In the telling

So I think that there are things that I want to write that are not post-able that are just my very own inner thoughts.  And really who reads my madness anyway.  Or they read it and they say nothing; nothing changes and I am still doing it on my own so here goes for this month and things I hold in my head.  The history the trauma, the nightmares, the triggers the feelings in my bones.  The loneliness, the need, oh I need to much.  The daily memories, the not understanding why there is such a need to tell to be heard to be understood.  Why I dream of turning back the clocks and imagining never ever being hurt.  The days that I dream of standing up and saying proudly yes this happened to me, I was raped.  I have been raped from the time that I was five starting with my father. I want to say that with out any shame.  I may share some, share parts, I just want to be rid of the shame the embarrassment of the things that have happened.  I long for a day when I don't feel other, and less than.  Those are daily occurrences,   I know that I have come far but there are moments in time when what you have left feels like Mt. Everest.  This month it feels like I am at the bottom, looking up and the need to want to reach out for someone to help you up that hill is huge then you think who would want to be here and do this with me and I start to climb, write and figure out how in the hell I am going to make it to the other side, in hopefully one piece.   As recovery goes I get up these mountains and realize I conquered one but there is always another one to climb. The life living through trauma.  I want to think I am not alone, I know that there are many others, where is my other to help me over the mountains and valley's of making it through this life where so much has happened.  Hard month, it will get better, it always does and it always hurts.

I heart your heart and wish there was someone for mine.