I feel the need to write because I don't know what else to do. There is this anxious feeling that I am in trouble. There are feelings that I am not sure what to do with. There are very big feeling spinning around and I feel like I have done something terribly wrong. I feel like the cat that ate the canary. I am trying to find my words for things because I haven't had any for so long. I have been more open and not keeping things back but in doing that I also have this feeling like OMG what have you done Callahan. Can't you just shut up. I want to be open; I want to be able to talk about the things that have hurt me so deeply but these last few weeks doing that feel like I should take them all back and keep them inside where maybe they belong. I am not sure, It kind of feels like when I pressed charges and decided it was the right thing to do, I had to keep Angela safe. I felt like i had done something terrible opening that can of worms. Today that is exactly what I feel. Like I am opening parts of me that have been buried for a very very long time. I know it's a good thing but right now it feels like a lot. I need to be that little kid curled up in the corner rocking wanting things to get better, wanting the truth to be different. Desperately wanting and wishing that someone had done their job when I was 13 so I didn't have to do this now. I think there is a lot of Anger at all the people that failed. Not one person or professional did their job. I can make a list of all the people that disregarded me for one reason or the other. I was not cared for. My heart was not protected and the people that were around me made everything worse by their words, actions and inactions. I told them and they left me like a fish out of water, floundering alone gasping for air. I was left to drown as a thirteen-year-old girl. All my life I have felt like she was so adult so old. She took care of everything did everything herself. That was truly only because she had too, because she knew that there was no one that was going to stick up for her. She was not an adult, she was not a woman she was a young 13-year-old girl that was dying inside and not a single fucking person saw that and did anything to help. They were there giving their opinions and pointing fingers at a child and refusing to help.
I get angry at myself for the things that I don't remember; the things that I can't figure out and don't have answers for. I can tell you that I tried hard to find help. I tried more than hard to let people know that I was not ok and that I couldn't do everything on my own and I was left. Not one adult did their job to take care of me. Not a dr not a counselor not a teacher. Not a single person stepped up for me. I know that at that time there were things that people didn't understand, there were not specific rules to keep someone like me safe. At the same time, there should not have to be rules and procedures; someone should have taken care of me because it was the right thing to do. Because I was only a thirteen-year-old girl. When I think back there were times, I was screaming for someone to help me and everyone's first reaction was to deny, accuse me of lying and pretend that everything was fine. Nothing in my life was fine, that girl was dying right before their eyes. That girl in front of them went to Florida not expecting to come home because she was hurting that much. That girl had to connect with a pelican, and whales to feel like she had a reason to even breathe. That is serious and that is a problem.
That girl had to dig deep and yet she always found things to keep her going. She notices the smallest flower, the birds singing. She noticed the little ones that needed an extra hug. She noticed everything around her all the time. She noticed the days with no clouds and the days the clouds made pictures. Those were the things that gave her the air she needed to be where she is today. Those are the things that gave her breath and life. Someday I would love to be in a room with all of those people who let me down who ignored pointed fingers and blamed me. I want to be on a stage with all those that believed me and cared for my heart standing behind me and I want to tell them how their actions or lack of action has affected me to this day. I want to acknowledge those that have stood by me and let me speak let me be real and let me cry. Those that have said I am so sorry I would have done things different. I would have loved that little girl. I am so tired of believing their words that were like daggers in my soul. I am tired of believing that this little girl had things all figured out. I am tired of others inactions that made me suffer. I was a little girl. I deserved better. I needed to be held, I need to cry, and I needed someone to keep me safe and all of those things were things that I should have had. I cannot go back; I cannot make things any different no matter how hard that I try. Today all I can do is keep talking until the words don't come. Keep believing that someday with all my hard work, I won't be so sad anymore. Someday I will feel like a whole person, broken in places but still whole. Someday someday.
I heart your heart
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