Saturday, April 8, 2017

On my side

You now its the small things really. Those things that people don't think made a difference but totally do in every way.  There have not been many people on my side in this life at all.  Most have probably been the opposite then there are those that through my eyes have not been on my side and they haven't seen it that way. And that is the part that is crushing. I know that I do tend to become possessive, like certain people are mine and its not that I want them for myself its that, the fear in ever loosing them is close to unbearable.  It's like that with my favorites and it still makes me cry.  I fear that my safe place is gone.  That things are not the same.  That I don't have a place at all anymore.


I got a text from Amy saying that Catrina and her family were there over Spring break, and that she would hide the pictures if that was best for me.  I was glad to have the notice and devastated that they would have someone who hurt me so much in my safe place.  I can not even explain all of the emotions there was a part that felt I was being torn in half.  But that is my safe place.  And you see people have lots of different people in many different situations me I have very few in most situations and even less in others.  This felt like such a betrayal like the little kid that gets looked over.  It's devastating.  And I can not even explain how it hurt.  And my worst fear is that it is going to change everything.

Because we are on opposite sides of the spectrum in every way.  She is different in different situations.  She is loud and often obnoxious, and doesn't think about the feelings of others.  She is vain and expects others to swoon and   tell her how wonderful that she is.  She is two faced in every way, and I have been a part of that that others don't see.  Others see the Widow oh poor Catrina she is so strong oh poor Catrina doing everything.  All those things are fine that is who she is.

And I saw great kindnesses from her, and till the last moment was grateful and at the same time there were things like a knfe through my heart that in no way were fair or right in any way.  I did and gave everything and once I was not able to do all that I did, once getting a full time job I no longer had a purpose.  Amy and James were my people.  They were mine and it felt like, still feels like they are not on my side.

She didn't really know them, be with them. She would ask me questions about them.  They were acquaintances and she was in my safe place..  Its part of the game for her and what can I do. Her words I want you out, I can't do it anymore and do you know why ?  Has anyone cared to ask ?  Because I had a lot going on with me and I asked that after Truman's bible study if  she could take him to where  he would be spending the day.  ALWAYS always well if you need any help if its too much then ask.  And the one time that I do ask for help, that one time I couldn't do it, she was done.  Oh there are so many things that matter but don't matter.  She was always right she was always the hero for doing what she did and not once were the kids and I thought of.  The nights spent in parking lots eating dinner,  the nights driving around because we had no where to go. The nights when we had to eat in our room, because we were no longer welcomed. The night I would stay up crying all night because of how we were treated and no one cared to ask.

In the entire situation there was no one on my side, no one asking if there was anything that they could do.

 Do you know what happened do you????


DO YOU!!!!! DO YOU!!!!! DO YOU!!!!! 

She was a fake Friend.



Mp thats right no one knows because no one ever asked they were too busy standing up for her.  I mean come on I was the low life staying with her.  And so it goes.  Promises were made things were said and there was no going back.  How we were treated how my children were treated those were of no consequence.  So until someone sits and talks with me, asks me about the things that happened, I am not willing to hear or listen.  There was not one person on my side not one, and that is what hurts.  I can remember someone wanted to talk about it and make every excuse for her.  I know that it wasn't easy for her, I always told her that and she always so no its not I didn't give up anything well Me I  I gave a lot of myself.  I know that I wasn't perfect, I know that there were things that I did that I didn't even know were wrong but I never broke a promise.  I was there holding her hand until she moved on and I was no longer of any use.  But those are the things that people don't want to hear that people don't ask about.  My heart still hurts all I ever wanted was people to be on my side to stick up for me to keep me safe and sound to have a safe and sound place always and forever and right now there is more than hurt to last a lifetime.  In time I have to hope it ill lessen but right now my heart hurts because they are the people that I want on my side that I need on my side the most.  Maybe someday maybe.



Please PLEASE do not ever make me a promise that you don't intend to keep. 

I heart your heart.  ALWAYS.

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