Saturday, August 18, 2018

Because Whales


There are so many things to say.  Whales, yea they are kinda everything, they are my passion they are my everything. Whales have kept me going when that was the last thing that I wanted.  People don't get it and that's ok it's a part of who I am . Times when I had nothing it was my connection with whales that has gotten me through.  There is a connection with whales that is truly one of the things in life that I could hold on to and that has made such a difference.  I have met people that that have that awe for whales that I do and nothing comes but tears.  People didn't understand the feeling when I met Laurens Degroot, or Paul Watson, those are the things that touch my heart because of my love of whales there is a connection.  They see the importance and the beauty like many can not.  

And then the other day there was a training at work, and the presenter was really good.  Her name was Ashley Helms, and she had all of us tell about ourselves.  Then she had pictures up to tell us a little about her.  There was her family her children her dogs but do you know what I saw first:  the whales.  That picture down in the bottom left hand corner. I turned around and was like did you see that , there are whales!!!!!  They went unnoticed by most , and I was still shocked thinking someone else might have a thing for whales!  SERIOUSLY, I can tell you that doesn't happen very often.  I seriously could have cried.  How she was talking about them, and how important they were and how she was putting that out there as a part of who she was!!!! WHAT HOW COOL IS THAT !!!!And all day I was so connected and learned so much.  I felt that connection and it carried me in something  totally unrelated.  Connections carry people even in things we can't imagine.  I had that connection that day and I will carry that.





There is so much power in connection.  I was alive that day. Someone who shared that love who cried when she saw whales.  There is so much power in that. So much meaning and for me moments like that are few. I just know the difference that it made.    I feel like whales for me are the connection to so much. And yes its different, but its not less than because there are not many that I have met.  It's not less than because so many don't understand.  SO I think all of this to say that hold on to your passions, the things that make you feel alive no matter how crazy they may be to others because someday someway you will find others and when you do, when you can look at each other and just understand, that is the important things in life.  Of all the times and people that have told me how crazy that it is that is what keeps me going. So hold on to what you love, hold those passions because someday you will find those people to understand and it gives your heart the most amazing feeling.  These are the things that I crave in this world. And I don't have it often but I had it that day and it was more than awesome.  And I didn't stutter, I wasn't nervous in that room full of people and that day I won't forget ever. I think I wrote this for all those who told me how stupid and childish and dumb that my love and passion was.  Because that day that is exactly what connected me .  That is more than important.  


I heart your heart.



Overwhelmed



























I don't know there are pieces of me that I can't figure out.  Why I can't keep people.  I want to keep people and not lose who I am.  I don't want to fake it until I make it because I don't want to be fake who I am,  I don't want to pretend to be someone that I am not.  I want people who will stay who will listen who will help who will remember who will support who will understand the little things.  I don't want someone to remind me how much time they have spent, want me to be different,  doesn't remember important things, Maybe I just want to much.  I think I just want others to remember the big things and see if I am ok. So its too much to ask but I want forever friends.  Maybe someday I can find that right ??


I heart your heart 

Saturday, August 4, 2018

Lonely in a Sea Of 7000

Yesterday was really rough day.  It was convocation for PISD and in all of those 7000 people I was alone.  My school was way at the top of the bleachers and  the way that my legs have been lately I was not going to chance falling on the stairs and looking like an idiot.  SO I took a seat down on the field.  I was glad that I wasn't going to make an idiot out of myself.  BUt the more the people that came the more alone that I began to feel.  I could look up in the stands and see my school, all together, and yet here I was.  I was in the overflow seating, at first I thought ok special Education was in the section next to me and I kept thinking well at least I will get to see some of the people that I have worked with.  The OT, PT the Diags.  And I saw them and would get excited that maybe they would say hello.  Maybe they would notice me and they did not.  Not one person said hello. And one person walked by me tons of times and never once said hello.  So I sat there, a few times the tears came.  The tears came that I was alone, the tears came as they showed all the high schools.  The tears came for the teacher that I want to be.  There was a lot of everything and I was alone. One of my favorites texted me and asked if I was ok I was glad. She said that she was glad that I made it.  That was the highlight. Not sure anyone else even realized that I was missing.  Lots of feelings.  Lots of alone.  And I feel guilty that out of 7000 people not one person said hello or even acknowledged I was there.  Those are the things that hurt a person's heart.  All those people and not one ?  I know I am not a joiner, I know that social anxiety thing kicks in.  But I would love to be acknowledged for someone to notice me.  Even if it was a pat on the shoulder a little wave, something anything would have been perfect. But nothing.  So that is the way that it was and it rough, very rough, and I was s affected. Yesterday took so much out of me, and I was definitely not prepared.  But today is a new day, I can not keep beating myself up for who I am, I will enjoy today and know if I ever saw someone like me I would never let them be alone, I would acknowledge even if with a small hi. 

LONELY IN A SEA OF 7000