April 8, 2017

So yea the plan was to write each day this month how I am affected things are going on in my heart and I can't seem to make myself write.  I can't even make myself feel much of anything lately.  Things are good in life.  But that fucking sadness that is ever present is always there.  I get disappointed when I want to share and I am met with silence, I don't understand that when all I want in the world is to be heard is for all the things that I have been through to be acknowledged.  Because I never had a life before Sexual Assault that is all I have ever known.  So there is no before its in finding who and what that I am now.  That is so much easier said than done because much of this journey has to be done on your own.  Well for me its been mostly on my own there are times when you are held supported but I need just so much that people get tired , leave, can't handle it or completely look the other way.   I have a few people but they are far there is no one in my everyday,  no one to catch the tears no one to ease the heart .  Today is heavy, the Burden is heavy and I feel it in my bones.  My bones still feel the assaults did you know that was possible to still feel what has happened to you after all this time it is and its agony.

There are days I feel the weight, the heaviness, the sensation of being far away.  There are days when I wake up and still can't move.  There are nights that the nightmares are so intense I wake up in a sweat like the danger is more real than it was ever.  There are times I sit straight up thinking that someone is waiting lurking waiting for me to drop my guard.  There are days I can't even stand to be touched because its just to much.  There are days when the pictures don't stop and there is absolutely

nothing that I can do.  Those are the things that happen that are a part of daily life and people wonder why I am weird ???  I can't even tell you what I need anymore,  I need to learn to just stay quiet, its easier on my heart.