A new Day

 Another year, the day is over.  It was not noticed, only just another day.  I got a different view and another piece of PEACE. My very own PEACE.  The things that I carry about this day; my children don't carry.  And that is exactly why they can go on like they always did even before they knew.  They don't carry one single piece about what was done early on that day!!!  That is huge.  My fear was that they would carry the weight that I do and they just don't.  They know I am there and nothing will change that. And today I got another view, a view that kind of changes everything. The shame for me that it still happened is there, I can’t change it I CAN NOT , no matter how hard I try make it different.  But I can let it go.  A view that I had never thought of before.  And it doesn’t make anything easier, but it makes things a little clearer.  I feel awful that what happened is such a huge burden that my children are paying the price for.   But that awful thing happened and then I got a gift. For one minute lets think of the other side.  I chose to have them. I chose to love them and give them all that I had. Not once did I miss a single second, of them growing up becoming the amazing people that they are today.  I did that.  I made those choices and I was strong and I was brave and I have my amazing children, regardless of Charles choices that were so very hurtful to me.  He can’t hurt my children and can’t take their greatness away from them. I was afraid that somehow this day would take that from them, that Charles could somehow steal their joy!!! He can't , he can't take mine and i won't let him steal theirs.  They are the children that they are today,  because of the things that I did, and there has to be something powerful in that. I am their mom and nothing is ever going to take that away. NOTHING.  I am going to take that piece of brave and run with it.  A lot of people could have made very different decisions, I made the right one for me and I have been blessed every since.  What happened changed things, it was so hard and over the years I have thought about him some but my thoughts are my children and I have to focus on that.  They do not carry the things that I do, they do not have to carry that shame, and I am more than grateful.  There are so many things to say, and I know that this is huge piece to let go...HUGE those moments that were so awful, gave me something beautiful and nothing can take that. Nothing. 

Oh my children if you knew just how much I love you, even more today than yesterday. <3  

You are MY amazing children. 

I heart your heart. Always.     

So yesterday was just another day.  I survived like I do everyday.  There was an ache in my heart but today is a new day.  I went to my class organized, fixed things.  We went to hockey practice.  We did some school shopping, they are growing up, and I am amazed.  Things are going to be OK.  School starts tomorrow, 6th grade and that is unbelievable!!  I start my new job, as a real teacher.  The year ahead is going to be lots of amazing, and good things are coming.  Vincent and Mariska were amazing this past week while I was at school preparing for  the year.  They cleaned, folded laundry, made dinner did the trash, I mean they were amazing this week.  There was a few rough moments, I just want to do things right.  I got frustrated, poor Vincent cried, I apologized and again thanked him for all that he did.  Dreams are coming true, things are happening and this time ahead of us is going to be the best we have ever seen.  I am glad that they do not carry the things that I do and I hope as time goes on as even more dreams come true, I won't carry them so much either.

Oh my precious Vincent and Mariska, I would do that day all over again just to have you in my life.  We are going to be OK, we are going to be GREAT. 

I heart your heart