At a loss

 I am at a loss I am losing Vincent.  Since my mother died, he has gotten further and further away.  He won't let me help him with anything.  He doesn't talk to me and when he does like it's this half mumbling with his mouth closed.  I am pretty sure that he is doing things that he should not.  I have only smelled it in his room once, but there are the candles and the incense being used to cover the smell. The other night I was awakened by that smell, and I was frozen in my bed.  It would have been a fight. I also walked into his room and his binds were pulled up, I am sure to open the window.  There is the extreme moodiness.  He has even started punching walls.  I catch him in these little lies.... all the time that just don't make sense. He says one thing and does another.  He makes these trips up the street.  He has done it a few times now; does he think I don't notice?  He goes down the street and comes back maybe 15 minutes later.  He is sneaky and I am struggling to trust him right now. He goes to random places, makes random trips and it doesn't look good for him.  I want to believe in him and trust him, but right now I can't.  Tonight, he said he was going to the gym, he was at the park in Anna a very dark park at 11 at night.  No that doesn't make sense.  So many things are not adding up and I am scared for him.  It almost pains him to even have to look at me.  Every question I ask either I don't get a response or get an angered one.  I am afraid for him; I fear that he is taking a wrong turn.  He has completely shut me out.  Even buying groceries for him.  He won't even let me do that.  I even asked him tonight, I said let me know what you need, and I can get it.  He said I don't need anything from you.  Today I saw that he needed milk. I got him some.  I got a shrug of the shoulders. No thank you, no nothing.   I am the enemy, and I don't understand.  I keep reaching out, keep trying and it is hard he is so hurtful and disrespectful. I don't know what is next.  I love him so much and he won't let me care for him.  I feel like things are getting worse and worse.  I wonder when the boiling point is, and when rock bottom will happen.  I keep trying I am his mom, but I am spent. He hates me, he hates everything I stand for. It is more than hurtful.  People say he will come around, and with all that I am I hope that is true. 

I heart your heart. 

The day that changed Everything

 

This day 19 years ago I just wanted to belong. I woke up a girl. Went to bed a mom. I wanted to believe that I was just a normal girl going for lunch and helping him shop.  I wanted to just be that fun, outgoing girl. Instead, this day changed everything about me for the rest of my entire life. Nothing would ever ever ever be the same again. There was the person I was On August 21st and the person I became August 22nd. Every single part of my life would be changed forever. One second there was excitement and joy I was going to be normal, the next;  pleas and darkness. The story of my life.

There is a part of me that feels lucky, my soul wasn't there for the assault. I never felt a thing. My body was there; my body experienced what he did, but I was far far away.  It is more than hard to have words for things that I don't fully understand.  That moment when my pleas were not heard, and I knew exactly what was going to happen.  He purposely put that pillow over my face and my entire world went black.  I was so far away. my body was there, like I have to say it again in my head to prove what he did; that man using me, but my mind and soul were gone. 
He was done and left the room going into the restroom across the hall. I got the wrinkles out of the bed, fixed my pillows.  I was in shock, I put clothes on, I can hear the conversations in my head telling myself that everything was fine, he would leave soon. He was mumbling, I remember looking at the ground and he was putting his sandals on he had terribly ugly feet. I don't even remember the words.  I was cleaning up, all of the sudden there was a rush, he left in a hurry talking about his shiny BMW.  I had tears rolling down my face.  We were supposed to go shopping, have lunch.  We were supposed to laugh and for a time I was going to just be a normal girl. He left I went to bed and cried myself to sleep.  I am a clean up specialist, clean up and forget that things ever happened.  That is what I tried to do.  

Not even two weeks later, the morning sickness started. I was pregnant.  

It was someone at work, that said I bet you ae pregnant.  I laughed it off ; then the realization hit.  I took the test and yes two pink lines appeared in seconds.  I laid on the floor and cried with my dog.  That was the only time that I cried.  The next day I can remember going into walmart getting Ginger Ale and saltines, I was standing there in express check out and I was excited, I was going to be a mom.  I can remember trying to catch a few people's eyes like someone how they should ask me about the things I was holding in my arms.  There was a sense of happy, that I only had when I was pregnant. 

Nothing else mattered really.  I was going to be a mom and they were the best part of me.  I didn't acknowledge what happened to me, Charles was non-existent in my head.  In my mind I was just a slut, this is just what happens in my life.  There were a few questions by others when they found out.  My counselor asked if I was drinking or doing drugs.  My brother was mad, I forgot the reason why.  I can remember he was in Breckenridge, and morning sickness and all I drove to see him.  No one knew the hell or what happened to me. I didn't even acknowledge it until after my children were in elementary school.  I could not acknowledge what happened to me and my wonderful, amazing children.  I still sometimes struggle separating the two.  What happened to me, and yet I love my children more than life. They are so intertwined together.  

No one spoke to me.  No one asked questions.  Even my first visit to see Dr. Cardenas, he asked about their father, and I started talking about mine, because Charles wasn't even a thought.  If people stopped to understand my reactions, they would have known the questions to ask, and I would have been treated differently.  My mother asked no questions, just made rude comments that were totally inappropriate.  My brother made rude comments. I was al alone in the world, with my sweet babies growing inside.  I was just a slut, and I took that as truth.  If I didn't want to be normal.  None of those things would have happened to me. 

I find myself thinking about why this day hurts so much.  Really, I wasn't hurt, I didn't feel anything. It wasn't even until years later that I could even acknowledge what happened.  And it wasn't until 17 years later that I realized he purposely put that pillow on my face.  Random pillows don't just fall.  I literally just went away.  I wish that I could just move on, and not have this hole inside because of what happened.  There are so many holes and sometimes I wish that I had a clearer picture.  I did get pregnant what kind of picture do I need? So many questions that I can't answer.  Some days I am ok because I have my two beautiful children. Other days, I am devastated because this is what I am good for.  I hope in time things will become clearer in my head, and I am able to find some peace.  There are going to be pieces I will never understand and that has to be ok too.  I am more than grateful for my children, and I hate what happened to me. 

I heart your heart.

A simple bath

 

There is nothing simple about me. 

A simple bath to relax and soak. 

No, for me it is not that simple

just being there, trying to relax

there is a dark that creeps in 

It starts in the corner of my eyes

and tunnel vision sets in

until there is so little light

And the feeling of intense danger

I just go away

To a place that is safe and warm

far away from any memory or harm

Sometimes I can reach for the light and quickly get out of the so dark place

Other times it's so fast, I get lost and forget to shave a leg or rinse the shampoo

Someday I hope I can just have a bath that is just a bath. 

And there won't be a need for my world to go black.

I was never a liar

 I am not a liar 

I am not 

even though you made me believe that I was

Your cruel words and terrible accusations 

You never saw me, that so sad little girl

I am not a liar 

Because I wasn't your perfect picture of a victim

No, I wasn't pretty 

No, I wasn't popular 

You are correct I didn't fit in

I was different 

Please remember I was the one 

that was well prepared to keep everything that happened to myself

Not for a single second did I want to tell anyone

Your first words should we get a pregnancy test, that was the smartest thing you said. 

Then you would have known the truth, I was not a liar

For me this was nothing new, rape was a common occurrence, just a daily act of life

I am not a liar 

Because I didn't fit into your perfect victim box

I am not a liar because I kept everything together

That is the only thing that I knew how to do. Smile, keep everything together

I was not the girl that ever-wanted attention, Attention got me hurt

You wanted me to have words that I didn't have

You wanted me to be weak

You wanted me to be hysterical 

You wanted me to have answers, that I could not find

I am not a liar

I have believed your lies, and felt like I was everything wrong and disgusting

I was the unpopular girl who would want to do that to me

I was the girl on the outside

I lied to get attention, right? that is what you went around telling everyone

What were you so afraid of, pointing fingers and blaming a child?

I wasn't lying, I wasn't!  

Lying would have been easier than the hell I went through

At least when I kept it to myself no one could do anything

Because they didn't know

But even when you did know, you did nothing but point fingers and blame.

You were so wrong, I wanted help not attention.

I was not a liar the first time.

I was not a liar the second time

I was not a liar the third time

I was not lying, and I wanted nothing from you other than safety and support

of which I got none

I wish I knew what you thought would come of this for me? 

I already believed I was an unworthy waste of a person who got what she deserved

I believed she was a slut who asked for it 

Your words made me believe all of those things and worse 

A liar.  I was not a liar. 

She was a girl that lived a million lifetimes that you could never comprehend

I was a girl that covered every track trying to protect everyone around me

I was a lot of things, but a liar was not one of them. 

You could have helped, supported and loved.  But instead, you turned the other way

I have paid dearly for your lack of care and support

All these years later I carry your words and still have to fight them

You were the adult and instead of doing the right thing......

You turned everyone against a child raped and brutalized, you turned a little girl into the laughingstock

I was not a liar, I never was.  I just needed someone to step up and care for my heart.

I needed someone to be a soft place to fall and that was what I never got. 

I heart your heart 

This year will be different

 Today is only Aug 7 but I can already feel it in my bones.  I passed Raytheon yesterday and that terrible awful feeling in the pit of my stomach was alive and well. There are so many thoughts and yet no thoughts at the same time.  The terror and the fear were more than real yesterday.   This year will be different because in the past it was just another  day, my day , my anniversary that changed every single thing about my life.  It is hard to believe that 19 years later I would be where I am. There is a part of me that always had to hide parts of this day because, my mother could never understand the weight of this day that has brought me to where I am.  This year she is not here and I am free to feel and express all the emotions and feelings in my heart that have had to be kept silent.  

This is a day that doesn't matter to anyone but me,  this is a day that feels heavy and dark and yet there is also so much love and light.  It is a day that my mother never knew about, she never cared to ask.  She never thought it was important to ask me questions and find out about my life. Find out about this huge important part of my life.  I often wonder what she thought of me,  I worry if she thought of me as a slut a floosy a girl that would do anything for attention. I will never know. She never asked a single thing about their father, how I got pregnant, what I thought about things .  She made it pretty clear what she thought at times.  There are comments that were made, that were utterly heartbreaking,  and no matter how much time has passed, I can still hear the cold words from my family, I can see where everyone was sitting or standing; my brothers words, my mothers words, they cut me open and they didn't care.  My children were all that mattered and they were cruel and dismissive.  They made a joke out of my children.   

So this year there will be no hiding.  There will be no pretending what comes will come and that will be ok.  I will be grateful, I may be sad, I may cry , maybe even a lot.  All of these things have brought me here today.  I want to do this day and hold my head high even with this heavy heart.

Vincent and Mariska you are and always will be my world. Everything I have done since that day 19 years ago is all for you. Someday I hope that with my entire heart and soul that you can understand that. 

I heart your heart .