When you are raped that young, my little brain couldn't even comprehend what was happening. This is the innocence that is gradually taken. I was not sure what was happening but I learned quickly what was expected and what I had to do. There was never a time I remember not knowing what he wanted. That is the kind of rape, that hurts to my very core. It changes how you think about yourself and takes things that I can never get back. When I was that young, there is no understanding, there is no safety. I was five what in the world was I going to do, he was an adult man. He was my father. If he didn't protect me, love me who ever in the world would? When you are raped at 5, there is a violence to that because a 5 year old is not meant for what is happening. Their bodies are not made for what those men wanted, and their little minds are completely overwhelmed, unable to even process or comprehend such adult behavior. Its amazing the things that a young girl learns, to just hide the bloody underwear, clean up the mess pretend that everything is OK. Day after day after day.
As it continues to happen as a child gets older the shame creeps in. The child realizes what is happening, and that realization makes them feel so incredibly shameful and embarrassed. For me this was around fifth grade. When I got the puberty talk at school. When you know what is happening to you, but there are words and names and all of those around you think how gross that Sex is and you realize, this is what has been happening to you, since the earliest that you can even remember. You pull away from people, you know how very different that you are. You feel so very gross and disgusting, this is your father that is using you for his sexual needs. He has done it for so long no force is really needed you know what you have to do. You learn what makes it easier, and your body has grown and things are not so painful anymore. Its sad, but things become normal. This is just what happens to you. You are having sex with your own father at night and playing with your dolls. You learn to make what is happening to you Normal, and it is everything but normal. For me it was like living in two worlds really and and that is just the way that it has to be. You are still a child, but your mind has experienced things that it can't understand and becomes more than overwhelmed with even little life things. Friends, playing, the normal kid things where does that fit in when rape has been a part of your life from the earliest that you can remember ? How does a little kid know what real normal is ? What real playing is like ? THEY DON"T, THEY DON"T AT ALL. There is a feeling that this is just what happens. You start to get a voice to protest and that does not go over well and makes things worse for you really, you learn to go away, your brain shuts off and literally goes somewhere else. Sometimes its cowering in a corner, sometimes its somewhere so far away you are not even in the same room.
Then for me comes the neighbor. Again it started so young, you really think that this is just what happens. Your father all the time then this other man that your family knows. You watch them interact and you feel so small. You wonder what in the world that you are doing so wrong. You wonder why they don't love you. He was more hurtful, more forceful. The neighbor was Albert he was pretty brutal. Not that my father had any concern for my well being but there was even less with Albert. He was more threatening, outwardly. I guess with my father, there was no need for those threats they were built in. Albert made sure that I knew who was in charge and he proved it by killing my tadpoles, telling me it was my fault, I was the one that fought. He played games, was more than cruel and didn't care. I will always wonder if they knew what the other was doing. When a five year old is having sex how do they not ? Albert finally moved away and it was a relief when only the rapes continued by my father. Being raped by one person, is sad but much easier then being raped by your father and a neighbor. There was no break there was always someone that wanted something from you.
My father is the common thread in all of this, In my head I think that he had to have known. He could pretend all that he wanted. How do you not know. HOW. I know I was great at hiding things, but Jesus, not that good. Did people just not see because they couldn't ? So they just left a little girl to fend for her self because it was too painful for them ? Is that it ?
Then the gang rape at thirteen. It doesn't get worse than that really. The violence, the absolute horror, this was another level of vicious, that a mind can never comprehend. I thought that I must have been this absolutely detestable person. I to this day can not comprehend the violence. There are some pieces that I am sure I will ever get over, that I will ever have a place for in my head. Maybe even not beyond my lips, I don't know. You fight with all that you have and its not enough, and then you fight more and nothing works. There are moments that you are just more than hysterical, because nothing in the world makes any sense at all. Every sense, every emotion is so overwhelmed, that you just want the world to end, because you don't think there is any way to come back to life, and you don't really want to either. This is the kind that kills a part of you, that destroys everything, in every way; that you have ever known. You were still breathing but during those hours that was not life, that was hell. I sit here staring at the screen not even knowing what to write there is nothing, no words. It was the most unimaginable thing . You just want to die,you don't even want to live anymore.
Then you get a break in life. No rapes no assaults for years and your body is still always ready and waiting for what someone might want. You become so in tune to everything around you every ounce of danger that "COULD" be. You live, but life is more than scary. When these things happen over and over that is how you see the world. It's terrifying and exhausting. And at the same time its absolutely all that you know. And I have been told we don't live in absolutes but for me that was my life.
As the years pass, the assaults get further away with each day, each minute, each second but the damage is always there. You crave kindness more than anything and are scared to death because that how it can start, but you know that is not how its going to end. You live, you go on with life but there are parts of you that are numb, that will never be the same. The things that have happened you can't take back and you live wit the constant intrusions, while all the time continuing the day, but you are rarely in the moment, because you can't if you were in the moment you would have to feel all the hurt and your heart simply couldn't take it. You already feel damaged, to live in the moment is carrying the weight of the world like there is no one else in the world. When this is your life you are the only person in the entire world. Its lonely.
In time that loneliness hurts more and you think you have to try to live you want to feel, you want to believe that there is someplace where danger is not a constant so you try and you try in all the wrong places. And your body gets in situations and it just shuts down. That is exactly what happened when I was 29. I wanted so much to be normal, I wanted kindness and I let my guard down and I was raped. And I can tell you that I don't even remember a lot of it, and that more than scares me. I tried to fight I tried, to scream but I am not sure that anything came out. My brain took over and I survived. I remember his shirt coming off, and thinking "NO this can not happen" and then i remember the pillow falling on my face, I can tel you my head was turned to the left and I was gone just like that. I was so far away, I can't tell you what happened, it was like I wasn't there. I know that I was, only my head my heart was somewhere else, in a place far away. I didn't come back until he was done and got off of me, and was leaving. My body and mind knew and took over.
So there are all kinds of rapes, the child ones, the older ones the ones when the world turns black because they are so overwhelming. They are all rape and the way that a person deals with them. They are all destructive and tear at a persons soul. Someone was arguing once saying a part of them dies that they didn't see their assault that way, but I do. Pieces of me are dead and I can never get them back. I am working on trying to get some pieces back, bring parts of me back to life but I don't know sometimes if its possible. I am sure that as I find people that are there and do stay that I can heal. But I am not sure about some of those deepest darkest spots, because that is all i ever knew. I see the light today, I continue to work on these pieces, its exhausting, its often overwhelming but I keep fighting. Sometimes I don't even know why, I think its in my bones. There are so many times that giving up would be such a better option but I keep fighting. There is such a drive to make sure that people see things different, that people do things different treat people different, sometimes that drive is a good thing, sometimes it is not. But I am still here and someday this is all going to make sense to me and i am going to understand what it all means and how it fits into the big picture. Though right now I don't know about anything. I am just trying to keep one foot in front of the other and keep my head above water.
I heart your heart.
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