Oh my goodness I have dreaded this for so very long. Knowing that there was going to come a day when I would have to tell my children a truth that even I didn't want to accept. A huge truth that I was sure would break their heart. I had no idea what I was going to do or how I was going to handle it. I didn't know the words I was going to say, or how I was even going to get them out of my mouth. I had talked about it a few times through out their life, asking about the how and why to a close friend . There was a huge part of me that wanted to lie. Just leave things out my omission. I thought it would be easier on them, just to take all the blame on myself. I have always wanted to do it at the right time, in the right way. I want to say all the right words and make it pretty and perfect. Only its nothing pretty or perfect. Its unimaginable and hard and it sucks. I had not thought much about my own feelings and thoughts everything was about them. I was terrified. What if they hated me, what if they blamed themselves, what if they felt less than. In a situation like this there are so many unknowns and things that you could never know. There have been little signs here and there, that I would glaze over, basically ignore. And I felt terrible but I honestly didn't have a clue what to do.
So it was months ago, January exactly when I found an article, and I began to think, this is going to be me some day. I have to explain these things to my children. I was concerned and knew that Vincent had questions, his little mind was making connections and I was scared. Mariska wasn't really asking much, but I knew the time was coming. And I asked questions to a friend of mine, what in the world was I supposed to do. Again this is something that a mom just doesn't know what to do. There is no manual for this, no normal no right way to do it. There is NOTHING normal in this. So I waited and waited. Because this is something that my children have to deal with but there are also so many pieces that my own heart has to deal with. I wanted to make it fit into my own heart and figure it all out before I shared with my children. Only this is something that would never fit or make sense no matter what I did. This would never make sense in my heart. This is not something that a person can just talk about either. Many friends don't want to talk about it, or don't have a clue how and I don't blame them. Its really heavy, its really big and no one knows what to say or do to make it any easier.
It all really started on Fathers day this year. It was exceptionally hard; I don't know why it just was. And this year Vincent had a little, OK HUGE melt down. He hated that it was fathers day, hated hearing about it, hated seeing it on TV. And every commercial he let us know how much he hated it. And then Came the day and it was miserable. I tried to make it OK, do something different but it just wasn't working this year. Then we went to sit down for dinner and the flood gated opened he was so upset that it was fathers day that he didn't have one, his little feelings were all over the place and there was nothing that I could do to make it any better to make that pain of not having a dad go away. I was crushed. He was a mess at the dinner table and I was scared. I knew that the things I was most dreading in the world were going to need to be spoken and very soon. But, How, how does a mom do this? I sent a good friend an emergency text asking what in the world I was supposed to do, I was beyond terrified. I was in panic mode. This was a moment that scared me more than almost anything in this life. I was afraid that I was going to break their sweet kind hearts by telling them the truth.
Honestly the thought of lying to them was always only a thought away. I would rather take the blame and lie to them than tell them the truth and break them. There were oh so many reasons, I didn't want to lie to them but I wanted to make it as easy as possible. Was it really that important that they know, was it that big of a deal. I know this isn't at all a nice or pretty option but that is where my head was. For a long time that is what I was planning on telling them. I was going to tell them that I was just a slut that got pregnant. SERIOUSLY, that is what I was planning on telling them, in my head it sounded like the perfect answer. Once I spoke those words out loud i knew that it didn't fit, but I thought it was going to be easier on my children, than telling them the truth. As time passed it became clearer and clearer that all the perfect scenarios that I had in my head were not going to work. They needed the truth. I owed them that.
Believe me I didn't come to that on my own. I had amazing people telling me, "but that isn't the truth, Sherri". It isn't your truth or theirs. I knew that but it was devastating, the truth was painful. In the very beginning, I was as far from the truth as any person could get. I couldn't acknowledge anything, my own heart was broken, my beautiful amazing children that meant so much coming from something evil, how does a person reason with that? After that moment, he was not a thought, my children were all that mattered. I believed that I was a slut and got what I deserved. They had to tell me over and over and over again, that I was not . They knew that that wasn't me, and said no one would ever believe that anyway. I could not lie to my children , BECAUSE it wasn't the truth at all. Nothing about the situation made me a slut. I also thought that maybe I could soften the blow and just say well you know it wasn't a big deal , he just didn't listen. That wasn't right either. Him not listening was a big deal. He disrespected me,he forced me and he didn't listen to my telling him no, over and over that we were supposed to go shopping. Me telling them the truth meant that I had to face that truth. And I can not explain with words how difficult that it is. I had to realize certain truths about myself and that was more than difficult. I am still not even sure that I am there yet. Of if I will ever totally be there.
My good and friend and I were talking about it, that it needed to happen. That telling them , especially Vincent was so much better than keeping him in the dark. There were a lot of tears, and lots of discussion. I knew it was necessary I did, but it was going to take some insane courage and I wasn't sure if I had enough. He said that he would help that we could do it together. I have to be honest and I have said it before I so wanted him to tell Vincent. I thought he would do it much better then I ever would. And he would look at me with that look and say but its not my story to tell. I remember those words always and forever. They played over and over in my head, but its my story even if I didn't want it to be. It just was.
I was a complete chicken the day that I was going to tell Vincent. I really didn't think I was going to be able to do it and I came up with excuse after excuse, but the love that I have, I knew that as their mom he deserved answers. I didn't know all the thoughts that were in his head but I knew from my own experiences the games that your mind can play when you have ideas about things but you don't really know. I didn't want to do that to Vincent. There was more crying, there was a lot of the how and what ifs and then it was just that moment when no amount of talking or asking whys was going to make it any better. I just had to do it.
And I had my friend start by telling Vincent; your mom asked for my help that she really wants to talk to you. That this is something really big and really hard and she needed my help. And so the conversation was started. I am not sure that I was breathing or that my heart was beating. I wanted to scream at the world just hoe unfair that this entire situation was. There are certain parts that replay over and over in my head there are pieces that play in slow motion. There are moments that I am sure I don't remember at all. I gave him very basic information. That he was not nice and didn't listen to me. I told him that his name was Charles and gave him a few specifics. Not a lot, there is only so much that his little heart could take at once. This was the first conversation of many , a starting point and there were pieces that at 11 there was no way for him to understand. He cried, he cried really hard. I put my hand on him, it broke my heart, I felt guilty, I was afraid, I was terrified that he was going to hate me. We asked him some questions, what killed me was that he had thought that my father Bob was his father. It was like a knife through my chest. We talked, I listened, I tried to give him time, let him process. We were quiet, we cried we were doing this together. We stood up and I just held on to him, this was my son, this was the kindest sweetest, most sensitive young man. And the heaviness, I had just given him, a lot of information, I was grateful I didn't have to do it on my own, but the heaviness, it was not fair that this was something that he had to deal with.
He went upstairs to write, I wrote some, but then just sat in the corner of the coach, I couldn't get any closer to the cushions, I wanted to hide, I wanted to fade in so no one would ever notice. So many things were running through my head, and this was just the beginning there was still so much to figure out.
Its amazing after something big like that, and there is so much that is going on in your head and yet, the world continues, people keep laughing life goes on. And that is the strangest thing, you want to scream at the world do you know what happened to me, what I had to tell my son today, and yet the sun still sets, dinner is still served, and night time comes. And the next day you wake up and the day starts all over again with the new sunrise, and things are the same as the were the day before only he has more information and the more things he knows, the more questions that he asks; I realize the more things stay the same. Because regardless of Charles, I love them with all that I am. They are still my life and I am grateful, because of them I am a mom and there is nothing in the world better than that.
In the in-between there are questions that need to be asked and I am sure that I don't have a clue what many of them are. I have to hope that I will be prepared, and that I will be honest and answer them in the way that they need them answered, with as much truth as they can handle. Some of the details they may never know, there is no need. As they get older as they continue in their own life path, things will come up and I have to be ready. And as they come I will be as honest as I can exactly where they are. Exactly where I am.
Then there was telling sweet Mariska. I was on my own for this one. I was not as worried as I was with Vincent. I am not sure why, I thought he would take it much harder and for him it was more relief than anything else. Mariska was on the other side was much harder than I ever thought. I thought OK I have done this once I can do it again. The reaction that I feared Vincent would have was exactly what I got with Mariska. I was terrified, and I didn't have a clue if I did the right thing.
Vincent had known a little over a week and even telling her was a huge question. She had not been asking questions like Vincent and I just didn't know. But at the same time I didn't want her being upset wondering why I told Vincent and then not her. How they deal with things is just so completely different, I just wanted to do the right thing only I didn't have a clue what that right thing was. So Vincent went out to get his hockey skates. Mariska and I were running a few errands. I think I was probably stalling, I knew the time was coming and again I was terrified. But after all the talking and Guidance from my most amazing friends I thought it would be OK. So I was putting the groceries away and I began, and I heard myself talking saying some of the same things that were said to Vincent. That I wanted them to know, that it was hard, that it was really big but also something that they needed to know. As I talked the look on Mariska's face. I saw, pure devastation. And I sat with her on the couch and she couldn't even look at me and the tears flowed. And she couldn't speak a single word. I would ask her a question and there was nothing but tears. I did this I just broke her heart. She went into her own world and I just couldn't reach her. We were on the couch for ever and I just talked to her told her that it was OK to be sad or mad, all and anything that she might be feeling. There were no words to describe those moments. Its knowing that something hurts so very much and also knowing there isn't a damn thing that you can do about it. There was nothing left of either one of us and we made some lunch. Once we were at the table and I was asking what she thought if she was OK and still no words just that so hard cry that you can't breathe. It was excruciating, I felt as though I had caused this pain and it was unbearable I wanted to be there but she wouldn't let me in. I just stayed by her side letting her cry, holding on to her that was all that i could do.
And then I saw her tears on the table.
And it almost killed me, I hated Charles for doing this to me for doing this to my children. This was not fair to anyone of us but this was the truth something that we are going to have to work through together and I broke inside. This was not the life that we were supposed to live. Mariska needed a break, I think she went to her room to read and me I am not sure what I did. My head was spinning. I was wishing that I wasn't on my own. I was/am not so strong And I kept thinking I broke her heart , I did this and she can't even look at me. This was the reaction that I feared, the reaction that terrified me.
Again I sent an emergency text asking what in the world I was supposed to do, this was the most painful thing I have ever had to do my entire life. I was alone in this and I didn't want to be. I was reassured that I did the right thing, its just a really hard situation no matter how you look it and the fact is that this is our truth, this is just something that we do have to deal with.
Now that it is done. My children know, as much as they can for now. My heart is still in knots, there are many nightmares and flashbacks, lots of crying myself to sleep. I can wish my life away on the hope that things were different but they are not. These are my precious children whose life began with something other than a love story and for that there is more shame than I would ever like to admit. There are pieces of this that I am sure will take a lifetime to work on. Its so strange how life goes on, we are back to normal, they are doing their normal things. My heart is just trying to comprehend it all, what I really want to do is curl up in a ball, but life goes on and so must I. I did have a dream though, and a strange one, while he was hurting, when I went away in my head , in the place that I went I went to pick them out, and there was a knowing a peace that they would always know that I choose them. Yes, that something terrible happened, but with that terrible came my becoming a mother, and there was never anything else that I wanted more. I am sure we have a long road ahead of us, but I am also sure we can do it together. I am sure having them has made my life richer, and even more wonderful than I ever could have imagined. Grateful.
I heart your heart my amazing children. I will always be so sorry, so very sorry but I hope you always know that you were loved and wanted always always.
So we just got back from our trip to Colorado on Sunday. Its amazing how excited that we are leaving early in the morning ready to be there. It is a great drive, remembering different landmarks, counting the hours until we get there. Oh, how coming home it’s a different story it’s the longest ride. I cry 90 % of the time, because I leave part of my heart there. I cry as we cross state lines, I cry as the mountains fall out of view. I cry because each mile the people that I love the most are getting further and further away. Because I love those people more than I love almost anything. There, is just away from here where so much has happened. It is peaceful and kind and loving and I feel good things. I am safe and taken care of my heart is heard. My heart feels so full and safe in their company and I can just be…I can just be. We were going to leave early the next Saturday then Amy sent a text and said that she had to work all week and that James was leaving early Friday and did I want to leave Sunday so we could do something her and me and the kids on Saturday. What, I was being asked to stay an extra day! Who me??? YEA, that would be awesome. I told you I love these people. Even in my craziness, they love me. I have said it before and will say it again, I do not know why or how come they love me but they do and I am forever blessed.
A part of me does not want to be writing this. If I am writing this that means that, I am back in Texas. Leaving Colorado is always something that I dread no it's more than that; it's a feeling I don't even have words for . My heart has been fragile and worried lately. I almost did not go. How crazy is that !!!! I didn't want to be a bother and a pest; I didn't want to feel the sadness when the time would come to leave. There were millions of excuses in my head, I was scared because there I knew that I was going to be loved and I was going to feel all the things that I don't allow myself to feel here. This trip was perfect timing because I needed these people, maybe more than ever before . I have been back from DC a few weeks and I needed a break, my heart needed to be loved. So I threw every excuse out the window, I knew that if I did not go, I would have said that I wished I did. So early Friday morning July 10, we were on the road by 4 am, later than I wanted but we were on our way. The trip there is always fun, we make sandwiches for in the car and eat Pringles. We listen to lots of music; I get to choose since I am the one driving. We listen to a little of everything, Blue, October, fall Out Boy, Billy Joel, Phil Collins, Simon Collins, Bastille, Mumford and Sons, Jason Gray even a little Michael Bolton, I know I know but I love it all!! I sing to all the songs and drive my children crazy. I was a little grouchy in the car to be fair to my children. They were just being annoying and I was a little on edge, my heart was in worried mode, for everything and nothing all at the same time. I just wanted to be there.
We stopped at the old favorite rest stop that has Beware of Snakes signs around every corner, and it makes us laugh. By the way, we have yet to see a snake, maybe we just have to visit more often?!? I don't know but we have made this stop a tradition whether we need it or not. We take in the scenery it starts getting less flat and a little more hilly. Inside I am glowing when we stop here I know that in 8 hours we will be in Colorado. And we keep driving, and driving and driving. This time it is a little different. We are going to start with a little camping. I have to say I have only been camping one other time, and it was not bad we can say that it was an experience. I was worried that I would not do it right, that I would need to much help. I was going camping with people in their community group and I didn't want them to see me as an intruder. Let's face it I am not a people person and I was more than a little worried. The excitement always wins though. Getting to spend time with my favorite people makes my heart happy. I am sure I will say it more times, I really needed them just to be with them in their company. My heart needed this break. We made it in New Mexico, and FINALLY, we were under Colorado skies, an breathing seemed a little easier. There is a little scenic look out as soon as you cross the Colorado line where you can stop and people sign the guardrail. And I did, I put "Off the Record" a heart and I love you Valerie and Neil. These people are never far from my heart,they understand me and also care for my heart. Coming to Colorado felt like pieces coming together for me. I was suppossed to be here.
YES!! Finally in Colorado
Our view from the camp site! Majestic really
We finally found the campgrounds, they were amazing, right in the mountains, there was no phone signal just you and the amazing mountains and it was perfect. We found our site, it was everything amazing, you could hear the stream in the background, and the mountains oh they were something magical and we were not even there 15 minutes and we saw a beautiful deer just standing there watching us. It was perfect. I think she was welcoming us, and telling me that everything was going to be ok. I may have shed some tears, it was beautiful. There was only one other family there and they were awesome, they were inviting and warm, asking if we needed any help if there was anything that they could do. They were kind, and I was glad. We set everything up got our tent up and mattress in place we were ready to do this. After the unpacking and fixing, my favorite people were there. We saw the kids first and gave them a huge hug, they have grown up. I saw Amy and gave her a hug, and then I saw James and gave him a hug. My heart was relived these were my people, right in front of me, I could hug them and there was a calm. Everything was going to be ok.
The kids were thrilled and off playing. I did a lot of standing around offering help when I could; I was letting it all sink in. I was in Colorado. I was safe and sound. I was feet away from my favorite people. And I got to see the Madrons again, people that I really really liked, which is a miracle in itself. We took a tour of the campsite. Checking everything out. The kids loved the little arcade and table tennis. There was a little playground right next to Amy and James' camp. Everything was perfect, the people the weather the location nothing could have been any better. It was breathing the cool air, it was being. In every second, there were no thoughts there was just being and for me that feels more than amazing. My mind runs a million miles an hour ALL THE TIME. I have to be ready for everything and anything. Here I was just me, just taking it all in and enjoying. Everything was so beautiful the people the friends the scenery it was all wonderful, and I was there I was a part and that made my heart happy. We ended Friday evening with smores and stars what could have been nothing closer to perfect. There was lots of laughing, lots of everything perfect. The stars, oh my goodness there were millions of them.It was like someone threw glitter in the night sky, there were so many! It was something that did not seem real. We see nothing in Texas compared to the stars that we saw by the mountains, it was amazing.
Sleeping was well, sleeping and camping I am not sure go together. I slept some, it was chilly. The kids were wiggly and could not figure out sleeping bags, somewhat funny, only not for them really… Who knew you sleep in sleeping bags zipped up not totally unzipped. I heard little things rustling, Mariska kept moaning I asked if she was ok, of course, she said yes, I have no idea where she gets that from then the moaning continued then I asked if she needed to use the rest room. I got a firm, YES!! Figures that means I have to find my way to the rest room in the dark, MY FAVORITE!!! SO we did, got our shoes on, and yes, we did get lost, but we eventually found the rest room and eventually found our way back. The adventures of camping had begun. Mariska feel fast asleep once we got back I fell asleep with crazy nightmares, so I did not quite get restful sleep. I woke up as the sun came up, ready to start the day. As I got dressed, I tripped on Vincent's cot and ended up with a bruise on my leg about 7 by 5 inches, yes it was huge and very ugly and very sore. I had to be careful how I sat to make sure that nothing touched it. That is how the day started a little rough. Nevertheless, I kept going. We did breakfast. Well Amy and James did breakfast really, I put them on the fire then proceeded to burn them, making more than half-inedible. Live and learn right. Next time we think we will cook them on the griddle where we can control the temperature.
Then we were deciding what we were going to do for the day and we decided on Royal Gorge. It was explained as a smaller version of the Grand Canyon, PERFECT. So we all got ready and we were off. The entire trip there seemed to be a problem with me following others I kept missing James truck, like every chance that I had, crazy! But we were on the road and ready to go. We got there and poor Mariska was like yea I am not walking across that bridge. I thought you drove across the bridge, but no, you get to walk across so that was really awesome. Not so much for Mariska she was serious, she was scared to death. Only I did not know that yet. We all got our tickets and headed over the bridge it was beautiful, it was warm but not hot. Mariska was quiet, I knew something was up but could not put my finger on it. We crossed the bridge and were ready to hit up a show. Mariska was almost in tears; again, she kept saying that she was fine. We watched the show, a mix of magic and aerial acts pretty cool. Just being made the difference, the people that we were with, it was awesome. We were getting ready to leave and again the tears started with Mariska. She would not say a word. So I asked if Vincent could go with the Wiebe's and I would stay and figure out what was wrong with Mariska. I knew that something wasn't right. We got a drink and Mariska lost it, she cried and cried and said that she was really afraid. She was more than serious when she said that she didn't want to cross. Her stomach was upset from the fear. So I said ok lets cross the bridge and we can go back to the other side, Mariska froze, she would not move. She was scared to death to walk across again. But that was the only option, you walk across or do one of a few things all scary , and each one you had to cross the Gorge….So finally after a long time I took her hand and she cried all the way across but we made it and she was like I do not want to do that ever again. Poor thing. So we waited for everyone to finish. We talked and talked, we were attacked by little gnats that were more than annoying. We were fine waiting for everyone it was warm, the sun was out and all was well. Lots of people watching.
We finally caught up with our people and we headed back to the campsite. My brain was spinning not sure, why really, it was, and I somehow missed everyone even pulling out of the parking lot and JJ had to come knock on the window, I felt like an idiot, but I was fine and began to follow them. The way to the campsite is more than amazing, I would loose sight of everyone then catch them then I totally lost James. Then I was behind the Madron's, and felt comfortable only we got stuck behind a huge 18 wheeler, and So Solomon decides to be dare devil and speeds past the truck. And that left me on this winding road, behind a huge truck my phone with no GPS and I was in a panic. My worst fear is being lost and not having a clue where to go and that is exactly where I was. The Madron's realized that I was not behind them. They waited by where we were supposed to turn and they saw the truck, then they saw me driving by…….I had no clue. For me the tears were starting, I was scared; I made it up the road finally stopping at a little restaurant, to turn around knowing that I had not seen this scenery before. Mariska saved us, she spotted the sign, Cutty's and we had found our way back. On our way up the dirt road we saw James and Solomon, they were all smiles and James said, "You took the scenic route huh?" I love him but I did not think this was funny, I was seriously scared. I had many choice words running through my head. They turned around and we all made it back. My heart was still in a panic, I know crazy but it was and it took until the following day to feel ok, that was the boiling point of so many emotions for me and it took something so little and I wanted to crawl in a hole. We made it back, the kids didn't know what they wanted to do, and we finally decided on swimming. Solomon came up to me saying he was sorry and explaining that they thought I would catch up and go around the truck. So sweet but my head was into crawling in a hole. We tried the outside pool but yea it was beyond freezing so we went to the indoor pool and yea my head was not there. It was just rough, but the kids were having fun and that was all that mattered. I went on the patio since the indoor pool was more of a sauna and cried, the emotion that I had pent up for weeks was spilling over. There were so very many emotions, and I cannot even explain them all or the why's and how's it was just a moment. Everyone left and I was with the kids, I cried we eventually went to the outside pool. I was trying to gather my thoughts this was not the time to crawl in a hole but every bone in my body wanted too. But I didn't and the kids played and had a blast. We had the most amazing dinner and then off to the Karaoke show. I was letting it all soak in; the kids had so much fun. It was getting late so we all headed back to camp to make more smores. The stars again were more than amazing. I was teary again. Just to be with my favorite people with new people and I just wanted to soak it all in. It was getting late people were going to bed and then there was just James and I. After great coaxing my children finally went to bed. Well I just love him and he makes my heart feel better, he has the right words and makes my heart feel not so broken. We talked some about DC some about me, I cried of coarse I cried, then we saw Vincent and his flashlight Mariska was being difficult. I told him to go back to the tent I would be there in a minute, it worked for a short time, but he was back again so we said goodnight and I was off to settle the troops in our tent. My children got an earful. Really, how often do I get to see James and you two are fighting about what? Nothing?? So I helped them fix their sleeping bags and got them settled. I wrote for some time, there wasn't much sleeping, but then again I am pretty used to that and I couldn't lay on my leg with the bruise, even the blankets hurt. So another long night. But I was under the cool Colorado sky and it was amazing. I was up super early. I walked the grouds took some time for me.
I went on this little bridge. There was lots of tears thoughts about, my test, a job, where I am suppossed to be. I Took in all the scenery, thought about the people I was more than grateful that I made this trip with. This is where I was supposed to be and these were the people that I was supposed to be with and that felt good. Everyone started to get up and get packed up. We had one more breakfast and then we were heading out. I was soaking it all in, then off to pack up our own campsite. I was worried that I wouldn't do it fast enough, or right. We spent I can't even tell you how long trying to pack the Wiebe's sleeping bags that they let us borrow. Then Amy came over to help and she did it in less than 10 seconds ……something to know you don't roll sleeping bags just shove them in…..OH….now I know. Amy came over and helped with what was left I was grateful, thanks Amy! Then everything was all packed, car was loaded everyone said their goodbyes and we were off to their house. I asked James please make sure that I am behind you ok ? Just that look, he said of coarse. And he did I was right behind him the entire trip to their house and things were perfect. I didn't get left behind. We stopped at Sonic to get some snacks for the kids and then we were off to the Wiebe's. Again I cried some, I just miss them so very much and being with them , with people who love you unconditionally makes a heart feel nothing but good things. My heart needs more good things, they were just what my tired heart needed.
So finally we made it to the Weibe house. It was so perfect and so them, absolutely gorgeous !!! They had it all planned. Vincent was going to sleep with Nathan and Mariska was going to sleep in the girls room which meant that I had the guest bedroom to myself. What, a whole bed I think I died and went to heaven. And to know that we were all safe, there is a safety for me with Amy and James that I don't have in Texas and its something I can't explain; it just is and it feels more than amazing. The work that they had done on the house, the little touches that were so them, I loved it. They showed us around, gave us the tour. The kids were off playing. We unpacked some of the camping stuff. Amy , James and I were sitting in the living room, just chilling I was enjoying sitting, part of me not believing that I was finally there. These are the moments that my heart needs, I have told them before just being in the same room is good for me, just being, and there would be a lot of that this week. And I was grateful. James asked if there were some things that might help Vincent that we had talked about months earlier, he didn't forget. He didn't have to but he remembered. Amy said something about seeing my clip from my documentary, and asked James to send it to her. My heart smiled. No one has to watch it, but she wanted to. It's been a road lately and I needed someone to notice and to care and to let me talk. She watched and didn't say much, again it made me cry. We all took showers they ordered Pizza and we watched some TV. A perfect Sunday night. My heart was happy, my heart was taken care of. We were in Colordo, in my favorite peoples house! Heaven for sure.
So Monday morning I slept an entire 8 ½ hours, that never happens, I felt so good when I woke up! I was rested and refreshed it was more than amazing. And the nanny was there and part of me felt guilty I could totally take care of the kids while Amy and James worked, but it worked out amazing and I got time for me all week. It was miraculous really, I needed this break more than words. I made myself a drink and got to drink the entire thing myself no sharing. And I ate cold pizza for lunch I loved it , everything was perfect. I needed this even more than I knew.
James said hey when you get a minute can I talk to you. Sure, and we talked in his office. I was quite comfortable, I had spent many hours in these chairs and now this person was one of my dearest friends. He is honest and true with me more than anyone in my entire life. I talked to him about Vincent; things I was worried about, things that as his mom I don't have a clue about, and he helped me. I was afraid of breaking his little heart, he is so sensitive. Vincent is so attentive to me and what I think and feel. Fathers day was more than difficult for me this year and was exceptionally hard on Vincent and it was time to have really difficult conversations and James was there to support and encourage me and I was more than grateful. He said that he would be there as support. I wasn't going to cry; I know crazy thought, of coarse I did. This was a conversation that would be life changing for both Vincent and I . I think I wanted James to have that conversation, No I am sure that I did. I knew he would say it so much better than I ever would. I jokingly said that he was the expert, and with that smile James said but its your story not mine. But I didn't want it to be my story, or the Callahan story! He said we would figure out together. I was not in this alone, and that felt amazing. He was going to take Vincent out hiking and I was more than happy. I don't trust people generally and I sure don't trust people with my children, I know that James will care for his heart and be gentle and that is just what Vincent needed. They left for their hike, I wrote and the girls were playing upstairs I hade time for me, I knew that it was the time to have those hard conversations, I didn't know how and I didn't expect to have them this week, but it was time. I was grateful I didn't have to do it on my own. James said that he had time later in the week and would help me. I was grateful and more than scared. Also blessed that I had this help.
They came home from hiking and Vincent was super excited he couldn't stop talking about it. He was excited, doing guy things something with out mom, was exactly what he needed.
Tuesday I got to rest, I wrote lots, I played with the kids, I chilled out in bed, I went through a million things in my head. I had time for me and that felt good. I was also looking forward to see if I passed my test. And I looked it up and the results were in. I was scared to look, but if it wasn't good at least I knew that I was with people who were supportive, so I clicked on the link, it took a few minutes I was scared to look but I passed. YES, the next step was complete, I had done it! I texted a few people, to let them know.Catrina,Valerie, Amy, James, what a relief ! I texted my principal . Everyone wa excited. Valerie's response made me cry well of coarse you did, she is another person that loves me and it was cool to have all these pieces come together under one roof. Pieces were coming together that I can't even explain, and it was greatness. I finished the day in a daze really, things were happening. Good things were happening. And the other Amy and the kids came for dinner. James cooked out on the grill. Everything was so calm so relaxing we got caught up on big brother and America's got talent. We just were, and that felt perfect and everything right.
Wednesday, again I got to chill out . Vincent Emma and I ran to the store, she wanted to make pretzel bark. Again just a day to be. I was soaking up every second. I kind of avoided James, I knew that he was there to help me but I was scared. I didn't know how I was going to do it, I didn't know if the right words would come. I kind of wanted to crawl in a hole in his office and never come out, but that wasn't an option. My mind was spinning. These people know me better than most and I don't have to pretend to be ok, here I just am and that is amazing. That evening we took the train into down town Denver that was an experience. One that I am sue Amy and I will never forget. We ate at a cool restraunt, walked downtown some, the weather was perfect. Vincent was a little sad he kept asking are they homeless, his little heart, its a good one he wants to help the world. James met us there, things were great. We made it back all the children safe and sound. They made it off to bed and we caught up on Big Brother, PERFECTION I tell you PERFECTION. Nothing was expected of me, I just got to chill and then go to bed in my OWN bed. In my own Room. Yes, I called the guest Bedroom my room.
So Thursday happened, my stomach was in knots there was not much sleep. I knew that today was my chance to talk to Vincent. And I tried to ignore, tried to be normal and it wasn't working. I took my shower was doing my hair. James was in his office. And the emotions the thoughts were racing and I just stood at his door, and I asked how in the world do I do this James, How do I tell Vincent about his father?!? I was more scared than I had ever been. I didn't know how I was going to say the words how I was going to break his heart how I was going to be ok sharing this part of our story, James told me to come in, and I was a huge chicken. I was more than scared and he was reassuring and kind and said all the right things. I knew it was time but feared that Vincent would hate me. I had been dreading this moment for a very long time and the time was NOW, it was here. I wanted to do it right say all the right words, have all the answers but with something like this there is no perfect, there is no right way its just the truth and it deserves to be told. And Vincent deserves that. So I said there is no easy way is there? we just have to do it….and with a kind Yes from James I went and got Vincent asked if he wanted Lunch and asked him to come into James' office. That is for another time there is still much to process and understand. I was grateful that I didn't have to do it alone. I was blessed to have James there guiding me. Finally Vincent knew the truth, as much as his little heart could handle. We all cried. The love that was in that room, was breathtaking. James was amazing, and Vincent and I took some time together. There are no words, I wish that conversation didn't have to be had, but it was the truth and it deserved to be told. Vincent didn't break he was relieved, and my heart was a little lighter that I didn't have to carry the secret on my own. There are parts that are mine parts that are Vincent and Mariska's and parts that are ours together. I know there will be many conversations to come, but the first was done and I didn't break. Neither did Vincent. The rest of the day was quiet. I gave Vincent time, I took time for my own heart. I worried. I cried. I wanted to crawl into the couch and just go away. There were just oh so many things running through my head. Nothing else mattered in the world, I don't have a clue where anyone was. And James came in and sat by me on the couch, checking on me. I didn't have a clue but I felt better him sitting there. We spoke, I shared some of Vincent's questions, he shared how normal some of that was, that this wasn't easy no matter how anyone looked at it. He was reassuring and kind, Perfect for my heart. He gently touched my leg, and I knew I was exactly where I was supposed to be, I wanted to crawl in his arms and have him make everything ok, how does a 40 year old woman do that they don't. I was just grateful for him and all that he had done. He is my hero, and I am sure that nothing will ever take that away. The rest of the day was a little of a blur, I was trying to breathe, this was really hard really really hard and I was loved through it all. I also knew that James would be leaving early in the morning and I was dreading it. I didn't want him to go. He is really one of the most important people in my life ever and I was going to miss him. We got to go out to eat with Aunt Pen and Uncle Jim. It was perfect, We all drove in my car, and I felt like I was part of a family and my heart was overflowing. I was something to these people, they were my lifeline and I was happy. My heart was full, my heart was cared for. I was under these beautiful amazing Colorado skies and I was meant to be there. I listened to their stories, and laughed, I listened and just was. A beautiful Colorado night, a perfect dinner on the patio I was loved and cared for, what else could possibly matter, Nothing, I was in heaven. We got home the kids went to bed more catching up with our shows. Then it was time for bed. I was dreading this moment really. I gave James a quick hug goodbye, I didn't want to cry, I thanked him and said goodnight. Inside my heart was breaking I wanted to hold on and not let go. He is my forever person, I love him more than words can begin to express. I wrote him a letter, I am sure some of the things didn't need words, but I needed to write them. For someone like me to be cared for so much means so much more than you can imagine, so very much and I am always more than grateful. I put his letter
on his suitcase, and cried some more. He is never far from my heart, EVER. I tried to stay up to give him another hug before he left. I was waking up every few minutes and finally at around three I fell asleep and I missed seeing him off. Maybe it was for the best, I already missed him.
Friday Amy still had to work , so I got to care for the kids. We had a great day. We had breakfast played outside, watched some TV just relaxed and chilled, my heart was taking it all in, the entire week was coming to a close and there is a part of my heart that was sad it was almost over, I really didn't want to leave, I didn't at all. Amy finished working, Poor little Nathan wasn't feeling great, so we chilled and stayed home all afternoon. We watched some more shows, watched a movie I slept on the couch. It was perfect. We did nothing only we did so much at the same time. We ordered Chinese for Dinner and just were, it was great and just what my heart needed. We put the kids to bed and Amy and I got to talk some. She asked about Vincent and I. I asked her about what she thought about me doing the documentary. Amy has always amazed me, I have always watched her, in amazement really. I have always felt that she was untouchable that I didn't deserve to have her around me that I was just too different, there were too many things wrong with me but we really got to talk and be with each other and my heart was happy. She is a person I have always said I loved her before I really knew her and I meant that. Getting to be with her and spend time was more than meaningful to me. I felt that she knew what James meant to me and I was a person that she put up with. But that wasn't it at all. I think that when she asked me to stay that extra day so her and I could do something with the kids I was in shock ? Who ME ? Are you sure, but I am the crazy one. Getting to spend time with someone who you so look up too is something amazing and I am grateful. This Week I felt like she was truly my friend. And what else is there to say, I love her.
Saturday we woke up and we were all getting ready to go. I was coughing some the night before and was convinced that I was not going to get sick. I woke up and my throat was more than sore, and I was going to do everything to ignore it, my voice was fading but hey who needs a voice right?!? Amy and I talked all the way there and it was perfect. We were going to an animal sanctuary and I was excited. Animals that were saved and being taken care of it was perfect. Its this long bridge off the ground where you get to see the animals, and learn about their stories it was pretty awesome. The kids and I were all set. They talked about it being the animals house and we were visitors and to be careful, it was pefect. I was hoping that the Wiebe clan wasn't bored out of their mind, Amy assured me it was fine that they might go through a little faster but that it was fine. I was just soaking it all up. I didn't want the day to end. It was afternoon and we started talking about dinner, should we go home should we go straight there. We decided why not have an early dinner lets just go straight there. So that was it, that was the plan. Only the car started to act crazy, then decided to loose all power and we ended up on the side of the road. Yes it was Amy and I and all the kids. SO hey go with the flow right. We call insurance, they are sending a tow truck. Great but we have 7 people in the car, we are thinking how is this going to work?!? . Amy says ok I can call Uber and take all the kids to get your car then we can come back and pick you up. You can stay and wait for the tow truck. Are you ok with that? Outside I am like of coarse, what else are we going to do inside, the panic attack starts WHAT, leave me alone, what if he is a crazy man what if what if, I know the places my mind goes but I was scared and Amy even asked are you ok with that and of coarse I said yes what else were we going to do, you do what you have to do….I always do what I have to do regardless of how I feel. So Amy calls Uber, I am panicking, more than scared. The tow truck shows up first, we wait a few minutes then Uber shows up its all set everything is all taken care of. We all go in the Uber car no one has to stay behind and I am truly relieved. We head back to get my car and finish the plans for the afternoon. Amy drives and we are on our way. She asked if I was ok. I said of coarse, we talked some and everything worked out for the best. She said that I have to speak up for me, and what I needed. What who me, I know but what else were we going to do ? It was just great someone noticing and acknowledging me. So we were on our way to the restaurant.
The perfect Colorado pizza place. Complete with the most amazing waterfall out front. Really with all the bumps in the road this day it turned out pretty awesome. We waited for out table and it was absolutely perfect, right towards the back with a full window view of the waterfall and the mountains, PERFECTION if there is such a thing. I didn't have much of a voice, nothing else really mattered it was great, the kids were all happy, and I was again taking in every second, every sight, every sound, every giggle. The day had been perfect . So Vincent took a picture of Amy and I and we were off. Then we hear mom, as all the kids were trying to get into the car, poor little Nathan had started coughing and got sick….I know….poor guy, so we stopped the car….children still hanging out, Amy ran inside to grab some napkins and …..clean up the little guy. And the miracle not one drop got in my car, it was all in his seat! I know LUCKY. So we got him all cleaned up all the kids loaded in and we were off to the Antique Store I mean why not the day that we had RIGHT? So we walked around, seeing the cool things but what mattered most was the people, I just wanted to be with them. The kids found a family statue with 3 and it was perfect for the week and we found a plate for our plate wall when we move out. There was lots of laughing lots of just being enjoying the company. Then the announcement they would soon be closing so we piled into my car and headed for home. The kids all were getting ready for bed, we started packing some of the car, we would be leaving early in the morning, and I was not look forward to it. I was on automatic trying to get things done. Mariska had brought Amy a shirt that needed some straps and Amy was upstairs sewing that for her. I went upstairs and just sat while Amy sewed, I was soaking in the moments, just watching, it was pretty cool really. I felt like a little kid , it was great. The kids were all tucked in Amy asked if I was up for a little America's Got Talent. I said yea, of coarse. So we sat on the couches, watching, I was holding back the tears I had honestly thought that leaving was going to be easier with James already gone but I was totally mistaken. We watched the last show and said goodnight I held it together until I closed my door, and the tears started. I didn’t want the show to be over, I didn't want to leave in the morning, I wanted to stay and I wanted my heart to be taken care of. And I started to write and write. Some people are not going to understand all that the Wiebe's mean to me. Some are going to understand pieces. Some are going to think I am totally crazy but I don't care about any of that. I have never had someone love me like they do and I am grateful. It may have taken until I was in my late 30's but it was worth it. I was devastated when they said they were leaving Texas. I was mad at God I was shaking my fists angry, why put these amazing people in my life only for them to be taken away?! These people are the closest thing I will ever have to family and I am grateful. I worried that I would never see them again. But yet I was invited last thanksgiving and I got to come this summer. I am learning that these people are my forever people. They are not going anywhere, all my good memories have come from them and I am learning oh so much. And as I closed my door my last night I wrote them a letter, so they always know how much they mean to me. I think I finally feel asleep around 2:30. I took pictures of the house I sat in James office grateful for the time I got to spend with him. I took pictures of my room where I got to rest where I got to sleep where I got to be me. This trip was more than some kind of wonderful for me.
I woke up at 5:30 just thinking of the week, I was not looking forward to the drive back, I knew it was going to be long and hard. Amy came down asked how I was . I couldn't look at her said fine, if I stopped for a second the tears would have started and I can promise they would not have stopped. We finished putting the stuff in the car, out time was coming to an end. We all went outside, closed the trunk It was time. And I couldn't hold back anymore, I looked at Amy and said I wasn't going to cry. She said that it was ok, and I cried and held on. I felt loved, more loved than I have ever felt. I said bye to Emma little man and Ellie were still sleeping and we were off. GPS was still wonky and wouldn't work it probably took us 30 minutes just to get out of the neighborhood. All I really wanted to do was run back to their house but I had to go. The tears fell fast and furious. These people make me feel important they make me feel worthy. These people love me and I don't have a clue why. But they do and I feel it in my bones.
The trip home is hard I cry most of the time as we cross state lines, as the mountains fall out of view all things that mean my people are getting further and further and further away. I know that these are forever people, I know that I will see them again but that never makes the leaving any easier. These people fill my heart, these people let me be, they push me and challenge me and make me want to keep moving forward. These are my forever people and they always will be no matter where they go or where I go, no one can take what we have. This was the most amazing week. I was supported and loved and cared for. I was special, I can write a novel and still not mention all the little ways that they touch my life and make it amazing. All the times they are in my heart in my writing in my soul. I am grateful and blessed for these people and my children are lucky to know them. I don't know where this crazy life is leading me but I know that they will always be in it. I heart your heart Wiebe's, you are amazing. Thank you for everything absolutely everything. See you sooner than later. You mean the world and more.
The trailer park was so deserted but you would never know it from the look of this sign. Driving down 380, coming in from the back I noticed all the tractors and big digging equipment I think I got excited thinking that it wasn't there anymore. I kept saying I don't think its there anymore I don't think its there. My heart was racing, like I had seen a ghost, my hands were falling asleep I was holding the steering wheel so tight. I just wanted the light to change colors so I could turn and find out. I had not been there in a very long time probably 17 years. I would have to pass it every day on my way to and from school, and I would dread it and close my eyes look the other way, sing extra loud so I didn't have to pay attention to actually passing that place. I finally turned into the entrance and no one lived there at all. It had been abandoned , you could tell where the trailers had been, the porches and swing sets that were left behind. I don't know how long it been deserted but everything was overgrown, no signs of life, just emptiness. I kept looking around saying wow, wow. Its one of those moments that you don't expect and everything stops and its just you and this abandoned place in all the world. And the thoughts that were running through my head, how in the world am I going to remember what street it was on, will the trailer even be there, then there right in front of you; you see it and there is a knowing you see Brandon Way, and your heart beats faster Yes, that’s it. He lived on Brandon Way, and there is a part of me that went on automatic pilot, I turned left like I knew exactly where to go, and it all comes back. And like a flash you see things how they were all those years ago, and your heart sinks to know that yes, he lives here and yes a little girl also lives here. I remember that cold rainy day and seeing this trailer for the very first time, I remember it like I remember what I had for dinner yesterday IT IS THAT CLEAR STILL in my head. I can see the empty fish tanks, the shabby trailer, the color grey with white trim and of coarse, the only thing that mattered, that little pink bike. I stop and get out of the car, and just stand there and say, WOW, wow, that's it. That is the house where he lived . And I am looking around trying to process it all, it looks so very different but yet the same. I remember it being turned towards the street more, I remember her bike seeming so much closer to me than it actually was. There was some guy in a big truck that had been watching me, he followed us for awhile, sat in a deserted driveway just watching, until he finally drove by and asked if he could help. I said no thank you, I was quiet and respectful . I just said that my father used to live here. He said ok and said some man's name, I said no his name was bob. I was so calm and collected, and I turned and looked back towards the trailer. If that man knew what was going on inside my head he surely would have called the police. Because inside I was screaming, no a child molester lived here and once he had moved on from raping me he got remarried and was going after another little girl. That is the man that lived here. I wanted to tear that trailer into a million little pieces, I wanted to go in and look for answers, I wanted to run in there and destroy anything and everything that I could. I wanted to destroy it for Angela and the life that she has had to live because he was in her life. But I kept it all together, politely smiled , but there were bombs going off inside of me. And still grenades are going off, every now and then, as I try to fit the pieces together. But the guy in the truck smiled and after watching for a few more minutes, he left and went on his way.
I guess its like those people who have a tornado devastate their neighborhood and yet they know exactly where their house is, yes it was just like that, once I saw Brandon Way I knew exactly where it was. Kind of amazing that his trailer was still there….obviously long forgotten, but oh the stories that were in those walls. But I did it, I faced yet another task, the fear going there was crazy, like somehow I thought he was still going to be there. In my head I knew that he wasn't; my adult brain so knows that. The fear is so ingrained, so SOOO ingrained. When I went there and found it the first time I was scared that I was going to see him. That somehow he would come out and find me and do who knows what but I was more than terrified. I think back then a part of me wanted to see her, little Angela so I could scoop her up in my arms and take her away, keep her safe. I didn't want to leave, I was worried about her, and I worried all the time until I saw that first picture of her. I did this for her, all for her. Me it was already done, but I could fight for her. I could change things.
The thing that stood out the most was the crate myrtle tree that was there. In all the darkness of that place there was this vibrant growing pink tree, kind of fitting. NO more little pink bike, no more hurt no more fear or danger coming from that house. No one that I needed to help, that I needed to save. Just an old abandoned trailer, with a beautiful pink tree growing. In the chaos that surrounded this place a new lease on life. Amazing that it was there that I had the chance to see it. it’s a lot to take in, a whole lot. I said that I would go, and I do what I say. As scared as I was, I did it.
So this was it, the trailer. I hope that now when i think about this place, instead of imagining my father or the house, I need to think of that crate myrtle tree blooming the only thing that was growing there among that ugly deserted place. Even in the darkest of places somehow amazing things can grow.
Yes that moment when you give up that moment that you swear you will never let happen again but it does. The moment that your mind, heart, body and soul all give up because there is not a thing for them to do to be safe. And its over before you even realize what happens and it hits you later sometimes days sometimes weeks later but it hits you and it kills you because you swore that you would never let it happen again. I had one of those moments a few weeks ago and its finally hitting me and its more than hard and more than frustrating. And it brings back all the other moments when I felt the same way and swore that I would never let anything like that happen again. When I swore that I would never just give up, But again I did, and I feel awful.
There are moments in my life when I can remember the exact moment that I gave up, when I couldn't be hurt anymore I couldn't fight when there was nothing left. I just give in, and pretend that everything will be ok. I can remember it happening when I was 5, I can remember it happening in the van with Albert, I can remember it happening once at 13 and I can remember it happening with Charles. All moments that I will never ever forget. I hope that in time I won't beat myself up for those moments but right now I do. I just shut off, and I end up paying the price later and it’s a price that I can't really afford.
I was 5. I can remember the yellow walls in my room, and the curtains with that little girl with the wide brim hat watering the flowers with a goose at her side. I even remember the stream of water , and those oh so large flowers that were way too tall. The night that I was crying so hard my mother came in my room, she didn't know what was wrong. She couldn't console me or give me the help that I needed. I knew that there was no way for her to help me, as much as I am alone that is the most alone that I have ever felt. I knew that she wasn't available, I knew that her loyalty was too my father. They argued and she followed him out of my room. I walked out into the living room and saw the two of them together and I was in the most pain in my life and it was as if I didn't exist. In that moment my legs shaking, my eyes were burning, and my heart was breaking, but no one was there for me. I was watching them from around the corner. Shocked I wondered if she knew what he had done to me, I wondered why she was doing what she was. I knew that I hated that more than anything but yet there she was, I felt bad for her, like he was making her do the same thing. I knew that there was no one that was going to help me I knew that I was on my own and there was nothing that anyone could do or say to make it better. Knowing that at 5 is something I still can't comprehend I remember that moment and still see it like it was yesterday. Something that you never forget that you live with forever, and ever. The thought was so clear, I was alone and no one was going to help me.
The next two were the same when there is that moment that you realize how alone that you are and that there is no one that is able to do anything to help you. You could scream at the top of your lungs but really who is going to listen who is going to believe you? Once that is a feeling that you know, you realize very quickly the situations that cause it and there is a pause in your heart , "Please no not again", it’s a feeling of complete helplessness, not like ok well maybe we can fix this no its something so complete that it changes how you see things forever. These are the moments that you don't forget that create the person that you become in life and to know that feeling at 5 is something that is unimaginable. Having that feeling so young takes things that a person can get back.
It’s a moment that each time it happens you swear to yourself that you will never feel like that again, you will never allow yourself to be that vulnerable to feel that incredibly awful and you are not kind to yourself and say terrible awful things, like that makes it any better, or helps you in any way; it DOES NOT. Its just that you can't believe that you let terrible things happen again, that you swore never would. Such a double bind these moments when the whole world crashes around you. It's not the little feelings either like loosing your keys or being disappointed in a job, its so much deeper than that. This is one of those soul level things that rocks your core.
It was like that with Charles. I can remember the exact moment that I gave up and he won. And the feelings are so all over the place I swore that I was never going to let myself be treated like that again that I was worth more that I deserved better and still it happens and the world comes crashing down. The moment that the pillow fell on my face, I knew and that feeling was there and took over. I got lucky with this one, my world crashed but I was also more than blessed . Even in the blessing that sting still remains, it’s a rough one to figure out, to understand, to comprehend. This may be one of those that I work on my entire life. More than grateful for the blessings I received but the pain, the heartache are intense and deep. There are no easy answers and so many knots to untangle and sort, I am doing it though and won't give up.
These are just the life changing events that shape absolutely everything. You can never prepare for them, never be ready they just happen and you have to deal with the after affects. But I have to say this last one caught me way off guard and its taken me a few weeks to really process it and understand . It's something that I never expected, its something that I was having all these feelings about and couldn't understand why then again it hits you !!!! And a few pieces fall into place and you realize, yea those feelings again. And each time that feeling surfaces it brings back the others, feelings like this don't happen on their own they are attached to each one that came before, and the dread, the self hatred, the feeling that you can't believe, it happened again are all ever present.
This was one during my trip to DC. I was tense, things were hard, there were so many thoughts in my head there were so many things that I wanted to say, there was such a need to make a difference and I wasn't thinking much about my feelings my needs. I was carrying all my tension in my shoulders, it was pretty bad, I felt like my shoulders were up to my ears, they were in knots, I was uncomfortable. What people don't understand is that a lot of that is my normal. I am used to being tense to things not being comfortable, this was different more intense. A few people suggested a massage. For me a massage is not a comfortable thing, someone touching me is not my idea of relaxing. But someone kept pushing it, like adamant that they were going to make me feel better. I said no over and over and over. She would not let up, and there were so many emotions there was nothing else to fight and I gave in, I took my bra off and laid on the bed, and she gave me what she called a massage. That same feeling I gave in, I gave up she was going to do it regardless of whether I wanted to or not. And I kept telling her that it hurt. She said well it shouldn't. But I am not doing it hard , but BUT, BUT. She had no idea , and was not listening to me. Every muscle in my body was even more tense, and it made things worse. And I felt awful, and she kept making excuses. Really it wasn't that big of a deal it wasn't like any of the things that had happened in the past, only the feelings and the point where I totally gave up I knew that she was not going to let me be until I did what she wanted.
The part that was the worst, that I beat myself up for is that point where I give in, I give up and loose my fight. It feels like someone riped out my heart and is squishing my heart like a bug. Like what I want what I think what I feel really doesn't matter. I think that is a huge part of why I keep fighting so hard for others; for myself. Because of those moments when I lost my fight and was hurt beyond hurt down to the core. And it bothered me and every time that I thought about it the thoughts and feelings would boil. Then I finally connected the dots and realized , I was there to find my voice to have people listen and there she was trying to take it away. AGAIN. The exact thing that I was fighting for, was being challenged again. So hard.
That feeling has been all too common and I can not stand those moments when I just give up and I end up paying the price. And I can not risk that anymore. I will not stand for people not listening. Not hearing Not respecting my words. When I say something I mean it. When I am afraid I need you to respect that. What I have wanted, what I have needed, what is best for me has not been listened to. And when people have it’s a big thing, a REALLY BIG THING. A super important thing for me When those big feelings of helplessness happen so early, it is more than difficult to deal with and I am. But for others who don't understand some of the things I do; they seem stupid or are seen as overreacting but to me its just keeping myself safe, when your needs and wants have never been respected, and things have been taken regardless, that is not over reacting. I don't expect people to understand, wait I think maybe I do. I want people to at least TRY. More than that I do expect people to be considerate and gentle and just hear me, you might not understand the reasoning but I can promise you that there is one, even if I can't expain it or put it into words . Be a little gentler, a little kinder, I am going to get through this I promise, that is just what I do.
