Hello Graduation !

Wow, seriously there are not very many words.  I have worked so very hard.  This past year has been brutal.  So many ups and down but with in a few short months I will be graduating.  I will be a college graduate, I will have a real live degree.  That is more than amazing really, Its pretty close to a Miracle. It became real when I went to my  final student teacher meeting.  I walked on Campus remembering places I had been, places I sat, and places where the kids and I had lunch on those days that they came to campus.  I turned in my application for graduation, no classes left to take.  No more grades to worry about.  I have made it, I am almost there.  I have worked more than hard for this.  I always kept going, kept fighting .  And honestly I am not sure I ever thought I was going to make it here. I knew that I was fighting but I don't think I ever thought about it really happening. I was fighting but I am not sure I always knew what I was fighting for, but today its real.Very real.   I was remembering different classrooms I had been in, I can tell you where I sat and what I had going on.  I know the chairs that held my tears, the teachers that cared and the ones I have forgotten.  The classes that Vincent and Mariska came to when they were about 2 1/2 years old yes , this journey has been this long. Then I found the classroom where my meeting was and the tears just didn't stop.  This is happening, I have made it.  I am not saying others journey is easier than mine, but I am saying that for me to make it to where I am is pretty miraculous.  This is happening,happening to me.  I have made it happen. Its so hard to put all the emotion and feeling into words.  I just sat there it had hit me, I worked really really hard.  I never ever gave up and I am here, waiting to meet my final supervisor.  My head, my heart feels like its on overload.  And a friend of mine wrote : "I never doubted it once! I knew you were climbing mountains, but there was never a question of whether you were CAPABLE of doing it".  And the tears just kept flowing.  Someone who knew my mountains and still knew that I would conquer them, that meant so very much.  I want someone to pinch me, make sure this is happening and its not some crazy dream.

I have said that I am not so sure that I want to walk across the stage.  Only because being in front of people on that big of a scale scares me close to death, but I have worked for this.  I say well maybe I will walk for my children, they have been through a lot too.  But sitting with the others in my Cadre, walking around campus, I want to walk for me.  Not because I will regret it later, not because of anything other than I want to do it for me, dare I say I am proud of myself for doing all that I did and not once did I ever give up.  I want to walk across the stage for those that have seen how far I have come, I want to walk across the stage to show my kids that anything is possible.  I want to walk across the stage as a last chapter, and to starting things new.  It feels like a chapter is coming to a close and amazing things are going  to be happening.  Graduation will be a new start.   Talk about going out with a bang.  I started my classes at UNT going through the court system, I took a break, went back and forth to Boston Testified, came home had Vincent and Mariska, I lost family, found new family.  And I am amazed that I never gave up.  There is just something inside that never once let me ever give up. I am still dependant on others and I hate that but I am in some crazy way more independent than I have ever been.  This season that I am in, is more than difficult, and at the same time there is a peace.  In the chaos a peace that is crazy, beyond explanation. 

So many roadblocks have been in my path, so many hurdles to jump and here I am standing. I have had amazing people step up to help.  I have had things happen that I can not begin to explain.  I have had to ask hard questions and get the kindest responses, "of Coarse" with out a second thought.  I have had people believe in me.  People I  never would have imagined.  I have stepped out of my comfort zone more than I ever thought possible.  I fear writing this, I don't want anyone to think I have a big head or am full of myself because that is not the case at all, its just that I have made it and I can see clearly some of the things that I have come through, and I am completely in awe. I have been through hell and back a few times but I never ever gave up. There are people that I can never ever possibly thank enough.  There are people that are a part of my heart that no matter where I am, will keep in touch.

I will graduate, I will walk across the stage and I will find the perfect job just for me.  I will have a home for my children and I.We will be happy.  I do not know where we will live.  I don't even know if Texas is the place where we were meant to be.  I know that the ocean has a pull on my heart that I can not ignore.  I do not know what state we will live in or where we will be, but I know that I can make it.  I know that good things are coming no matter where we are.  I know for sure that this journey has been long and indescribable, but as always I keep going. I hope that people can always see my kindness and know that it is one of the most important things ever in the world.   New good things will happening, who knows maybe I will find prince charming, maybe I won't, maybe I will be skinny again maybe I won't. Maybe I will finish writing that book, maybe I won't.  Maybe I will have another baby maybe I won't. Maybe I will have a convertible, maybe I won't.  Maybe I will save some children, yep that one is a definite.  Hopefully I will touch a lot of lives, and make a difference to people. Its happening, Its really happening, for me. Good things, really good things.