You can't find peace until you find all the pieces

I heard this tonight and it stopped me in my tracks.  I long for peace for more than anything that feelings of being comfortable in your own skin.  More often than not I don't like being in my skin and would do almost anything to pretend that it doesn't even exist.  I feel like there are still pieces that are missing I think that I have the border strong and together, I have those outside pieces to keep everything inside the boundaries but there are lots of things that are still floating around with no place to call home.  Sometimes I am able to rest in those outside and think wow, things are so together but then I take a look or get to part with very few pieces or a lot of pieces that don't seem to fit and I get overwhelmed. There are pieces that I have put together but there are also things that are missing.

And I believe that a huge part of that is that I have never felt whole.At different times there have always been things missing but not just little things but really big things. There have always been pieces missing from as early as I can remember.  Things were taken before I even knew who I was; so trying to find all those pieces is  even more difficult because I didn't even start with the entire puzzle.  There are pieces that I have have to fill in with no background, pieces that I have to imagine and yet still pieces that seem more than untouchable. Pieces that I long for tat I know are there but have no clue where they go or how they fit in.

I know that there is a part of me that keeps looking for that perfect puzzle piece that is going to make all the others fall into place and I just don't know.  And I use the word perfect meaning perfect for me. Meaning loyal people that are close, people in my everyday that can share the things that are important to my heart. I just don't have that and I more often than I feel welcomed I feel like a burden.  I feel like I am more than hard to love, and harder to like and even have around.  That is just not a good feeling.  I know that I will never stop looking for that piece, never ever but then I worry; am I setting myself up for something I have no chance of getting.   Am I looking for things that aren't even there ?  Am I looking for something a piece that is long gone ?  Am I looking for something that I had once and didn't even know it ?  I just feel like there are pieces that are missing from me.  Maybe it's in the lonely, maybe it's in the abuse, all the trauma.  Maybe there are just a few pieces that are long gone and will never be found and replaced I just don't know.  I just want to be comfortable in my own skin and know and feel that where I am is ok.  I don't want to have to look to others to find those answers.  I want to stand in who I am and what I have been through and know that my choices and my thoughts are ok.  I have said it before I need to be around people that have my interests I don't fit into many of the places that I have tried.  Each time I get the courage to try again and think that maybe there is a chance for me to belong, I get crushed.  So as I have said in a post a week or so ago I am open and ready but I can't be the one reaching out.  I can't be the one with a hand out asking for help because I just can't do the heartache nor do I want to.  I would rather be on my own than feeling like I am a buden than feeling like I am so hard to love.  Those are feelings that I have all the time on my own and feeling them with others that is not a fun place to be.  If a person has to try to love me, try I don't want any favors.  I want what is true and genuine and honest and real.

Maybe this is a time of finding more pieces.  I can say that I have found more pieces than I ever imagined I would have but I need more. I need more pieces of peace. I would always say that to James, I found another piece of peace.  Maybe its time to start turning some more pieces over to find those things that I am most looking for.   I want then entire puzzle put together, and I won't stop searching.  I am worth that,  I am worth searching for.  I have so much to give.

Here's to the pieces left to find, left to unfold 

I heart your heart