Broken together Only We aren't Broken at ALL

I do dread this day every year and what it means for me and my children. It will go unnoticed by the world I am sure, just another Saturday. But my heart will always remember. My heart will be grieving. I try to do something, try to make it mean something; anything other than what it is.  Last year The kids and I went to see The Fault in Our Stars; yea that probably was not the best idea.  I cried through 90% of the movie and for hours afterwards. I sat in the car texting my then counselor in tears that this day just wasn't fair.  Oh I tried to be normal, but  I just couldn't.  And again this year I am going to try to not think about it, not make it bigger than what it is. But I am not sure that its going to happen and I have to be OK with that.  I have to give myself time and space. This is something big, that not only affects me but my most precious children. Each year its going to be something new another piece that I didn't experience the year before. This year there is a new big piece. This year my children know about their father.  They do not know about this date ; they are not ready. But they know.  This year there is a heaviness that I feel I placed on their hearts, and a heaviness in my heart for all that it means for them and for us as a family. I am sure that as each year passes there will be more and more questions that I need to be prepared for, and ready to answer.  Some may be hard,  some may not.  I have to be prepared either way for anything that they might need.  I want them to know that they can ask me anything even when the answers aren't so neat and pretty, or easy.  I have to be brave and strong, answer them, I can melt, fall apart, scream  later.  I don't at all feel brave or strong.  For me I want to skip this day, and get to the good parts where I have my children. But the world doesn't stop.

I can remember when I met my OB doctor and the early blood work and they take history and all of that and he would ask questions about the father.  And I am sure, he had to have thought I was completely stupid or insane.  Sitting there as he asked questions, I was in a state that I can't explain. I would kind of shrug, kind of half answer, and say quietly I don't know.  Those questions about family history, those kind of things it was overwhelming! I didn't even acknowledge what had happened to me. And he was asking about traits and characteristics of this man, that I didn't even want to acknowledge!  It was dreadfully difficult, my heart was breaking. I can remember the moment I told him the date that I got pregnant.  I told him August 22. He asked how I could be so sure, with this half smile on his face like I was crazy.  I said that I was sure, I was more than positive.  And he laughed a little, well we can't be that sure. No one ever really knows for sure. But he was wrong I could be that sure. My insides were devastated, how could I tell my truth? Even he didn't believe me.  My mother even said I got pregnant on purpose. I learned  quickly to keep it to myself. He got out his little due date calculator thing; he thought it was funny I did not.  I didn't have anything left to really tell him the truth. I am sure he would have been different, hopefully a little kinder but I didn't say a word. I couldn't, I didn't know how. For me there were so many reminders of being 13, and people saying well that just doesn't happen.  And who would want to do that to you.  Those thoughts were all swirling in my brain, only I wasn't 13 anymore.  These babies I was going to keep safe and sound. From so many I learned that I wouldn't be believed anyway, so I was quiet. No I was silent, only shedding tears when no one was around.   Dr.Cardenas said OK, but his voice said something so very different.  In my head I believed he saw the slut that I believed I was and it made me sad.  I was this awful person that had made a mess of things.  The loneliness in those moments, there were no words.  My only words were talking to my children, petting my ever growing belly and telling them all that i was going to give them and how I was going to keep them safe.

This day forever changed my life and the way it started was nothing that I ever planned. I was looking for something normal, I was looking for a friend, I just wanted some kindness.It was the worst day and the best day.  The worst because once again I was not listened to, I was hurt, I was ignored I was used.  In those same moments I was made a mom and that is a gift that I will always be grateful for I got my amazing Vincent and Mariska and was on my way back to life again.  This is a day that I have to heal my own pieces and yes my children are my biggest blessing, but I can't ignore the pieces about me and what happened that are the tragic part of the story.

This year, this is a day that I will think about totally different than I ever have before because now I don't carry the burden on my own.   It was explained to me there are pieces of this that I have to carry.  Pieces that my children have to carry but there are pieces that we can all carry and work through together.  Not one of us planned for things to be like this, there is no easy way to talk about or to be ready for the questions and actions that may occur in the future. I carry much of the burden, but I can not even imagine what it must be like for my children. Together we will work on these broken pieces and I am sure that when we are finished, its going to be something so beautiful, no one will ever know it came from such pain. They know bare minimum now, later as they ask more mature questions as they put their own pieces of the puzzle together, there are going to be things that come up , things that need to be looked at and addressed.  I know it was the right thing to tell them, to let them in on this piece of their history but it is still unimaginable.

Some days I would like to think that they still have that innocence that they had before they knew. That the simple answer , I don't have a dad my mom just dropped two eggs, just worked.  Even writing that it makes me happy, it worked for a time and reminds me that they are all that matter.  They are all that ever mattered anyway.I can never give that back to them, and that is what was more than hard. One of  those things that once it is said and explained you can never unknown it. I watch them today and they are the same amazing children that they were before they knew.   They have begun to ask questions, and its so natural for them.  It's not a secret and they are not afraid, and there is something in that that is peaceful. Inside my heart breaks with each question, but I know it is what is best for them.  They have asked simple things how we met, what he looked like. Vincent asked if he was black. They asked if I have ever seen him again.  We were even cleaning up their room and I got a little more than brave and said something about him being tall that he was over 6'4.  Vincent perked up and said what??  I was a little concerned and I said yes, he was very tall and Vincent screamed "YES" I won't be a short hockey player. None of the short ones are very good.   There have also been the hard questions,  Why didn't you press charges like you did with Bob?  That one was rough, the answer he is not ready for, but in time.  My heart melts little with each new question;  there was also a sigh of relief, this is our life, our reality this is a fact of our lives together and they know and nothing shattered, nothing imploded.  We are going to do this together.  Mariska is more quiet, she asked Vincent what he looked like, not me but its a start.  We are working on it all its a process and we are learning through it together.  Its not easy, but we have no other choice but to do it.

Vincent handled it amazing, he was brave and thoughtful.  He cried, but was relieved to know.  Mariska cried for hours and couldn't even look at me.  I was devastated and thought I did the wrong thing.  Really she just needed time.   She was taking it all in, I know its a lot, and really big something that is a part of who they are and that is important.  Me I am not sure that I was so great, its been rough.  I am glad that I wasn't alone, that I had  my people walking with me through this. They believe in me and know my heart.   I was a huge chicken and almost didn't tell them at all.  I was scared of breaking their heart like mine was broken.  But their heart wasn't broken, it is a part of them.  I do believe they know that they are so much more than this is one little piece.  I was in a state of doubt, self blame, just not in a good place.  And a friend sent me a message "

You've made many brave choices in life.

Very recently you've made several more.

Well done, friend.

Wow those words.  I was grateful I am going to hold on to those and believe that I have done the right thing.  The best thing that I could do for my children was tell them the truth. I have to be brave for my children , be honest and always let them know how very important that they are.  I need to be open to any questions and concerns that they might have. I don't have a clue what the future holds but I know that the three of us are going to be just fine.  There are going to be bumps in the road things that each of us has to look at on our own and together but we are a family and we will do it .

This day will always be another day, for me it was a life changing day.  Different years I am sure it will affect me more or less.  This year its a little more.  But I am going to look at my children knowing there are no secrets, and that we are going to make it.  And I may not feel that I am OK,  but inside I know that I will be.  I have the two most amazing kids a woman could ever ask for and I am more than blessed, I was meant to be their mom.

I heart your heart.  

This day and every day.

This one gave me you.

Mathew West : Safe and Sound

So I was working on this post for awhile, and I published it but didn't share it, I was going to share it on The 22, Next Saturday.  But today is the day; and this day I am glad because I learned something . I worked on this for a long time trying to make it perfect say what I wanted to say. I was changing things making sure that the right words were coming out.  And then Today I got a different view and another piece of PEACE. My very own PEACE.  The things that I carry about this day; my children don't carry.  And that is exactly why they can go on like they always did even before they knew.  They don't carry one single piece about what was done early on that day!!!  That is huge.  My fear was that they would carry the weight that I do and they just don't.  They know I am there and nothing will change that. And today I got another view, a view that kind of changes everything. The shame for me that it still happened is there, I can’t change it I CAN NOT , no matter how hard I try make it different.  But I can let it go.  A view that I had never thought of before.  And it doesn’t make anything easier, but it makes things a little clearer.  I feel awful that what happened is such a huge burden that my children are paying the price for.   But that awful thing happened and then I got a gift. For one minute lets think of the other side.  I chose to have them. I chose to love them and give them all that I had. Not once did I miss a single second, of them growing up becoming the amazing people that they are today.  I did that.  I made those choices and I was strong and I was brave and I have my amazing children, regardless of Charles choices that were so very hurtful to me.  He can’t hurt my children and can’t take their greatness away from them. I was afraid that somehow this day would take that from them, that Charles could somehow steal their joy!!! He can't , he can't take mine and i won't let him steal theirs.  They are the children that they are today,  because of the things that I did, and there has to be something powerful in that. I am their mom and nothing is ever going to take that away. NOTHING.  I am going to take that piece of brave and run with it.  A lot of people could have made very different decisions, I made the right one for me and I have been blessed every since.  What happened changed things, it was so hard and over the years I have thought about him some but my thoughts are my children and I have to focus on that.  They do not carry the things that I do, they do not have to carry that shame, and I am more than grateful.  There are so many things to say, and I know that this is huge piece to let go...HUGE those moments that were so awful, gave me something beautiful and nothing can take that. Nothing. Oh my children if you knew just how much I love you, even more today than yesterday. <3  You are MY amazing children. I heart your heart.