This year will be different

 Today is only Aug 7 but I can already feel it in my bones.  I passed Raytheon yesterday and that terrible awful feeling in the pit of my stomach was alive and well. There are so many thoughts and yet no thoughts at the same time.  The terror and the fear were more than real yesterday.   This year will be different because in the past it was just another  day, my day , my anniversary that changed every single thing about my life.  It is hard to believe that 19 years later I would be where I am. There is a part of me that always had to hide parts of this day because, my mother could never understand the weight of this day that has brought me to where I am.  This year she is not here and I am free to feel and express all the emotions and feelings in my heart that have had to be kept silent.  

This is a day that doesn't matter to anyone but me,  this is a day that feels heavy and dark and yet there is also so much love and light.  It is a day that my mother never knew about, she never cared to ask.  She never thought it was important to ask me questions and find out about my life. Find out about this huge important part of my life.  I often wonder what she thought of me,  I worry if she thought of me as a slut a floosy a girl that would do anything for attention. I will never know. She never asked a single thing about their father, how I got pregnant, what I thought about things .  She made it pretty clear what she thought at times.  There are comments that were made, that were utterly heartbreaking,  and no matter how much time has passed, I can still hear the cold words from my family, I can see where everyone was sitting or standing; my brothers words, my mothers words, they cut me open and they didn't care.  My children were all that mattered and they were cruel and dismissive.  They made a joke out of my children.   

So this year there will be no hiding.  There will be no pretending what comes will come and that will be ok.  I will be grateful, I may be sad, I may cry , maybe even a lot.  All of these things have brought me here today.  I want to do this day and hold my head high even with this heavy heart.

Vincent and Mariska you are and always will be my world. Everything I have done since that day 19 years ago is all for you. Someday I hope that with my entire heart and soul that you can understand that. 

I heart your heart .