So it was months ago, January exactly when I found an article, and I began to think, this is going to be me some day. I have to explain these things to my children. I was concerned and knew that Vincent had questions, his little mind was making connections and I was scared. Mariska wasn't really asking much, but I knew the time was coming. And I asked questions to a friend of mine, what in the world was I supposed to do. Again this is something that a mom just doesn't know what to do. There is no manual for this, no normal no right way to do it. There is NOTHING normal in this. So I waited and waited. Because this is something that my children have to deal with but there are also so many pieces that my own heart has to deal with. I wanted to make it fit into my own heart and figure it all out before I shared with my children. Only this is something that would never fit or make sense no matter what I did. This would never make sense in my heart. This is not something that a person can just talk about either. Many friends don't want to talk about it, or don't have a clue how and I don't blame them. Its really heavy, its really big and no one knows what to say or do to make it any easier.
It all really started on Fathers day this year. It was exceptionally hard; I don't know why it just was. And this year Vincent had a little, OK HUGE melt down. He hated that it was fathers day, hated hearing about it, hated seeing it on TV. And every commercial he let us know how much he hated it. And then Came the day and it was miserable. I tried to make it OK, do something different but it just wasn't working this year. Then we went to sit down for dinner and the flood gated opened he was so upset that it was fathers day that he didn't have one, his little feelings were all over the place and there was nothing that I could do to make it any better to make that pain of not having a dad go away. I was crushed. He was a mess at the dinner table and I was scared. I knew that the things I was most dreading in the world were going to need to be spoken and very soon. But, How, how does a mom do this? I sent a good friend an emergency text asking what in the world I was supposed to do, I was beyond terrified. I was in panic mode. This was a moment that scared me more than almost anything in this life. I was afraid that I was going to break their sweet kind hearts by telling them the truth.
Honestly the thought of lying to them was always only a thought away. I would rather take the blame and lie to them than tell them the truth and break them. There were oh so many reasons, I didn't want to lie to them but I wanted to make it as easy as possible. Was it really that important that they know, was it that big of a deal. I know this isn't at all a nice or pretty option but that is where my head was. For a long time that is what I was planning on telling them. I was going to tell them that I was just a slut that got pregnant. SERIOUSLY, that is what I was planning on telling them, in my head it sounded like the perfect answer. Once I spoke those words out loud i knew that it didn't fit, but I thought it was going to be easier on my children, than telling them the truth. As time passed it became clearer and clearer that all the perfect scenarios that I had in my head were not going to work. They needed the truth. I owed them that.
Believe me I didn't come to that on my own. I had amazing people telling me, "but that isn't the truth, Sherri". It isn't your truth or theirs. I knew that but it was devastating, the truth was painful. In the very beginning, I was as far from the truth as any person could get. I couldn't acknowledge anything, my own heart was broken, my beautiful amazing children that meant so much coming from something evil, how does a person reason with that? After that moment, he was not a thought, my children were all that mattered. I believed that I was a slut and got what I deserved. They had to tell me over and over and over again, that I was not . They knew that that wasn't me, and said no one would ever believe that anyway. I could not lie to my children , BECAUSE it wasn't the truth at all. Nothing about the situation made me a slut. I also thought that maybe I could soften the blow and just say well you know it wasn't a big deal , he just didn't listen. That wasn't right either. Him not listening was a big deal. He disrespected me,he forced me and he didn't listen to my telling him no, over and over that we were supposed to go shopping. Me telling them the truth meant that I had to face that truth. And I can not explain with words how difficult that it is. I had to realize certain truths about myself and that was more than difficult. I am still not even sure that I am there yet. Of if I will ever totally be there.
My good and friend and I were talking about it, that it needed to happen. That telling them , especially Vincent was so much better than keeping him in the dark. There were a lot of tears, and lots of discussion. I knew it was necessary I did, but it was going to take some insane courage and I wasn't sure if I had enough. He said that he would help that we could do it together. I have to be honest and I have said it before I so wanted him to tell Vincent. I thought he would do it much better then I ever would. And he would look at me with that look and say but its not my story to tell. I remember those words always and forever. They played over and over in my head, but its my story even if I didn't want it to be. It just was.
I was a complete chicken the day that I was going to tell Vincent. I really didn't think I was going to be able to do it and I came up with excuse after excuse, but the love that I have, I knew that as their mom he deserved answers. I didn't know all the thoughts that were in his head but I knew from my own experiences the games that your mind can play when you have ideas about things but you don't really know. I didn't want to do that to Vincent. There was more crying, there was a lot of the how and what ifs and then it was just that moment when no amount of talking or asking whys was going to make it any better. I just had to do it.
And I had my friend start by telling Vincent; your mom asked for my help that she really wants to talk to you. That this is something really big and really hard and she needed my help. And so the conversation was started. I am not sure that I was breathing or that my heart was beating. I wanted to scream at the world just hoe unfair that this entire situation was. There are certain parts that replay over and over in my head there are pieces that play in slow motion. There are moments that I am sure I don't remember at all. I gave him very basic information. That he was not nice and didn't listen to me. I told him that his name was Charles and gave him a few specifics. Not a lot, there is only so much that his little heart could take at once. This was the first conversation of many , a starting point and there were pieces that at 11 there was no way for him to understand. He cried, he cried really hard. I put my hand on him, it broke my heart, I felt guilty, I was afraid, I was terrified that he was going to hate me. We asked him some questions, what killed me was that he had thought that my father Bob was his father. It was like a knife through my chest. We talked, I listened, I tried to give him time, let him process. We were quiet, we cried we were doing this together. We stood up and I just held on to him, this was my son, this was the kindest sweetest, most sensitive young man. And the heaviness, I had just given him, a lot of information, I was grateful I didn't have to do it on my own, but the heaviness, it was not fair that this was something that he had to deal with.
He went upstairs to write, I wrote some, but then just sat in the corner of the coach, I couldn't get any closer to the cushions, I wanted to hide, I wanted to fade in so no one would ever notice. So many things were running through my head, and this was just the beginning there was still so much to figure out.
Its amazing after something big like that, and there is so much that is going on in your head and yet, the world continues, people keep laughing life goes on. And that is the strangest thing, you want to scream at the world do you know what happened to me, what I had to tell my son today, and yet the sun still sets, dinner is still served, and night time comes. And the next day you wake up and the day starts all over again with the new sunrise, and things are the same as the were the day before only he has more information and the more things he knows, the more questions that he asks; I realize the more things stay the same. Because regardless of Charles, I love them with all that I am. They are still my life and I am grateful, because of them I am a mom and there is nothing in the world better than that.
In the in-between there are questions that need to be asked and I am sure that I don't have a clue what many of them are. I have to hope that I will be prepared, and that I will be honest and answer them in the way that they need them answered, with as much truth as they can handle. Some of the details they may never know, there is no need. As they get older as they continue in their own life path, things will come up and I have to be ready. And as they come I will be as honest as I can exactly where they are. Exactly where I am.
Then there was telling sweet Mariska. I was on my own for this one. I was not as worried as I was with Vincent. I am not sure why, I thought he would take it much harder and for him it was more relief than anything else. Mariska was on the other side was much harder than I ever thought. I thought OK I have done this once I can do it again. The reaction that I feared Vincent would have was exactly what I got with Mariska. I was terrified, and I didn't have a clue if I did the right thing.
Vincent had known a little over a week and even telling her was a huge question. She had not been asking questions like Vincent and I just didn't know. But at the same time I didn't want her being upset wondering why I told Vincent and then not her. How they deal with things is just so completely different, I just wanted to do the right thing only I didn't have a clue what that right thing was. So Vincent went out to get his hockey skates. Mariska and I were running a few errands. I think I was probably stalling, I knew the time was coming and again I was terrified. But after all the talking and Guidance from my most amazing friends I thought it would be OK. So I was putting the groceries away and I began, and I heard myself talking saying some of the same things that were said to Vincent. That I wanted them to know, that it was hard, that it was really big but also something that they needed to know. As I talked the look on Mariska's face. I saw, pure devastation. And I sat with her on the couch and she couldn't even look at me and the tears flowed. And she couldn't speak a single word. I would ask her a question and there was nothing but tears. I did this I just broke her heart. She went into her own world and I just couldn't reach her. We were on the couch for ever and I just talked to her told her that it was OK to be sad or mad, all and anything that she might be feeling. There were no words to describe those moments. Its knowing that something hurts so very much and also knowing there isn't a damn thing that you can do about it. There was nothing left of either one of us and we made some lunch. Once we were at the table and I was asking what she thought if she was OK and still no words just that so hard cry that you can't breathe. It was excruciating, I felt as though I had caused this pain and it was unbearable I wanted to be there but she wouldn't let me in. I just stayed by her side letting her cry, holding on to her that was all that i could do.
And then I saw her tears on the table.
And it almost killed me, I hated Charles for doing this to me for doing this to my children. This was not fair to anyone of us but this was the truth something that we are going to have to work through together and I broke inside. This was not the life that we were supposed to live. Mariska needed a break, I think she went to her room to read and me I am not sure what I did. My head was spinning. I was wishing that I wasn't on my own. I was/am not so strong And I kept thinking I broke her heart , I did this and she can't even look at me. This was the reaction that I feared, the reaction that terrified me.
Again I sent an emergency text asking what in the world I was supposed to do, this was the most painful thing I have ever had to do my entire life. I was alone in this and I didn't want to be. I was reassured that I did the right thing, its just a really hard situation no matter how you look it and the fact is that this is our truth, this is just something that we do have to deal with.
I heart your heart my amazing children. I will always be so sorry, so very sorry but I hope you always know that you were loved and wanted always always.
I love you
I love you
I love you
One for all of us.
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