The thing about drowning

 I have been more than a little frustrated lately and I have been trying to find the right words to explain what I am feeling things that are going on. I feel like life isn't very kind right now, and I am so sad.  Life is hard right now, like really hard and I am beyond struggling.  I would even say I am close to drowning. So I think that I finally have a picture in my head about what it feels like.  This isn't a poor me, I promise it's just the way that things seem to go for me. There is no break, there is no rest.  There is not a single moment when someone says, I have got this you rest.  For this life there is no reprieve, no soft place to no moment when this life isn't heavy. I do everything, because that is just what Ido that is what I know how to do really.  Most of the time, I can ignore and not worry that I am mostly alone in this world; it just is the way that it is.  Then there are times, I wish that I didn't just keep going keeping everything together all the time. 

Here is the picture. Close your eyes and imagine this is my life and my experience in this life.

You look out into the ocean.  There are two identical people.  They are way out in the deep, so far away.  They are just in the water it's a beautiful day.  Then all of the sudden it isn't.  They both begin flailing their arms, bobbing under the water. They are in a fight for life.  Most people just keep going on with their own lives and are too busy to even notice what is happening.  Then there are a few people that notice something isn't right, but they are too busy to lend a hand.  There are a few people that notice but they think these people are waving so they wave and keep going on with their own life.  Then there are a few people that come in closer and see if they can help. The two people flailing in the water think that help is coming, and for a few moments there is hope. The difference is even those that come closer always think that I am just waiving.  And as always, the other person is thrown a life preserver and I am left with a wave.  

I am not sure that this makes sense to anyone else really but that is what it is like for me.  I think sometimes when I am flailing, I think OMG why no one is helping me, why is no one making sure that I am. And I see another person is less distress less anguish and they are given life support.  I don't understand.  I know that I always keep going.  I know that is what I do but I need a life preserver, I need a lifeboat.  I need someone to notice that I am indeed not waving but drowning. 

Drowning seems to be a theme for me lately.  I feel like I am drowning in this life.  

I heart your heart.