A new Day

 Another year, the day is over.  It was not noticed, only just another day.  I got a different view and another piece of PEACE. My very own PEACE.  The things that I carry about this day; my children don't carry.  And that is exactly why they can go on like they always did even before they knew.  They don't carry one single piece about what was done early on that day!!!  That is huge.  My fear was that they would carry the weight that I do and they just don't.  They know I am there and nothing will change that. And today I got another view, a view that kind of changes everything. The shame for me that it still happened is there, I can’t change it I CAN NOT , no matter how hard I try make it different.  But I can let it go.  A view that I had never thought of before.  And it doesn’t make anything easier, but it makes things a little clearer.  I feel awful that what happened is such a huge burden that my children are paying the price for.   But that awful thing happened and then I got a gift. For one minute lets think of the other side.  I chose to have them. I chose to love them and give them all that I had. Not once did I miss a single second, of them growing up becoming the amazing people that they are today.  I did that.  I made those choices and I was strong and I was brave and I have my amazing children, regardless of Charles choices that were so very hurtful to me.  He can’t hurt my children and can’t take their greatness away from them. I was afraid that somehow this day would take that from them, that Charles could somehow steal their joy!!! He can't , he can't take mine and i won't let him steal theirs.  They are the children that they are today,  because of the things that I did, and there has to be something powerful in that. I am their mom and nothing is ever going to take that away. NOTHING.  I am going to take that piece of brave and run with it.  A lot of people could have made very different decisions, I made the right one for me and I have been blessed every since.  What happened changed things, it was so hard and over the years I have thought about him some but my thoughts are my children and I have to focus on that.  They do not carry the things that I do, they do not have to carry that shame, and I am more than grateful.  There are so many things to say, and I know that this is huge piece to let go...HUGE those moments that were so awful, gave me something beautiful and nothing can take that. Nothing. 

Oh my children if you knew just how much I love you, even more today than yesterday. <3  

You are MY amazing children. 

I heart your heart. Always.     

So yesterday was just another day.  I survived like I do everyday.  There was an ache in my heart but today is a new day.  I went to my class organized, fixed things.  We went to hockey practice.  We did some school shopping, they are growing up, and I am amazed.  Things are going to be OK.  School starts tomorrow, 6th grade and that is unbelievable!!  I start my new job, as a real teacher.  The year ahead is going to be lots of amazing, and good things are coming.  Vincent and Mariska were amazing this past week while I was at school preparing for  the year.  They cleaned, folded laundry, made dinner did the trash, I mean they were amazing this week.  There was a few rough moments, I just want to do things right.  I got frustrated, poor Vincent cried, I apologized and again thanked him for all that he did.  Dreams are coming true, things are happening and this time ahead of us is going to be the best we have ever seen.  I am glad that they do not carry the things that I do and I hope as time goes on as even more dreams come true, I won't carry them so much either.

Oh my precious Vincent and Mariska, I would do that day all over again just to have you in my life.  We are going to be OK, we are going to be GREAT. 

I heart your heart 

All kinds of Rape.

This isn't pretty I can promise you that but its necessary. I still cringe when I hear the word, I hate it. I wish that it wasn't a word at all.   Did you know that there are all kinds of rape.  I mean they are all the same thing,  they are all as painful and hurtful and take things that a person can never get back.  For me, my brain has made them into categories. I have experienced way to many kinds, and no person should ever have to experience any kind at all.  I guess everyone deals with it differently.  Some seem more affected than others and I always wonder how in the world they do it, I fight all the time just getting out of bed being a normal person in society.  I wake up feeling like i got hit by a Mack truck because I even have to fight people off in my sleep, and then i wake up still fighting.  That is the PTSD that is the result of the years and years that I was repeatedly raped, starting at 5. That sentence is mind blowing, and one no one should ever have to write.

When you are raped that young, my little brain couldn't even comprehend what was happening.  This is the innocence that is gradually taken.  I was not sure what was happening but I learned quickly what was expected and what I had to do.  There was never a time I remember not knowing what he wanted.  That is the kind of rape, that hurts to my very core. It changes how you think about yourself and takes things that I can never get back.  When I was that young, there is no understanding, there is no safety.  I was five what in the world was I going to do, he was an adult man.  He was my father.  If he didn't protect me, love me who ever in the world would?  When you are raped at 5, there is a violence to that because a  5 year old is not meant for what is happening.  Their bodies are not made for what those men wanted, and their little minds are completely overwhelmed, unable to even process or comprehend such adult behavior.  Its amazing the things that a young girl learns, to just hide the bloody underwear, clean up the mess pretend that everything is OK.  Day after day after day.

As it continues to happen as a child gets older the shame creeps in.  The child realizes what is happening, and that realization makes them feel so incredibly shameful and embarrassed.  For me this was around fifth grade.  When I got the puberty talk at school.  When you know what is happening to you, but there are words and names and all of those around you think how gross that Sex is and you realize, this is what has been happening to you, since the earliest that you can even remember.  You pull away from people, you know how very different that you are.  You feel so very gross and disgusting,  this is your father that is using you for his sexual needs.  He has done it for so long no force is really needed you know what you have to do.  You learn what makes it easier, and your body has grown and things are not so painful anymore.  Its sad, but things become normal.  This is just what happens to you.  You are having sex with your own father at night and playing with your dolls.  You learn to make what is happening to you Normal, and it is everything but normal.  For me it was like living in two worlds really and and that is just the way that it has to be.  You are still a child, but your mind has experienced things that it can't understand and becomes more than overwhelmed with even little life things.  Friends, playing, the normal kid things where does that fit in when rape has been a part of your life from the earliest that you can remember ?  How does a little kid know what real normal is ?  What real playing is like ?  THEY DON"T, THEY DON"T AT ALL.  There is a feeling that this is just what happens.  You start to get a voice to protest and that does not go over well and makes things worse for you really, you learn to go away, your brain shuts off and literally goes somewhere else.  Sometimes its cowering in a corner, sometimes its somewhere so far away you are not even in the same room.

Then for me comes the neighbor.  Again it started so young, you really think that this is just what happens.  Your father all the time then this other man that your family knows.  You watch them interact and you feel so small.  You wonder what in the world that you are doing so wrong.  You wonder why they don't love you.  He was more hurtful, more forceful. The neighbor was Albert he was pretty brutal.  Not that my father had any concern for my well being but there was even less with Albert.  He was more threatening, outwardly.  I guess with my father, there was no need for those threats they were built in.  Albert made sure that I knew who was in charge and he proved it by killing my tadpoles, telling me it was my fault, I was the one that fought.  He played games, was more than cruel and didn't care.  I will always wonder if they knew what the other was doing.  When a five year old is having sex how do they not ?  Albert finally moved away and it was a relief when only the rapes continued by my father.  Being raped by one person, is sad but much easier then being raped by your father and a neighbor.  There was no break there was always someone that wanted something from you.

My father is the common thread in all of this, In my head I think that he had to have known.  He could pretend all that he wanted.   How do you not know. HOW. I know I was great at hiding things, but Jesus, not that good.  Did people just not see because they couldn't ?  So they just left a little girl to fend for her self because it was too painful for them ?  Is that it ?

Then the gang rape at thirteen.  It doesn't get worse than that really.  The violence, the absolute horror,  this was another level of vicious, that a mind can never comprehend.  I thought that I must have been this absolutely detestable person.  I to this day can not comprehend the violence.  There are some pieces that I am sure I will ever get over, that I will ever have a place for in my head.  Maybe even not beyond my lips, I don't know. You fight with all that you have and its not enough, and then you fight more and nothing works.  There are moments that you are just more than hysterical, because nothing in the world makes any sense at all.  Every sense, every emotion is so overwhelmed, that you just want the world to end, because you don't think there is any way to come back to life, and you don't really want to either.  This is the kind that kills a part of you, that destroys everything, in every way; that you have ever known.  You were still breathing but during those hours that was not life, that was hell.  I sit here staring at the screen not even knowing what to write there is nothing, no words.  It was the most unimaginable thing . You just want to die,you don't even want to live anymore.

Then you get a break in life.  No rapes no assaults for years and your body is still always ready and waiting for what someone might want.  You become so in tune to everything around you every ounce of danger that "COULD" be.  You live, but life is more than scary.  When these things happen over and over that is how you see the world.  It's terrifying and exhausting.  And at the same time its absolutely all that you know.  And I have been told we don't live in absolutes but for me that was my life.

As the years pass, the assaults get further away with each day, each minute, each second but the damage is always there.  You crave kindness more than anything and are scared to death because that how it can start, but you know that is not how its going to end.  You live, you go on with life but there are parts of you that are numb, that will never be the same.  The things that have happened you can't take back and you live wit the constant intrusions, while all the time continuing the day, but you are rarely in the moment, because you can't if you were in the moment you would have to feel all the hurt and your heart simply couldn't take it.  You already feel damaged, to live in the moment is carrying the weight of the world like there is no one else in the world.  When this is your life you are the only person in the entire world.  Its lonely.

In time that loneliness hurts more and you think you have to try to live you want to feel, you want to believe that there is someplace where danger is not a constant so you try and you try in all the wrong places.  And your body gets in situations and it just shuts down.  That is exactly what happened when I was 29.  I wanted so much to be normal, I wanted kindness and I let my guard down and I was raped.  And I can tell you that I don't even remember a lot of it, and that more than scares me.  I tried to fight I tried, to scream but I am not sure that anything came out.  My brain took over and I survived.   I remember his shirt coming off, and thinking "NO this can not happen"  and then i remember the pillow falling on my face, I can tel you my head was turned to the left and I was gone just like that. I was so far away, I can't tell you what happened, it was like I wasn't there.  I know that I was, only my head my heart was somewhere else, in a place far away.  I didn't come back until he was done and got off of me, and was leaving. My body and mind knew and took over.


So there are all kinds of rapes, the child ones, the older ones the ones when the world turns black because they are so overwhelming.  They are all rape and the way that a person deals with them.  They are all destructive and tear at a persons soul.  Someone was arguing once saying a part of them dies that they didn't see their assault that way, but I do. Pieces of me are dead and I can never get them back.  I am working on trying to get some pieces back, bring parts of me back to life but I don't know sometimes if its possible.  I am sure that as I find people that are there and do stay that I can heal.  But I am not sure about some of those deepest darkest spots, because that is all i ever knew.  I see the light today, I continue to work on these pieces, its exhausting, its often overwhelming but I keep fighting.  Sometimes I don't even know why, I think its in my bones.  There are so many times that giving up would be such a better option but I keep fighting.  There is such a drive to make sure that people see things different, that people do things different treat people different, sometimes that drive is a good thing, sometimes it is not.  But I am still here and someday this is all going to make sense to me and i am going to understand what it all means and how it fits into the big picture. Though right now I don't know about anything.  I am just trying to keep one foot in front of the other and keep my head above water.    

  

I heart your heart.

Broken together Only We aren't Broken at ALL

I do dread this day every year and what it means for me and my children. It will go unnoticed by the world I am sure, just another Saturday. But my heart will always remember. My heart will be grieving. I try to do something, try to make it mean something; anything other than what it is.  Last year The kids and I went to see The Fault in Our Stars; yea that probably was not the best idea.  I cried through 90% of the movie and for hours afterwards. I sat in the car texting my then counselor in tears that this day just wasn't fair.  Oh I tried to be normal, but  I just couldn't.  And again this year I am going to try to not think about it, not make it bigger than what it is. But I am not sure that its going to happen and I have to be OK with that.  I have to give myself time and space. This is something big, that not only affects me but my most precious children. Each year its going to be something new another piece that I didn't experience the year before. This year there is a new big piece. This year my children know about their father.  They do not know about this date ; they are not ready. But they know.  This year there is a heaviness that I feel I placed on their hearts, and a heaviness in my heart for all that it means for them and for us as a family. I am sure that as each year passes there will be more and more questions that I need to be prepared for, and ready to answer.  Some may be hard,  some may not.  I have to be prepared either way for anything that they might need.  I want them to know that they can ask me anything even when the answers aren't so neat and pretty, or easy.  I have to be brave and strong, answer them, I can melt, fall apart, scream  later.  I don't at all feel brave or strong.  For me I want to skip this day, and get to the good parts where I have my children. But the world doesn't stop.

I can remember when I met my OB doctor and the early blood work and they take history and all of that and he would ask questions about the father.  And I am sure, he had to have thought I was completely stupid or insane.  Sitting there as he asked questions, I was in a state that I can't explain. I would kind of shrug, kind of half answer, and say quietly I don't know.  Those questions about family history, those kind of things it was overwhelming! I didn't even acknowledge what had happened to me. And he was asking about traits and characteristics of this man, that I didn't even want to acknowledge!  It was dreadfully difficult, my heart was breaking. I can remember the moment I told him the date that I got pregnant.  I told him August 22. He asked how I could be so sure, with this half smile on his face like I was crazy.  I said that I was sure, I was more than positive.  And he laughed a little, well we can't be that sure. No one ever really knows for sure. But he was wrong I could be that sure. My insides were devastated, how could I tell my truth? Even he didn't believe me.  My mother even said I got pregnant on purpose. I learned  quickly to keep it to myself. He got out his little due date calculator thing; he thought it was funny I did not.  I didn't have anything left to really tell him the truth. I am sure he would have been different, hopefully a little kinder but I didn't say a word. I couldn't, I didn't know how. For me there were so many reminders of being 13, and people saying well that just doesn't happen.  And who would want to do that to you.  Those thoughts were all swirling in my brain, only I wasn't 13 anymore.  These babies I was going to keep safe and sound. From so many I learned that I wouldn't be believed anyway, so I was quiet. No I was silent, only shedding tears when no one was around.   Dr.Cardenas said OK, but his voice said something so very different.  In my head I believed he saw the slut that I believed I was and it made me sad.  I was this awful person that had made a mess of things.  The loneliness in those moments, there were no words.  My only words were talking to my children, petting my ever growing belly and telling them all that i was going to give them and how I was going to keep them safe.

This day forever changed my life and the way it started was nothing that I ever planned. I was looking for something normal, I was looking for a friend, I just wanted some kindness.It was the worst day and the best day.  The worst because once again I was not listened to, I was hurt, I was ignored I was used.  In those same moments I was made a mom and that is a gift that I will always be grateful for I got my amazing Vincent and Mariska and was on my way back to life again.  This is a day that I have to heal my own pieces and yes my children are my biggest blessing, but I can't ignore the pieces about me and what happened that are the tragic part of the story.

This year, this is a day that I will think about totally different than I ever have before because now I don't carry the burden on my own.   It was explained to me there are pieces of this that I have to carry.  Pieces that my children have to carry but there are pieces that we can all carry and work through together.  Not one of us planned for things to be like this, there is no easy way to talk about or to be ready for the questions and actions that may occur in the future. I carry much of the burden, but I can not even imagine what it must be like for my children. Together we will work on these broken pieces and I am sure that when we are finished, its going to be something so beautiful, no one will ever know it came from such pain. They know bare minimum now, later as they ask more mature questions as they put their own pieces of the puzzle together, there are going to be things that come up , things that need to be looked at and addressed.  I know it was the right thing to tell them, to let them in on this piece of their history but it is still unimaginable.

Some days I would like to think that they still have that innocence that they had before they knew. That the simple answer , I don't have a dad my mom just dropped two eggs, just worked.  Even writing that it makes me happy, it worked for a time and reminds me that they are all that matter.  They are all that ever mattered anyway.I can never give that back to them, and that is what was more than hard. One of  those things that once it is said and explained you can never unknown it. I watch them today and they are the same amazing children that they were before they knew.   They have begun to ask questions, and its so natural for them.  It's not a secret and they are not afraid, and there is something in that that is peaceful. Inside my heart breaks with each question, but I know it is what is best for them.  They have asked simple things how we met, what he looked like. Vincent asked if he was black. They asked if I have ever seen him again.  We were even cleaning up their room and I got a little more than brave and said something about him being tall that he was over 6'4.  Vincent perked up and said what??  I was a little concerned and I said yes, he was very tall and Vincent screamed "YES" I won't be a short hockey player. None of the short ones are very good.   There have also been the hard questions,  Why didn't you press charges like you did with Bob?  That one was rough, the answer he is not ready for, but in time.  My heart melts little with each new question;  there was also a sigh of relief, this is our life, our reality this is a fact of our lives together and they know and nothing shattered, nothing imploded.  We are going to do this together.  Mariska is more quiet, she asked Vincent what he looked like, not me but its a start.  We are working on it all its a process and we are learning through it together.  Its not easy, but we have no other choice but to do it.

Vincent handled it amazing, he was brave and thoughtful.  He cried, but was relieved to know.  Mariska cried for hours and couldn't even look at me.  I was devastated and thought I did the wrong thing.  Really she just needed time.   She was taking it all in, I know its a lot, and really big something that is a part of who they are and that is important.  Me I am not sure that I was so great, its been rough.  I am glad that I wasn't alone, that I had  my people walking with me through this. They believe in me and know my heart.   I was a huge chicken and almost didn't tell them at all.  I was scared of breaking their heart like mine was broken.  But their heart wasn't broken, it is a part of them.  I do believe they know that they are so much more than this is one little piece.  I was in a state of doubt, self blame, just not in a good place.  And a friend sent me a message "

You've made many brave choices in life.

Very recently you've made several more.

Well done, friend.

Wow those words.  I was grateful I am going to hold on to those and believe that I have done the right thing.  The best thing that I could do for my children was tell them the truth. I have to be brave for my children , be honest and always let them know how very important that they are.  I need to be open to any questions and concerns that they might have. I don't have a clue what the future holds but I know that the three of us are going to be just fine.  There are going to be bumps in the road things that each of us has to look at on our own and together but we are a family and we will do it .

This day will always be another day, for me it was a life changing day.  Different years I am sure it will affect me more or less.  This year its a little more.  But I am going to look at my children knowing there are no secrets, and that we are going to make it.  And I may not feel that I am OK,  but inside I know that I will be.  I have the two most amazing kids a woman could ever ask for and I am more than blessed, I was meant to be their mom.

I heart your heart.  

This day and every day.

This one gave me you.

Mathew West : Safe and Sound

So I was working on this post for awhile, and I published it but didn't share it, I was going to share it on The 22, Next Saturday.  But today is the day; and this day I am glad because I learned something . I worked on this for a long time trying to make it perfect say what I wanted to say. I was changing things making sure that the right words were coming out.  And then Today I got a different view and another piece of PEACE. My very own PEACE.  The things that I carry about this day; my children don't carry.  And that is exactly why they can go on like they always did even before they knew.  They don't carry one single piece about what was done early on that day!!!  That is huge.  My fear was that they would carry the weight that I do and they just don't.  They know I am there and nothing will change that. And today I got another view, a view that kind of changes everything. The shame for me that it still happened is there, I can’t change it I CAN NOT , no matter how hard I try make it different.  But I can let it go.  A view that I had never thought of before.  And it doesn’t make anything easier, but it makes things a little clearer.  I feel awful that what happened is such a huge burden that my children are paying the price for.   But that awful thing happened and then I got a gift. For one minute lets think of the other side.  I chose to have them. I chose to love them and give them all that I had. Not once did I miss a single second, of them growing up becoming the amazing people that they are today.  I did that.  I made those choices and I was strong and I was brave and I have my amazing children, regardless of Charles choices that were so very hurtful to me.  He can’t hurt my children and can’t take their greatness away from them. I was afraid that somehow this day would take that from them, that Charles could somehow steal their joy!!! He can't , he can't take mine and i won't let him steal theirs.  They are the children that they are today,  because of the things that I did, and there has to be something powerful in that. I am their mom and nothing is ever going to take that away. NOTHING.  I am going to take that piece of brave and run with it.  A lot of people could have made very different decisions, I made the right one for me and I have been blessed every since.  What happened changed things, it was so hard and over the years I have thought about him some but my thoughts are my children and I have to focus on that.  They do not carry the things that I do, they do not have to carry that shame, and I am more than grateful.  There are so many things to say, and I know that this is huge piece to let go...HUGE those moments that were so awful, gave me something beautiful and nothing can take that. Nothing. Oh my children if you knew just how much I love you, even more today than yesterday. <3  You are MY amazing children. I heart your heart.

     

My Piece that I have to own

This is the one that I wish didn't exist. This is a piece that I don't want to own. This is my piece that i have to work on separate from my children. The part that is about me the part of me that woke up August 22 and just wanted to be normal. The part that believed things were finally getting better, that I was going to be OK. Yet again I was knocked so far back and so far gone that I almost didn't make it.

I woke up that morning, my mom was already at work.  I got on the computer checked my emails, then decided to get into a chat room.  One of the ones on Yahoo messenger.  I was more than alone. More than lonely.  I had come back from testifying in Boston and I was running from everything.  I didn't want to think, didn't want to feel.  I just wanted to be a normal girl and I was about as far from normal as a person could get.  At least when my case was in court there were kind people on my side,who wanted to talk to me about it all, people that understood me, I didn't feel like such a freak.  That was all over.  My father was still free.  Angela, I hoped was safe but nothing changed for me, no one was there for me, I was more than alone.  I was trying to deal with oh so much and obviously I was not doing it very well.  My heart was crushed.  I wanted my detective and Angela's attorney to just adopt me keep me safe and watch over me.  I still felt like that scared little five year old. But I was in my 20's and life was nothing like I had ever imagined.  I needed good attention, I needed love, I needed oh so much kindness and I wasn't getting any.  To outsiders, it was all over I should be fine.  NO one wanted to talk about it, no one wanted to acknowledge the things that I had done in the past few months. According to them it was all over, it was finished, all was well with the world.  But I was dying inside.  Slowly my insides were being crushed by my experiences of the last few years with detectives and a court system that wasn't listening to me.

  I just wanted to talk to people I wanted to feel normal. I wanted people to listen to me and hear what was going on.  I found that in chat rooms, or so I thought. I would visit lots of them, sometimes there was great conversation other times it was a bunch of creeps. Sometimes I knew that these people were not kind and not safe.  I am not sure that I took it seriously, it was a place that I didn't have to think about the world. I didn't have to think about all that was on my plate.  It was my escape.  So I woke up Aug 22, 2003  and got in a chat room.  Not even sure how it started, I ended up talking to a guy names Charles.  He seemed like an OK guy.  He had a house in McKinney, he worked for Raytheon.  We talked about everything and nothing all at once.  I felt like i wasn't alone and someone was listening. That is what I was looking for more than anything.  He said that he had two sons in high school, that someday he might want a daughter.  It was comfortable.  We talked for a long time.  He said that he had to go that he was going to Afghanistan as a contractor, and had to get some stuff.   I should have taken the out said goodbye.  I didn't we kept talking. I eventually asked if I could go shopping with him help him pick out things for his trip.   So many red flags SOOOOO many, and I ignored them all.  I regret to say there are many pieces here that I just don't remember, and that is hard I can promise you  I remember everything, but not this time. We were on video chat for awhile.  I have the picture still in my head.  He was sitting at a desk, a huge painting behind him, his shirt was off.  He was a big guy, very muscular.  I can remember asking what about his sons when he was gone, I am sure there was an answer I don't know what it was.  Then that wasn't enough, and we talked on the phone.  I get more than frustrated at myself, like things he began saying, I should have known so much and I just didn't.  So many things were going wrong.  In my head things were so right, I was going to help him shop, we were going to go to lunch.  I was thinking this is perfect, I am going to be normal and I can not even tell you how excited that I was.  I was going to forget about the last few months, forget about it all and just enjoy, some shopping and conversation.

We got off the phone, I said that I was going to get ready and he would come pick me up.  I was so excited taking my shower I can't even tell you.  Kind of what I imagine a first date would be like, that is exactly what I felt.  I had butterflies I was ready to go shopping have some lunch, this was my piece of normal.  My face hurt from smiling.  And I was ready, and I waited and waited.  Then he finally showed up, he had  gotten lost  but he was finally here.  He was tall over 6'4 he towered over me he smelled good, but I also smelled cigarettes and that was more than gross. He came in, he was physically so much bigger than me.  I was showing him around, we got to my room.  He noticed the mobile above my door, it was bright and colorful it was supposed to keep evil doers away.  He laughed.  And we ended up on my bed.

How did that happen in a matter of seconds.  We were going shopping Right? Right?

It happened so very fast my mind was still excited, I had this innocence like come on you big guy, what in the world are you doing....we are going shopping come on let's go. There are pieces of memory....little fragments of what happened next...I remember his feet, they were gross,  I remember him taking his shirt off.....thinking what in the world...... I remember seeing that bright mobile above my door......my clothes were off......

And I kept saying but we are going shopping, we are supposed to go shopping and I tried so hard, pushing him off, as all this is happening....and I know that I screamed, I know I did but I am not sure if anything came out at all.... he kept going.  Over and over I kept saying but we are supposed to go shopping, NO, over and over not this we are going shopping...

And that green pillow fell on my face....

And I knew. I knew what was going to happen, and I went away, way far away until he was done. This is what happens to me,  this is what I was meant for, I had asked for it.  And just like that I was gone. that pillow fell on my face, I knew.   My world went black.  Why was this happening we were going to go shopping I was going to help him pick out things for his trip...I really didn't understand...this wasn't supposed to happen to me anymore...

He raped me.

I was gone, I felt nothing, I was more than far away. In a place I learned to to visit often from the time that I was 5.

He was done, he got off, got dressed and was in a hurry saying that he had to go, I think his shirt was buttoned wrong.  I didn't say a word.  I grabbed a shirt and  followed him to the front door.  As he left he kept commenting on his shiny BMW, and that smile on his face, I meant nothing he never had any intention of going shopping at all.  And all I wanted was to be normal and all i got was all I ever knew, this is what I was good for.  I remember watching him walk to his car....my heart was crushed, I closed and locked the door.  I ran to my bed and cried, like i had never cried.  A sad that was from the very bottom of my heart.  And over and over in my head ....

BUT WE WERE SUPPOSED TO GO SHOPPING....I DIDN'T UNDERSTAND

I cried myself to sleep.  When I woke up, my body hurt, I cried more, took a shower before my mother got home from work.

This was my August 22, 2003.

My heart is so very heavy, I know this is my piece to carry but I don't want to. I don't want to own this, I really don't. I don't want this to be another piece of my story that I have to fit in.  I want to do things different, I wish that I wasn't so naive and innocent. So stupid.  I wish, oh I wish so very many things for this tender heart of mine....I just wanted a little piece of normal.  

I heart your heart.

Family

Funny how things come together sometimes.  How so many things came together today. All in one day. I went to a new church this morning that someone I call family, contacted for me. I was grateful. I really liked the church they were genuine, though I am very cautious,  not sure that I am meant to be in a church right now. It would be amazing if this was a fit for me, I don't have it in me to look around Then Counseling, he is pushing more which is a good thing making me work, but it was hard, talking about family, my mother my love of whales and what they mean. My brain was literally spent. Then I got a face book message about a memory, and it was from two years ago.  A picture of the email that my mother left out, that tore me apart that was more than unkind.  It made me cry the kind of cry where you can't breathe, and it feels like the world is crashing around you. She said that I had a peace breaking spirit, that was crushing .  And that was the same day that Catrina had invited us over for dinner to give us a break, to offer her home to offer her heart. And then tonight the message from my brothers girlfriend, calling him a sweet heart and thanking him for the trip to Sea World....REALLY....what a way to top it off.... FAMILY SUCKS

Yea so that was the day and now my heart.  That is a lot all at once.  But it brings me to family.

And I was asked like if i was comfortable with my decision, about my mother and my brother. That I was done that there was nothing else that I could do. That if something happened to them, would I regret anything or would I be OK with everything.  And I said that I absolutely would.  That I can not be hurt anymore, that I just can't that I gave it all and there is nothing else for me to do.  I keep seeing that letter in my head and am even more sure.Yes, yes I am completely done.   I know that i have done the right thing but that doesn't make it hurt any less.  I don't have any real family.  I have people that I belong with. That always place to call home, yea I don't have that.  I can be part of families at the holidays or on special occasions but those people HAVE families already.   They can do whatever they want for the holidays their families are always there.  People with out families its an entirely different story.  We wait for someone to say join us for the holiday, if not there will be no great conversation, no games, no family stories, no cleaning the kitchen together. It will just be the normal everyday with a much bigger dinner mess.And I am not talking about my children I do all the special things for them but for me, there is nothing for me. Such a complicated thing really, and if you have a family this might not make any sense but if you don't you just might understand.  Mariska was funny, I was just doing the dishes working on dinner and she said its OK if its just us, you make a great turkey.  And I smile because I am their family and that is an amazing thing.  But me, there is no other family.

The church that I just left would talk about church family, and I got excited in the beginning, thinking that I was once again going to have my own family, things didn't turn out that way and people don't understand.  When you don't have a family you can't tell them that they are and then ignore and look the other way.  You just can't do that, because it tears at our hearts.

Even this church, so many things they did were awesome.  The pastor was called about a homeless person that needed help and someone in the church reached out and helped.  The music leaders were leaving for another opportunity, and he called everyone up to pray over, gather around them them as they are on their way.  For me I saw Family and I love that and it scares me at the same time.  I can not get involved in family and be left again, I just can't.      

I know that Vincent and Mariska are a family, its just the three of us but sometimes most of the time it would be nice if there was more.  To talk about what the kids are doing, what I am doing talk about the things that i care about, that I am working on things that I am worried about or proud about.  All those things that you get to share with family, there is no family. The inside family jokes and favorite dishes, all of that is greatly missed.

There is nothing left with my mother and that is more than sad. big thing shave happened and I can never go back.  Leaving that letter out, changing the locks after we moved out, REALLY, Changing the code on the garage?  My heart was broken beyond repair on this one  For whatever reason she turned, and I will not go back. She has no feelings for me, and I can't fight for her to have them. Taking her back or starting a relationship is asking for more hurt for both my children and I.  I tried, so very hard, I can't try anymore.  My brother I am done. He can come to visit my mother all he wants, I know where I stand.  He changed his number and never told me. Nothing else that I can do.  I will do the right thing, and send birthday cards telling him he is in my thoughts and I will get no reply but that's OK.  I know that I have done the right thing.  I can not and won't be the joke of the family, ever again.

So family, if you have one hold on tight.  Call them once in awhile, let them know you care even with the craziness, they are your family.

Thoughts on Drowning

In my life there is this pervasive feeling like I have been drowning.  There has always been so much going on and I always always keep going,  there is nothing that stops me. And I mean NOTHING. There are things that have slowed me down but I Always  keep going. Like a lot of the time I am just keeping my head above water,  it takes an enormous amount of energy.  And I say, I feel like i am drowning, but I think its a different sense of the word. If I say that I am drowning I am saying I need you, please send the life preserver, I am going under.

Awhile back I wrote an email to a friend and I said I feel like I am drowning what am I supposed to do!  And I got back a response well it seems like you have been drowning for a long time. And I was a little hurt that somehow that isn't how I was supposed to be feeling but really I am not sure that I was conveying what I truly needed.  Even this past month in Colorado, I do not say what I need I just do what needs to be done. And I am not sure that is working for me anymore. In that process I end up suffering, because I don't say what I need and just go with what would be easier. Often it just means doing something a different way, and I have to learn to speak up for myself.  Which I don't do often.

Someone asked me to rate what was going on each day on a scale of 1-10 and see how things rank.  And it was really hard because, I don't acknowledge where I truly am.  I think I am generally a 5-6.  A 10 would be in Colorado, or by the ocean, listening to my favorite music and not thinking at all.  Sometimes a 10 could even be doing my journals, that makes me feel better and gets what is in my head out.  If I am a 1 or 2, check for a pulse, something is terribly wrong and I can not do it on my own anymore.

I think my scale and someone else's scale are totally different and Most would be different,  but I am not sure that most people come from a place of drowning.  I grew up basically completely underwater, and that is where I live my life from a lot of the time.  I am working on getting completely out of the water but its a long hard process, I have a ways to go. Growing up there was no 1 or 2 because I never would have survived beyond 5 years old.  So I learned to live basically drowning.  For me surviving under water was a necessity.

And there were people as I got older, in my thirties that reached under and pulled me up for air and that was an amazing feeling something i had never experienced before.  I was used to drowning, I was used to so much happening and being totally overwhelmed all the time.  For me and where I have come from, I feel like i constantly need that hand to help me along and remind me that I am OK. Sure I can do it on my own; I need that , yes I NEED that extra encouragement. I need people reaching out letting me know its OK, the world is OK.  Believe me I hate that I need it, but I do.  I have done life on my own since before i can even remember, and I don't want to do the next part of my life alone.  It's more than hard , what I need is a lot to ask of people.  I whole lot and I completely understand that.  I don't get the luxury of having a lot of people around. Most wouldn't have me, there is too much, to many questions, to much history, and not enough just fun.

Generally, there are a lot of things on my plate that's just the nature of the beast for me. I could name so many things but that is not the point.  I am used to doing all those things.  But I really believe that I do have people that are staying that are not going anywhere and i have to work on letting them help me.  I get used to doing things on my own and letting someone help is a fight.  Feeling like a bother and a pest are more than natural and some of those things are going to take a life time to overcome but I will.  I can if people continue to reach out, and let me know that its OK. And if I can continue to believe that people want to reach out and help, I just have to let them.

It's more than hard when you are always fine.  I  could be dying , in pain and I would say that I are fine.  People get used to that with me. Everything is always ok  There are very few people who know when my fine isn't really fine at all.  I am that person that will be drowning in the middle of the ocean and will take care of it on her own.  And when I do start flailing for help, it will be mistaken for a wave and they will wave back or ignore and keep going.  They won't even realize that my wave was a cry for help. I wasn't waving I was drowning.  I know that is hard for people to understand.  That is just me.  I am trying. If I wave stop and make sure I am ok, I may tell you I am fine but I may tell you I really need you.

I heart your heart.

Liquid Medicine

These last few weeks have been unbelievable in so many ways and more than difficult in others.  In some ways I feel worse than I have in a long time and yet in others, I feel better than I ever imagined.  I truly believe I am on the right path, I have to believe that.  I have amazing people supporting me, I feel like a bother and a pest but still they are there. I am working towards the things that I want, the things that are going to make me happy and give my children and I the life that I want for them and still sometimes there are little things that bother me, and you think WOW, I have come a long way, and my children get to grow up so differently than I ever did and I am so thankful.  I get to give her medicine and she doesn't have to feel bad, , really she doesn't even think about it, and that is the part that makes my heart smile.  I know this is what she needs and how she needs it and that it what I am going to do for her. With out thinking twice.

This time the thing that stood out was giving Mariska her liquid Tylenol and Ibuprofen EVERY three hours, since her surgery. I do it gladly and know that it makes her feel better,  I have been through I can not even tell you how many bottles of liquid medicine in the last week, I should consider buying stock but if it took my last few dollars I would make sure that she had that liquid medicine to make her feel better.  For me that was an issue growing up.  I was getting older and I couldn't swallow pills.  NO matter how hard that I tried, I just couldn't.  Believe me I tried oh so hard, I wanted to do the right thing, make everyone happy. Each and every time I would gag and get sick.  I needed the liquid, or in my case I think it was the chew-able kind.  Those things tasted terrible, but it was doable.  I can remember being really sick and having to take them, and of coarse the older a child gets the more chew-able's that they need.  So I was older, and needed more to help me feel better and that was a problem. For my father that was a HUGE problem. He was going to teach me.

I can still picture the kitchen, the sliding glass doors, the kitchen table with vinyl seats.  The brown cabinets I remember it looking huge and feeling really small.  I wasn't much taller than the counter really, I could barely reach the sink, that is for sure.   I see it as clear as my computer in front of me. The entire family was there, me, my brother ,mother and father.  My parents were arguing,  over me and the medicine. My brother just standing there, until I am sure he disappeared to his room.  And I see it all like it was yesterday, I wasn't feeling good and I am sure that made it worse. The arguing because I was costing him too much money in chew-able's and that I needed to learn how to swallow pills.  Well I tried, and of coarse, I couldn't. I was crying, I was more than sorry, it was just something that I couldn't do. I wasn't wanting to make him mad, but I did merely by breathing.  He was getting angrier and angrier until he decided that he was going to teach me to swallow pills. Oh the look on his face, his eyes, they were little and mean and he didn't care what he had to do to get me to swallow those pills.  He was on a mission.  He made me climb on the dining room table, and with his scratchy nails, he tried shoving pills down my throat.  He tried more than once, each time just as unsuccessful as the one before.The scene was not pretty , I tried so hard and my body wouldn't let me swallow those pills  there was just no way.  He scratched my throat, I was crying hard, finally he let me down off the table. A monster of a man.

It was that moment when everything stops, and I remember him finally letting go of me, and climbing off the table and being able to run to my room. He was more than angry, my throat was proof of that.  I am sure that in those moments he hated me.  In front of the family making me crawl onto the table and lay down so he could teach me how to swallow pills.  And there was a quick moment that I was proud of myself.  As soon as I got to my room, I spit the pill into my hand and put it on my dresser. In that moment it was a small victory, i wanted more than anything to make him happy but for me, he couldn't make me and I was glad.  Then I just cried in my bed.  I felt terrible, I was costing him too much money, I was more than sorry.  I wanted to make things easier for  my father but I couldn't. I was more than embarrassed, more than ashamed,  I wanted to crawl in a hole and never come out. I couldn't even swallow pills right. I blamed myself for him making my climb on the table and trying to shove the pills down my throat.  Who feels bad ?  I did, it was my fault I couldn't swallow the pills.

One of those moments that is burned in my memory, that I will never forget. And it still makes me sad. I am not sure that it will ever go away, but it will be less painful.  I never got the kindness that I so needed.  But I can give that to my own children and there is something amazing and fulfilling in that .  I know that I made it through , and made things easier on my own children.  He was so very angry.  Where was my mother letting him do that, I will never understand so many things.  I can never imagine doing that to my children.  So as Mariska continues to need the liquid medicine, I gladly pour her some more, and my heart smiles a little more.  I notice the bottle is getting low and make another trip to get some more. That makes me happy.  I can not change what has happened to me, but i can make things for my children better than i ever had.

These kind of memories never go away, but they will fade. I have to believe that EVENTUALLY they will.  And I can rest in knowing that my own children will never have to experience so many of the things that were in my everyday.  Being a mom is one of the things I do with all my heart and until the end of the world I will make sure that they are safe and sound and that they know, forever and always that I love them so very much.  And am grateful they are filling my garden with new memories.

I heart your heart.