Sadness of a Saturday

 I have been up a long time just working on school stuff getting ready for the upcoming year.  My favorite playlist is on you tube.  Songs that mean the most and the tears just start.  That hard cry, that shakes your core The kind that are because of everything and nothing all at the same time.  There is so many things to be happy about and yet the tears keep flowing.  The tears that come with no rhyme or reason.  The tears that fall with no sound but the force of the mightiest waterfall.  That kind of cry.  I am tired of doing this life mostly alone.  I do have a few really good friends and for that I am more than grateful. But I don't have a person that is all mine, that is there all the time just because I need them. People have their own families. I need that and I want that.  Every song seems to be a reminder of times when I was left, and I fear that those feelings and experiences will forever be a part of me.  I am left with memories that I am not sure what to do with.  I am struggling to breathe and find where I belong in this world.  This morning I am trying to focus on my heartbeat, the thing most necessary for life.  I struggle, I am struggling in every sense of the word. I am trying to move forward and desperately trying to deal with the past. I don't want to see the things that are holding me back but I don't know how not too.  So many overwhelming feelings, crashing into me and I am more than afraid. 

I heart your heart