The Shock

 
Last night I watched Captain Phillips, and at the end when he is rescued, I had a bit of a realization. When something that you experience doesn't have any words, then you see a movie and you think oh my gosh that's it, that's what it was like, it is one of those light bulb moments,   If you have seen that movie you know.  The part where he realizes that he is safe that he is not captive anymore.  The inability to speak, the state of confusion, the pain from his wounds it all hit me really hard, and part of me completely froze, I understands that,because I understand exactly where he was, only there wasn't anyone to tell me that I was OK.  So many moments went through my head, my reactions to situations, and not one person understood really.  I think Dr. Culpepper did and I am grateful. It was that moment where you understand something that you never did before.

 

I am really hard on myself.  I want things a certain way, I should be over certain things. My heart should not hurt anymore. Things should not bother me, I should not remember the way that I do.  I should not feel things so deeply after all this time.  I could make you a million and one lists of the things that I should and should not have done. Things I did to make things worse. Split second decisions that only made things worse; I mean I could talk about that forever but it would take me hours to come up with why I deserve a break. 

Those last few minutes of that movie in some crazy strange way was permission for me not to have it all figured out, not to have it all under control.   There are things it made me remember in a new way and understand myself in a different way.  He was traumatized in a different way, but I was able to see the impact for him and that was OK.  For me I should be stronger, should, be coherent, should have the words, should understand the feelings and I don't do any of those things. I should get up brush myself off and be fine. But I have tried doing all of those things and they have not worked at all. 


That moment of shock, of utter fear that you believe that you might not make it out alive.  There have been many of those moments in my life.  For the most part I was able to keep it all together, continue to do all the things that I was supposed to do. I think that things started so young with my father that it was a gradual process; so as things got worse I just got used to it  I was able to as they say keep my head on my shoulders, but there were times that I was defiantly not OK.  There were many times I was more than pretending that all was fine but really things were crumbling.  But that movie last night mad me think about the time after the gang rape. In every sense of the word I was broken.  My mind, my body, my spirit my soul.  After they left I was so afraid that they were going to come back or do something else. They had been there for so long, and there were times that day when my world literally went black, when there was nothing left to do but shut out the world.  What was happening was unimaginable and even as I sit here typing my fingers freeze and I think could I really have survived all that happened was it really that bad ? These are the moments that play over and over in my head.  It was hard to walk hard to get up.  I was worried about the house being a mess for when my parents came home.  All that had just happened and I was worried about the house.  I can remember trying to find some clothes but they hurt my skin, every inch was bruised and even the light cotton shirt felt like a brick wall.  I can remember being obsessed with the fringe on the blanket.  I just couldn't get it to lay right , and I tried so hard but it just wouldn't do it.  There were no tears , I was just trying to fix everything make it look pretty.  I don't have a clue how I was able to move, because even walking was almost impossible.  I made sure that all that had been done in my parents room was cleaned and that everything looked like it did before.   I was in shock not believing all that had happened that day, and that I was still alive to even clean up.

I finally went to bed and they, my parents, came home, at what time I don't have a clue. I was down for a few days, I can remember taking pain medicine , I was hurt really bad, I was black from the bruises. My body not in a good place at all.  The bleeding lasted for days and  A hug hurt, anything hurt from sitting to taking a shower it was all painful.  And I just had to hope that things would heal and I would be OK. 

I don't think I realized that I was in shock until really in the last year or two.  Looking back its so obvious to see that I was in complete shock and not one person did a thing, not one person cared to think about me.  Not even most of the professionals.

This is one of the things that gets me, some details I remember so very clear and other things I can't.  I am not sure about the time frame but I know that Calvin said that I had to tell that I couldn';t keep getting hurt.  And it was like I was watching everything from up above.  All the commotion all around me, all the talk that I was lying that I just wanted attention.  Joan's first question was asking if we should get a pregnancy test.  I was numb to the world.  Almost dead to the world really.  I remember Calvin walking in and giving him a hug and worrying about all of their questions.....

They took me home that night and Bob Lux sat me down on the coach to tell me how different that things were going to be....he spoke for a long time I just wanted everyone to go away....I wanted to be alone.....who was he to tell me how different that things were going to be......

The next day I remember waking up to both of my parents standing by my bed and looking at me.  This was my life what was their problem.  There were the overheard phone conversations from the police, to therapists, to  Joans phone call telling my parents that she didn't believe me, I just wasn't showing enough emotion.  I just wanted attention.  Fuck you Joan, there was no emotion left you try being raped by 5 men, in your own home for hours and tell me how you deal with it ??  What was I supposed to do oh please share ? 



There was the trip to Dr. Culpeppers office, he was the only one that listened to me.  I remember sitting there and him talking but I don't know what he said. I was sitting on the table scared he was going to touch me , that I just might crumble.  I know that he said that I couldn't keep it all bottled up inside.  I remember him patting my knee and telling me that it was OK.  I remember him asking if he could do an exam.  I said no that I was fine.  I was not fine but the thought of someone seeing what they did was unbearable.  He listened and said that we would do it in the future.  Part of me today wishes that he did, but another part of me was grateful .  If he would have I could have gotten the medical help that I needed.  But in the long run everything healed and he was the only person that respected me enough to even care what I wanted, for that I am more than grateful.  The trauma and problems that would have caused would have been horrible.

There was the trip to the rape crisis center.  I remember getting a happy mean and laying down in the back of the car and eating it.  Chicken nuggets and fries. I remember that her name was Cynthia Hodges.  I remember that she wore way too much Turquoise jewelry and that she almost double crossed her legs.  That meeting also didn't go well.  My father yelling and screaming, pointing his finger at me and I sat there.....nothing nothing......then when he is done she says well maybe we need to do this separately.  These are the people and they way that they were responding to me. 

There was sitting in my fathers therapist office and having them have this conversation about me with out involving me, I just sat there between my mother and father as they spoke about me.  My father calling me an entity unto myself whatever that meant....He asked me how many, he asked me a few questions but there was no concern there, they were not asking about my heart, if I was OK, how I was handling what had happened to me.  I was asked to leave and they stayed in there for a little while, I was literally dead inside, all my energy, all my strength was in trying to heal my body.

 These are the things that hurt my heart, these are the things that I don't care to remember yet I do, I remember so much, I remember the little details.  It was that crazy movie, and seeing him in shock was such a realization.  I have been through a lot and it was a long time ago but there are things that hurt a person that take a long time to heal.  Things happened to me that no person should experience, but I did and I lived through them and for the most part I am a whole person.  I still hurt but I am much better than I have ever been before.  I am happy but I think there is always going to be a sad surrounding my past just because of the things that happened, the things that were taken, the experiences that I have lived through.  But I am here, I am still breathing and I will never give up to completely heal my heart.  I do wish there were people to remind me that I am OK during those hard time but maybe even that is coming, you just never know.  So here is to a time of being kinder gentler to myself, I have been through the worst and am working on the repair. 

Trying to get my heart where my mind is.  Someday.

After all this time

So yes, I have figured it out.  I have figured out why I have not been sleeping well. Where all the crazy dreams have come from these last few weeks.  Why there has been a sadness that I just have not been able to get a hold of, to shake off. It makes me mad after all this time that my heart needs a break, that my heart even remembers and my mind won't let go.  That  I still feel so much and so intensely, completely wares a person down.  I wish that I did not; but I can wish it all away and that does not change a thing.  My heart still remembers and even with all the good things happening, my heart does not forget. Stories like Dylan Farrow in the news, and anniversaries for me, its hard. I would like to think that with so many good things going on that my mind, my heart would somehow not feel the past so deeply. Not feel the headlines or the holidays;  That somehow because things are going my way that I could ignore the past brokenness but that does not seem to be working.  So, here I go to try to acknowledge and not ignore.

 

 

I am not one for Valentines day.  But I don't think it was always like that, in fact I am pretty sure.  I remember parties at school and handing out cards.  I remember the crush on the guy with dark hair in fifth grade, that I got a special valentine for.  Levi was his name , I think . So no it wasn't always bad,

 

It was the night of the Valentines dance at school, I think it was my eighth grade year. My parents were gone, who knows where my brother was.  I was home alone. Of coarse I was not asked to the dance, I was too weird too different, there were too many things to worry about and a dance was not one of them.  I was always the friend.  I agree I was more than a little strange, I loved whales, said WHA..ALL..THE...Time... I was just plain different.  Living with my father was still not good but things were not as rough as they once were. Still not good but not as bad as times past either. 

 

The summer before was the Summer that I met Don, at that youth weekend through church, and I thought he was kind , thought he was a good guy.  The night of the  Valentine dance was the first night that he showed up at my house.  There was a part of me that was excited when I saw him, he was the cool guy that I had met, that was cute, that danced with me. He was nice to me, kissed me kindly, I thought I was special.   He had roses in his hand when I opened the door.  But soon I realized that he was not the same kind guy that I had met that summer and he was going to be just like everyone else in my life.  He  was not the same person and had no intention of being kind or gentle. 

 

These things had happened my entire life so a part of me just completely shut down, I knew or my mind knew exactly what it needed to do to survive, and so I did. I moved into a place in my head and the questions start.  Why was he once nice ?  Why would he bring me flowers and do this ?  Why in the world did he pick me ?  Why tonight ? The night of the Valentine dance ?   How did he know where I lived ? What did i do wrong ?  How did he know no one else would be home ?   What if my parents come home ? What if someone sees him ?  When will it stop ?  I just couldn't understand it happening anymore, I thought those things were over, you know !!!

 

In some weird way, in the days after it happened nothing really changed.  I walked around living in a daze.  I was breathing, going to school. I was not OK but I was trying to be.  I mean this was really nothing new, this was my life, I had learned so well to make everything OK and ignore what I was feeling and the things that had happened.  And I think maybe that is the part that breaks my heart is that I knew what to do.  Keep my mouth shut and just keep breathing.  I honestly don't have a clue how I did anything, how I went to class, did my homework.  Its kind of amazing the things you just keep doing when you don't know of anything else to do.  It wasn't even a thought in my head to tell someone, to ask for someone to help me, make sure that I was OK.

 

No one noticed a difference anyway, I wasn't around others very much so I guess no one had the chance to notice.  But Calvin, he knew that something wasn't right and he wasn't going to let it go.  He saw that I was not OK. He knew that my heart was breaking.  And I had never said the words before, never spoken any words about my abuse at all.  And I told him that I was raped.  I told him it was the guy that I had met that summer.  I remember him being silent.  I remember him stabbing something , and I thought that he was mad at me .  But he was angry at himself that he went to the dance and wasn't there to keep me safe.  I was shocked, someone was worried about me, someone wished that they were there to keep me safe, that thought had never occurred to me before.  It was hard for me to understand and see where he was coming from, or even why he was concerned.  He wanted to take me to a Dr. of coarse that was not an option I said that I was fine, these were things that I just had to deal with. Time heals the bruises. 

 

Calvin was pretty much my lifeline.  He watched out for me, cared for my heart.   He was just there, to listen if I needed to talk and to be quiet if I needed to be quiet.  Since Don started showing up at school Calvin was there to make sure that I was OK, to make sure that I made it to class.  There were times I was more than grateful to see him, and I would just hold on, he made me feel safe.  

 

So for me Valentines is not a day of love or good things.   Sometimes I amaze myself when after all this time, things hit me harder than I expect and I just want to curl up in a ball.  This year I will be in my first grade class, enjoying their valentine party.  I will do my very best not to think about the past.  We will watch a movie and be a family, eat pizza and have a special valentine dessert.  I have to remember how very long ago that time was, and at the same time care for my heart that aches even AFTER ALL THIS TIME. 

 

I am going to try to be gentle with myself this week.  I am going to pray for at least a little peaceful sleep, my head and my heart desperately need it.  I do hope that this week goes by quickly.  And I do hope that soon my heart will stop feeling so much.  I can't go back I can't make things different.  I am more than sorry that I had to experience so many things and I am more than sorry that it wasn't a thought to tell someone and get help.  Because thinking back Don was evil and him showing up with flowers was just the beginning, of so much hurt.   Pure craziness, I don't know where my head is , some things about that time seem so clear and other things I still can not make sense of at all.  Welcome to my life.  There are times that I feel I have come so far and other times when there is that ache, I don't even know what to do.  Stories like mine are not things you can openly share, not things that people want to hear, not things that people are even comfortable talking about.  And for me these are the stories that I have.....My current stories are getting better, things are changing but those past stories are what they are and I can not make them different, this is my life experience.

 

Things like this are more than complicated.  Sometimes you just want to talk, get it out, think things through and you can't.  Some things you just can't openly talk about and this is one of the many for me.  There are things I can't communicate.  I wish that there wasn't such an ache, a  deep pain I wonder if there will come a time when the ache is completely gone.  Its a sadness a feeling  that is deep and wide and holds so much. But I am prepared that this week will be a rough one and I am going to try to be OK, but no guarantees. 

 

And then there are the stories and commentaries about what everyone thinks about Dylan Farrow.  It seems that everyone has an opinion that makes them the expert.  Whether they think that she is wrong or right ? Is she lying or telling the truth ?  What were her motives ?  The list goes on and on.  I see these stories and like everyone one else there is a part of me that closes my eyes and just wants the stories to go away as if that would change things?  Well it doesn't and it won't.  In my busy crazy life I want to close my eyes but in my quiet moments I want to give her a standing ovation and thank her for sharing the truth.  A woman a girl a child doesn't  remember the facts like she does and deserve to be called a liar.  I believe her and I understand the pain.  They all end their commentaries with" well she is happily married and and that is wonderful for her but time does not heal all things and no matter how old that she gets and how many years that she is married that piece of her life will remain the same.  She was abused by her father and that is something that I am learning can never totally go away.  It is sewn into who we are.  No it does not define us but its a piece of cloth in our story.  I believe she is brave, and strong and justified in her actions.  People saying all these wonderful things about a monster tears at a persons soul and to fight back is such a risk and one well worth taking.  My father was seen as this amazing man, a pillar of the church, a great father, and on and on but he was a monster and nothing that anyone can ever say will change that.  My feelings for that man change, I do not like him I do not love him.  I despise him and everything that he stood for.  He has no heart no conscience and claims to be a new creation and therefore all is well.   No that does not work.  I will never pray for him or wish him well, I will focus on myself and healing and all the good things that are ahead of me.  These stories are hard in the news they bring up so much.  My heart goes to Dylan, I understand and believe her and wish her all good things.  There are stories saying that he ,her father, is not a monster, and that these things are "family matters" suggesting that these things should be kept quiet, and none of them is true.  He is a monster, in all meanings of the word.  These things should not be kept quiet they should be respected and people should act.  We can not close our eyes and even I at times want to do that due to the nature of the facts but we can't.  For many of us this is our story and we all have to speak, have to act and do things differently.  When we reach and help each other then we can change things and the focus can be on Dylan and her story and not the perpetrator.  There are so very many things to say and I am not sure that they are coming out the way that I would like.  Just know that when you hear one of these stories there are so very many that you don't hear about and we survivors hear them and our heart breaks because we know.  

 

And sometimes I just want to get away from it all, because it breaks my heart.

 

                                                                 I heart your heart

 

Hello Graduation !

Wow, seriously there are not very many words.  I have worked so very hard.  This past year has been brutal.  So many ups and down but with in a few short months I will be graduating.  I will be a college graduate, I will have a real live degree.  That is more than amazing really, Its pretty close to a Miracle. It became real when I went to my  final student teacher meeting.  I walked on Campus remembering places I had been, places I sat, and places where the kids and I had lunch on those days that they came to campus.  I turned in my application for graduation, no classes left to take.  No more grades to worry about.  I have made it, I am almost there.  I have worked more than hard for this.  I always kept going, kept fighting .  And honestly I am not sure I ever thought I was going to make it here. I knew that I was fighting but I don't think I ever thought about it really happening. I was fighting but I am not sure I always knew what I was fighting for, but today its real.Very real.   I was remembering different classrooms I had been in, I can tell you where I sat and what I had going on.  I know the chairs that held my tears, the teachers that cared and the ones I have forgotten.  The classes that Vincent and Mariska came to when they were about 2 1/2 years old yes , this journey has been this long. Then I found the classroom where my meeting was and the tears just didn't stop.  This is happening, I have made it.  I am not saying others journey is easier than mine, but I am saying that for me to make it to where I am is pretty miraculous.  This is happening,happening to me.  I have made it happen. Its so hard to put all the emotion and feeling into words.  I just sat there it had hit me, I worked really really hard.  I never ever gave up and I am here, waiting to meet my final supervisor.  My head, my heart feels like its on overload.  And a friend of mine wrote : "I never doubted it once! I knew you were climbing mountains, but there was never a question of whether you were CAPABLE of doing it".  And the tears just kept flowing.  Someone who knew my mountains and still knew that I would conquer them, that meant so very much.  I want someone to pinch me, make sure this is happening and its not some crazy dream.

I have said that I am not so sure that I want to walk across the stage.  Only because being in front of people on that big of a scale scares me close to death, but I have worked for this.  I say well maybe I will walk for my children, they have been through a lot too.  But sitting with the others in my Cadre, walking around campus, I want to walk for me.  Not because I will regret it later, not because of anything other than I want to do it for me, dare I say I am proud of myself for doing all that I did and not once did I ever give up.  I want to walk across the stage for those that have seen how far I have come, I want to walk across the stage to show my kids that anything is possible.  I want to walk across the stage as a last chapter, and to starting things new.  It feels like a chapter is coming to a close and amazing things are going  to be happening.  Graduation will be a new start.   Talk about going out with a bang.  I started my classes at UNT going through the court system, I took a break, went back and forth to Boston Testified, came home had Vincent and Mariska, I lost family, found new family.  And I am amazed that I never gave up.  There is just something inside that never once let me ever give up. I am still dependant on others and I hate that but I am in some crazy way more independent than I have ever been.  This season that I am in, is more than difficult, and at the same time there is a peace.  In the chaos a peace that is crazy, beyond explanation. 

So many roadblocks have been in my path, so many hurdles to jump and here I am standing. I have had amazing people step up to help.  I have had things happen that I can not begin to explain.  I have had to ask hard questions and get the kindest responses, "of Coarse" with out a second thought.  I have had people believe in me.  People I  never would have imagined.  I have stepped out of my comfort zone more than I ever thought possible.  I fear writing this, I don't want anyone to think I have a big head or am full of myself because that is not the case at all, its just that I have made it and I can see clearly some of the things that I have come through, and I am completely in awe. I have been through hell and back a few times but I never ever gave up. There are people that I can never ever possibly thank enough.  There are people that are a part of my heart that no matter where I am, will keep in touch.

I will graduate, I will walk across the stage and I will find the perfect job just for me.  I will have a home for my children and I.We will be happy.  I do not know where we will live.  I don't even know if Texas is the place where we were meant to be.  I know that the ocean has a pull on my heart that I can not ignore.  I do not know what state we will live in or where we will be, but I know that I can make it.  I know that good things are coming no matter where we are.  I know for sure that this journey has been long and indescribable, but as always I keep going. I hope that people can always see my kindness and know that it is one of the most important things ever in the world.   New good things will happening, who knows maybe I will find prince charming, maybe I won't, maybe I will be skinny again maybe I won't. Maybe I will finish writing that book, maybe I won't.  Maybe I will have another baby maybe I won't. Maybe I will have a convertible, maybe I won't.  Maybe I will save some children, yep that one is a definite.  Hopefully I will touch a lot of lives, and make a difference to people. Its happening, Its really happening, for me. Good things, really good things.