And religion.  Once again I am not at all a religious person.  I do believe that I am very spiritual, I believe in the things around me the kindness of others, I believe in the birds singing and the gentleness of things that heal our hearts.  Maybe its not even religion its organized religion.  I have to many questions that make people uncomfortable. I take too much time that people don't have.  I have questions oh so many questions.  I have come to a point where where many say it is not good but its where I am and I can not keep fighting where I am longing for something and thinking that I have found it and then the disappointment , oh the disappointment, and I will not do that to my heart anymore.  I want to believe with my whole heart and I do believe but  there are pieces of me that doubt greatly.  That doubt its  there and its huge and yes a lot of it comes from the past I know that, I do .  The great doubt is something that I can not do on my own.  When doing church and religion I need a buddy I need someone by my side step by step inch by inch.  I know that what I need in a church is to much to ask.  My questions are overwhelming I understand but I can not do them on my own. People switch churches , like its nothing but to me its so much more.  I can not do church on my own and haven't found anyone who will do it with me so I stay on my own.  I believe in good things, I believe in good hearts, I hope oh I hope that someday I will find it but for now I can not keep searching for something that I just haven't been able to find.  Maybe the further I move in healing and people chose to stay maybe them maybe just maybe I will get the chance to have someone stand by me even in my doubt and encourage and stand beside me in all the moments of that doubt good and bad.  Maybe just maybe.  I believe in the things that I have felt the people that have walked along side me,  the pelican that showed up on my balcony and every morning I was there that Summer.  I believe in my favorites who believe in me and all my craziness . Who showed me what its like to be truly loved. I believe I in the right place for now,  I keep waiting looking for that person or people to come beside me push me along encourage me and stay oh I just want people to stay in my everyday and its not there.  This all seems so complicated to even put into words.  Sometimes things are just more complex and harder than any words could address.

Often I am not sure what I am looking for the things that I need.  Most often in this life things were not given freely, I had to do things on my own.  My world is full of complexity and I think sometimes what I need more than anything is just someone being there because there are no words. You know yesterday was Easter and I didn't go to church it doesn't feel right for me.  All day there were people posting about family and church and god and that wasn't the case for me I don't believe those things.  I watch movies that depict Jesus and it hurts my heart, the things that that man went through but do I believe he did that for me ???  that is where I get lost.  The kindness and compassion that I see in those movies that is what I want more than anything.  That peace and kindness and that just wasn't in my early life and has not been a constant.  I struggle with how things were as a child, how they are now and begging pleading for someone to come into my life and stay and yet I am still alone.  I am not sure there is one person that can heal this heart that can take the pain that can make me whole again.  So I step back still open and hope that someday someway I can find the things that I long for.