Family

Funny how things come together sometimes.  How so many things came together today. All in one day. I went to a new church this morning that someone I call family, contacted for me. I was grateful. I really liked the church they were genuine, though I am very cautious,  not sure that I am meant to be in a church right now. It would be amazing if this was a fit for me, I don't have it in me to look around Then Counseling, he is pushing more which is a good thing making me work, but it was hard, talking about family, my mother my love of whales and what they mean. My brain was literally spent. Then I got a face book message about a memory, and it was from two years ago.  A picture of the email that my mother left out, that tore me apart that was more than unkind.  It made me cry the kind of cry where you can't breathe, and it feels like the world is crashing around you. She said that I had a peace breaking spirit, that was crushing .  And that was the same day that Catrina had invited us over for dinner to give us a break, to offer her home to offer her heart. And then tonight the message from my brothers girlfriend, calling him a sweet heart and thanking him for the trip to Sea World....REALLY....what a way to top it off.... FAMILY SUCKS

Yea so that was the day and now my heart.  That is a lot all at once.  But it brings me to family.

And I was asked like if i was comfortable with my decision, about my mother and my brother. That I was done that there was nothing else that I could do. That if something happened to them, would I regret anything or would I be OK with everything.  And I said that I absolutely would.  That I can not be hurt anymore, that I just can't that I gave it all and there is nothing else for me to do.  I keep seeing that letter in my head and am even more sure.Yes, yes I am completely done.   I know that i have done the right thing but that doesn't make it hurt any less.  I don't have any real family.  I have people that I belong with. That always place to call home, yea I don't have that.  I can be part of families at the holidays or on special occasions but those people HAVE families already.   They can do whatever they want for the holidays their families are always there.  People with out families its an entirely different story.  We wait for someone to say join us for the holiday, if not there will be no great conversation, no games, no family stories, no cleaning the kitchen together. It will just be the normal everyday with a much bigger dinner mess.And I am not talking about my children I do all the special things for them but for me, there is nothing for me. Such a complicated thing really, and if you have a family this might not make any sense but if you don't you just might understand.  Mariska was funny, I was just doing the dishes working on dinner and she said its OK if its just us, you make a great turkey.  And I smile because I am their family and that is an amazing thing.  But me, there is no other family.

The church that I just left would talk about church family, and I got excited in the beginning, thinking that I was once again going to have my own family, things didn't turn out that way and people don't understand.  When you don't have a family you can't tell them that they are and then ignore and look the other way.  You just can't do that, because it tears at our hearts.

Even this church, so many things they did were awesome.  The pastor was called about a homeless person that needed help and someone in the church reached out and helped.  The music leaders were leaving for another opportunity, and he called everyone up to pray over, gather around them them as they are on their way.  For me I saw Family and I love that and it scares me at the same time.  I can not get involved in family and be left again, I just can't.      

I know that Vincent and Mariska are a family, its just the three of us but sometimes most of the time it would be nice if there was more.  To talk about what the kids are doing, what I am doing talk about the things that i care about, that I am working on things that I am worried about or proud about.  All those things that you get to share with family, there is no family. The inside family jokes and favorite dishes, all of that is greatly missed.

There is nothing left with my mother and that is more than sad. big thing shave happened and I can never go back.  Leaving that letter out, changing the locks after we moved out, REALLY, Changing the code on the garage?  My heart was broken beyond repair on this one  For whatever reason she turned, and I will not go back. She has no feelings for me, and I can't fight for her to have them. Taking her back or starting a relationship is asking for more hurt for both my children and I.  I tried, so very hard, I can't try anymore.  My brother I am done. He can come to visit my mother all he wants, I know where I stand.  He changed his number and never told me. Nothing else that I can do.  I will do the right thing, and send birthday cards telling him he is in my thoughts and I will get no reply but that's OK.  I know that I have done the right thing.  I can not and won't be the joke of the family, ever again.

So family, if you have one hold on tight.  Call them once in awhile, let them know you care even with the craziness, they are your family.