Awhile back I wrote an email to a friend and I said I feel like I am drowning what am I supposed to do! And I got back a response well it seems like you have been drowning for a long time. And I was a little hurt that somehow that isn't how I was supposed to be feeling but really I am not sure that I was conveying what I truly needed. Even this past month in Colorado, I do not say what I need I just do what needs to be done. And I am not sure that is working for me anymore. In that process I end up suffering, because I don't say what I need and just go with what would be easier. Often it just means doing something a different way, and I have to learn to speak up for myself. Which I don't do often.
Someone asked me to rate what was going on each day on a scale of 1-10 and see how things rank. And it was really hard because, I don't acknowledge where I truly am. I think I am generally a 5-6. A 10 would be in Colorado, or by the ocean, listening to my favorite music and not thinking at all. Sometimes a 10 could even be doing my journals, that makes me feel better and gets what is in my head out. If I am a 1 or 2, check for a pulse, something is terribly wrong and I can not do it on my own anymore.
I think my scale and someone else's scale are totally different and Most would be different, but I am not sure that most people come from a place of drowning. I grew up basically completely underwater, and that is where I live my life from a lot of the time. I am working on getting completely out of the water but its a long hard process, I have a ways to go. Growing up there was no 1 or 2 because I never would have survived beyond 5 years old. So I learned to live basically drowning. For me surviving under water was a necessity.
And there were people as I got older, in my thirties that reached under and pulled me up for air and that was an amazing feeling something i had never experienced before. I was used to drowning, I was used to so much happening and being totally overwhelmed all the time. For me and where I have come from, I feel like i constantly need that hand to help me along and remind me that I am OK. Sure I can do it on my own; I need that , yes I NEED that extra encouragement. I need people reaching out letting me know its OK, the world is OK. Believe me I hate that I need it, but I do. I have done life on my own since before i can even remember, and I don't want to do the next part of my life alone. It's more than hard , what I need is a lot to ask of people. I whole lot and I completely understand that. I don't get the luxury of having a lot of people around. Most wouldn't have me, there is too much, to many questions, to much history, and not enough just fun.
Generally, there are a lot of things on my plate that's just the nature of the beast for me. I could name so many things but that is not the point. I am used to doing all those things. But I really believe that I do have people that are staying that are not going anywhere and i have to work on letting them help me. I get used to doing things on my own and letting someone help is a fight. Feeling like a bother and a pest are more than natural and some of those things are going to take a life time to overcome but I will. I can if people continue to reach out, and let me know that its OK. And if I can continue to believe that people want to reach out and help, I just have to let them.
It's more than hard when you are always fine. I could be dying , in pain and I would say that I are fine. People get used to that with me. Everything is always ok There are very few people who know when my fine isn't really fine at all. I am that person that will be drowning in the middle of the ocean and will take care of it on her own. And when I do start flailing for help, it will be mistaken for a wave and they will wave back or ignore and keep going. They won't even realize that my wave was a cry for help. I wasn't waving I was drowning. I know that is hard for people to understand. That is just me. I am trying. If I wave stop and make sure I am ok, I may tell you I am fine but I may tell you I really need you.
I heart your heart.
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