Tired of Being ok

 I am more than tired of being OK but really what else is there to be ?  I hear stories of these people who totally break down,  can't do a thing.  Can't take care of themselves and those around them.  Stories of moms that have to go away like leave their life and and I am not sure that I understand that.  Because for me there really is no other way to be. No matter what you just keep going.  If I need a break, if I am not ok too bad keep going because those ae things that have to get done.  This is also a bad thing because everyone always thinks that you are fine. Well you are functioning you are doing everything that needs to get done. They don't even ask if you are ok, because that is just what you do.  

I am not ok here I am drowning.

 

 I am drowning in the process of trying to heal,  I am drowning in being a single mom to twin 18 year old's.  I am drowning being a teacher and owning a home and doing everything all on my own.  So yes.  I am very tired of being ok. I am tired of never being able to stop, and having to do absolutely everything on my own.  

People don't see so much, they don't see the hysterical crying hitting yourself because you don't know what to do with the emotions that you are feeling.  They don't see the tears that fall when a song comes on on your way to work.  They don't hear the screams in your car, because you have to let out so much that is stuck inside.  The sleepless nights, the long days all the work that is never done.  

There are things in this life I would do all over again,  but the drowning the pretending to be OK al the time.  The just keep going mind set , I am not sure how long I can keep going like I am something has got to give.  I had one good dream the other night and it was like a miracle.  That should not be the extraordinary in a day that keep you going. 

Just keep going is what I have don since I was a child that isn't going to go away, but I need some help, a respite from all the things that are inside that make me feel like I am getting further and further behind, and sinking faster and faster. 

I think another part of this is times when I think that I am thrashing, when I feel like people should see the things that are going on.....they don't see the things that I am feeling they see the calm waters and have no clue that I am barely keeping my head above water. 

I can remember seeing something once that has stuck with me for a long time.  I can be in the center of the ocean flailing, bobbing under the water and people would just think I am waving.  I am not waiving,  I need a life vest, Because I am going under.  I am not ok. 

I heart your heart