This morning I actually had a dream that I didn't want to wake up from. I was so cared for and everyone that was in it was more than gentle with me. I was an adult but felt like I was getting the things that I needed as a little girl. I was totally removed from my family and with a different family. There was a mom and a dad and a few other girls. It was kind of like a re-do for some situations and how things should have been. The feelings were so warm, and it felt like I for once wasn't on my own. I want to hold on to this dream forever. There was almost this battle between the little girl wanting to be cared for and the adult who was confused because she always had to do everything. It just felt like a series of different scenarios and in each one I was met with kindness, gentleness and protection. There are parts of the dream that I would give anything to hold onto, things I never got to experience. I was safe with the father, and I knew that he wasn't going to hurt me. He was not ok with the things that were done to me, and he wanted to make my heart feel safe and secure. He wanted to protect me and keep me safe from any harm. The mom was so attentive, when there was a mess, I was not left alone to clean things on my own. There was reassurance and support. There were feelings of doubt but as the dream went on there were soft tears that somehow, I was finally ok. Somehow, they were going to help me heal. I knew that they couldn't change the things that happened to me, but they were there to bear the burden and let me know that I wasn't so awful. Most of the dream was more about feelings than anything, but there were two different situations that stuck out.
The first one was a time when my father had left, it was an exceptionally rough night. I was bleeding and scared. There seemed to be a lot and I was panicking. I did what I always do, cleaned up get rid of any evidence and went back to bed. I can remember waking up in the morning and something red had spilled in the bathroom. It literally looked like blood and I was terrified that someone was going to find out what happened to me the night before. In the dream I woke up to take a shower and I saw all the blood all over the bathroom floor and panic set in. I was embarrassed that I didn't do my job didn't hide what had happened to me and yet the mom came in and was reassuring, she was going to clean the mess she didn't think any less of me, she was concerned and was helping me. The dad was ever so gentle. There was such a feeling of caring. He held me in a hug that makes everything ok. A hug that makes everything better and he wasn't letting go. He was reassuring that I was going to be ok, that I didn't do anything wrong. In the dream he gently kissed my forehead and said how sorry that he was, that those things weren't supposed to happen. So gentle with such kindness. I wanted to stay in that moment forever. I was so cared for. I was being taken care of; I didn't have to clean the mess. But there was also no Shame because for once it wasn't my fault. It wasn't my fault that I was hurt, and bleeding and it wasn't my fault that I couldn't clean up everything. And I didn't want to wake up if things were ever really like that for me, if that being taking care of was the norm, I cannot even imagine how very different that my life would be. Being able to live and be who you are knowing that whatever happened to you; you would still be so loved and that nothing would ever make them love you less. That is huge.
I didn't even have to ask for the things that I needed because it was just done. They just did it. I was walking around this house safe and supported. I was so used to having to walking on eggshells and around every corner they were reminding me that I didn't have to.
I really didn't want to wake up. I didn't have to hide. The shame and embarrassment were gone. Somehow what happened to me was just as terrible, but I wasn't terrible the thing that happened to me was. Made me sad that I have this dream just a dream as a 47 year old woman, when that is all I ever wanted as a little girl. All I ever wanted was to feel important, to be cared for and so loved even when the unimaginable happened.
If I was that loved as a little girl, then the things that went on as I got older never would have happened. I can't help but think about my father's part in what happened to me as a teenager.
Because if he ever truly loved me, he would not have hurt me but would have made sure that no one else ever did. Instead, it's like he set me up to be hurt over and over to take the blame off him. I may never know what that safe dad feeling is but, in that dream, I felt it with all that I am, and I hope that I can always hold a piece of that.
I heart your heart.
No comments:
Post a Comment